Plank Walking Part 2

[Alan]

Morning All

Just journaling - I find it helps me keep focused.

So, what's new then? Wife still away from family and life goes on. Strange how the 'change' in circumstances becomes the 'norm'.

Seventh week of the separation - again, I'm advised this is still not long, but when you're living it ..... - and still no sign of wife coming back.

We have a parents evening tonight. A 10 min appointment with our son's teacher and in making arrangements with wife for this, I got a further flavour of how cold and indifferent she has become.

She will have to travel (round trip) 20 miles, straight from work, so I thought it might be nice to offer to have tea while she was down in the area.

Nothing fancy, McDonalds, that sort of thing, something that can involve our son and nice and simple.

No R talk, just a chance to be together and be human.

Her response - "I'll meet you at the school and will see how the evening progresses before agreeing to anything more."

I confess to getting quite angry and upset at all of this.

As I've posted before, I think I know why she walked out and there are many reasons with which I agree and where I need to make changes. With a little bit of counselling I can see, now, that despite my early downers on myself, it's not all my fault.

I can't understand all the coldness though. Our weeks apart have made things worse and not better ; she 's further away than ever and it hurts like hell.

Christmas is fast approaching. My favourite time of year. Son's birthday is on Xmas Eve too and we normally have a smashin' time.

Limboland, where we all are, is serving no purpose.

Worse, when lines of communication are down, what do you do? The 'shields are up' with phasers set to 'kill'.

Ach, as I said, I'm just venting here ; no-one really knows the answer and I don't expect magic solutions. That said, like confusedman and rejectedman, who have had similar experiences, once a spouse decides to leave, the chances of reconciliation diminish - greatly.

I accept that sometimes people genuinely don't get along and parting is the best solution. Abusive relationships come into that category, everything else can be worked out.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned ; I believe in my marriage vows, "sickness and health, till death do us part".

I'm a changed person now. Battle hardened perhaps and I'm now a real cynic. I'm struggling to speak to people and believe what they say. I used to be trusting and now I'm not. I actually don't like myself very much.

And, in amongst all of that, I don't have the capacity to be as mean as my wife ; I still love her and I think no matter what happens, I always will. But my God, this is a real tough test and one which few people understand.

Friends disappear quickly as most were couple orientated ; family really don't know what to say and sadly sides are taken. One simple act of confusion results in so much hurt for everyone. And the damage is permanent.

Move on is another familiar cry. Again, easy to say, very, very hard to do.

Going home to an empty shell of what was a bustling family home rips me apart every day. Does anyone have a time machine?? And the worse part? Knowing that the answer is around the corner but can't be solved.

I pray daily for help. None comes. Faith has wavered and I don't believe this is part of a big plan.

[Alan]

Hello - me again.

Journaling again.

Parents evening came and went last night. Great report for the wee fella and I'm doubly proud of him. He's a wee star.

WAW turns up - late - and agrees to a McDonalds with us.

To be frank, I wish she hadn't bothered.

I kept relationship topics out as much as I could and attempted to be cheery and interested and keep up a conversation.

Do you know she never once asked how I was doing, asked any questions at all?

The person we were with last night is not my wife and for the first time since she moved out, I feel a wee bit of resentment towards her (and I feel bad about that).

I was physically sick before we went out to the parents evening and was actually terrified of meeting with her.

She's a real alien now and the steely far away look in her eyes tells me a lot.

So what do I do? Well I think the answer here is nothing. I've finally really realised that there is absolutely nothing I can do to influence matters and I need to make plans.

And you know, that feeling of shutting her out (for now) is not so bad. Am I hardening to the situation? Maybe.

Here's something I'm looking for advice on.

I've been invited out for dinner and the cinema from an old friend of mine ; female.

I met her in ASDA of all places and I hadn't seen her for a while - 3 years in fact - and we got talking, as you do.

Anyway, she sent me an e-mail 'asking me out'. Should I go? Would it be wrong?

I confess to feeling really guilty about even thinking of accepting her invite and worse, really apprehensive about any stories getting back to my wife.

Life is a real rollercoaster eh?

[Hope]

Alan

I don't post much but I do read the posts and I know just how awful you're feeling. I understand the pain, I really do. Time does help a little and things do get easier - after being separated for nearly 4 months I've become more accepting of the situation and I'm getting used to it just being myself and the boys. I also quite enjoy certain parts of being alone now, like having the WHOLE bed to myself and doing as I please and buying what I want when I want. Hope I'm not going to become selfish now that I don't have a husband to consider.... arrrrrgh! After a while you'll probably have a clearer view on what went wrong in the relationship as I'm now finding. When my husband left I just couldn't accept it and just wanted him back. I don't think your stop loving your spouse and why should you? I will always have a place in my heart for my husband and I still love him even after the way I've been treated. I'm sure your wife will mellow soon because my husband is warm and friendly now, which is nice. I still get my moments of anger towards him now that he lives with the OW but he just accepts that its natural for me to feel resentment towards him and his partner sometimes..... im only human!

If you feel you need to talk about things have you tried counselling? I've been attending some sessions just so that I can unload my feelings and try to understand my husband and why our marriage failed etc. I feel better for talking and I'm beginning to look forward not back. Friends and family are important and will help you to rebuild your life but perhaps you should just use their friendship in a more social capacity?

If I were invited out by an old friend (male) I'd jump at it! Not because I would be having any intentions of starting a relationship but because its important to fill your life with fun and laughter etc. Don't feel guilty.... infact you're only feeling guilty because the friend is a female! If the friend was male you'd go without question! Don't look at every encounter with a female as though its going to lead anywhere just accept the invitation and try to focus on enjoying today... one day at a time etc. We cant change the past and we have no choice other than to look forward. If the news that you are out for the evening gets back to your wife I doubt she'd be bothered anyway with her attitude at the moment. Just one other point though, don't just accept the invitation to make her jealous because that would be using the friend. On the other hand if by chance you do form a relationship with your female friend make sure its not on the rebound because it won't do you any good if you end up having another "parting of the ways" and more heartache.... don't I go on? I'm a typical female and I analyse everything!!!

Any way better not ramble on anymore.... go out and have FUN and give your poor exhausted mind something to look forward to and focus on. I've had more of a social life since my husband left me than I've had for years and I'm having fun and I'm relaxed - life is starting to feel good!

Send a post and let us know how it all goes!

Hope

[Angel]

I so agree- this is the situation I am in - I am trying to fathom what I want and it is not fair to get invloved just yet with anyone for the sake it. If it happens, it happens.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Alan

The scrupulous would say don't go until you have sorted out a formal agreement to separate from your wife. Just because she seems to have chosen to set aside promises, that does not automatically release you. Up to now you have been adamant that you want to repair this.

But I'm not that scrupulous, so I'd be off like a shot.

However, be aware that many people have found that the news of romantic interest in the ex-partner can spur strong reactions. (Don't ask for logic).

Your wife may suddenly realize that under the present arrangement she has opened the possibility of another woman being in close proximity to her son. Not on this occassion, of course, we are only talking about a social event, but it is more the realization that in choosing you 'out' of her life, it opens a channel for people she never considered to come in to your life and by extension, in to hers.

I've seen both men and women get in to a terrible temper when they realize this, but I can't for the life of me understand why they are surprised. They all watch telly, they all read stories, surely they know that just because one person leaves a story, the rest of the characters don't stop?

It's not a question of stories getting back to your wife; it is just something she will have to come to terms with if she wishes to go ahead with this. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her but it also isn't a secret.

The only thing which would be wrong would be accidentally putting your son in
a position of keeping a secret.

So finally, the only test I can offer is: "Are you comfortable with telling your son are having a night out with a friend who happens to be a lady?"

If you come up negative with that, wait until you feel more comfortable with it.

Otherwise, enjoy the movie.

[Alan]

Alan

I don't post much but I do read the posts and I know just how awful you're feeling. I understand the pain, I really do. Time does help a little and things do get easier - after being separated for nearly 4 months I've become more accepting of the situation and I'm getting used to it just being myself and the boys. I also quite enjoy certain parts of being alone now, like having the WHOLE bed to myself and doing as I please and buying what I want when I want. Hope I'm not going to become selfish now that I don't have a husband to consider.... arrrrrgh! After a while you'll probably have a clearer view on what went wrong in the relationship as I'm now finding. When my husband left I just couldn't accept it and just wanted him back. I don't think your stop loving your spouse and why should you? I will always have a place in my heart for my husband and I still love him even after the way I've been treated. I'm sure your wife will mellow soon because my husband is warm and friendly now, which is nice. I still get my moments of anger towards him now that he lives with the OW but he just accepts that its natural for me to feel resentment towards him and his partner sometimes..... im only human!
Hope, you understand complety - thank you. Time is still passing very slowly and the pain is there, but I need to try to accept things as they are. I don't enjoy being on my own though. That's a tough one.

I hope my wife does indeed mellow as you say ; right now I don't know if that's possible for her. She's an alien.

If you feel you need to talk about things have you tried counselling? I've been attending some sessions just so that I can unload my feelings and try to understand my husband and why our marriage failed etc. I feel better for talking and I'm beginning to look forward not back. Friends and family are important and will help you to rebuild your life but perhaps you should just use their friendship in a more social capacity?

Counselling is indeed an option, but I find posting here helps enormously. In the first few weeks I made some decisions on certain aspects of my social life which cut me off from a few things. I don't regret those actions, it had to be done, but it is time to try and get out and about more.

If I were invited out by an old friend (male) I'd jump at it! Not because I would be having any intentions of starting a relationship but because its important to fill your life with fun and laughter etc. Don't feel guilty.... infact you're only feeling guilty because the friend is a female! If the friend was male you'd go without question! Don't look at every encounter with a female as though its going to lead anywhere just accept the invitation and try to focus on enjoying today... one day at a time etc. We cant change the past and we have no choice other than to look forward. If the news that you are out for the evening gets back to your wife I doubt she'd be bothered anyway with her attitude at the moment. Just one other point though, don't just accept the invitation to make her jealous because that would be using the friend. On the other hand if by chance you do form a relationship with your female friend make sure its not on the rebound because it won't do you any good if you end up having another "parting of the ways" and more heartache.... don't I go on? I'm a typical female and I analyse everything!!!
Your advice is welcome and no, you are not 'going on'. I want my wife home, more than anything I can ever remember, that won't change, at least not until it's finally over. That decision won't be mine. I'm going to accept the invitation and I'm going to enjoy it too. It won't be on the rebound either. I'm not that daft ; but I do want to take it up as it will give me a boost.

If my wife finds out,then I'll deal with that too.But I won't be going out my way to hide it from her nor will I be making a song 'n' dance about it either. I wuldn't dream of attempting to make her jealous. I'm not that sort of person anyway. If I thought it would hurt her,I wouldn't go through with it.

I'm doing it for me. For the first time I'm beginning to understand what that means.

Any way better not ramble on anymore.... go out and have FUN and give your poor exhausted mind something to look forward to and focus on. I've had more of a social life since my husband left me than I've had for years and I'm having fun and I'm relaxed - life is starting to feel good!

Send a post and let us know how it all goes!

Hope
Thanks Hope. You're husband is missing out on a special person.

[Rejectedman]

Alan
Our planks are still running in parallel my friend, its almost like having a mirror view.
You are right about Hope, she understands very well and even if only for some peace of mind, comfort, joy, light relief, you should get out. If an opportunity presents itself, with no steps outside your comfort zone as it is at present, then great. Company of any sort for "Dumped Guys" helps to balance the self esteem.
Wouldnt mind if I got asked just now, a long stepladder to get out of the hole would be fine.
Hope you have a good time.
R.man

[Alan]

R.Man, Hope and Concerned Reader

Again, just journaling after another two days of pain. Some people call it the weekend, and actually look forward to it!

My wife and I drift further apart as the days and weeks melt into months. She can't even be in the same room as me now.

Hope, you say that with time she could chill out. I pray this happens. When we first parted she was amicable with a kiss and cuddle when we met up, now absolutely nothing.

She communicates via text messaging, a medium I detest, and even then the messages are curt to the point of being disrespectful.

Looking at photos last night of our life together, filled me with joy and despair and perhaps I shouldn't do this. However I still mourn my loss. It's tough, really tough.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm dreading it, yet my wife sees no problem with it. I can see tears and tantrums over our son and despite he 'abandonment' I can see me losing.

On a positive note, as posted before, I've decided to have my night out with my old friend. Why not? I'm looking forward to it and should be a welcome relief.

I've spoken to my son about it and he says and I quote 'Go for it dad!'

Good enough for me.

Everyone keep positive.

Alan

[Hope]

I felt quite sad when you described the weekend as “two days of pain but some people call it the weekend”! I used to feel like that about the weekends especially Sundays. My husband takes the boys out on a Saturday and Sunday is usually just the boys and myself. I began to hate Sundays at first because my husband spends the whole day with his new partner whilst I’m here fulfilling my role as the “one parent family”! I am getting used to my own routine now and its actually not that bad, honestly things will slowly improve.

I do believe your wife will mellow in time. I don’t see how you can be married for such a long time and not feel anything over time. Perhaps the frosty exterior is merely demonstrating her own unhappiness with her life. I doubt its you that’s making her so cold and unfriendly, after all if she’s left you to make herself happy why isn’t she displaying signs of happiness about her decision to end the marriage? She sounds lost and unhappy with herself, not you.

I can understand how frustrating it is communicating via text – you can’t have much of a conversation with 160 characters on a text message can you? My husband hardly phones me and if I need to speak to him about the divorce and finances etc he’s always rushing off to a meeting at work and just doesn’t have any time for me anymore. In fact he’s too busy to even get divorced!

Christmas is a tricky one. I’ve been invited to family for Christmas day which will hopefully help me to cope with the day. My husband is coming over to visit the boys in the morning to watch the children open their presents then he’ll be rushing off to spend the rest of the day with his partner. Even though I’m spending time with family I will still feel sad that I’m spending one of the most special days of the year without my husband but I will do my very best to enjoy the day for the sake of the children. New years eve is also a difficult one…. I will see the new year in with a BOTTLE of wine and a curry!!!

Glad you’ve decided to accept the invite out! Go and have fun, you deserve it. Good friends are worth investing in!

Report back on the evening out were all interested to find out how it goes.

Bye for now

Hope

[Alan]

Hope - many thanks for your words of encouragement and support, I appreciate them.

I sincerely hope that everything works out for you and your H too. Life can be so cruel at times eh?

I have a laptop which I've been using to practice word processing skills for with our son for school. For an 8 year old, his keyboard skills are very good. Anyway, we decided to
sit down last night after homework was done, tea eaten and bath taken to start his Santa list for Christmas. He wanted to do this so he could e-mail Santa !!

Anyway, item No 1 - Mummy home. Jeez, where do you go from there? Breaks my heart.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Alan

Keep going. You are doing alright.

I was going to froth about having the child at Christmas, but considering the Santa list I wonder if you could find it in your heart - and I know this is a terrible lot to ask - to ask your wife to make arrangements to have him for some of the period.

I know you will feel like you are 'losing' but really you will be doing your best to limit the pain this separation could cause. From what you say your wife is unlikely to re-think her position in the family, but if you could get some of the uncertainty out of the situation, that would help a little bit.

If he knows when he is going to see her that will enable him to organize his thoughts without holding out for things which lead to worse disappointment.
(I know this from first-hand observation of children with absent parents.)

You once stated, fairly, that none of us know your W or have heard her side of the story, but because of my cultural background I find it very hard to get in to a place where any parent - but especially a woman - voluntarily abandons a child, unless they are ill. Even if you were a monster, especially if you were a monster, a competent mother takes the child with her, surely?

I remain hopelessly out of my depth, but I am sure you are doing the right things to cushion the child. I only wish there was something stupid and cheery I could say for you, but unfortunately I believe that those who are able to love more are also liable to suffer more.

I hope things are settling down at work.

[Hope]

Hi Alan

Wouldn’t it be nice if your son’s gift request from Santa was his mother back home to live. Children are very forgiving and will always want a complete family no matter what parents do or say.

My eldest son is beginning to see that I am the loyal parent and we are becoming a very close and happy family of 3. Sometimes I feel they are missing out on having a full time father figure around but I do believe they will be stronger, more independent and balanced children all the time I am here being supportive and here for them.

Do you think you’ll get custody of your son if you divorce? I do hope so because children are wonderful and certainly give you a purpose in life. I’m sure your son will help aid your recovery from this nightmare – my children have been wonderful and they keep my spirits up most of the time and they have a great sense of humour….. bless them both!

Hope

[Alan]

Guys

Thanks for posting.

I'm actually afraid, indeed scared to ask about Christmas with my wife. Cowardly I know, but I'm putting any talk of any plans firmly off for at least another week.

I know this next bit is wrong according to DB, but after next week is over I plan to ask her for a meeting to see if she has any thoughts for the future.

I hope she will agree to at least talk.

Hope - I'm not thinking too far ahead on custody etc. That is crystal ball gazing, something I'm advised not to do. One day at a time etc. I agree though that he has been brilliant throughout all of this lousy experience and I'm proud of him.

[Alan]

Hi guys

Journaling again.

Another weekend passes - 2 months now to the day my wife walked out - and yet more misery and despair. God, how I used to love Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now I dread them, really dread them.

Wife gets further away as the minutes tick by and our only communication is via damned texting. She won't speak to me when I call.

I dropped our son off at Grans on Sunday - she didn't/couldn't see him on Saturday - and he was returned 4 hours later, without her coming in to what was (is?) our house.

These are the times where it hurts the most. I really can't fathom why she won't communicate. I don't think she can be happy where she is, both physically or mentally yet if she wont talk how can we even begin to solve it?

I plan to phone her on Wed to try and talk. Even the thought of it fills me with fear and dread. This limboland is destroying me and I think her too. She's stubborn though. But for me, I need to bring it to a head, even if the outcome is not what I prefer.

Have a good week everyone.

[Hope]

Alan,

It must be very frustrating that you so desperately want to talk to your wife and yet she’s still not being receptive. My H wants to be “good friends” or “best friends” and I’m not sure I can do this new style relationship after being married for 14 years. Its as though he wants the comfort of my friendship and approval of his new life and the OW and then his little world is perfect. Unfortunately I just can’t get over the rejection and disloyalty he has forced upon me.

For some reason your wife is still behaving as though she’s very hurt and angry about you and your relationship and your right in that it would be helpful to understand exactly why she feels this way towards you. I feel that way towards my H but that’s because of his affair etc. Perhaps when there is a parting of the ways there will always be one partner who wants a friendship and another partner who just can’t do the “friendship” thing.

Your wife may talk to you eventually – she may just need some to understand her own feelings before she can express them to you. I don’t know about you but I’m beginning to feel so tired with all of this and I wish I could forward time on one year so that I can be happy again.

Any way its still only 2 months and a lot may change over the next couple of months so don’t lose hope yet Alan.

Hope

[Alan]

Thanks Hope.

I texted her this morning to see if she would talk later this week.

She replied "It's OK to call but I haven't decided what to do yet."

I texted back saying that I won't phone her, thanked her for looking after son yesterday and said whenever she's ready to talk I'll be here.

I don't think I can do anything more. But I do need to plan for Christmas. Perhaps another week will help.

As for your H's friendship angle, I too would struggle with this. I'm not at all sure I could be friends with my wife should she decide to divorce. Civil yes, definitely. And yet I can't stop loving her. I can't hate her either, which my friends find strange.

As you have stated before, the love 'tap' can't just be turned off, despite the hurt involved.

To be honest, I thought I was coping better, but as we hurtle towards Xmas, the pain increases.

Why my life partner has changed into an alien I can't fathom.

[Alan]

Well it looks like things have taken a real turn for the worse this morning.

Received the following e-mail from my wife in response to my text asking her if we could talk.

"At this stage in my life being a family with you and ******** is not an option.

"I no longer have any feelings for you and doubt I ever will. It is not about punishment, in fact it's not all about you, it's about me and my feelings.

"I'm not sure if I will ever be returning to the "family", but that will be my choice, not yours, and when/if it happens you need to be a responsible parent.

"In the New Year, if you're prepared to wait that long, a decision will have to be made so that we can all get on with things."

Looks like that's that then. Over and out.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Alan

Although I am happy to listen, I'm not at all sure that it is in your interests to put some of this material on the net. I completely understand why you have done it, and I expect that is exactly what I would want to do, but I still think it is only fair to warn you that private communications may be better kept private because one can never tell how they will be used in future.

Please take care; I really only wish you the best but beg you to take proper legal advice if you have not already done so. And - I'm even sorrier to say this - keep a copy of the email in case it is needed.

You are in business; you know the score - all communications may one day be scrutinized by someone else, so don't write anything you wouldn't want your mother to read.

Actually, I don't think this is over and done, but that is just my opinion. It takes a lot of energy to stay angry for ever - although if a person has a good enough reason it can be done. But if the reason is not good enough, reality gradually
reasserts itself through the blizzard of emotions.

Maybe it will be easier to see clearly in the new year.

[Alan]

Concerned Reader

Thanks for your wise words.

Both my W and myself have not taken any legal advice. Well, let me put that another way. I haven't and she tells me the same. I've got to trust her.

[Hope]

Alan,



The email doesn’t sound very positive admittedly. May I ask what you’re supposed to have done that’s made your wife feel as though there is no hope in salvaging your marriage? You don’t have to share this piece of information but your wife is coming over as very cold and harsh towards you which seems very unjustified if you haven’t done anything in particular wrong.



My H stopped communicating and he felt we grew apart but in your case there doesn’t seem to be any real and valid reasons for your wife’s behaviour other than she has fallen out of love with you and that you are not the same man she married. I suppose we can’t understand the “fallen out of love thing” because we still have feelings for our spouses but I guess if they have fallen out of love there is nothing left however much we may want things to return to normal.

[Alan]

Hope

You pose a very good question. One in fact I've been trying to answer since my wife left.

The background is simple. We met when both quite young. She was 18 and I 23. After teo years of seeing each other, we bought a flat together.

We started a family and in the summer of 95 got married just before our son was born.

Thereafter we led a normal life,with the usual ups and downs that go with it.

Like any couple, we shared good times, bad times, death, health issues, money worries and so on.

The age gap between us seems to be an issue now and in the last year she started wanting to go out with new friends she made at work. These nights out were mostly at the weekend and while I didn't neccesarily agree with the timing and frequency, my mouth stayed firmly shut.

She then started an emotional affair with a friend of both of us - see Textual Affair thread in the Coffee Shop - which I discovered. We were working thru' this when she dropped her bomb and left.

The discussions then have centered on her lack of feelings for me, which at first I thought were just anger, but I have to admit defeat and realise that she does not indeed have anything left for me. Jeez, Do you know how hard that was to type?

I can't understand it all. People sometimes to drift apart which leads to separation and divorce, but I can honestly say that communication between us was always open and until her 'affair', honest too.

I've had heaps of guilt poured on to me with the sort of phrases you've seen today with the killer line about me ruining her life for 5 years.

I've beat myself upin the last 8 weeks trying to figure out what went wrong. And I can't. Simply can't.

The fact that she will not be home for Christmas tells me that she won't be home at all. Her mind is made up but I don't think she can tell me yet, and that is the real torture.

I confess today that I've given up. I can't do anything to make what I want happen and I will need to face reality that the last 14 years will soon be a memory to be compartmentalised.

I really don't know the person who is my wife.

[Hope]

Alan

My H and I also met very young, we were both 17 and still at school. We dated for 7 years then finally drifted into married for 14 years. Perhaps it was all too routine. There never was a romantic marriage proposal. We then progressed onto having a family, two lovely boys. We also had our financial struggles but I thought that we’d finally found financial stability and a future worth building on. Unfortunately my H became inwardly unhappy with himself, me and life in general and his way of dealing with his feelings was to seek comfort elsewhere from the OW.

Perhaps settling down into a marriage at a very young age is part of the problem? Perhaps we need a certain number of years to grow, mature and discover what we really want out of life who knows?

Even though your wife’s textual affair isn’t as bad as a full blown love affair it still displayed signs of her unhappiness just as my husbands affair. My problem is that even now I can’t understand why my H was so unhappy. He had a fabulous home which I decorated single handed, two fabulous boys, a dedicated house wife (me) who did everything for him and intimacy was never in short supply.

You mention that the age gap became a problem between yourself and your wife but I cant understand why because you only appear to be 5 years older? I would have thought that was quite a common age gap. I do agree with you about the “nights” out at the weekend though because weekends are for sharing with your partner and family - I can understand you feeling a bit fed up about that.

I suppose at the end of the day if one person in the relationship has given up we don’t stand a chance in changing their minds and that seems to be a common dilemma for most of us who post here. I think the main problem with my recovery is that I’m spending far too much time focusing on my loss and I need to occupy my thoughts more with my future but that’s easier said than done when you’re feeling upset and cheated……. oh well keep soldiering on.

Hope

[Alan]

Hope

I think the bit where you mention settling down at an early age has indeed become the problem with my wife.

Recently she made some changes to the way she dressed - new clothes, sexier too, and she looked (s) fantastic - and had an attitude shift to a few issues and has become aware of what she's 'been missing'.

As I said in my last post I have indeed now given up on having her home.

Although she hasn't told me specifically, I can forsee what is to happen. New Year new start.

I'm not entirely sure though that she's thought everything thru' in terms of the process and the damage it will cause for everyone else. It's not as simple as switching off a light switch.

Her unhappiness will mean misery for everyone involved and real financial implications.

As most who post here will know, the upheaval involved will take a long time, sometimes running into years, and I'm not sure that she's thought about this.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Hope and Alan

For a larger perspective it is worth remembering that at no time in human history, up till now, has it been regarded as an odd thing to marry and start a family at around twenty years of age.

The fear was not of 'missing out' but of 'being on the shelf' and dieing before you managed to see your grandchildren.

A quick browse of the National Statistics website shows a remarkable trend of increasing lifespan and that the age at which women have their first child. That average age is now 27.1 years (or was four years ago) and from personal observation, that is almost regarded as hasty.

Barely 40 years ago to be having a first baby at 28 years old earned you the title 'elderly prima gravida' and extra examinations.

If you factor in the expectation of living until you are over eighty, and remaining fertile (for women) well in to their forties, then it makes sense to try to have an extended period of 'kidulthood'. (I don't like this argument, I'm just pointing out the social trends, OK?). Where once wild oats might have been sown for a season or two, this can go on for up to fifteen years before biological alarm clocks start ringing.

What is more peculiar is that some men seem to be using the same logic, although they don't expect to live quite as long and there is argued to be a dramatic drop in their fertility.

I interpret this as the 'immortality perspective'; that it doesn't much matter what you do so long as it makes you happy, because, hey, there is always another tomorrow. Far from 'living for today' this is actually living for no time because you don't expect there to really be any consequences of your actions. Well, nothing which time won't clear up for you.

It is very noticable, to my mind, that when faced with imminent death - say, up a tower which a plane has flown in to - the immortality perspective breaks down. There is very little trouble working out what is worth saying in the last four minutes of life.

Certain people are able to work this out without the prompting of the grim reaper.