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T Girl
15th October 2004, 10:48 PM
Hi
I have been meaning to write for a long time now so i thought i may as well as unfortunately i have no one else to confide in or ask for help.
I have been married for almost 5 years now.Our marriage hit the rocks from the minute our plane touched down at the airport on our honeymoon.
I was already pregnant then 5 months gone with my daughter.Anyway to cut a long story short basically my hubby started telling me about his previous partner and their holidays together and how much he missed and loved her and i was just 2nd fiddle.Before we wed there was no mention of her not in this kind of fashion anyway!
This continued for a long time i shall give a few examples of how i was treated by my husband.
"youre fat and ugly and look like a sack of spuds"(was 8 mths preggie at the time)
"****** is much better looking than you she was fantastic in bed and you are terrible in bed"
"get out my mothers house and take that half breed mongrel with you im going to buy you a ticket back to your own country you p**i". He was referring to my daughter the above and more that i wont even mention as i am deeply ashamed :(
(were in a mixed race marriage )I was born in england same as him!
Anyway this continued for a long time he used to reduce me to tears practically all the time.Some of the things he said would be unmentionable on here.I was denied love,affection and the rest...
Anyway this continued he'd upset me id cry he'd tell me how wonderful the ex was then the ex before her and i was nothing compared to them and he wished the ex was carrying his child instead of me.When i used to cry he'd tell me to "go do it upstairs im trying to watch tv".
Sometimes before bed we fought which would result with me in floods of tears id ask him arent you going to apologise arent you going to hold me?To which he'd say "no im going to sleep cry quietly".Id say how can you sleep while im like this after what you've just said he'd say "easy like this nite nite" (sarcastically) and turn the light off.
Things got worse he was mentally and verbally abusing me on a daily basis i used to get on my hands and knees sometimes and beg him to stop saying such hurtful things.
Our daughter was born and i fell into a deep depression,the abuse continued i honestly dont know why i really dont.When my daughter was 6 months old i fell pregnant again with our 2nd child.I was mortified to be honest how would i cope seeing as i had no family or friends.
The baby was born and i struggled alone to cope with the demands of a new babe and a 13 month old toddler running around.
I dont see my family because i suffered years of abuse at the hands of my mother (my siblings also).Mother would lock us in garage for days on end not feed us i used to rip her black bags to find scraps of food for my protesting stomach.She used to beat us with anything that came to hand i still have scars from being burnt with her iron not to mention the ones on the inside.
She abused us for many years.Whilst mother was doing that my 2nd eldest brother was sexually abusing me also this is why i have nowt to do with any of them.
The situation is like this now,hubby continued to torment me our arguments got more intense i continued to feel unloved so i got a load of marriage help books and asked hubby to have a look with me and sort out our marriage.
He didnt want to he was too intrested in porn on the computer or magazines it took me almost 18 months to confront him about the porn i was DEVASTATED.People always say how attractive i am and the rest but then why was he using this porn?It was all becoming too much for me.This had gone on now for almost 4 years although he says he has got rid of the porn.
I continued to feel unloved rejected to make matters worse his mother and sister have always disliked me his mother does'nt even say hello to me i think she doesnt like me because of my ethnicity which my hubby agrees on.
Anyway i was diagnosed with an illness on arrival home from hospital told hubby what i had.He said "if you end up in a wheelchair i will hate you we will end up losing the house and end up on a council estate and id have 2 give up my job to look after you and i will hate you for it".whatever happened to in sickness and in health?
Despite this i still stayed despite his mothers hatred for me i still continued to be the "perfect"daughter in law and not answer her back or disrespect her this i did out of respect for my husband.
may this year i found a lump in my breast i told my hubby unfortunately he couldnt accompany me to the gps so a mate who i was friendly with offered to wait outside for me with my kids.He came and helped me and i saw dr and was referred.
Things got worse i was a wreck anyway as he had done nothing to rebuild my confidance he used to withold money from me too all he would leave was spare change in a dish in the kitchen cupboard enough for a loaf of bread.
Anyway because of what he said about my previous health probelm i was somewhat scared if you like of his reaction if i did have cancer.I felt i couldnt rely on him i felt trapped and had noone to talk to.After what he had put me through can you blame me?
So my associate who accompanied me to the drs became someone who i could talk to while the cancer scare was going on.He was immensely supportive of me and i felt it was safe to do so as well.It was alomst like a wave of relief and i was quite bewildered that someone actually wanted to talk to the "sack of spuds"
Anyway i will call the associate P!
P and i became very close he was such a great tower of strength for me i was still angry at my hubby i wished he could have been like P helping me through talking to me when i was scared etc.
Soon i became very fond of P and he of me.
We started seeing each other mainly went for walks or sat in park and talked about life my marriage etc.
It developed into an affair i fell in love with him i couldnt believe someone could actually treat me nicely and not hurt me or put me down or make a mockery of my tears.
He used to hold me in his arms for hours he never pushed me into a physical relationship which i also found appealing as i dont really enjoy sex very much anyway.
Saw P for a few months my hubby asked me if i was seeing him i admitted it then hubby said i would have to choose who i wanted.
It was the hardest decision of my life.I chose to stay im my marriage i prayed for forgiveness from God i admitted we had sex on the one occassion also.I could not believe i had done it still now!
I dont know what i was doing anyway,P was very very upset i stopped all contact with him i explained it wasnt just about me it was my kids too i had to consider.
So i sacked P very reluctantly he really was wonderful a beacon of light in my darkest hours.I think had i not had P id have committed suicide cus i was and still am EXTREMELY unhappy.
My hubby is a control freak i wanted to apply for a job and he said i couldnt i am sat in my house all day i drop my daughter off at school then look after my son as he is only 2 almost 3 soon.
I have been stuck in a loveless marriage for so long now i cant see it ever becoming better i am so hurt and angry inside angry cus he used to say sorry and that he would never hurt me again .........But he did again and again and again.
I am so lonely ive tried playgroups they have shut down now which is sad as i feel my son needs some socialising as well now.
Hubby dont take me anywhere as we have no babysitter and his family live way too far to do it.
I miss P terribly i miss being treated well like im a human and not ridiculed and abused like im some piece of s***.Hubby told me he touches me up while im asleep this i finf disturbing.
I feel like i am owned by hubby i can only do what he wants me to do the few mates i did have stopped seeing me as they said he was so frosty to them he was!
I have been alone in this house now for a long time and im so so tired and lonely and fed up i survived violence and incest for this?
You know what hurts the most?Even though he knew everything that id gone through with my abuse in childhood he still did what he did to me that HURTS so bad i wish i could just cut it out i wanna cry but thats not going to change anything i was a fool to throw P away maybe i threw away my only oppurtunity of happiness for once in my life.Besides hubby said if i chose P he'd get full custody of the kids which horriffied me.
I thankyou for reading this far please pray for me as my faith is weak and i feel far from God and i wanna come back to him.
Inside i feel like he has killed my spirit i am back at breast clinic again as my lump has quadrupled in size they keep saying im too young for breast cancer but some poor person has to make up for the small minority who do get it at my age. The dr reckons its "probebly" a fibroid and could grow bigger.Unfortunately i cannot base my life on probeblys seeing as the breast clinic didnt even bother giving me a mammogram because they said im too young for breast cancer.My other health condition is crippling i am in constant pain its related to arthritis with it i suffer from ME which makes me exhausted.Im sick and tired of doing the lions share of all the domestic duties cooking cleaning and the rest.
I am unable to have sex with hubby and alot of it is to do with the things he said when he compared me to his ex in bed.Plus my volatile childhood:(
Outside i may appear fine and together but inside im dying.
I hope someone can offer me some advice as i really dont know what to do or where to turn.God bless you
T Girl

Visitor
16th October 2004, 12:09 AM
Your husband is a worthless and abusive scumbag. Why are you still with him? You only get one chance at life so dont waste anymore time or energy on the lowlife who makes you miserable. You said you asked God for forgiveness. Why? Do you think He would want you to suffer in this way? You deserve better. Get out as quick as you can and dont look back.

Kate
16th October 2004, 04:53 PM
Dear T Girl,

What a life you have had.

I agree that you need some help. Have you told your GP anything of what you are going through. You might also look at the area of this site which deals with abuse (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/). You need to be sure that you and your children are safe. Emotional abuse is as much a violence against you as something physical.

If you are not happy with the medical care that you are receiving then why not ask for a second opinion.

Take care of your self

Kate

T Girl
18th October 2004, 12:10 PM
Hi thanks for the replying i have stayed as i thought i could make it work and also because when i married him i made a promise to god that it was for life.
Having the kids has made the hatch to leave by that much smaller to get through.We had a trial seperation few months back my kids were in tatters and funny as it seems i really missed our routine and having him there.
He has improved somewhat but im finding it increasingly difficult to let the past go i just dont understand how someone can hurt you if they say they love you so much.I agree with what you are both saying and i thankyou for taking time out to write to me i just feel so guilty towards my children if i broke up our marriage and family although constant arguments are no good for the kids anyway why is it so hard?
Love and thanks T Girl X

Jack
22nd October 2004, 08:09 AM
I have just read your original threat T Girl and I am appalled shocked and disgusted at this mans attitude towards you. Even more to wilth his "half breed mongrel" comment.

Leave him now T Girl, he doesnt deserve you. I am a "half breed mongrel" my self. My Dad is black and my mother is white. I have heard those sorts of comments all my life. Im 41 now.

Dont do anything stupid, T Girl you are much better than that.

My heart goes out to you.

Spring Heeled Jack

T Girl
22nd October 2004, 12:33 PM
Thanks for the advice and reply Jack i know he is not worthy of me but i feel he has gained alot of control over me in the past 6 years.As i have no friends anyone other than him its easy for me to be "programmed" if you know what i mean.

Yes his racist comment hurt like hell it still does now he even lets his mother and the rest of his family trash me i really dont enjoy it at all.
I suppose because of my upbringing being similar to how he treats me in a way i think i just went along with it.
I know i should have left a long time ago but as i said before my guilt prevents me also i am scared.I am scared that i am a failure after all its my 2nd marriage although my 1st one was arranged and i was forced into it.He was the same as the present hubby although he was a more of a woman beater whereas my present hubby is more mentally damaging dont know which is the lesser of the 2 evils.
Im enrolling into college next week to better myself so i can gain some qualifications i have applied for some jobs but they turned me down basically i have no qualifications as i ws married off as soon as i was 16 education is not necessary to be a housewife in my culture you see.
I am getting stronger ive read some good books which seem to be strengethening me in a positive way.
I miss my P awfully but i know why i never left hubby for him it is a deep rooted fear that P or any other man for that matter will treat me the same way some people may say perhaps i attract these sort of men i dont know but im sick of it now im sick of my own company being sat here feeling worthless.
P is still very much in love with me but i think it would be unfair to him as well as myself to come out of this marriage and head straight into another love affair.
I need some time to think about who i am and what i wanna do im tired of being told off for wanting a life friends work.I find i am becoming more rebellious i feel so fenced in now i wanna scale the fence and get OUT!
Sometimes i think maybe i will just pop a few things into a case and just walk leave the kids here with him you see he uses them as an excuse for me not to leave that he will committ suicide if i leave and take his kids away he will be unable to cope without having them under his roof.Not as though he spends any quality time with them he constantly pushes them away too.
Why do i feel as though i have a rope around my neck?
I will sort myself out i am scared so very scared but thanks for your support i never thought id have any ! It was so hard feeling so alone but i appreciate the messages and im very grateful for any advice i recieve THANKYOUX
Love T Girl

Jack
22nd October 2004, 04:09 PM
No problem T Girl, any advice you need, just ask, me or any one on here
will be glad to help.

Be happy, and Be lucky and smile..

Jack

ckw
20th November 2004, 10:20 PM
Hi T-girl,

I have never thought I would be posting a message on any kind of internet board. But after reading your message, I have to let you know that I am very disturbed and sadden for you and your children. I am almost sure that I came from the culture similar to yours. I am also in a mixed-race marriage. I would like to offer my support to you, even though it is through an e-mail. Going back to school and getting more education is a good step towards being independence from your abusive husband. It also will help you better your self-esteem and feel good about yourself again. You can do it for yourself and your children. It is difficult, but Be strong ! I 'll keep you in my prayers each day. Please go to see a new doctor and get that lump taking care of.

My heart goes to you. May God be with you always. ckw

gee
2nd February 2005, 05:02 PM
I don't know how old this post is-but here is my thought-

I am at the edge of a similar situation in a small way- you say your spirit is smothered-
meaning no air-it is like a replay of your childhood abuse-maybe if you rescript what happened with a therapist-a shaman- a healer-you can find a new pattern that makes sense to you-and change the way you feel trapped by this man in this relationship-its like going to the past-as who you are now-crafting new tools-new things you make back there-to come to the present and move out of this-
with your present mind and emotional set-what you are stuck in actually feels comfortable in a sick way I guess.

you have to re-educate yourself-with not alot to go on-its like getting taught to eat dirt instead of cake-dirt is good to you-introducing you to cake has to be learned and acquired-like that man P did for you-it may not have been long enough to get you to crave good things-but that memory is powerful-can be expanded-and is real.

the man you are with can't recieve love-just control in push pull-as sad as all you have said is, he is m uch weaker and worse off in a way than you-your spirit is not smothered-it is pretty strong to go thru the games of people who cant or dont want to love

your spirit really knows love and wants to-or else it wouldnt have recognized it so strongly when it had some. our spirits remember truth and they go for it when they see it-weather the rest of us is ready or not-that is what makes the spark of somthing. the truth of love is like a lightning strike to the spirit-your spirit still works just fine-train yourself to follow it-instead of letting your husbands problems try to cover it so you can't see it.

pray4u
1st March 2005, 05:26 AM
I've never written a message before....but I'm compelled to reach out to you. I hope since you've written till now you've achieved steps towards leaving your negative situation and loving yourself. YOU DESERVE LOVE! Your kids deserve the love of a mother that can teach them to love themselves first and foremost! I pray that your spirits are set free. I pray for the happiness you and your children deserve. Stay strong TGirl!
Life is a fantasically happy roller coaster ride. Don't be scared to take a ride.
Know that you are in my prayers. God Bless You.

Grena1
24th March 2005, 02:50 PM
Dear spirits smothered, I am engrossed by that so called man who gave you no comfort physically,emotionally or spiritually. The atrocities that you underwent must have been overbearing, I can only Imagine. Please I ask you not to worry, help is closer than you think. For Comfort can be found within the pages of the bible which tells us at Isaiah chapter 57 verse 15 that Jehovah "resides with the one crushed and lowly in spirit". Can you see smothered that if we place Implicit faith in God he can ease the decades of inflicted pain that has been heaped upon you.In that same scripture it mentions god can "revive the spirit of the lowly ones and to revive the heart of the ones being crushed. I have been through some facets of your pain in times past and I have always found God's word the bible to be comforting in times of distress and I hope you will too.

Bringing comfort Grena1