In love

[Insecure india]

Ive met a guy who, in the past has been badly hurt. He has an ex wife who he married at a very young age and an 18 month old son to his ex girlfriend.

I know hes such a lovely genuine guy as he is my bestfriends brother in law. Due to friends get togethers we have met and got on extremely well and are extremely attracted to each other.

He lives 250 miles away, however I really have strong feelings for him and should I take the chance to open my feelings up, who has also been badly hurt in the past and is scared of being open and rejection, and ask him if he would like to take our friendship to the next stage.

Travelling would not be an issue to me, as i have done this in the past and feel that i someone is worth it then you will make the effort. The only obstacles would be the what i create, which in this instance would be none. Please help.
Should I take the bull by the horns and ask?

Many Thanks.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear India

It is not so much the 250 miles, or the first marriage which set the alarm bells ringing, but the child.

A child is rarely a piece of 'finished' business; the fact of their existence threads itself through time and the events can be unpredictable. The lost child may be recovered, but that does not always thrill the people currently in a man's life. Even if the child never reappears, there is a sense of loss which bites deeper as people get older and realize that they have failed to connect with the child who might otherwise have loved them.

You know very little about the circumstances of the child's birth. Was somebody careless about contraception? Who? How do you know? Was the child wanted? Did he want to marry the girl and did she refuse? Why? What is the current state of financial committment? Does he pay openly and fully acknowledging his responsibility in fathering this child, or does he moan and try to deny that he had any part in it at all? Is he pursuing access to the child? Is the girlfriend as ex as you think?

All you know at this stage is that the man suggests he has been hurt and, guessing from what you write, that he may not be able to acknowledge his role in inflicting hurt. The ex-wife and the ex-girl friend could, I suppose, both have been grade-A so-and-sos, but it is equally likely that they were just regular women.

There are just so many unknowns.

And then there is how you may feel. Some people are relaxed and happy with the idea of previous children who, as half-siblings, may want a relationship with the current children. Other people (I'm probably one of them) freak out at the idea of so many people having grounds for intruding in their lives.

If you do take this relationship any further, finding out the answers to some of these questions should take priority before you make too many committments.

I wish you well.