Husband here

[MANOHOUSE]

I titled this the way I did because it seems there are mostly women on the forum, but I am a husband feeling the same despair as some of you are and would like some advise.

I've been married for 10 years. We have two great kids. Our marriage sucks though. We rarely have sex because she has absolutely no sex drive. Her excuse is that she didn't get her BCP and we have to wait until her next period. We don't communicate and when ever we do, we fight. This is definitely affecting my ten year old son. The fighting is getting frustrating because we can't seem to stop it. I think it goes back to problems we've had in the past.

A little history: My wife and I grew up in the same town but when we were dating, I got transfered out of state and since she is a Catholic girl, we had to get married for her to move out there with me, so we did. We lived in a great town in CA and I had a job that I had dreamed about but after about three months of living there, she made our lives miserable because she wanted to go home. There was never any sacrifice on her part or care for my feelings. To make her happy and save our marriage, we moved back home and shortly after had my son. I believe that was the beginning of me not loving her anymore but it was only the start.

While we were living in CA, I found out that she had racked up about five thousand in CC bills I didn't know about. I was shocked but she said it would never happen again and I believed her. Every year or so after that for about eight years, I would descover more CC bills, some as much as ten thousand. Each time she would tell me she wouldn't do it again. I even went with her to Debtor's Anonymous but she kept doing it. In between episodes, I would even ask her if she was using CC's and she would look me in the face and say "no" but then I would discover a bill in her pocket or get a call from a collector. I was going out of my mind and seriously contemplating divorce. Also, after each episode I would tell her our marriage would be over if she did it again and she would do it, but I wouldn't leave. Thankful and crossing my fingers, she hasn't done it in about a year and I have been checking on her constantly.

Now though and over the last five or six years, I have grown a distolerance toward her I can not stop. I get agitated about so many things she say's and does. I don't trust her and feel she lies about everything. Even though she is my wife I feel I am living with someone I wouldn't even be friends with otherwise. I am frustrated and sad because I don't like being mad or andry or even mean to another person but I can't help it. Even though I say I want to be nice to her and love her because she is my wife, once e are together, I can't help but get annoyed by her. I need advise on getting over this or advise on moving beyond our relationship. She say's she loves me but I have a hard time telling her in return. I know she loves me but I think she would be happier without me. I know I loved her dearly at one time but over the years I have learned not to.

Please help. Can this relationship be saved?

[smackie9]

The real question here is, What have you done to try to save this relationship? Did you seek any counselling? Have you tried to separate for awhile? How about going away somewhere together without the kids? What do you really want? Most on this web site will tell you to stay and work it out, pray to god, go to church, blah blah blah. Well, if you don't get along, you don't get along. It's like beating a dead horse. The kids don't deserve to live in a unhappy, sometimes hostile household. I know I didn't. I hated being at home. So it's up to you. Here's my suggestion: Maybe try separating for awhile. Just live apart and try seeing each other like dating again. Sometimes this works. It just might iron out those old problems. If you want her to be more positive with you, you will have more positive with her. Stop picking at the bad stuff and think happy thoughts!:)

[Kate]

Dear Manohouse,

I don't agree with Smackie - perhaps she is speaking from her own experience, but I don't think that if you don't get alone, you don't get along. I suggest that perhaps you are struggling to express love to your wife because you are feeling so hurt. That hurt has built and built so that now it seems to be an insuperable barrier but it isn't. There seems to have been a number of things that have hurt you and I wonder if you have been able to forgive her. Forgiveness is really difficult - it involves letting go on the hurt and the desire for justice or the other person putting things right. It's about choosing not to make the other person pay for what they have done to you and it's a process that takes time, but it is possible.

You talk about trust and arguments. Why not have a look at the articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) and see if there is anything that can help you with these issues.

You talk about beginning not to love your wife - I think that you do still love her - after all you are still with her and you have gone on trying to help her with her problems. Love isn't about romantic feelings - it's about putting the other person first and wanting what's best for them and it gets harder and harder when they continue to hurt you. But love is a choice which involves our feelings. Right now loving for you is a painful choice, but you can learn to do it again.

I think your marriage has a tremendous chance if you two can find a way through your difficulties and pain. I think you have the ability and the strength to turn things round. Why not start with a few small steps like beginning to forgive your wife and free yourself of all the baggage you have been carrying around for years. Believe your wife when she says thats he loves you (even though you may think she has a funny way of showing it), why not allow that to comfort you and then see if there are ways that you can both begin to express that love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html) in ways that you can understand

Kate

:)