Depression Because of Marriage

[Starmate]

Hi folks,

It's been a long time since I have been on the forum. Hopefully someone out there will remember me.

Since my last posts I have been getting better, things with hub are great and my mind is not so focussed on negative issues. I still have bad days when I just want to curl up and die but I feel ok for most of the time.

For the last 3 months I have been seeing a Psychologist who is helping me to understand depression and deal with the situations which brought me down this road. I have managed to narrow my depressive state down to 2 causes, one of which is my husband/marriage. Months ago I tried everything to speak to my hub about his internet affair, wrote him a letter and explained how it had affected me and that he was hugely responsible for my health circumstances - sounds very accusing I know but it was true and he has never acknowledged this. It took a lot for me to write that letter and needless to say it ended up in the bin after 10 mins of giving him it, he didnt even mention it until I did as usual. He's not one for opening up and speaking about problems and I think that somewhere down the line I have adopted this attitude also.

Anyway, on speaking with my Therapist we have agreed that my marriage has contributed a lot to me having depression and I have to deal with the causes now otherwise there is a chance of it recurring which I definitely dont want. The problem I have is how to approach the subject with my hub, do I really want to drag up the past and risk everything going back to the way things were? I feel stronger and more capable of dealing with this situation but I know that hub will run a mile and accuse me of starting an arguement. It's like catch 22 but I know I have to do this for my own sake. We have talked about his affair a few times but I never walked away feeling that things were resolved and I dont want to regret sticking around if he is going to do that to me again. Even if hub agrees to talk about it, I dont know what to say - how do I deal with it? I feel that I/we are able to move on from this, we have been getting on great recently and it's typical for me not to want to say anything for fear of rocking the boat, thats another reason why our communication has been so poor.

I desperately want to move on from this and know we can but if I dont deal with this now then things could go back to the way they were and I couldnt cope with that. I never want to go through this again, the whole affair situation ruined my life and I cant believe I am still here to tell the tale. Hub would definitely not go for counselling, theres no point in even going down that route. Though I do feel that I can deal with this on my own it's just how to approach that is the problem. I can not be responsible for his actions when I do get the chance to talk to him, if he wont talk to me then I cant move on. It's down to him to make the effort, it's just a matter or how and when.

Any advice is appreciated.
Love Star
xxx

[Concerned reader]

Dear Starmate

It is good to read you are feeling better. As your therapist knows you, would it be possible to do some role play with them to help you open difficult discussions?

Looking back through your postings, I am slightly concerned at the medicalization of some of these problems. Your doctor is, of course, qualified to say if you are depressed but many psychologists lack the formal medical background to make that diagnosis.

Only my personal observation, of course, but too many therapists and psycholgists are prone to using the 'depressed' label when it would be better to use ordinary language. You may well be depressed, if that is what your doctor says, but what you have also been is unhappy for a variety of reasons, some fair reasons, some unfair.

My personal wariness about the 'depressed' label is that as feminists of the 1970s complained, it is one of a range of definitions used to marginalize womens' complaints. So, for example, she's not unhappy she's depressed/neurotic/hormonal/broody/....

The point being, that if the person is defined as ill, then their comments about the world can be subtly downgraded and ignored. Sometimes this is the right thing to do; there are some very ill people who really do believe that the intelligence services are bugging their central heating systems. The test here is not what is in the person's mind, but what is in the world.

In summary, (if I've got it right from the postings) your world is:

Mother of child approaching secondary-school age i.e. still a little one, but within the decade will be a fully-grown adult.

Not currently in work, some physical health issues which may affect whether any more children are possible.

Anxiety about marriage due to communication problems and effect of questionable behaviour by partner.

Now, if we were still living in 1950 (sometimes I wish I was) we would just tell him your H was in the wrong. It is worth noting that in 1950 there would have been no question of belittling you because you put staying at home and looking after your family in first place.

The 1950s model of marriage was splendid. I completely agree with the ideal of putting each other at the heart of one's life, I even think that a decent family is a better safeguard of your human rights than a whole bus load of lawyers. But that model also relied on a society-wide approval of exlusive, monogomous marriage with sniffy penalties for breaking the rules. For example, women who had affairs (such as the late Frances Shand-Kydd, Princesss Diana's mother) could lose custody of their children unless they could prove some dreadful things against their partners.

But we live here and now. One of the things which has happened is that women as a group have found it a better strategy to get their sense of self-worth, their identities as individuals, from several sources. Women always live with the idea that their children grow and so they will later need a way of defining themselves apart from 'mum'. Indeed, not every woman will automatically want, or be able, to become a mother.

Right now, it appears to me that you may be a little light on sources of identity outside your marriage and so your husband's behaviour looms larger than it has a right to. Of course it matters but is your perception of urgency doing you any favours? Might it be better to shelve the issue for a while until you re-establish yourself in terms of studying a subject, finding voluntary or paid work, developing a network of friends?

You and your therapist have decided to examine the issue of the affair now, which is all very well if you are in a strong position to do so but if you are feeling a little shaky, then go back and and explain, as you have in your posting, why you are reluctant to doit. Yes, there is a problem as evidenced by him putting a letter in the bin. Eventually it will have to be sorted, but you can choose a time for that and you can choose later.

Also, discuss with your therapist the phrase:

"if he wont talk to me then I cant move on".

It would be ideal to talk this thing through, but if you cannot (because he refuses) you will need to look at the attitude of paralysis and see if you can shift it in some way.

I wish you well with what ever you decide.

[Lid]

Hello,

Wow! sounds familiar. Even though my husband has not cheated on me (or at least that is what I think). My aplausse and respect to you, because you are being a strong woman. I know exactly how hard it is to have a man talk about the problem, when he only wants to talk about himself and how you stress him. At the end of the conversation you feel like there was nothing fixed or resolved. God I know how that feels. I wish you the best. You are very smart woman, you have seeked help and keep it up. Don't give up please. Show other women like us that we can do it.
Lid

[Starmate]

Hi,

Thanks for your replies and support, it makes a huge difference to me to know that someone somewhere sees that I am being strong. Though most days I dont feel it. Anyway still mulling over a talk with hub, dunno what to say, dunno how to approach and what needs to be finally said to help us to move on? I do want to say to him that if he ever does anything like this again, I leave, no questions asked because I couldn't cope with this again. And he's very good at making this whole situation sound very trivial and it's not, not to me. Hub also has very different ideas of why I have depression, he thinks that I was going to get it anyway - which again, I dont think is true - thats his way of dismissing responsibility for his actions.

So I think its a case of me working out what I think needs to be said and going from there. Putting it behind me is now the easy part for once, it's the dealing with it thats the problem.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Star