Give Up Or Keep Trying

[paguy]

I really don't know where to start so i guess the begining will be it. I need help on figuring out where to go from here. My wife and I have been married 17 years and are now seperated. We both want things to work out between us but she is at a point where she cant get past things in her head. Things went wrong about 2 years ago when i started a stupid thing on the computer which was talking to other woman and cybering. at the time i felt like she didnt want me and i turned to the net. She caught me and i said it was over only to do it all over again. this has been on her mind for some time now. We agreed to seperate to try and get things sorted out between us. Last week i found out that she went and had sex with another guy while we were still living togather and not seperated yet (says it was a revenge thing). I really want to work things out with our relationship because we still love each other. This is where the problem is. I want to move on and put the past behind us and work on regaining the trust we once had. My wife is at a roadblock in this because she says she cant get it out of her head. I agree that it will always be there in one form or another but it can be overcome. She has a problem because she thinks I will always throw it up in her face in the future. She has put up this wall around herself that wont let her get close to me again, saying that she doesn't want to be let down again. What I am having a problem understanding is how to regain trust without taking a chance and getting close to someone again. I do know that i can forgive her and i love her unconditionally. I also know it will be hard to forget that she cheated on me and that I did on her too. I dont know how to get through to her about this wall she put up, saying that to work things out we have to trust each other again, but how can this be done if she won't let herself get close to me again. I am not sure where to go from here, we have agreed to see each other like starting over. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Thanks,
Mark

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Paguy

It's nice to read of people trying to get past problems and do better together than they would apart.

It may help to think of putting the past 'in perspective' rather than just behind you. This is to agree an interpretation of what happened between you both and then stick to it. This is to avoid the past leaping out unpredictably and souring the present.

Trust is very much a matter of time and practice; the day-to-day habit of trust in small matters which gradually builds up in to a bridge between you. Keep building up the little things; the phone call, the shopping, the agreeing and doing of jobs. Eventually, the reasons to believe in the partner outweigh the reasons to doubt.

As regards who did what to whom and in which order; you could point out that it is very much against your interests to rake this over as neither of you comes up smelling of roses. In the interests of reconciliation you could concede that as you apparently 'started' it, you are the least likely want the subject dragged out in future.

Think of it as an oriental protocol game. You offer an unqualifed apology and it becomes possible for her to respond. Once there is a mutual agreement, then the rebuilding can begin. The odds are stacked in both your favour; you were married happily for 15 years before this unfortunate episode and so the last 2 years represent only about one eight of the time you have known each other.

My very best wishes to you both.

[Kate]

Dear Mark

Rebuilding trust is really tricky because we are afraid of getting hurt, but Concerned Reader gives good advice on how to negotiate and build things up slowly.

People have different ways of viewing trust - why not have a look at the article here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). I think that what your wife is saying to you is that she's hurt and it's going to take time to allow you close again. Lets hope that thsi new start you're making will allow you to rebuild again.

Kate

[Sierra]

I would never forgive a woman who responded that way. She cheated. Period.

I don't take seconds to another man.

What you did wasn't perfect, but she responded in a way grossly inappropriate.

She'll do it again too...as soon as she makes up a reason.

D

[snakedriver]

Hate to say it but I agree with Sierra to a point. You stated that you only cybered. I do believe that is a form of cheating. But to stay with someone that would take revenge like that, to purposefully commit the most painful, damaging betrayal out of spite, that I could not bear. Every time you hurt her a bit, is she going to hurt you worse? Thats incredibly unhealthy. To me there is a big difference between what you both have done. There is a lot to consider though, like her side of the story.

Really be honest with yourself. Will you always throw it in her face? Will she use it as a threat or weapon to manipulate you? Can you honestly let it go, all the way? If you think you can and she will also, that means about you cybering as well, then you have a chance with some proper help.

[Mithreeboy]

Hi my name is Mike! Going through a third affair, curently seperated! We both have let go of the first 2, this one will be much harder and is still underway. My wife has an unusual problem, 9 months of the year we are inseperatable due to going to races and spending almost all the months in the summer camping and going to and from work to our camper. She gets depresssed in the winter and gets herself in trouble. Have been in counseling for 13 months with her to help her stop and gain trust. I firmly believe if you can get yourselves both help you can fix the trust barriar. You sound like any work available will work. Yes my wife has had another affair so it may appear counseling doesn't work, however my wife has extreme measures from the past that she can't let go. I enjoy all you fellow readers have written here and would really like to gain some ideas on mine as well. For the 2 of you, is it really worth starting over maybe only to get together later on. Does anybody realize the finicial waste you go through? That is all money spent enjoying with each other, instead of being stressed with another partner. Life can be taken away at any moment. For now, try and convince some help even if seperate! And no refenge is definetly no answer to anything!