She loves me, She loves me not

[Concerned about love]

I stumbled across this web site looking for advice and it seems to be helpful for others...so here goes. I'll try to keep this short but I feel I need to supply a little history.

My wife and I have been married 17 years. We have 4 lovely children ages 3, 7, 11, and 13. We both are good parents and would do anything for our kids. As expected Life with 4 children is busy and we have always sacrificed our time for theirs. Sex has never been over abundant in our lives although I have always wanted more and expressed my feelings about it. We average once a month but have gone as long as 9 months without it. About 4 years ago I began to feel that my wife had no desire to make love to me and only did it to keep the peace. I felt guilty so I began doing things like sending flowers for no reason except to say "I Love You", leaving romantic cards under her pillow and in the visor of her car, sending text messages saying sweet nothings, etc. I felt I really made an effort with no results at all.

About 2 years ago I was so frustrated that I wrote her a note explaining my feelings and telling her that I needed more intimacy. Not just sex but the casual touching and winking kind of intimacy as well. As always things didn't change much. Then I began noticing that she would actually pull away at times when we were out together and I began feeling that She didn't love me anymore. Resentful, I began pulling away myself. This has been our relationship for the last several months

I am deely in love with my wife and always have been. However, my worry became so consuming that for the last year or so I have been unable to sleep, have begun taking anti-depresants, my relationship with my children is not where I want it to be, and our financial situation is deteriorating because my business is floundering as a result. I am worried she will fall in love with someone else if she hasn't already. She says that she has never had an affair but I worry that maybe she has and will not tell me. We are both the type that would stay in the marriage for the children. She is a beuatiful well figured woman and I have become your typical 42 year old bold businessman. We do not fight or argue and we are polite and respectful to one another. People on the outside think we have the perfect marriage

Five days ago I finally could not take anymore and told her that something had to give. I could not go on with a relationship that was ruining every aspect of my life. I felt that I was living with my sister and I wanted to become best freinds again. She did say that she feels that her feelings for me have dulled but I have done most everything I can think of to try to spark some romance. Now I feel like she is walking on eggshells and I am at my whits end.

Does anyone have any advise or is anyone else in a similar situation? I feel like she loves me but is no longer sexually attracted to me. I can't spend the next 40 years without love in my life.

Looking for help?

[Alan]

What a sad story.

Tell you what though, knowing what I now know,I would swap places with you.

You have at least the chance to work things out together. Please try and do so.

Sex is only a small (but important) part of a marriage ; differences here CAN be resolved.

You love your wife. Work it out.

[Concerned about love]

Alan,
I'm sorry about your situation and wish you luck. I'm worried that mine may be similar but my wife hasn't packed the bags yet. Working out our problems is exactly what I want to do. My problem is that I don't know what to do next. When I bring it up she either says that everything is OK or that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Sex is not the important part of my problem. My wife is void of any affection for me. We get along OK and coexist but anyone reading this has experienced that feeling that something is not right. Problem is there is no root cause or she has not given one.

I don't want to be blindsided one day. I want to do what is necessary now to repair whatever damage has occurred. I've become guilt ridden that it's me or something I have or have not done so I continue running in circles trying to do things nice for her and there is absolutely no change. Again, this started about 4 years ago. Before that we had a very affectionate relationship. I just can't figure out what has changed. If I don't know what's broken then how can I fix it?

Sorry for babbling.

[Alan]

You are not babbling at all.

Your situation is one many here will have faced.

I think sometimes we all get complacent in our marriages and, as you say, get blindsided out of the blue. In my case that's what happened. At least wth you, being together with your wife is a big start.

If I had recognised the signs earlier in my own relationship I would have tried to repair the damage. Each situation is unique but I would encourage communication.

And that communication MUST be done without preaching - trust me here!!

Don't feel guilty either ; it's a terrible emotion, don't succumb to it.

[Concerned about love]

Thanks Alan

[Out of Hope]

Hi Concerned about love,

Thanks for directing me to this post.

Your relationship sounds a bit like mine in so far as neither of us like to argue and have done so well to stay away from that until more recently. You have been in yours for so long I am surprised that you have managed so far without seeking support. I had that at one point and felt bad to ask those outside as I find people can be really nasty towards anyone in a relationship particularly when they are not in one. That I think is what makes our relationships seem so perfect. We get the same view on us too. You know what though, there is not such thing as a perfect relationship because we are all human and all have our differences. The art is actually how to make sure you get along with your fellow humans.

Anyway, your wife sounds like something is definitely up. Could she be going through the change at all?

Perhaps with that many children, she feels that she has given so much in terms of looking after them as well as you, and not had as much back that she has just had enough. I have read about couples who spend so much of their time focusing on the children that when the children grow up, the couple have to go back to each other and that can be strange, like you don’t know each other any more.

How long have you run your own business for? If you have spent a lot of time focusing on business she may have felt neglected, unless of course she too has had a lot of things to focus on away from you all.

You say that you have a three year old also…was this child “planned” as they say? Having to bring up such a young child again may be bringing back a different kind of stress. Do you help out much with looking after the 3 year old? I’m not being rude just asking because sometimes you are helping but for us we still can feel like we are doing all the work and the help we are getting is not enough.

Of course I could be clutching at straws but a few things that came to mind when I read your story. The main thing is that at least you are trying. It makes me sad to hear because you are obviously trying to make things better.

It’s been a while since you posted so how are things now?