Prayers needed for our marriage

[lizzy12342004]

Hi i have been with the same man for 14 years we have been married for 6 years in which time we have separeated once for 2 years and the relationship is in tormoil again.
My husban says he is unhappy with our current house and he wants to sell and go his own way, due to the fact that he feels that he has very little say in the furnishings around the home. since the later summer he spends mon-fri at home then dissapears on fir pm and returns on a sunday, he does not call home at all not even to talk to our daughter.

He states he does not know what he wants any more, and he still cares for our daughter and me. He says he seeked advice on separation.

I know that he blames me for taking away our right to have more children due to me been sterilized and he said he hopes that whilst we part that i will take steps to reverse it for my own sake and the sake of our daughter, Yesd i would love to do this with all my heart but i need a mircle from god as i do not have the monety to reverse it 5,000 approx as its not done on NHS where we live any more.
So please pray on this matter for me amd my family, as i know that the almighty god works wonders.
My husband is also in need of a car and due to finances and the fact that i'm a student nurse things are tight. He did walk out on me when i didi my last course too.
We both havedebts to pay and need an almighty mircle from god to come down and turn this no hope situation into a positive one.

Please please all prayers needed.

[lizzy1232004]

Hi
Will some at least respond to this please it would be nice.

[Concerned reader]

Dear Lizzy

I will remember you in my prayers.

I do admire the way you are sticking to your nursing course as I think this will turn this situtation to a much more positive one more quickly than you think. You are a good and strong person, a loving mother and nursing is always a career choice to be applauded.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but I know that if or when she is old enough to understand she will be very, very proud of you. I know I would be.

Logically, try not to be too 'hooked-in' about your husband's statements of being unhappy with the furnishings. This is just an excuse not to examine his own behaviour. If you both can use a counsellor, that would be good because what ever is at issue, it isn't the interior decor.

Similarly, the choice to have sterilzation. In the end it was your choice and presumably you made it for very good reasons.

However, you did NOT take away anyone's right to have a child. There is no 'right to a child'. All there is at the most is a possibility of attempting a pregnancy. In the ordinary run of things most women will (thank God) be able to have a child, but that does not imply an unlimited number.

True, if you have had one child it is likely that you can do it again, but there is no guarantee. It's not a right.

The sterilization issue is just being thrown in, like the furnishings, to divert attention from the uncomfortable aspects of your husband's behaviour.

Your husband has said he has sought advice on separation. Simply for your own information you should too. You don't need to make any decisions, you just need to know where you stand and how your daughter's interests are best protected. (For example, are you obliged to consent to the sale of the home?)

If you have tutor who can help with things beyond the course, talk to them privately now as they may be able to help with finding you a debt counsellor or access to hardship fund.

I hope things improve for you.

[lizzy1232004]

Hi to the concerned reader
Thanks for your response.
I have tried to speak to my husband who is still saying he does not know what he wants anymore, your right its not all just about the furnishings.
He always down the gym 4 hours each day.
He says he has financial problems that are bad and its getting him down.
He has not provided any shopping money to feed our daughter he just says he hasn't the money yet he being buying gadets on the net.
He blames me for all thats wrong with the house, but not blame himself for anything.

he wont go for counciling but expects to have all the pleasures in life.
He came home with what looks like love bites on each shoulder when questioned he said it was the weights at the gym.

Seems he wants his cake and eat it, doesn't want to divorce because it will cost him money and he say he aint gotr it to burn.

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Lizzie

The combination of debt and a refusal to face it is very common. However, there is a legal - and moral - obligation to support children which cannot be avoided.

It it might be worth trying to get your H to come with you to the Citizens' Advice Bureau to discuss how to organize the household finance and debt. The CAB is very experienced with helping people re-structure their finances. If you make it clear that you only wish to discuss the financial welfare of your daughter he may agree. The CAB is very sensitive about these matters.

It is difficult to separate the issues of finance and the state of the marriage, but try anyway. The blunt fact is that your either your H talks to you directly, or he can talk to the Child Support Agency.

Even if he won't come with you, you should gather (if you do not already have it) a list of all the basic household expenses (mortage, buildings and property insurance, council tax, utility bills, food, dentistry and prescriptions) and ask the CAB to help you calculate what household expenditure should be at a minimum (i.e. with no margin for maintenance or holidays).

If you have not already done so, ask your daughter's school if she qualifies for free school meals. Schools are very discrete about these matters and do their best to help.

I am glad to hear your H does not want a divorce, but that is not connected to child support, which is required whether or not he is remains married. Encourage him to go back to whoever advised him on separation and they can explain the situation to him.

I hope things improve.

[lizzy1232004]

Hi Thanks to the concerned reader, for your comments.

H still out at the gym says he doesnot want to be seen out with me on a regular basis. (What do you make of this).

Still wants to do his own thing i have suggested that if he wants to remain in this relationship that counciling is the only option. To which i have still had no response.

As for his complaint about the state of the house he is now cleaning and washing and cooking up a couple nights a week.

i have statrted to put my foot down regarding is time at the gym as he has no time for our daughter never listens to her read or helps her with homework etc. which i feel is just as much part of his role as it is mine.

He still has not provided any food money for our daughter but can go clubbing and out with his mates at the weekend, iam i a mug for not demanding it?

At the moment my daughter and i are feeding ourselves on my student overdraft.
He has got the cheek to ask me to buy his food too.I have made it clear that he needs to provide food money.

He still states he got a lot of things on his mind, and has a lot of thinking to do.

[GOD]

God here,

I just got a computer up here and this is the first place I went to. Aren't you lucky.

Well, well, well. (sigh)

Your husband is sick of you. Things change. Look what I did to my son on earth. One - fine. Next day - nailed to a cross.

Be glad you are miserable now. When you get to heaven I have a great place set aside for you. I am starting a brand new ice-cream route and you get the first truck!!!

In the meantime, give everything you can to your church. When the sink-hole opens they will need the money (hint hint).

Pray when you can. If you get a busy signal, keep trying. We had a major layoff up here.

G

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Lizzie

I'm glad to read that you are sticking with your course and keeping strong for your daughter. Out of curiosity, when does it finish?

Sometimes (most times, acutally) the issue of money for the proper maintenance of children becomes tangled in with positions about priorities, control, co-operation and division of childcare.

While it is only natural to point out the inconsistency between failing to pay for food but finding the money to go clubbing, it inadvertently creates a link in people's minds which should not, by rights, exist.

'Ah ha, so if I pay for food, then I have bought the right to go clubbing.' Since clubbing is a thing you may negotiate between you, the idea sneaks in that grocery money is also a negotiable item.

Whether you are a 'mug' is not something I could possibly tell from this thread. All that I can see is that your situation illustrates the general problem that when one partner refuses to carry a responsibility voluntarily, there are only limited things the other can do.

In this example, the responsibility to maintain the child is backed up with a certain amount of custom, practice and law, but was made explicit in creation of the Child Support Agency. However, the CSA is limited to acting where one parent is non-resident (except in some special cases, which you should ask them about directly).

One thing you might try, however, is to ask for a specific amount of money for food, on a fixed day each week, based on an itemized list which you can produce. It is demeaning, I know, you should not have to do this, but if it helps get money in to the child's life, that will materially improve matters.

Listsing the food money makes explicit that these resources cannot be switched away from her without penalizing the child. It also limits the liability so that your H knows how much he has to budget before discretionary spending. (A set amount is easier for some people to come to terms with.)

When you ask for this money, it will be all to easily confused with many other things. Thoughts may be thrown in such as 'I don't know, I have a lot on my mind'.

Keep focussing on the child-mainenance issue. "I appreciate that there may be many things for us both to think about, but money to feed the child is obligatory. I would like X amount paid every Yday.

All the rest could discussed with a counsellor, and you have offered to go to one.

I wish you well.

[LIZZY 1234]

Hi G
Thanks for your reply.
Hoping that the big G will one day enter your life.
Yes h may well be sick of me, but it takes two in a relationship, not one who is married but lives and like an umarried man, and cant be seen out with his wife. Any man that cant be seen out with his wife and not wearing his wedding rings certainly has some thing to hide from his wife don't you think?

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Lizzie

How are things going? What I think of your H is unpostable, but my concern is with you and your daughter.

[LIZZY 1234]

Hi to the concerned reader,
May 2005 bring you much well deserved peace and happiness in all areas of your life.
Well i am stillbattling on, having to support our daughter and my self, apart from he did do a christmas shop and footed the bill, then told me i would have do things on my own know, following a row. God is good and to him i will continue to praise his name. As for my daughter and i life is what ever we make it know. H is life consists of work then followed by the gym till 9-10pm each weekday night, so no changes their. But by gods grace i hope to continue with my studies in order to try and build a life for my daughters future, especially after h told me that in no circumstances will my studying benefit him , and their was no way he was staying with us.

[Concerned Reader]

Gosh, well, let's hope your H never needs a nurse!

Anybody with any sense knows that nurses are a good thing and we need more of them, of all sorts.

I wish you well in your studies and am very grateful that you care enough about people to push on with this subject. I think we will all benefit.

[LIZZY 1234]

Hi to the concerned reader,
Thanks for your support.
Life has been okay apart from H throwing object in temper, he still shops for him self only, never asks if daughter and i have food to eat. He did actually cook for us the other night, not sure if this is actually leading up to him about to say something about the situation, or not i guess i will have to wait and see. Something has got him down and he is not capable of sitting down and discussing the matter. (I mean not as throiugh ive got horns on my head)
I do care about others as thats the way iam. He did comment on finacially he cant cope, and he thinks splitting is the best solution and wants the house sold, but we have a small mortgage and their is no way both off us could start again on our own buying a house as prices are to high. But i will continue to pray that God will sort it out one way or another.
Gods blessing to all the reader and may god bless you all too.