the love has changed - is there hope?

[Brian]

Apologies if I ramble on, never had to do this before and find it awkward pouring my heart out to complete strangers...

I have been with my partner for 12 years and while we are not married we may as well be, our relationship has had it's up's and downs we are (or at least I thought we were) very happy together.
Her career is doing great and I've always supported her fully (even though she works 60+ hours a week) This year we sorted out our finances (they were in a mess but are controllable now) and fixed up our home so it looks great. here's the problem... Our sex life has been steadily declining over the past 3 or 4 years to the point where when we did have sex there was no emotion, the quicker it was over the better seemed to be the call of the day, foreplay did not exist at all. I felt she only did it because I initiated, this always made me feel bad and I would just lie next to her frustrated for another few months. I've always put this down to her being tired and streesed from work but even when I tried to be extra romantic on her days off she would claim that she knew why I was doing it and that put her off the mood. This has been a problem for me because I still have a strong sex drive. Last week she told me that she is no longer physically attracted to me but still loves me and wants to be with me... from what I can get out of her she basically wants to change our relationship so that we are 'just good friends', like sleep in seperate rooms but share all the other parts of our life. She says she has not been interested in looking for anyone else. I love her more than ever and she knows this, I'm so confused and mixed up, all I want is a 'normal' loving relationship and doesn't that include lovemaking once in a while? I really can't imagine life without her. If it wasn't for this damned sex issue our lives would be great, I'm going between hurt and anger, whenever I try to talk to her about it I end up saying something mean and instantly regret it or bursting into floods of tears. I suggested councelling last night but she instantly said 'no, it's a waste of time'. This morning she said I could book a councellor, but i'm not sure how much conviction was in her voice, she's been very calm throughout this whole thing, while I've been an emotional trainwreck.
My boss sent me home today as I was so upset, what do I do? is there any chance we can rekindle our passion, can I live life without any sexual contact or am I better to give in and move on?

[mjdirect]

hi brian

I feel for you, I get the sense you have lost connection to your partner.
Its sounds like you both have to ask yourselves what do want from this relationship.
If she cant get intimate with you as her partner even thou you seem to be trying very hard to kindly the sparks. Its seems like she is drained and needs to be grounded with whats happening with you and her.
Is she saying you should go looking for new love because she does not want to provide an intimacy level of love that you desire.
Its time you both open your hearts and connect to each other, if this works I can guaretee your sex lives will be great because you will be connecting with her with your heart not just your sexual parts. If you find there is no flow or naturalness to your relationship with trying to connect with her, it may be a sign to move on for the benefit of both of you. Good luck with it - your partner may need to cut down the 60+ hrs working schedule - its not the way it should be..

[new]

Brian

I've already recommended this book in a reply to another message: "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/passionmar/). He blends sexual and marital therapy and from what you've said, I believe it might really help you (it hass certainly helped me). It is a big book - not always easy to read - but I found I only needed to persevere through to the end of the second chapter. After that I couldn't put it down.

It's primary goal is to help couples find deep emotional and sexual intimacy BUT he believed intimacy is only possible when we 'differentiate' ourselves from our partner. when we do this we can change the way we respond inrelationships and by doing that change the dynamic of the relationship. I could go into more detail but it's probably easier for you to check it out at a bookstore or library and decide if it's right for you.

Good luck