How can I tell if my wife is having an affair?

[bertie thomas]

This sounds so stupid, but I think that my wife is having an affair.

We have been married for about 18 months now and at the start it was fantastic, she was so tacile, always holding my hand, she was lovely, but
over the last few months things havent been going well at all.

The have been silly stupid arguments, sex has been about once a month if that. I mean Im no Casanova but I try. There is something wrong and I really dont know what it is. She is fault finding with me rather a lot..

Recently she spent two nights away from home, she told me she was visiting a relative, but when she came back she was "different". She found fault in everything I did, she was like that before, but now I can do nothing right.

Is there anything that I should look out for, any sure fire way to know that she is having an affair?

Thanks

Bertie thomas

[Concerned reader]

Dear Bertie

It doesn't sound stupid, it is a natural thing to worry about.

However, if you focus on the 'is she or isn't she?' question it will tend to shut down the possiblility of discussing what is going wrong between you.

It is reasonable to calmly point out that you have only been married a short while and yet she seems to be increasingy unhappy and, because you love her and stand by your choice, you would like to think she can talk to you.

Then listen very carefully.

She may have some real causes for complaint (you don't say what she finds fault with) or she may not. Only you and she can sort out what is, and is not, a real problem.

Although some women do refuse to tell you what is wrong, it goes against the grain; women are built to communicate and for most of known history men have complained that it is impossible to stop them.

If you find it difficult to keep the exchange polite and constructive, offer to use a counsellor who can act as an umpire, just to make sure that neither of you can feel they have been denied a turn at speaking.

Before you raise the subject, check your local phone book and make a contact with any counselling organization, such as Relate. Then, when you feel confident, offer your wife the phone number and be on hand to agree an appointment. This is to show that you are serious about wanting to communicate - you are not simply looking for an argument.

Be prepared for a rocky ride initially and remember that many, many successful marriages have turbulent periods.

I wish you all the very best.

[Liz]

Dear Bertie,

Many of us get married full of romantic notions, but as time goes on we begin to face up to the faults and weaknesses in each other. This can come as a shock and we can wonder if we've made a mistake. In fact there is a way through. Why not check out the area of the site called coping with disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/).

Liz

[Bertie thomas]

This may be so Liz, but I actually do think that she is having an affair.

I can dress this up with the fact that it could be her being disillusioned, we have only been married for 18 months. I certainly hope that it could be the case. That can be hopefully rectified. But I can do all the rectifying, but to no avail if my wife isnt acknowledging that there is sometihnig wrong. I can do all the canging, but doesnt it take two to tango?

I did read on this website about "clues that your partner is having an affair", ok I know it isnt deffinate proof, but I can Identify with the clues that were given.

Perhaps it could be my own paranoia, I hope it is. There are two sides to a coin, and Im the sort of person that looks at BOTH sides. What if she is having an affair

Is there any other signs that I can look out for?

Bertie

[Liz]

Dear Bertie Thomas

Wondering whether an affair is going on must be terribly painful for you and i didn't mean to suggest you were over the top. I decide to start with some ideas about reaching out to your wife to see whether you could begin to strengthen the relationship. If people consider an affair it is often because their marriage isn't meeting their expectations or some of their needs. Your wife may not have got as far as being unfaithful, so to start by identifying and addressing the issues that may be causing your difficulties seemed wise.

One major source of disappointment in early marriage is when the other doesn't seem to be showing love like they used to. We tend to make more effort at the start of a relationship. We've found an understanding of the different ways that we express and experience love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html) has helped us.

If all this doesn't work then there may be something else wrong, but living with suspicion or voicing it before there is actual evidence can destroy trust too. perhaps it's worth asking yourself which is more of a priority - knowing if she's having an affair or fidnign a way forward together.

Liz