scared

[new]

i have been married to my husband for a happy fulfilled 10 years.

we have two wonderful kids.

six months ago he started a new (stressful) job.
he spent less time at home and took less and less intrest in the kids and me.
i started being very resentful towards him for this.

3 weeks ago he told me that he loved me as a mother and as a friend ......but not as a wife any longer!...... i couldn't believe it..... we'd always been so strong! he said he was desroying himself and everyone around him and he couldn't stop it!

i went through hell the first week trying to make it better....while falling apart inside. he said it was his dad dying ....then his bad childhood....then his job ect.

the only other person who i spoke to about this was my best friend....in fact i cried my heart out to her many at time.

then 2 weeks ago he admitted that he had slept with ....guess who....my best friend!!!!!!!!(once) (they had been text flirting for about 5 weeks)

i wanted to kill them both i was so angry!

he packed his bags, i pleaded with him to stay, said we could get through this!he said there was no point trying because he just didn't love me anymore!

he told the kids that he loved them but he didn't love me anymore, that he was going to stay with 'best friend' and left.

the next 1 1/2 hrs are a daze i was a complete mess!

then i had a call from my so called best friend, she said she never ment to hurt me and although they had something special together that she had sent him back to me!

so he turn up home again.he said it was his chose to come back, he said he was confused, but he wouldn't beg me to come back!(did he have nowhere to go?)

we talked for an hour or more in which time he kept saying he was confused and that he wanted us both....which i said wasn't possible!!!

it was sheer agony! i practically had to beg him to come back.

he decided to come back to me. he said he thought he loved her, he said she was easy to talk to and she made him laugh!

after we started talking it became apparent that our so called friend had been driving a wedge into our marriage and sparring us off against each other. she had also been teasing him for over 2 years!

he said he regretted talking to her about our troubles and not me.

he said he left me because i deserved someone better that him!

he says he loves me, and that want he had with her was the bit of our marriage which had gone stale in his eye's!

he is tearing himself apart with guilt, regret, shame and the fact that he has broken all of his principles!

he is still destroying himself!

i am ashamed to say that i haven't given him an easy ride over the last three weeks! i've almost thrown him out and keep throwing 'the affair' back in his face.

today i feel for the first time confident that i can make this work.

i will have to learn to trust him again!

but what is really worrying me is that he doesn't feel the same way... he say's he can only live for the day and can't look into the future.....he is not confident that it can work out because of all he has done to me!(i'm not even sure he is even trying or if he just doesn't want to!)

i feel that after all we've been through the least he can do is to try...to be strong......and make this work.

or did he only come back because he felt so bad at what he'd done?

im just so scared!!!!!!

[Concerned Reader]

Dear New

This is a horrible thing to have happened and since it shakes the foundations of your beliefs about your H and your best friend, it is entirely natural that you feel shakey and scared. If you are an open, trusting, and honest kind of person, this double-betrayal will be hitting you very hard.

If you look through the threads you will see that the line 'I don't love you anymore.....' is often used when a partner wishes to distract attention from their behaviour. It is always shocking and often stops a partner in their tracks.

However, he is back. It is in both your interests to agree (as a working explanation) that this was all the fault of stress and a rather deceitful and selfish person presenting herself as a friend.

If you want a deeper explanation, that would be better left until tempers have calmed down a little - say, February - and then sort it out, possibly with the help of a counsellor.

There are children involved and everyone will be better off for giving themselves permission to shelve the recriminations for a few weeks. Let trouble wait; why should it always have priority over nice things like Christmas?

As you write, your H understands that he has undermined his own principles and now finds himself with weakened authority. What you may not appreciate is that his ego has taken a massive knock as well. Did he choose to come back or did she 'send him back'? Both are romantic explanations.

A more prosaic and likely explanation is that she realized he was not the answer to her prayers and having achieved a momentary thrill, looked at the reality of a life with a man with split loyalties. She may have wished to feel wanted by you and desired by your H (both of which she achieved) but finding one of you turning up on her doorstep, suitcase in hand and proposing to move in ..... well, that's a different thing isn't it?

Now, I'm guessing, but if I had run away from a good marriage to a new partner who obviously had a deceitful streak, and then found they weren't actually proposing to take me in and change my life....well, I'd feel monumentally stupid for at least two months. Longer if I had a proper conscience.

When your H says he doesn't want to look at the future, my bet is that what he doesn't want to look at is the past. With good reason.

I suppose those who advocate total honesty would caution that eventually you will have to discuss this, and I'm sure they are right in the long term.

But I think there is something to be said for putting a lid on all this for a few weeks, re-establishing a normal life - without the ex-friend - and then reviewing who feels what when the dust has settled. What people feel when they are on the defensive is different to how they feel later.

One thing I would do, though, is to make your silence on the issue contingent on there being no more contact of any sort with the ex-friend. My feeling is that she rather enjoys these dramas and may want to continue them, which would be in nobody's interest but her own.

I send my very best wishes and feel sure that you can get past this episode as it does not represent how strong and loving the far greater part of your marriage has been.

[new]

dear concerned reader,

thank you your reply, i felt stronger after reading it!

although i have not seen my very ex-friend i know she is still sending my husband texts begging him to go to her as she says she loves him........which i find very hard to deal with!. i don't think he replys to them though, and has even shown me a few.

it's hard knowing there is someone out there who is desperate to be with your husband!!!!!!!

he is still acting really cool towards me,

he used to be so fun loving and used to live life to the full, that is until he got his new job six months ago then he got serious and wrapped up in himself!

i'm starting to think that maybe we have just grown apart, and that would explain why he doesn't seem to be able to talk to me about ANYTHING except work!

he's the type of person who bottles things up.

when i do bring up the issues of trying to rebuild our relationship to make it better and stronger than it was before he just says that we need to concentrate on being NORMAL!..... but his normal is not the normal before all this started ....this normal is just him being(in my opinion) cool towards me with no fun or love involed!

maybe we've grown too far apart for this to work out!

i still get very angry inside at the thought that after all the vows and promises we made to each other that he could of done this ...often i feel WEAK and STUPID for taking him back!!!!!!!

i'm also having such differculty in believing what he say's he has been doing, i know this is bad but i just can't help it!

will i drive him away??????????

i still can't believe that any of this has happened!

[SH Jack]

My dear do your self a favour and get rid of this man. He will hurt you again and again if you let him.

How many times does he have to do this before you wake up to yourself.? You sound like a really nice lady and I do feel for you, I really do.

If you were my wife I wouldnt do any of that. It is not the actions of a gentleman to do such a horrendous and caddish thing to a lady.

and you are a lady.

get rid of him..

[Concerned Reader]

Dear New

I too would be worried about this person continuing to text your H, but keep it in perspective because your H has shown you the messages.

I don't believe it is stupid or weak to be conciliatory and try to look outside a short period of peculiar behaviour. It takes great strength of purpose to repair a marriage in a world which too often treats them as disposable. The last six months represents only five percent of your lives together. The other ninety-five percent has been good.

Unfortunately, there is a hook here for the ex-friend to continue the drama. I am of the opinion that her taste is for attention, rather than genuine involvement.

It may be that there are very serious things which you and your H have to discuss - that is for you and he to decide - but it will be almost impossible to have those discussions with this person hanging about.

You could ask whether your H is becoming a little concerned about her persistence? There is a fine line between openly declaring a love and becoming a stalker. Say you are sorry the friendship between the three of you had to end this way but is it possible that her reactions have gone beyond grief and in to harrassment?

Let that sink in for a day or two.

If he agrees that her contact has become unwelcome, there are various measures you can both take to discourage it, but at this stage all you want is an agreement from your H that neither of you will encourage this woman by replying to any of her calls or messages.

Make it clear that it is not him you distrust, but because this woman presented herself as your friend, you both have to recognize that she is deceitful.

I hope things begin to level out soon.

[new]

last night i explained to my husband that i felt he didn't love me as he used to!

he told me that part of his love for me had died in him the morning he slept her!

(is he confuseing this thought with the feelings he has for himself?????)

i asked him if this was why he was being so cold towards me... he denied this.

i went on to explain the things that he hadn't been doing, just small things like ...a quick call or text if he has a spare 5 mins at work!.... flowers(which he used to buy me every week.) A kiss before he went to, or came home from work.....little notes arround the house just to say 'i love you'

he told me he just doesn't get the spontaneus thoughts to do these things anymore.

this is how we both have always behaved to each other, i think it was healthy just to remind each other of how much we feel for each other in these small ways...although he was more romantic that me! 2yrs ago he suprised me by whisking me off to paris by 1st class eurostar for 3 days. it was so romantic!

he was ALWAYS as very romantic!

but now all that's gone, he says he doesn't think he will want to do them in the future he just doesn't know!!!!

i feel he is punishing me again by being like this,

he also keeps telling me that i don't know him

he says that if i knew him, i would of known how he has been feeling this last few months, that if i had know him so well that none of this would of happened!

i feel he is blameing me for the way he has behaved..... all because he was confused and i wasn't a mind reader !!!!!!

i'm starting to think it would be a good idea to have a few days apart, because at the moment we are just hurting each other more!

then if he comes home or stays away at least i'll know for sure how he feels for me .

is this a good idea....i just don't know?????

[new]

dear sh jack,

at first i was shocked to see what you'd written,

but then i read through some of your other postings , i see you are a highly principled person, who although are not happy with certain aspect of your life would NEVER have an affair.

well my husband was just LIKE YOU, he condemed anyone who did this!

he believed in the vows he made on our wedding day, and there was never any way he was going to break them!

our love life went down hill after the birth of our second child who is now five, before it was on average two or three times a weekor more. then it slowly dwindled until before the affair when maybe we went two and a half weeks at the most without making love.

he told me he felt i only made love to him, out of duty, when that was not the case at all! i wanted to please him!

for me holding each other close and telling each other that we love them means more to me,

don't get me wrong, making love is a VERY enjoyable part of a relationship!

also i had a very big hang up about how i felt about myself, sexually, and because of this i told myself that he couldn't possibly desire me.

maybe she has a hang up like i did, although she probably won't admit it to you!

maybe your wife feels the same as i did about my body and needs reasuring that you stil do find her sexy!

i hope this works for you.

but back to my husband.

some of the reasons he has given me for having an affair are that:

he started this highly stressful job,

then we started agrueing (somthing we maybe did 2-3 times a year before)because i felt resentlfull for the lack of interest he took in his family,

he felt unhappy with our love making fequency,

and he was so unbelievabley flattered and attracted to all the attention he was recieving from HER.

he was so confused and upset, almost on the point of a breakdown.

in the 6 week period from when the texts started until he told me what he had done he lost over a stone in weight, was drinking heavily (8 pints a night) and had started taking ibuprofen tablets like sweets.

when he left me it was because he was so sure in his mind that after all he had done to me that i would never take him back. that i would never be able to forgive him because after all is said and done HE CAN'T FORGIVE HIMSELF.

i think he truly regrets what he has done, he is still beating the hell out of himself for what he has done to me.

he has broken all his true principles and values, and completely hates himself for it.

at the moment him being like this, is still effecting trying to get our relationship back on track. he is trying to hurt himself but without realising it he is hurting me!

i still have a lot of anger towards him for what he has done to me, but i also know i won't feel like this forever!

should i really just thow it all away??????????

[new]

well here we go again,

over the last week H says that i just don't deserve him, because of what he's done to me that i deserve so much better,

then 3 days ago he said that he truly hasn't loved me for the last six months!

then two days ago he left me and the kids again!

he siad that i had to forget him and i had to carry on without him!

i felt this was a cop out !

i asked him why he told me he loved me when he came back after the affair?

he told me to make me feel better!

he said firstly and more importantly he came back for the kids, then secondly he came back because he loved me as a friend and kids childrens mother!!!!!!!

so, i beleived him! what else could i do after all he'd done to me... i still had a very small hope that he was really confused. but i couldn't allow myself to beleive in it.

he asked to meet me the next day (on nutural ground) so we could talk the finances over!....he was prepared to pay the mortgage and all the bills!(he warned me that he would not be my bank manager!!!!!)

it was from then that i started to think that maybe i would be better off without him after all.

he's cheatted on me, lied to me, decieved me, hurt me, and completely broken my heart!

in my mind i moved on, i took my wedding rings off, i smothered a lot of the feelings i had left for him.

after one night away and the shock of my cool bitter behaviour to him he suddenly said that he had sorted his head out and realised that he was being completely stupid. that he did love me and HE begged me to take him back.

I SAID I WASN'T SURE AFTER ALL THE HURT HE'S CAUSED ME. HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WOULD TALK TO A COUNSELLOR.

within an hour i felt so pleased that he'd realised his mistake i took him back, after all the kids need their dad, don't they?

but since this happened two days ago although he has been a bit more attentive, i still feel he is confussed

he is now refusing to speak to a councellor saying that his head is clear now.

now the trouble is, that after shutting my feelings down and seeing a future without him, i am having loads of doubts if i can put behind me all the pain he has caused me, i can't trust him, and i can't beleive what he is telling me!

did he come back because the thought of losing his home and only having assess with the children and of course the financial implications was to much for him??????

the pesron i trusted and felt i new insideout has hurt me so bably that i really don't know if i want him in my life anymore!

how much can anyone take before they say enough is enough!

i think i've had enough!

i'd really appriciate any thoughts or advice please.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear New

I'm glad to read you are all in the same house and apparently on talking terms. That is a good start, even if what is being said is not helpful or encouraging at the moment.

It is early days yet and you would have to be made of stone not to be confused and upset. The bad news is that this is likely to continue for a while. The good news is that this is recoverable if you look more at the behaviours and listen less to the precise words.

I'm guessing that you wouldn't hang around a website which is broadly pro-marriage unless you wanted to hear something from that point of view, so let's separate the practical and emotional aspects. My apologies if I get the next part wrong, but I can only judge by what you have written.

The marriage was long standing and satisfactory. At the moment you don't know exactly what went wrong, but it manifested itself as an ill-judged affair which didn't make your H happy and it looks (to me) as if he is now beginning to regret it. It may be undermining him at work; office affairs often go sour and cause peple to take sides, make snide comments, and even escalate to complaints.

In the conflict surrounding the affair, you did NOT do something he may have expected. You did not throw him out. This meant that when he left for a few days, he had to accept full responsibility for damaging the marriage and for walking away from it. Both of these actions would be deeply at odds with how you have described his general view of himself. You are probably right that he is confused; he sounds like an intelligent man and so he can't miss that his actions just do not match up to his words.

One thing that people do when their words are at odds with their behaviour is to stop talking. This is actually quite a good way of coping; it is equivalent to the first rule of holes: 'when in hole, stop digging'.

You are right, though, that eventually this will have to be talked about. If you said you wanted to go to counselling to help yourself cope with what has happened, would he be inclined to come along? It may be that if you put the focus on yourself he may feel able to join in later. It is worth a try. It has all been very nasty and you are entitled to give yourself some time and attention before making any decisions.

In the meantime, the biggest thing is he is there and he wants to get past what happened, although his way of putting it is hardly likely to inspire romantic love.

But then, is romantic love all it's cracked up to be? Some people are adamant that it is crucial. It makes a marriage easier to maintain, nobody would deny that. However, it is only in very recent western culture that an absence or diminishing of love is offered as an explanation and excuse for cheating and adultery. I'd like to quote somebody erudite on this, but Tina Turner sums it up better:
"What's love got to do with it?"

In the end only you can decide how you feel and what is right in the circumstances, but don't push yourself in to deciding anything until you have given yourself plenty of time.

My best wishes to you.

[new]

thank you i really do appreciate your replys,

we are dropping the kids at their grandparents for the weekend, and plan to just book into a hotel or b+b on the south coast.

we really need to spend quality time together.

i'm really hoping this works

my doctor has now given me some antidepressents to help to control my emotions, (not the ones you get hooked on.) Part of the problem we are facing is that he can't bear me hurting and gets angry at me for going over it time and time again as he calls it!

i'm still confused what my feelings are for him.

i just hope i can work this out !

[new]

well since my last posting of 3rd december an awful lot has happened!

on the 4th he said we needed a break from each other, i was very upset but i could see that this may help our situation,so he took all day to pack his bags said his goodbyes to the kids and me and i dropped him to the train station. now i don't know why, but a gut feeling told me to drive to ex-friends house. i hid in the car arround the corner! guess what they drove up together 20 mins later!!!!!

i slowly drove up and when he saw me the look on his face was unbelieveable, he said "oh s**t" and then got angry with me. he told me that he doesn't love me at all and never came back for me but only for the children!

i called him a few choice words then drove home i was so angry!

i was so angry that i never wanted to see him again!. but i had to because of the children.

i spoke to a solicitor to find out my legal position.

i met him on the 8th i needed to talk finanace and he wanted items from the house!

i sensed he wasn't happy with her, but i was angry at him still.

on the 9th he emailed me saying among other things that he left me because he was so ashamed with himself!

he phoned to talk to the kids and we spoke for over an hour. he made it clear to me that he was unhappy where he was!

i asked him to meet me the next morning for a chat!

we agreed to have one last chance at saving our marriage!

he moved back in on the 10th, but only until he could move to family then we could do the dating thing and fall in love again!

we had a wonderful weekend, it was really loving like it used to be!

on the 12th it was my works xmas party, he stayed at home as he couldn't face my colleagues!(later i found out he contacted he again!)

on the 13th i urged him to sort out where to live and he got angry about it, but i made it clear that this is what he agreed to!

in the evening on the 13th after putting the kids to bed he just turned arround and told me that he loved me but he also loved her! that the pull from her was stronger and he wanted to go back to her, if she didn't want him then he would get a flat of his own!

by this time i didn't even fight to keep him!

truth time:

he told me that they had been sleeping together for 3 months not just once and that the times i didn't believe he was where he told me, was because he really was with her!

the affair had NEVER stopped!

so he phoned her and asked her to meet him, i said that we should all sit down and discuss this sensibley!

they both came back to house after meeting for an hour, he was so angry as she would not have him back! that night he was so angry! he raged for hours!

it was a very painfull experience!

he told us he love us both and couldn't help himself!

she went home about 3 hours later, by that time he was so drunk he could barely stand! so i just put him to bed!

in the next week he was really loving and caring he told me he would tell me if she contacted him, he was so genuine!

but then i did something really stupid, on the19th i contacted ex-friend and told her to email him at a certain time, just to see if he would tell me!

he didn't tell me!!!!!

so i then knew that i couldn't trust him!

i decided to wait until after xmas(for the kids) to finish things, something i should of done in the begining!

on boxing day i took the kids to my mum's telling him i would be back at 8pm. i arrived back at 1.30pm to find them both drinking tea in the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!

athough i was shocked, i wasn't really supprised!

he then told me that although he did love me as a friend it wasn't enough, that talk was cheap(refering to him telling me he loved me) and that making love had been "going through the motions!".

that was it, it was finished!!!!!!!

i asked ex-friend to take him, she agreed......but he was reluctant to go!!!!!

she went home alone!

i told him to go, i'd had enough!!!!

but he wouldn't go.

he said he'd been stupid, he said he'd said those hurtful things to the wrong person!

all he did was cry, he looked through the kids birth boxes ect

he kept saying 'what have i done, what have i done'

i felt he was emotionally blackmailing me with the kids!

neither of us slept much that night.

he kept begging me to take him back!

we both had to work the next day, ex-friend brought in a big bag of text and emails from him to her!

he only worked 4 hrs then met me from work and gave me flowers, i told him it was over!

he walked off saying he didn't know where he was going!(he went straight home) he had written me a love letter and left it on the car windscreen, saying how sorry he was and how much he loves me!

i got home just before him and read some of the emails he had sent her, and they were horrible saying that he had no intention of paying things for us, he needed to save to get a place of his own!(and move out in the new year), how much he loved her, how he couldn't and wouldn't turn his feelings off for her and that he hoped our marriage would just fizzle out!!!!!!

i was devastated again!!!!

he went mad saying that he new she would do this as she had threatened it before, that most of what he had written was because he knew that was what she wanted to hear!

but i told him that he had written them not her!!!!!!

she didn't give me many of her emails to him!

he went crazy and stormed to her house, i went too as i thought he may do somthing stupid, he had a go at her, saying that she'd made a fool of him and that she was evil etc.

we went home and he told me things she used to say about me, things she made him beleive, how she brainwashed him!!!!!

but how can i beleive what he says?

he really seems to hate her now!

iv'e agreed to make one last go at saving our marraige and i have made it clear to him that if he ever mess's around again it will be over! i will NEVER let him hurt me again like he has the last few months!!!!!!

everyone has told me i am stupid , that he doesn't deserve another chance! maybe they are right!

i just can't turn my love off!

but i won't be here for him if he does it again!!!!!!!!

[matty]

this is one seriously confused guy, I give you the ultimate respect at sticking by him, I wish my wife was like this. I dont agree with his affair or the way he has treated you but I seriously think your man needs counselling, this must be effecting the kids and may effect you longer term also with trust etc..

marriage is all about trust, respect and amongst other things hard work, I wish my wife was as strong as you at fighting for her marriage, I take my hat off to you and really hope it works but 1 thing for sure is he cant complain with the amount of chances he's had and you cant give him any more !!

[new]

thankyou for your reply matty,

we are going to arrange counselling, hopefully this will give me a few answers as to why he had an affair!

he is so determined to make this work now, he tells me that now HE has to prove he is trustworthy instead of him just expecting me to just trust him!

he is so determined to prove how much he loves me!

he wants to make plans for our future.... something he hasn't talked about in months!

i am a little frightened to believe him as i've believed him before and he's thrown it back in my face,

why is life so complicated!!!!!!!

[smackie9]

If he cheats and lies to you again, toss his ass to the curb. He doesn't deserve a strong, trusting, and loving woman like you!

[matty]

totally agree with smackie9, this has got to be last chance saloon.

At least he is trying counselling etc to make it work but thru the counselling you have got to be strong and make sure he knows this is it this time..

all the best for 2005 and my fingers are crossed for you in working this out, too many people walk away from marriage far too easy although theres got to be a point to stop and I think you have been more than fair.

[smackie9]

Yes all the best for 2005! Please let us know of your progress. Fingers crossed!;)

[new]

hi,
thanks for the best wishes

well i can honestly say that for the first time in 2 1/2 months we are getting on reasonably well, no i could probably say very well!

H just really can't do enough for me!

he's being strong and supportive, he senses when i am down and picks me up quickly, in fact if it wasn't for the hurt and lack of trust i would say it's just like before or even slighty better!

we still have a long way to go to rebuild the trust, but we are just taking things a day at a time.

i feel very frightened to 'let go' and trust and rely on him again, but i know iv'e got to do it if our marriage is going to survive, it's just a very frightening step which will be a slow process.

we still haven't storted out any counselling, not really sure where to start!

any suggestions would be appreciated?

best wishes and a happy new year to all who reads this!

[Concerned Reader]

Dear New

You mentioned anti-depressants, so the doctor is aware of the situation. Now is a good time to go back and review that, and ask for the registers of help agencies in your area.

Matty put it politely when he said your H sounds seriously confused. Yes, it does look as if things may have gone further than just having an affair and getting caught out. Would your H be prepared to visit a doctor, because from where I am reading I think the wrong person is on the medication.

The contradictory statements about his intentions, the big 'good bye' scene in front of the children, the way his behaviour is at odds with his statements, and his willingness to make statements which are calculated to crush or elate, depending on which spot he wants to get out of, are all indications that he cannot communicate as a reliable adult at the moment. Storming round to peoples houses and accusing them of 'brainwashing' is not a rational thing to do.

He is even aware of this and probably very frightened. You did write that his current behaviour was discontinuous with the person he used to be.

Of course, I am not a doctor, but I do wonder if this has gone beyond the normal range of counselling services.

However, you also need suport for yourself. It may help to manage the situation if you can disengage from certain of the behaviours. For example, contacting the OW and involving her in subterfuge about emails or text. This woman is not your friend and there is no purpose served by encouraging her to think of herself as a conspirator. By doing that, you hand her 'permission' to involve herself in your life, and that is a bad thing.

As regards the OW, both of you seem to be hooked in to giving her attention. When your H stormed that she had carried out a threat to hand on the emails and texts, he was correct. The standard advice on this sort of thing is to thank the sender, then hand the bag UNOPENED to your solicitor, who will store it against a nasty day in court.

Also, if the issue is trustworthiness, enaging in sub-plots will not reassure your husband. It will only feed any internal justifications he has about it being 'alright to tell lies, because she does too'. Talking in confidence to a health professional is not plotting.

I'm glad your H wants to work it out, but it will take professional help.

Much as I applaud voluntary-based organizations such as Relate, if you contact them for initial advice you should explain that your H's behaviour contains contradictory and what some people would regard as emotionally abusive elements. They will be able to say if they can deal with this, or if it is out of their area of expertise. Some people have complained that certain counselling services are so neutral that they give the impression that any behaviour is acceptable - which helps neither the person on the receiving end, nor the person whose bad behaviour will eventually get them slung out.

Your local council offices, library, and solicitor's office can also give you lists of local services. Your yellow phone directory will have a listing under 'Counselling' which usually lists any independent practitioners. Again, it will be up to you to find a suitable one as they vary widely; price has quite a lot to do with it! Generally, the prices start with 'counselling' and go up through 'psychotherapy' and top out at 'psychiatry'.

From what you have written, it may be best to look a the lists of local psychotherapists (of course, there will be more practitioners in cities) as they usually state their qualifications and areas of practice. I am more confident that if one of these speaks to you both, they will be better able to advise if this is something for counsellors or doctors.

The website of the British Psycholgical Society (www.bps.org.uk) is a monster, but it allows you to search the registers of members who specialize in psychotherapy. The BPS is well established, but that doesn't mean that a non-member should automatically be rejected. However, I take it as a good sign when an organization makes its procedures for complaining as open and accessible as possible. It might not help you in the end, but it shows willing.

You might also want to check the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk).

I don't know if you have health insurance through your H's job, or privately, but if you do, you should enquire there as they may have preferred therapists if you are able to make a claim.

Just researching counselling services should keep you busy for while. I wish you well in your searches.

[Concerned Reader]

OOppps!

When I say a site is a monster, I just mean it is very, very big and that it takes a while to search. No offence is intended. Sorry.

[matty]

our counselling was set up in our local doctors, you can ask him to arrange via the health service or recomend private counsellors.

I suggest you do this now though as both myself and my wife agreed to this before then when things were going good we forgot about it, now look where we are ! Im getting on better now also but the counselling is a must for us this time as we keep falling into the same traps.

[lozzie]

:) thanks to all those who left replies on this, my original thread,

I just wanted to say that H and i are still together, but thanks to me it hasn't been easy:(

When we got back together in xmas 2004 we promised each other we'd give it a year, we said we'd go to couselling, which we never did!

For more than a year i felt weak and stupid to of taken him back, i couldn't believe anything he said and i was getting lower and lower, i really wasn't copeing very well.

As the end of the year approached i didn't feel it was working, it didn't help that the OW had been emailng my H (he showed them to me).
i had bumped into her in shops twice (which i'm ashamed to say ended in slanging matches.)

That's when i met a man at work, at first we were just colleagues, then friends, we would often chat about our personel lifes (his son from old relationship, my family) he soon realised i was very low and that's when i told him of H's affair and how i wasn't sure if my marriage would work any more. He told me that if i ever needed a shoulder to cry on, to come to him. He was very supportive, and he would do every thing he could to cheer me up.

We met outside of work for a coffee, we held hands, he told me i meant a lot to him, i knew by then that i had started to get feelings for him too. we chatted for hours, he made me feel so special.

That's when i did something that i thought i'd never ever do. we started seeing each other :(

In January we met, i was very upset having just had a huge arguement with H. He comforted me and one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex, afterwards i cried for almost an hour (i was so angry, ashamed and disgusted with myself) he told me how much he loved me, how he really want to be with me. He kept phoning and txting me, he was so flattering and i really was so confused, we'd meet once or twice a fortnight, mostly at his house or the local coffee bar.

Thinking back this is the lowest part of my life (even lower than H's affair)

By the end of February i was realising that i didn't love the OM, it was my H that i loved. i tried to tell the other man this, he was going through a tough time at work and kept telling me that he needed and loved me.......... i felt trapped.

By the end of march i couldn't take it any more, i told the OM it was over by txt (calllous i know!) he wasn't happy i know, but there wasn't any scene's.

At last i could cope again and concentrate on making my marriage work, H and i were getting on so much better.

I wanted to come clean and tell him, but the last thing i wanted to do was to hurt him, i didn't want to put him through what felt to me 'the end of the world'

Sometimes when H was really nice i would push him away, he didn't know what he had done wrong, it wasn't that he had done anything wrong, all i could think was that he shouldn't be nice to me i didn't deserve it!

We had been getting on so much better, i really felt that we could make it ......... but i always had my big black cloud (affair) over my head!

In June things at work changed and the OM became my boss, from the begining he told me he still loved me and want to start the relationship back up, i told him NO. I told him i love my H and want to make my marriage work, he seemed astounded but he did back of.

From then on the OM was just a colleague, we would send the odd txt(work related) to each other, a few times he would send me jokes. there were one or two txt's containing innuendo's which i wasn't happy with, i showed my line manager, who said i could put in a grievence against him but for work relations sake i didn't do this. Sometimes the OM would ask if my H had ever found out about the affair? i felt threatened by this.

Then 3 weeks ago he used his authority to get me alone with him in a quiet part of our workplace, he trapped me in a small place were i couldn't get out,he'd pull his trousers and underweardown whilst i wasn't looking then he started tearing my trousers down, if someone hadn't come along i think he may of raped me.:mad:

I went to the police and reported it, but there was just not enough evidence to procede.

I told my H everything all about the affair , As i told him i could feel every emotion he went through, i was like re-living it all over again.

I have answered all his questions, hugged and kissed him when he needs it, let him shout and get angry at me. I understand how he is feeling, just like an emotional rolllercoater! I want to help him through it as much as i possibly can.

I'm so sorry i ever had an affair, if i could turn back the clock i would.

I have learnt so much over the last two and a half years, but the most important thing i know is that I LOVE MY HUSBAND and will do whatever it takes to spend the rest of my life with him!

All i hope now is that we can learn by our mistakes and built a bigger stronger love for each other.

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

[Annie2]

Hello Lozzie,

Blimey what a story!! I can't tell you how you lifted my spirits reading on this site a success story. You really have been through hell and back.

I found it hard reading that you too had an affair. I know right now, post-husband's affair, that I feel empty inside and very much needing a boost in confidence and so on. But I really feel that I don't think I would ever be tempted. The temptation is there and very much on the offering but for me I've enough to deal with without adding to it. I hope I don't sound judgemental (or just mental!). I really can see and identify how easy it happened for you. When your husband has an affair it leaves you so alone and empty and confused as to just how wanted or worthy you are. Therefore any sort of attention is very much comforting. I often wonder if I allowed myself to feel any better than I do if I would allow anyone, someone to make me feel better too.

It must have been horrific having the o/w on the scene. I had never met the o/w but I often play out scenes in my head what I would do if I did. Usually the dignified 'you mean nothing to me' scenerio. Yet deep inside I would love her to have as much hurt as I have.

I don't think you need 'words of wisdom' as you are clearly surviving an enormous testing time together. The very fact you are still together despite all of the crap proves that you really are meant to be (if that's not a load of old fishcakes).

It gives me great hope that you are able to say how much you love your husband as for me that is a big risk. Any love given by me has always been thrown back, one way or another, and it is a **** way to live.

I really wish you all the best and thank you for sharing your story. Once again, it really gives me hope.

Best wishes,
Annie

[lozzie]

Thank you, Annie

I really hope we can survive both affairs, at the moment i have the strenth for both of us. i just hope he doesn't give up!

Iv'e been reading through some of your postings, i reallly feel for you, i don't mean to be negative, but what else can your husband do to you?

You have my utmost respect for trying to make your marriage work, despite alll the obstacles your H keeps throwing at you.

It's about time your H stopped being so selfish and started putting you first!

Marriage is about understanding how the other partner feels, and to make them as happy as they can be, if he doesn't see that then there is someone out there who will make you and your children happy.

You have so much strenth it's unbelievable, i really hope for yours and your childrens sake it gets sorted out.

Kind Regards,

Lozzie