Where do I go from here?

[Emz]

This is a bit of a long story so please bear with me.
I have been with my Hubby for just over 18 years and it has been empty the whole time.
When we first started living together I had already realised that he came from a pretty unloving home and I had come from the complete opposite, but we got on good and I loved him and we had plans and promises made so I didn't think anything bad would ever happen( who would).
I tried really hard but no matter what I did it was never good enough for him, he became so possessive that I gave up all my Friends as I couldn't take the fights he caused about them coming over or me going out, he purposely wouldn't take a key when he was going out to work so that I would have to wait in for him ( he worked splits) and if I ever went anywhere, even shopping I had to wait till he was home so he could come with me. I hated it but I had 2 Kids with him and for some reason I still loved him so I went along with it. Then after a few years of never being able to keep a job he gave up work with a disability ( no Doctor can find anything wrong with him and he has no physical limitations) That's when he changed again, this time he started to ignore me and act like he didn't care what I did and that's when I got so fed up I started to question his actions. And that's the way it has been for the last ten years or more.
Anytime I try to talk to him about problems he moans or tuts and walks away. We had serious problems with sex ( his part) and he handled this by ignoring me and using porn, txting women he met on-line and sex contacts ( he said he never contacted any of them). He has been for 10 sessions with a counsellor who did cognative therapy with him as she said he had low self esteem but that hasn't helped and he had 10 sessions to try to help him to show his love and to be open and affectionate but that hasn't worked either. He said he was going to set up couples sessions for us but hasn't and now I fell like this is the end, I have nothing left,.......... no energy, no motivation and no love.
There is a lot more to the story but I would be here all day so I just touched upon a few things. Is anyone else in a situation like this cause at the moment I feel like I'm standing out here alone.
Thanx folks
Emz

[mjdirect]

Hi Emz

Sorry to hear about your marriage experience so far.
Your Husband needs to have a real good look at himself
his action
and his expectations,
He sounds like a very demanding man and this is draining you no doubt, there is
only so much you should put up with. It sounds like you have tried to love this man for many years but he is not returning the love and commitment in return.
You got to decide whats best for yourself in the end.
You can keep supporting your husband longer but will it improve?
If your heart tells you to move on than do that.
Best Wishes
Mark

[T Girl]

Emz you are not alone hang in there theres still alot of hope x

[Emz]

I always thought that there would be hope, especially when he kept promising to change and that he would prove he could commit, but it never happened. His famous saying has always been " well things are about to change and it will all be better" he just never "gets round to it"
I know a lot of people have bad memories but he can never remember to do anything, maybe I'm expecting too much when I say that I feel that if it was important to him then he would remember to do the things he promised.
He told me ( for the umpteenth time) you mean so much to me and I'm going to show you just how much, then it's like he never said it bacause everything stays the same .
He is extrememly lazy and if he says he will do something for me and doesn't, he cracks up if I ask him why he didn't do it, then says if your so bothered you should have done it yourself. I know that when I got married I had my " fairytale dream" of what it would be like and I know it never turns out like that in real-life, but I feel as though I have completely wasted my life being with him.
Has anyone else ever felt like that? and if so whats the best way to deal with that?

[Concerned reader]

Dear Emz

You must be very tired by now of this debilitating way of living. You are right, it does not have to be like that, but are there ways to shift the situation?

You don't mention the age of the children, so I'm guessing that they are approaching 'grown up' so that now you are thinking about what your life will be after they are doing their own things.

What strikes me from your account, is that most of the 'work' has been done on your H to try to persuade him to be a better fit in to family life. It has not worked, or at least not in a way which satisfies you both.

If we are ten years down the line with this behaviour, it is deeply ingrained and you would have to talk to a behavioural therapist and ask them exactly what the chances are of changing. While you are there, it is worth mentioning that you also have developed a way of coping over ten years, and if any of these can be altered.

Since your husband's way of living does not seem to make him particularly happy it is worth another bash at sorting out the marriage. You want to be happier, he could be happier. Eighteen years and two children is quite an achievement in itself and not to be denigrated.

So my immediate pointer for where to go is: "work on yourself" as working on him has not had much effect.

This will be very difficult as some of the things you describe have been set up over years to subtly undermine your attempts to grow as a person. The silly buisness with the door key, for example. Certainly he was being peculiar in refusing to carry a key, but then I thought, 'why did she wait in?' and 'why didn't she just go out and tell him it was his choice to wait on the step?' and 'why didn't she tell him a spare key was with a neighbour or under a rock, and if he didn't like it, he could carry a key like eveyone else?'

If you can answer the question as to how you got gradually edged, bit by bit, in to complying with unreasonable and controlling behaviour then you may be able to find assertive ways of responding which do not 'start fights' but change the texture of the marriage. This is hard work but you should check your local colleges and community education units (lists are in the library) for assertiveness training. These are usually reasonably priced (the cheapest are about £20 a term) and concessions are often available.

You asked if you are alone? Well, a single session at an assertiveness class and you practically go deaf with people saying 'hey, me too!". But your case is very hard and you might want to ask at the doctor's surgery if they can give you access to in-depth counselling services.

Regarding your husband, I will keep my opinion to myself (hurrumph). My concern is with you and suggestions for how you can live more the way you want to.

As you have been married for so long, a little longer trying to change the picture by assertiveness training and perhaps taking some qualifications is not a great gamble. It maybe that you can't push your H to change, but by doing something for yourself, you become like a little tug which pulls a great liner behind it. When you feel stronger you can book couples counselling.

A political point: central government is aware that the levels of invalidity and disability benefit have mushroomed as new definitions have been added. Some commentators have claimed the low rate of unemployement has been achieved only by re-defining the idle as sick or disabled. It is very likely that your H is shortly going to have his file reviewed.

[mjdirect]

emz

Its really up to your husband to live up to what he tells himeself about changing.
And if does great and this would be good time to really open up to him about your feelings towards him and check in where he is at with you.
Most important for you is to not expect him to provide your happiness that firstly must come from within you and same goes with him. Lots of Love
MJ

[Emz]

First of all thanx for ur replies. The subject of staying in for him when he came home.... it was the only way to keep the peace! One time I was delayed in the town and when I got home he was sitting on the doorstep, I only managed to get half way up the path when he started his usual ranting and raving and believe me he is not quiet when he starts, so the neighbours were treated to quite a show that day. Leaving the key with neighbours was totally out of the question cause at the time the sort of folk who lived next door would have emptied the house in seconds.
On numerous occassions he has had his "change of heart" and wanted to be open and honest with each other, I fell for it a few times and now he has ammo to use against me everytime we fight. He knows how unhappy I have been and he is always telling me he knows he made things bad for us and he can list everything he knows he has done and the hurts he has caused me, he says he has always known it but didn't know how to stop it or how to change it. I told that he should see another counsellor and we spoke about couples counselling but he never got round to it. A few days ago we had a huge fight and he did his usual of storming off up stairs banging doors and yelling for the world to hear announcing that he was leaving home ( he always does this and usually packs a bag) I told him that if that's what he wants then fine and to be honest I really didn't care if he walked out. Then his usual is that he doesn't want to leave or to split up but that I'm making things impossible for him by " moaning" all the time. I hadn't even opened my mouth that day, he kept huffing that I was quiet and that something must be up, this went on all day till he went through my mobile while I was upstairs with my Daughter and got the totally wrong idea about a txt I had on my phone. He came upstairs and started screaming at me that I was a tart and a Whore and that I was cheating on him ( this was all done in front of my 2 kids). It turned out that the txt he was refering to was sent by my Daughter to my Friend about another friends surprise Birthday party. When we eventually managed to shut him up long enough to explain, he didn't say sorry or even feel remorse he just said it was my fault for having male friends.
I know he hates some of my friends and he is jealous of the others but I have never given him reason to be, I have always tried to include him in everything but he is never interested. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether and the only option I now see open to me is Divorce.
I have tried everything I can think of to turn this thing around but when it's always one sided with empty promises from his side then there really isn't any hope at all that I can see.

Emz.

[mjdirect]

hi emz

sounds like your husband is a very typical male.

Wants to control his partner
Fears seperation

This man seems to be very shut off from your feelings and emotions and sound like he is being rather selfish in wanting your whole relationship to be based around his truths and beliefs. The a thing called 50/50 relationships - these type of relationship are only way to work it.
I see it as your husband storms off, packs his bags, blows up etc when you get into an argument together, these are his fears of what you may do to him..
There no doubt your boy needs to get with the programme. He has to realize there is more than just him in this relationship..
Relationships are being reevalutated all over the globe at the moment.
emz you are not alone in this battle. We all must realize a term called "oneness" i suggest you do a google search and learn about this word as it will help you deal with your situation at presesent. Keep in touch on how things go. Lots of love and wishes
MJ

[Emz]

Well heres the update......... We had another tiff because he is still comparing himself to my exes to put it bluntly. He's always saying things like....... bet you didn't have these problems with so and so and bet he did this better than me. I know Hubby has a very low self esteem and no self confidence but there is only so many times I can try to reassure him before it gets on my nerves. It may sound nasty for me to say things like that but I have never compared him to any of my exes and I have never downed him and when I have to reassure him everyday (especially with the way he treats me) then it does get to you. He's constantly accusing my friends of either trying to get me into bed ( my male friends) or accusing my female friends of trying to get me to cheat on him behind his back. I very rarely go out without him and when I do he always knows where I am and so on. But he still accuses me of getting up to stuff. The latest he came away with was that I don't love him, have never loved him and never showed any love towards him. When I gave him examples of how I have shown love towards him he explained that away as a Wife's duty, everytime I said that I have loved him he just grunted and said.........like yeah. I know he had a hard life as a child and was never shown much love but I am sick of him making out that he is a victim and has been all his life, He even told me himself that he knows he could have changed himself and our lives if he hadn't been so pig headed and lazy, yet here he is AGAIN trying to shift the blame onto me.
Enough is enough and I told him I want a Divorce, now he is going about saying I have another Man "on the go" and that my affections have always lay elsewhere and he knew this and thats why he never gave me his heart because he knew I would break it!
You just can't seem to win no matter what you do.

Emz

[mjdirect]

Emz,

Your hubby is definetley in "victim syndrome" at the moment, if only he knew what a drain this type of attitude had on you and others around him. You hubby is selfish and it just may take you to divorce him so he can learn the lesson. Sad that things have to come to seperation like this, however you can only take so much. You sound like you have done alot to bond this relationship together for a while now and your hubby has been very devisive - accusing you of cheating, accusing your friends of assisting you to be unfaithful. What a load of rubbish. Goodluck Emz go with your instincts on this one you will be lead the right way. All you can do is love with an "Undefended Heart".

MJ

[Liz]

Dear Emz

Don't know whether this will help but it's worth a try before you walk away. Why not have you had a look at the tip on Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html). We tend to show love to our spouse in the way we like to be loved, but that may not be the way they experience love. Since he is accusing you of never showing love, perhpas it's worth checking out.


Liz

[Emz]

Hubby is like this when he doesn't get his own way, it's like a Kid calling you a bad Mum because you won't buy him sweets. I know that sounds nasty but that is the way he is, if things go his way then he's happy but if I stand up to him then the accusations start flying. Things have been terrible the past week and he is acting more like a Child. Things came to a head this morning and I threw him out. He was acting grumpy all morning and when I asked what was wrong he said that I had put him in a bad mood because I was in a bad mood, I told him I wasn't in a mood and was only tired( I hadn't moped or raised my voice or acted any differently) then he said that I was always moody which is wrong because I try to act cheerful for the Kids, he's the one constantly moody and moany. Then he brought up the subject of having another Baby and I said that we should get things sorted before we go ahead with discussing something like that( to be honest I don't want another Baby and he knows it, my health wouldn't cope with another pregnancy) So I suggested seeing a counsellor again and he said he could sort all the problems out on his own without a counsellor, and I made the fatal mistake of saying that we had tried and got no-where and he had tried and got no-where, then he went into a strop, stood at the front door (for all the world to hear) and started shouting and swearing and name-calling, so I said why don't you go out and come back later and we can talk about this. Then he went into the I'm sick of you and everything to do with you, so I told him to close the door and not come back at all, he then pushed me onto the stairs inside the house, pinned my legs with his knees and shouted into my face about what a cow I am and how much he hates me ( all this infront of my 16 year old Daughter) so all I said to him was to leave before I called the Police and he went, still ranting and raving.
Believe me I have tried over the years, I have seen umpteen Counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and Ministers, I have been on sleeping tablets and anti-depressants and tried everything to be the perfect Wife, no matter how hard I have tried it's never been right or good enough for him and there comes a time when you can't take anymore. I always went alone as he would never come with me, I have tried all they suggested about unconditional love and nurturing, but nothing ever worked. The best laugh is I suppose, when he is in company he acts like the perfect Husband, calling me Darling, honey things like that but when we're home or alone he can't ever be nice,if he was really like his public image we would have a great marriage, but unfortuately that seems impossible.

Emz

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Emz

It is such a pity that your H has not been able to respond, but if you have tried everything, then you have done all you humanly could.

Eighteen years is hardly rushing out of things.

I hope things begin to brighten up.