Worried - not sure what to do

[Sierra]

I am greatly worried about my wife and our marriage. I thought she was the one of my dreams. Now I wonder if I was wrong or if she is just sick and needs help.

We have been married 3.5 years. Its been pretty good. I thought perfect. I was so proud and in love. The last six months or so it seems like she has been battling bouts of anger and rage. The first was six months ago and lasted 3 days or so. The last is still tapering off after 3 days.

The tinyest thing will seem to set her off and the anger and insults flow. The first time she said everything she could - you name it - to hurt me. Even told me the love was gone and it she tried really hard in 40 years we might be friends again. A few days later I was back to being the love of her life. I asked her and its "well, thats how I felt then, not now". That as close to an apology as she will come.

Thats hard to understand. I have never acidly hated her from noon till dinner and then loved her again and felt that both sets of feelings reflecting how I felt.

The most recent episode is similar. More insults. She said that if I hadn't noticed we hadn't been friends since the last time. On and on. Every insult in the book. **** you and what not.

By today its back to I love you. She has a sweet tone in her voice. God knows whats really going on in her head.

Its almost like an electrical storm comes across her brain. I don't know what to do.

She takes a lot of medication (some of which is psychoactive) to try to control migraines. She also self medicates with cigars, ciggarettes and marijuana and lots of them. She's also 42.

Is this a phase? Depression? Drug interations? Early onset menopause? Some combination of it all?

Help!!! I don't know what to do.

I am strong willed and think that if she really felt that way I should divorce her. Yet I remember the woman I fell in love with and feel like she's in there somewhere if I can cut through all of this. I want her back. I am at a loss to battle this.

I want to be married to the love of my life. I thought it was her.

She had two daughters who'se father is deceased who I have been dad to. I would hate to leave as I know it would probably warp the girls for a lifetime. Yet I want to be in love with the love of my life. Even if this is not her.

What should I do? I waited a long time for this girl. I thought she was the one. Did I make a mistake?

Can you give me some advice?

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Sierra

The girl is still in there somewhere, but from what you describe she is very much on the other side of a wall of addictive substances.

Where money - or health insurance - permits, the usual approach is to get the person in to a clinic for a protracted detox and re-evaluation, so that they can tackle the underlying behaviours which give them a tendency to addiction.

Unfortunately, over the years the success of 'talking cures' has been mixed and it may not be until we unravel more about genetics and neurobiology that we can explain - and treat- why some people go in for mind-altering substances and some don't. You can't wait that long.

The word which jumps out of you posting is 'marijuana', and those of us who have been unlucky enough to observe it shredding the mind of loved ones will recognize only to well the changes of personality you describe. As late as 1998, Leslie Iversen was acting as Scientific Advisor to the House of Lords and giving the impression that cannabis was not so bad, really. This has been bitterly contradicted by people such as Dr Susan Greenfield who point to their research and the personal testimony of people who have to work with those on cannabis (police, nurses, doctors, teachers, parents, spouses) that the stuff is evil.

The issue opens delicate debates on the limits of personal freedom. After all, she has two children - how are they being affected by these behaviours? It won't be just you who is experiencing the swings of personality.

My personal choice would be to do something which violates the idea of personal freedom and I would shimmy past the moral issues by saying the cannabis user is not making free or rational decisions. I would go to the family doctor and discuss this in confidence. The doctor cannot comment, but they can take note.

It may be possible for the doctor to secure a place in detox by opening the subject of the migraine medication. You may be able to wrangle a place by arguing that the interests of the children are served by a sober mother, not one who arguably might not be capable of giving them the care and attention they deserve.

In the end I don't think you can do this one as an amateur. There is not that much point in, say, conventional marriage counselling because only one of you is a competent adult. When she is sober, that is the time for counselling.

And, if I knew the cannabis dealer, I might pop a little call in to the police at Crime Stoppers as that is anonymous. Dealing is still illegal - rightly so in my opinion.

If you can bear to, it would be the responsible thing to stay around for the girls until they reach the age of majority, but that would be up to you. If you want to describe yourself as 'Dad' you ought to take that seriously or chose another description.

A very difficult and unfair thing has happened to you and I wish you well.