He loves me; yet not enough

[Alone]

I previously had posted under "My Husband Needs Space After 10 Years ". After being away from home for 10 days, he returned b/c he couldn't stand being away from our children (9 and 6). He came stating he was returning for the children and hoping to make things work between the two of us.

It's been almost 3 months since his return. He hasn't even tried to initiate a conversation to discuss what we can do to remedy this situation. I think he basically feels that his returning home is enough to show how he's trying to work out or marriage. We even went away for a weekend together two weeks ago. The weekend ended up in a flop due to stressful situation w/the kids and the lack of romanticsim on his part.

I finally brought up the topic yesterday and he opened up to say that he doesn't have that urge to be with me physcially. He doesn't feel sexually attracted to me. Now let me complete this by saying that at present I look better than I did when we got married. I even went through a BL and TT after gaining due to pregnancy, then losing weight. I've always taken care of myself without compromising my responsibilities as a working mom and wife of a cop. Yes--he's in law enforcement.

He assures me that there never has been anyone else he's been with while in our relationship. Not to say that he hasn't thought of it; but that he never acted on it...
Suffice it to say, I still love this man with all my heart. He's always been a great family man and father. Up until the "blowout" during the summer, he was my best friend.

I've been seeing a therapist to help me cope. He saw a therapist (about 4-5 times) immediately after leaving the house. He hasn't been to any other sessions. I've asked him if he would consider couples therapy. He doesn't say no; but he isn't saying yes. Basically he's ignoring it.

I told him he had a couple of choices: 1. Leave for good; or 2. stick it out and stay for the kids' sake and basically live a marriage of convenience (since he seems to have his mind set that he isn't physcially attracted to me and may not ever be).

He replied by saying he doesn't have a choice b/c he doesn't want to put our children through what he put them through during is absence of 10 days. Bottom line he's giving me the inclination that he wants to stay for the kids. But what does that do for me? For him?

I told him, I'm willing to live under these conditions (unfilfilled as a woman) in order to keep my family together. But I just don't know how long I can put up with it. Let's face it--I'm not old; but I'm not very young.

I've bought books, am going to therapy and have been the same with him as I always was before our blowout--attentive and loving. I feel I've done all I can at this point to fight for my marriage. But how can one person do it all? I feel he needs to step up to the plate and try to remedy the little that may be left between us. After all, he says he loves me and that this "issue" is his responsibility. He assures me I have been the best woman, wife and mother any man could have. He keeps saying it's him...But then if he's stating accountability for this issue, then why doesn't he do more about fixing it? And if he's not sure exactly what should be fixed, then why doesn't he continue to seek professional help? Why can't he meet me part of the way?

I'm sorry I'm rambling on and on; but I just can't stand to hurt and wonder how he could love me and do anything for me; yet not be "in love" or have any physical attraction towards me....

[Kate]

Dear Alone,

This isn't what you expected married life to be like and it must hurt like hell. However, you have more hope for growing closeness when he is remaining committed to you and the children. That may seem small comfort, but you only have to look at the other postings here to see that you have an opportunity to rebuild things, whereas he might have walked away.

You still have your love for him. The challenge you face is to love your husband unconditionally letting go of the expectations you have of how he will love you in return. That's not a popular concept these days because everything around us screams "Take care of number One" "Protect yourself from getting hurt", "Don't be taken advantage of", but love that changes things is love that accepts our loved one's limitations, chooses to put their needs before our own, keeps on hoping when life seems hopeless. You have emotional needs too and you don’t see them as being met by your husband, but he does say that he loves you. You want a lover not just a friend, but can you accept just being a friend for a while?

He may not know what to do to sort things out and he may not be sure he wants to go through with counselling. It is very hard but I wonder if ultimatums do any good. I'm sure you want to put things right and move things on, but I wonder if you just take things gently whether time may not bring some healing and some hope. It’s not uncommon for the passion to get lost from a marriage, but it’s also not uncommon for it to get rekindled again especially when a couple stick together and try and make things work. Rather than counselling, have you considered marriage enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/)? It may be that your husband thinks your marriage has lost it’s sparkle and enrichment can help with that. Most of the programmes listed on the site are accessible in USA as well as the UK. Why not have a look?

Kate
:)

[Alone]

Hi Kate:

Thank you so much for your advice. Since my last posting I have re-surfaced conversation with my husband (honestly I've spoken more than he); but the end result of our discussion was that he admitted he knows he has issues, but doesn't know what they are. I went on to encourage and assure him that these past 13 years I've always been, not in front of him or behind him, but always by his side. I assured him that I will continue to help and support him. Anything so as to give our marriage a fighting chance. He agreed to go to couples therapy; but would like to see the therapist first on his own before my joining in. My guess is that his first therapist (whom he stopped seeing over a month ago) was not completely satisfactory to him (although he says otherwise). I then suggsted that maybe it would be good to see a male therapist, since both of us were seeing females. All this doesn't matter to me; but I figured it could have an influence of his being open. I must have struck a chord; b/c he agreed to see a male CSW.

I discussed this possibility with my own therapist; and she agreed that any format of counseling is better than none at all. And that I should take advantage of the fact he is willing to go. So I haven't wasted any time and have made an appt. for him for next week.

I believe, in my heart, that we can work this out. But I also believe I cannot do it alone w/o any communication from him. He's been back for almost 3 months and has not communicated anything to me. The only reason I know that he has no "sexual drive" to be with me physically is because I brought up the discussion.

I mentioned to him that I totally understand men and women don't have the same expectations in a relationship. And that although he may think sex is a huge part of a marriage there are other things that are just as important if not more. I also brought up the fact of what we have built throughout our 13 years together. We have a beautiful home, two wonderful children, a huge respect for one another (never talking offensively), believe in the same fundamental moral values and have the same faith. I asked him to think about the fact that there are many individuals that go through life (some of whom we know personally) looking for someone that has what we have had together and can't find it.

I did assure him I'm willing to put my "womanly pride" on the shelf for now and continue to give him space. Although this is a bit difficult as a woman who is used to physical affection. (I am a very affectionate person too). I hope this CSW will help my H's challenge of figuring out what his issues are (since he did admit he has them). And I pray that as he sorts out those issues, he will then have a change of heart about me (as a woman).