he left me for his mother

[Visitor]

I have been married for 8 1/2 years and have two children and one on the way. I thought I was in a good Christian marriage, though my husband did suffer from occassional bouts of depression for which he always sought treatment. The depression, I always believed, was because of his family. His family did not approve of our marriage, tried everything in their power to stop us from getting married, and have treated us just horribly over the years, even wanting nothing to do with their grandchildren.

Surprise - two months ago, I was on the Internet and checked the history log to see if it would tell me what my husband was looking at on e-bay the previous night so I might get an idea for a birthday gift. I was shocked to see that he had been looking up female wrestlers and and weight lifters. Hardly porn, but I confronted him about it as he had never (I thought) done anything remotely like this before.

In the weeks that followed, the whole story came out. Not only does he fantasize about these women, but the fantasies don't involve normal sexual acts, but actually graphically killing them with his bare hands because this is what he finds sexually arousing. He says he sees women as a threat not something to be loved. He has admitted to fantacizing about killing these women and his sister (!) while masturbating. I also found some horrible drawings he has done of me killing and being killed, so though he swears I am not a part of this fantasy world, I don't believe him.

Concerned about the safety of my children, I asked him to leave and he ended up spending 6 weeks in a psychiatric ward, because these fantasies have become a 24-hour/day obsession. He was diagnosed with 4 separate psychiatric disorders and is on 4 different medications. I was handling all of this rather well, considering, but when he got out of the hospital, he moved in with his parents - the ones who have caused me so much pain for the past decade, and have no interest at all in my children. It makes me sound like the crazy one, but I am almost more upset about him moving in with them than all the rest. Now, not only do I have the pain of my husband's betrayal, and the complication of his mental illness, but it is like he has validated the way his parents have treated me. Now I am reliving all the hurts of the past decade.

If anyone has any insight into my messed up situation I'd love to hear it. I have never hurt so bad.

[Concerned reader]

Dear Visitor

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It certainly puts my trivial concerns in to perspective. I'm sorry, I have no insight which I would presume to offer one who has managed this terrible situation so much more gracefully than I ever could.

From what you have written, it may be that at the moment this arrangement may be the most viable one until your husband's doctors can assess him in his parent's home.

I'm only guessing, but if the health professionals have the slightest doubt about the safety of your children it may be that they are more comfortable with your H living away for a while. Would it be possible, without putting the doctors in an awkward position of compromising confidentiality, to ask if they have recommended this?

It is just possible that your husband may have had less of a choice about where he was discharged to than it first appears.

Despite how it feels - and it must feel terrible - this is in no way a reflection on you. Your husband is ill and has chosen (or been encouraged to choose) to take refuge with some people who have slighted you and - most stupidly - deprived themselves of the blessing of grandchildren. It doesn't seem like a good choice, but there may be other explanations of it.

You could, if you have not already done it, make it clear via your doctor that you
regard the parents as implacably hostile to you and for no very good reason. It doesn't make a lot of difference, but it may be useful for a health worker to know your side of it.

You mentioned that you had a Christian marriage; if that included attending a church, this is definitely the time to rely on that perspective of a wider family. It is coming up for Christmas and the children will be diverted by that. If there is one time a in the Christian calendar when people focus on what it means to be pregnant and vulnerable, then this is it. Why not give them a chance to help you?

They can't do anything about the extreme foolishness of your in-laws. I get annoyed when I think of all friends I have who sigh for the grandchildren they know they will never have. You wouldn't catch them throwing away a chance like that, I can gell you.

But the Church may be able to help validate you in your own eyes as a courageous, loving mother and even more loving wife, who has calmly dealt with a situation which would make lesser beings (like me) run shrieking.

You might also want to consider that in dealing so well with everything and not giving in to despair, your spirit focusses on the last event and gives it a greater significance than it warrants. You can't blame him for being ill, you haven't rejected him for the form this illness has taken, but this last step, that step you feel able to blame him for. Finally you have a 'proper' place to put all the anger, shock and disappointment.

In my book, you are entitled to be angry about so many things that if this works for you, then do it. Ultimately, though, I think this is will be better healed by time and contact with people outside your immediate family as this gradually dilutes the hurt.

Also, many people have found direct appeal to God helps and have found great comfort either in joining a prayer group or asking to be prayed for.

I pray that things will get better for you and your family.

[Visitor]

Dear Concerned Reader:

I can't thank you enough for your kind words. The kindness of a complete stranger has done my heart good. Thankyou for seeing strength and grace in me when I feel so weak.

After I read your reply, I took a deep breath and called my husband. You were right, his social worker was the one that suggested he go there. He hasn't told them about his sexual sin. He says that he is truly happy there and that he sees this oppportunity to "fix things" with his family as a true Gift of God. Our marriage and our children are not a priority for him right now. They are welcoming him with open arms and the love they have withheld from him all these years. He, in his weakened mental state, sees this as being an indication that they have all collectively changed their ways. What it really is is them doing what they always said they would, welcoming him back into their family because he is no longer with me.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray that my husband will come to see the truth. I know in my heart that he can never be healed while he is with these people who live in a world of lies and hatred. Even if there is no chance for our marriage, I still really love this man, and want for him to get well.