Despairing and Hurt

[Rosieq]

Hi
I have been married just four months and already it is in pieces.
Two weeks ago my husband and I had a small argument. He went out and didn't come home until the early hours of the morning. Over the next few days he wouldn't talk to me. He said he needed space and wasn't sure if he still wanted to be married to be. He said I was smothering him.
I left him be, and we eventually met after work for a chat.
He explained that he had been feeling like we didn't have enough fun and didn't go out enough and that I was too sensible.
Previously he has expressed a strong wish to go to college and start teacher training. To do that we would have to save for the next year. With this in mind I had tried to reduce our spending, especially on 'going out'.
However since we are both sociable people I acknowledged that this was hard and that I would try to 'lighten up' and have more fun. I apologised for making him unhappy and said I would try hard to change this.
He said ok, but said he wanted to stay at his friends that night for some space. We kissed goodbye and I went home feeling ok.

A few hours later that night I was woken up by my mobile phone. My husband was outside in a taxi, blind drunk, with no money, no keys, no jacket and no bag. I paid the taxi and got him inside. He started sobbing saying he had messed everything up and why was I being so nice to him? I said because I loved him and helped him to bed.
In bed I suddenly noticed that he didn't have his wedding ring on. I became extremely suspicious and took his mobile phone outside to look at the messages.

I found a lot of messages on his phone to and from a girl who works for the same company as him in another country. They were pretty horrific ranging from how much they missed each other, to how their tongues were burning and the best was one from him saying he had never felt this way before about anyone.

I broke down and tried to confront him, which was stupid as he was still blind drunk and could hardly speak. I rang my mum then and she came and got me, took me to hers and sat up with me all night while I cried and raged.

I went home the next morning to talk. He was defensive and angry. He said he still wanted to be friends with the girl. I said that wasn't acceptable. He said he wanted to phone her privately to say sorry and goodbye. I left the room so he he could do that, then woke up and went back in, only to overhear him laughingly saying 'she didn't see any of the bad texts'.

I then became extremely angry and shouted and cried.
After a couple of hours of talking, during which he said that I was too straight for him and that he wasnt sure he loved me enough, I decided to go back to my parents for a break.

He texted me that evening to say sorry and that he didn't want to lose me.

I went back the next day and we spent the next 3 days talking. He said he was still drunk the day earlier and was horrified at how he had behaved. He said he did love me, that the other person meant nothing etc.
He said he was feeling very low, and didn't feel like he could communicate with me. He said this girl flattered his ego and he responded to that. Regarding the texts he said he wrote texts which would provoke the desired response, ie someone saying how much they liked him and how great he was etc. He promised it wouldn't happen again and begged me to stay.

I agreed to stay and give it a chance.

Yesterday he rang me and said that he couldn't be at work, that he felt very stressed and depressed, in general, not about me. He went to the doctors and has been given anti-depressants, a month off work, and his work have arranged counselling.

I am on the floor with hurt and pain. I feel that I can never trust him again. That our marriage is worthless. I am so shocked that after only four months, instead of talking to me, he decided to get his ego fed by someone else.
I am totally devastated that he could have said that he never felt this way to someone else, only four months after standing in a church and saying that to me.

It feels like everything he has said, and everything we have said to each other has been a lie. I feel worthless.

And even though I am hurting like this, and he admits he has messed up and that it is mainly his fault, I can't get any comfort or reassurance from him, or express any hurt or anger to him, because now he is 'depressed'.

I am so angry and disappointed. I don't know who I have married.
I wanted a faithful, good and kind husband who was mature enough and who loved me enough to work problems out through communication. And all I have is a weak pathetic child who hurts regardless.

My family and friends are hurting too. They will stand by any decision I make but I am finding it very hard. I don't want to throw my marriage away so soon, but neither do I want to waste time on someone so undeserving.

We are going to Relate counselling tonight. But will they help?

How can I forgive?
How can I trust again?
Will he change and become an honourable person?

If anyone can help with any words of wisdom, please do. I don't know what I am doing.
Sorry for the mega long post.

[smackie9]

I'm suprised no one has touched this one. Maybe they are all waiting to see how your counselling is going. Has it changed him? Has it helped you in any way? He may have hurt you, but it seems he knows he has done wrong and wants to right it. You have that going for you. It's not your fault and never blame yourself for this. He was probably like this before you even met. If it were me I would have dumped his sorry ass, but that's just me. You may feel weak, but you really are strong enough to try to work it out and salvage your marriage. So it's been just over a week since you've posted. What's happening now?:confused:

[Kate]

Dear Rosieq

It sounds as if your husband has had some sort of breakdown and you must feel very hurt, confused and lonely. Remember that your worth is not based on how he responds to you. You have worth just because you are a human being with your own unique qualities. You've already shown your love, generosity and strength in sticking by your man when you are so hurt. That must be really hard because you don’t have much shared life together to look back on and rely on in these difficult times. There was a time when you were convinced that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man. There were things in him that you were attracted to, that you valued in him. Try and hang on to some of those at this time and to the fact that people can change and resolve their problems and grow up too!

You ask specifically about forgiveness and trust - there are a number of articles about these issues here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/). I hope that the counselling enables you both to unravel all this pain and find a way forward.

When you have found your way through counselling there are a whole raft of other programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) that couples find helpful to go on building up their relationship together.

Why not give the counselling a try and ensure that you have some support and places where you can unwind and have some space.

All the best

Kate

[Rosieq]

Thanks for your kind replies.
We went to Relate and it was an initial assessment session where we both said what we thought were the problems and what we wanted out of Relate counselling. The counsellor filled in a few forms, ticked a few boxes and we are now on the waiting list, which is two months long.
So we will have to muddle along until then.

Worst husband in the world has also been offered counselling through his work, both individual and marriage guidance. So we are taking that up too.

I think he has problems of his own which have contributed to this mess and until he sorts them out, or at least begins the process of sorting them out, then we can't move on.

I feel slightly in limbo at the moment. Going through phases of feeling very angry and then hurt and then insecure. He is trying his best to reassure me. He's doing and saying everything I would want him to say, but as he's proved already, talk is cheap.

I guess it's a matter of time. I have to work out whether I can trust again, whether he is worth it, whether I can get my respect back for him (as at the moment I have none).

It's a struggle but as one of my friends says - I can't get divorced til next July anyway so may as well give it a go.

Thanks again.