How do I stop lying?

[ddd4645]

My wife and I just got married on March 25th. Even though it has only been about 6 months, she wants to call it quits. I have lied to her repeatedly about stupid things. For instance, I lied that I paid the rent today when I was actually going to do it the following day. I just couldn't tell her because I was afraid that she would be disappointed in me.

I know that my problem stems from feeling that I need to be perfect, or feeling that I can't let anybody down. I've had problems in previous relationships before with lying. It may sound easy to some people, but I just can't get past either letting someone down, or having to get yelled at or lectured. The additional problem is that I'm a terrible liar. I always get caught.

The other thing is that I only lie to my wife. I never lie to anybody else, or even work. I guess I feel that I don't have to be perfect in that aspect.

I try to be a good guy and do the right thing. However, I always seem to come up short in that department with my wife. I don't know if she'll give me another chance.

She told me while we were going out that she did not tolerate being lied to. I knew that this may be a problem in the future. I felt comfortable with telling her anything. However, the deeper we got into the relationship is when things started happening. I lied about trivial things. Even my wife can't remember. All she remembers is the lie.

I don't know if she'll ever be able to trust me again. In the past two years, I've probably lied about a dozen times. She wonders how many more chances do I need. I just don't know what to do or say to her at this point.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Concerned Reader]

Dear ddd4645

Anybody who says they never tell lies is....very ill advised to go anywhere near a stack of bibles with the intention of swearing on them.

I don't know about the other untruths which bother you but the first thing which strikes me about the rent-payment one is 'Why didn't he just pay the rent when he said he would?'

In other words, write out the instances and ask yourself about the underlying behaviour which you are lying about. By far the simplest way I know of not lying is to NOT do the things you want to cover up.

If an accountant or an economist were looking at your behaviour they would be saying 'ah, he's got his discount rate wrong'.

This means that when you tell a lie, you are over-valuing the immediate benefit of getting away with something and protecting your image in the eyes of others. At precisely the same moment you are under-valuing the future cost of this. Indeed, it may seem like there is no cost especially if you 'win' on this round. But look just a little way in to the future and my goodness it costs bigtime. It undermines your credibility in all areas, even the ones where you are telling the truth.

Don't take my word for this - have a look through the papers and notice the modern mantra about people who tell lies. It is is not the initial wrong deed which gets you - it is usually the cover-up.

The biggest, huffiest example of this is Lord Archer. He visited a lady who he probably should not (Monica Coglan). This was of some public interest in a cat-calling way. Certainly it would have been politically damaging to him, but arguably it was a private matter. The papers got hold of the story and challenged him. He felt either justified or self-protective and lied about it. He pushed that lie so far that he took it in to a libel trial and won.

Years later, the lie collapsed when a tangental character, who didn't even appear at the trial but was prepared to help shore up the lie, decided to go public.

The result was a dash back to court by the original defendants who now crowed that not only could they prove their story, but they could prove Lord Archer had lied in court - and that is a serious criminal offence.

Lord Archer ended up paying with his political career, doing time, and it is only a wonder that he kept his wife.

More examples of people undermined by a queasy attitude to the truth? Bill Clinton, Martha Stewart, Johnathan Aitken, Beverley Hughes (immigration minister, forced to resign), and - nearly forgot - plenty of debate about the capacity of Iraq's ability to launch attacks with WMDs in 45 minutes....

So here is my personal guide to lying, based on the assumption that it is best avoided.

1) Avoid the action which will lead to lying. Do the jobs you are supposed to do, don't do the bad things.

2) If you do feel the need to tell an untruth, try to breath deeply and get the time to ponder the future cost of telling another porkie pie. Remember the old story we tell children about the the boy who shouted 'wolf' and ended up eaten when the real woolf came and nobody believed him.

3) Because the cost of a lie is always bigger than you thought and always in the future, check the cost of telling the truth now. Yes, it may cost you a shouting-at, but that will usually be by far the cheaper option.

4) This bit is controversial - if you do tell a lie, it is usually best to stick with it. That commits you to weaving that terrible web of deceit which is in itself tiring and expensive.

Cautionary Mantra for liars - it is not the original deed which gets you, it is the lies you tell to cover up.

[new]

Your post touched me and made me very sad. I was married for 14 years to a wonderful man who, with the best intentions, often did not act honestly and lied when I would try to discuss issues with him. The issues he lied about were different to yours (from the sound of your letter) but the end result was the same - I felt incredibly hurt and came to trust him less and less and we are now separated. He too lied because he didn't want to face conflict or appear that he had done the wrong thing and, as the previous response states, while he avoided some short time pain, the costs in the long term were huge. I never stopped loving my husband but in the end I couldn't live with him.

You sound like a caring person who wants to do the right thing by people and it is this very desire that leads into lying. You seem to realise that this has a huge impact on your wife. Intimate relationships are built on trust and if one party feels constantly let down, the emotional bedrock of the relationship is deeply undermined. I get the sense that your wife loves and wants to trust you but experience is teaching her she can't.

With all my heart I hope you find a way to deal with this. I urge you to seek the help of a therapist. Cognitive therapy is focussed on changing behaviour and a counselor who uses this approach may be able to give you the behavioural tools you need to make the changes you want. Your doctor may well be able to recommend someone. Show your wife you are serious about change and you will give her a reason to keep faith with you. And most of all try to keep faith with yourself. You are not a bad person - you have particular issues and problems, as we all do, and you are beginning to struggle towards change, which is more than many do.

Lastly ,can I ask whether you have said to your wife the things you wrote in your letter? If my husband had come to me and openly and franky discussed his struggles and fears without defensiveness, and showed that he wanted to take responsibility for his actions and apologised, it would have healed my heart of some of its pain and may have resulted in a different outcome for our marriage.

I wish you 'bon courage' (good courage) in your struggles.

[mjdirect]

Number 1 RULE - DONT TELL LIES