What do I do?

[CarlyG]

I have been reading various messages on this site, and it seems that my husband dropped the proverbial bombshell on me two years ago ( one month after he was 40- which I feel was significant.) He apparantly had some kind of revelation one day that he had lost "it", didn't know if he could get it back and didn't even know if he wanted to, after 17 years of marriage- we have two children. It was a complete shock, I was devastated, and sank into depression in the weeks that followed eventually needing antidepressants and losing a stone in weight. It took about 6 -8 weeks for him to even decide if he wanted to try at our marriage. he wouldn't tell me what was going on . In order to make any sense of it all, I had to keep asking questions which he only answered in a very pedantic way, according to how the question was asked. I had to piece it all together bit by bit - he offered me no extra details at all, and the reason for his dissatisfaction kept changing until eventually, it was everything about me/us. He was very cold, angry and distant with me- the more upset I was, the worse he was. He said some awful things to me like: he always knew I would leave him and our children. He asked me very coldly one day if I would have a marriage with him, that looked like a real marriage, with sex etc. but leaving me unfulfilled because I was not the love of his life. He is adamant no one else was involved to this day. Without physically leaving our home, he left me emotionally. I felt bereaved. He has since spent the last two years saying he is trying to mend our marriage, but things have got worse and worse- if he thought it was bad then, then he must be in hell now. I said that I would change if he would. He agreed to call me by name which I am not exaggerating by saying he had never addressed me by name during our relationship. This had been a cause of great upset to me and over the years each time I asked him to say my name he promised he would, but never did. I bore this by believing he treated everyone the same, until one day since his "crisis" he admitted that he called most people by name but hid it from me so I wouldn't be upset. I was gutted, I felt betrayed. He has spent the last two years trying to say my name, at most managing once a day for 2 or 3 days and then going days/weeks on end without, until I burst and say something. He says it has nothing intrinsically to do with me, but he can't explain why. This week's revelations I feel do explain why. He now says that it wasn't a case of loving me deeply and losing this, but rather he has never loved me with the whole of his heart at any oint of our realtionship. This is not a problem to him, because he thinks he loved me "enough", and that plenty of people manage without. I asked him if he would go for marriage counselling, but he said there was no point because I had such emotional problems that marriage counselling was pointless until I got counselled first. Since this, I feel like I have gone numb towards him, I don't feel upset, i can't cry any more, I just feel nothing- it's like a self-protect mechanism has switched on and it was instantly following his latest harsh remarks. Am I mad for staying. I will not leave my children. They do not want to leave this house. He will not leave either. I don't know what to do.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Carly

In the end you are the only one who can decide what to do; each person looks at the experiences of others and decides what is best in their own situation.

However, looking across this board, your story is, sadly, far from unique. What is most peculiar is that the same words are used in many cases. 'I do not love you' or 'I have suddenly realized I never loved you' is put forward as an explanation and an excuse for unreasonable behaviour.

It is a shock to realize you are not alone - also a comfort.

Acutally, taking counselling from a source you trust is not a bad idea if it helps you sort out what you are and are not willing to tolerate. The latitudes vary greatly. Also, it may help you to sort out which things were always somewhat unusual (like the refusal to use your name) and those which have presented suddenly.

One personal comment I would like to make is that you should be wary about
techniques which verge on intimidation and discuss them with a professional, possibly your doctor. If your H feels that he should never have married, that is a problem for him, or possibly both of you. It cannot be laid soley at your door.

He is not entitled to use you as a baby-factory and then attempt to scare you off the family with disrespectful behaviour, nor to state that the emotional problems are wholly yours. You have said you will not leave your children - and that is exactly right. Under no circumstances should you be pressured in to that as it is very damaging for them and damaging for you.

Spend some time reading the website and the postings - and only then make any decisions. My very best wishes attend you.

[Velvetrope]

Please keep in mind reader that you are only hearing one side of the story.... and believe you me, there are always two sides. Until you hear what her husband has to say, be very careful in making judgements about him just on her word alone. Just remember he isn't here to defend himself against your comments.

[smackie9]

Dear CarlyG, Sometimes moving on and starting a new life is the best thing to do. Why beat yourself up over how bad things are or how crappy he treats you. Get a lawyer to see about getting him out of the house and start working on the separation. You may not get everything you want and it's never easy to sort out who gets what. But after it's all over you can take a sigh of relief and start enjoying your life as a happy person.:)

[Kate]

Sorry Smackie but why do you assume that a divorce is going to be the answer to this? I wonder If CarlyG would rather come to udnerstand what is really bothering her husband and find a way to re build her marriage. I've seen people bogged down with very deep hurts and misunderstandings who have managed to work things out, but others who have divorced an never found peace of mind.

Kate

[smackie9]

Have you not read her posting? She has stayed and tried to work it out. Even tried to get couselling. He isn't willing to help this marriage. It seems to me he rather blame her for what's happening and doesn't care how she feels. It is a sad and sorry situation. She is at the end of her rope and you can see she is in a despate state. She feels her children are suffering as well. Hasn't she suffered enough? Dosn't she deserve to feel good about herself and enjoy life again? Divorce isn't always the answer, for sure. But this maybe a way for this woman's husband to WAKE UP! She's had enough!

[Rosieq]

I agree with Smackie. Yes divorce should be viewed as the final option but I think two years is an long time to try and work things out. Especially when there are children involved. It must be awful for them living in this kind of atmosphere and having parents who are so desperately unhappy.

I think some sort of action is needed as they seem to be in a stalemate.

Have you though of a trial separation? Could you appeal to him to try that for the sake of the children at least?

[smackie9]

Thanks Rosieq, It can be lonely in this chat room at times.:p