T Girl
15th October 2004, 10:48 PM
Hi
I have been meaning to write for a long time now so i thought i may as well as unfortunately i have no one else to confide in or ask for help.
I have been married for almost 5 years now.Our marriage hit the rocks from the minute our plane touched down at the airport on our honeymoon.
I was already pregnant then 5 months gone with my daughter.Anyway to cut a long story short basically my hubby started telling me about his previous partner and their holidays together and how much he missed and loved her and i was just 2nd fiddle.Before we wed there was no mention of her not in this kind of fashion anyway!
This continued for a long time i shall give a few examples of how i was treated by my husband.
"youre fat and ugly and look like a sack of spuds"(was 8 mths preggie at the time)
"****** is much better looking than you she was fantastic in bed and you are terrible in bed"
"get out my mothers house and take that half breed mongrel with you im going to buy you a ticket back to your own country you p**i". He was referring to my daughter the above and more that i wont even mention as i am deeply ashamed :(
(were in a mixed race marriage )I was born in england same as him!
Anyway this continued for a long time he used to reduce me to tears practically all the time.Some of the things he said would be unmentionable on here.I was denied love,affection and the rest...
Anyway this continued he'd upset me id cry he'd tell me how wonderful the ex was then the ex before her and i was nothing compared to them and he wished the ex was carrying his child instead of me.When i used to cry he'd tell me to "go do it upstairs im trying to watch tv".
Sometimes before bed we fought which would result with me in floods of tears id ask him arent you going to apologise arent you going to hold me?To which he'd say "no im going to sleep cry quietly".Id say how can you sleep while im like this after what you've just said he'd say "easy like this nite nite" (sarcastically) and turn the light off.
Things got worse he was mentally and verbally abusing me on a daily basis i used to get on my hands and knees sometimes and beg him to stop saying such hurtful things.
Our daughter was born and i fell into a deep depression,the abuse continued i honestly dont know why i really dont.When my daughter was 6 months old i fell pregnant again with our 2nd child.I was mortified to be honest how would i cope seeing as i had no family or friends.
The baby was born and i struggled alone to cope with the demands of a new babe and a 13 month old toddler running around.
I dont see my family because i suffered years of abuse at the hands of my mother (my siblings also).Mother would lock us in garage for days on end not feed us i used to rip her black bags to find scraps of food for my protesting stomach.She used to beat us with anything that came to hand i still have scars from being burnt with her iron not to mention the ones on the inside.
She abused us for many years.Whilst mother was doing that my 2nd eldest brother was sexually abusing me also this is why i have nowt to do with any of them.
The situation is like this now,hubby continued to torment me our arguments got more intense i continued to feel unloved so i got a load of marriage help books and asked hubby to have a look with me and sort out our marriage.
He didnt want to he was too intrested in porn on the computer or magazines it took me almost 18 months to confront him about the porn i was DEVASTATED.People always say how attractive i am and the rest but then why was he using this porn?It was all becoming too much for me.This had gone on now for almost 4 years although he says he has got rid of the porn.
I continued to feel unloved rejected to make matters worse his mother and sister have always disliked me his mother does'nt even say hello to me i think she doesnt like me because of my ethnicity which my hubby agrees on.
Anyway i was diagnosed with an illness on arrival home from hospital told hubby what i had.He said "if you end up in a wheelchair i will hate you we will end up losing the house and end up on a council estate and id have 2 give up my job to look after you and i will hate you for it".whatever happened to in sickness and in health?
Despite this i still stayed despite his mothers hatred for me i still continued to be the "perfect"daughter in law and not answer her back or disrespect her this i did out of respect for my husband.
may this year i found a lump in my breast i told my hubby unfortunately he couldnt accompany me to the gps so a mate who i was friendly with offered to wait outside for me with my kids.He came and helped me and i saw dr and was referred.
Things got worse i was a wreck anyway as he had done nothing to rebuild my confidance he used to withold money from me too all he would leave was spare change in a dish in the kitchen cupboard enough for a loaf of bread.
Anyway because of what he said about my previous health probelm i was somewhat scared if you like of his reaction if i did have cancer.I felt i couldnt rely on him i felt trapped and had noone to talk to.After what he had put me through can you blame me?
So my associate who accompanied me to the drs became someone who i could talk to while the cancer scare was going on.He was immensely supportive of me and i felt it was safe to do so as well.It was alomst like a wave of relief and i was quite bewildered that someone actually wanted to talk to the "sack of spuds"
Anyway i will call the associate P!
P and i became very close he was such a great tower of strength for me i was still angry at my hubby i wished he could have been like P helping me through talking to me when i was scared etc.
Soon i became very fond of P and he of me.
We started seeing each other mainly went for walks or sat in park and talked about life my marriage etc.
It developed into an affair i fell in love with him i couldnt believe someone could actually treat me nicely and not hurt me or put me down or make a mockery of my tears.
He used to hold me in his arms for hours he never pushed me into a physical relationship which i also found appealing as i dont really enjoy sex very much anyway.
Saw P for a few months my hubby asked me if i was seeing him i admitted it then hubby said i would have to choose who i wanted.
It was the hardest decision of my life.I chose to stay im my marriage i prayed for forgiveness from God i admitted we had sex on the one occassion also.I could not believe i had done it still now!
I dont know what i was doing anyway,P was very very upset i stopped all contact with him i explained it wasnt just about me it was my kids too i had to consider.
So i sacked P very reluctantly he really was wonderful a beacon of light in my darkest hours.I think had i not had P id have committed suicide cus i was and still am EXTREMELY unhappy.
My hubby is a control freak i wanted to apply for a job and he said i couldnt i am sat in my house all day i drop my daughter off at school then look after my son as he is only 2 almost 3 soon.
I have been stuck in a loveless marriage for so long now i cant see it ever becoming better i am so hurt and angry inside angry cus he used to say sorry and that he would never hurt me again .........But he did again and again and again.
I am so lonely ive tried playgroups they have shut down now which is sad as i feel my son needs some socialising as well now.
Hubby dont take me anywhere as we have no babysitter and his family live way too far to do it.
I miss P terribly i miss being treated well like im a human and not ridiculed and abused like im some piece of s***.Hubby told me he touches me up while im asleep this i finf disturbing.
I feel like i am owned by hubby i can only do what he wants me to do the few mates i did have stopped seeing me as they said he was so frosty to them he was!
I have been alone in this house now for a long time and im so so tired and lonely and fed up i survived violence and incest for this?
You know what hurts the most?Even though he knew everything that id gone through with my abuse in childhood he still did what he did to me that HURTS so bad i wish i could just cut it out i wanna cry but thats not going to change anything i was a fool to throw P away maybe i threw away my only oppurtunity of happiness for once in my life.Besides hubby said if i chose P he'd get full custody of the kids which horriffied me.
I thankyou for reading this far please pray for me as my faith is weak and i feel far from God and i wanna come back to him.
Inside i feel like he has killed my spirit i am back at breast clinic again as my lump has quadrupled in size they keep saying im too young for breast cancer but some poor person has to make up for the small minority who do get it at my age. The dr reckons its "probebly" a fibroid and could grow bigger.Unfortunately i cannot base my life on probeblys seeing as the breast clinic didnt even bother giving me a mammogram because they said im too young for breast cancer.My other health condition is crippling i am in constant pain its related to arthritis with it i suffer from ME which makes me exhausted.Im sick and tired of doing the lions share of all the domestic duties cooking cleaning and the rest.
I am unable to have sex with hubby and alot of it is to do with the things he said when he compared me to his ex in bed.Plus my volatile childhood:(
Outside i may appear fine and together but inside im dying.
I hope someone can offer me some advice as i really dont know what to do or where to turn.God bless you
T Girl
I have been meaning to write for a long time now so i thought i may as well as unfortunately i have no one else to confide in or ask for help.
I have been married for almost 5 years now.Our marriage hit the rocks from the minute our plane touched down at the airport on our honeymoon.
I was already pregnant then 5 months gone with my daughter.Anyway to cut a long story short basically my hubby started telling me about his previous partner and their holidays together and how much he missed and loved her and i was just 2nd fiddle.Before we wed there was no mention of her not in this kind of fashion anyway!
This continued for a long time i shall give a few examples of how i was treated by my husband.
"youre fat and ugly and look like a sack of spuds"(was 8 mths preggie at the time)
"****** is much better looking than you she was fantastic in bed and you are terrible in bed"
"get out my mothers house and take that half breed mongrel with you im going to buy you a ticket back to your own country you p**i". He was referring to my daughter the above and more that i wont even mention as i am deeply ashamed :(
(were in a mixed race marriage )I was born in england same as him!
Anyway this continued for a long time he used to reduce me to tears practically all the time.Some of the things he said would be unmentionable on here.I was denied love,affection and the rest...
Anyway this continued he'd upset me id cry he'd tell me how wonderful the ex was then the ex before her and i was nothing compared to them and he wished the ex was carrying his child instead of me.When i used to cry he'd tell me to "go do it upstairs im trying to watch tv".
Sometimes before bed we fought which would result with me in floods of tears id ask him arent you going to apologise arent you going to hold me?To which he'd say "no im going to sleep cry quietly".Id say how can you sleep while im like this after what you've just said he'd say "easy like this nite nite" (sarcastically) and turn the light off.
Things got worse he was mentally and verbally abusing me on a daily basis i used to get on my hands and knees sometimes and beg him to stop saying such hurtful things.
Our daughter was born and i fell into a deep depression,the abuse continued i honestly dont know why i really dont.When my daughter was 6 months old i fell pregnant again with our 2nd child.I was mortified to be honest how would i cope seeing as i had no family or friends.
The baby was born and i struggled alone to cope with the demands of a new babe and a 13 month old toddler running around.
I dont see my family because i suffered years of abuse at the hands of my mother (my siblings also).Mother would lock us in garage for days on end not feed us i used to rip her black bags to find scraps of food for my protesting stomach.She used to beat us with anything that came to hand i still have scars from being burnt with her iron not to mention the ones on the inside.
She abused us for many years.Whilst mother was doing that my 2nd eldest brother was sexually abusing me also this is why i have nowt to do with any of them.
The situation is like this now,hubby continued to torment me our arguments got more intense i continued to feel unloved so i got a load of marriage help books and asked hubby to have a look with me and sort out our marriage.
He didnt want to he was too intrested in porn on the computer or magazines it took me almost 18 months to confront him about the porn i was DEVASTATED.People always say how attractive i am and the rest but then why was he using this porn?It was all becoming too much for me.This had gone on now for almost 4 years although he says he has got rid of the porn.
I continued to feel unloved rejected to make matters worse his mother and sister have always disliked me his mother does'nt even say hello to me i think she doesnt like me because of my ethnicity which my hubby agrees on.
Anyway i was diagnosed with an illness on arrival home from hospital told hubby what i had.He said "if you end up in a wheelchair i will hate you we will end up losing the house and end up on a council estate and id have 2 give up my job to look after you and i will hate you for it".whatever happened to in sickness and in health?
Despite this i still stayed despite his mothers hatred for me i still continued to be the "perfect"daughter in law and not answer her back or disrespect her this i did out of respect for my husband.
may this year i found a lump in my breast i told my hubby unfortunately he couldnt accompany me to the gps so a mate who i was friendly with offered to wait outside for me with my kids.He came and helped me and i saw dr and was referred.
Things got worse i was a wreck anyway as he had done nothing to rebuild my confidance he used to withold money from me too all he would leave was spare change in a dish in the kitchen cupboard enough for a loaf of bread.
Anyway because of what he said about my previous health probelm i was somewhat scared if you like of his reaction if i did have cancer.I felt i couldnt rely on him i felt trapped and had noone to talk to.After what he had put me through can you blame me?
So my associate who accompanied me to the drs became someone who i could talk to while the cancer scare was going on.He was immensely supportive of me and i felt it was safe to do so as well.It was alomst like a wave of relief and i was quite bewildered that someone actually wanted to talk to the "sack of spuds"
Anyway i will call the associate P!
P and i became very close he was such a great tower of strength for me i was still angry at my hubby i wished he could have been like P helping me through talking to me when i was scared etc.
Soon i became very fond of P and he of me.
We started seeing each other mainly went for walks or sat in park and talked about life my marriage etc.
It developed into an affair i fell in love with him i couldnt believe someone could actually treat me nicely and not hurt me or put me down or make a mockery of my tears.
He used to hold me in his arms for hours he never pushed me into a physical relationship which i also found appealing as i dont really enjoy sex very much anyway.
Saw P for a few months my hubby asked me if i was seeing him i admitted it then hubby said i would have to choose who i wanted.
It was the hardest decision of my life.I chose to stay im my marriage i prayed for forgiveness from God i admitted we had sex on the one occassion also.I could not believe i had done it still now!
I dont know what i was doing anyway,P was very very upset i stopped all contact with him i explained it wasnt just about me it was my kids too i had to consider.
So i sacked P very reluctantly he really was wonderful a beacon of light in my darkest hours.I think had i not had P id have committed suicide cus i was and still am EXTREMELY unhappy.
My hubby is a control freak i wanted to apply for a job and he said i couldnt i am sat in my house all day i drop my daughter off at school then look after my son as he is only 2 almost 3 soon.
I have been stuck in a loveless marriage for so long now i cant see it ever becoming better i am so hurt and angry inside angry cus he used to say sorry and that he would never hurt me again .........But he did again and again and again.
I am so lonely ive tried playgroups they have shut down now which is sad as i feel my son needs some socialising as well now.
Hubby dont take me anywhere as we have no babysitter and his family live way too far to do it.
I miss P terribly i miss being treated well like im a human and not ridiculed and abused like im some piece of s***.Hubby told me he touches me up while im asleep this i finf disturbing.
I feel like i am owned by hubby i can only do what he wants me to do the few mates i did have stopped seeing me as they said he was so frosty to them he was!
I have been alone in this house now for a long time and im so so tired and lonely and fed up i survived violence and incest for this?
You know what hurts the most?Even though he knew everything that id gone through with my abuse in childhood he still did what he did to me that HURTS so bad i wish i could just cut it out i wanna cry but thats not going to change anything i was a fool to throw P away maybe i threw away my only oppurtunity of happiness for once in my life.Besides hubby said if i chose P he'd get full custody of the kids which horriffied me.
I thankyou for reading this far please pray for me as my faith is weak and i feel far from God and i wanna come back to him.
Inside i feel like he has killed my spirit i am back at breast clinic again as my lump has quadrupled in size they keep saying im too young for breast cancer but some poor person has to make up for the small minority who do get it at my age. The dr reckons its "probebly" a fibroid and could grow bigger.Unfortunately i cannot base my life on probeblys seeing as the breast clinic didnt even bother giving me a mammogram because they said im too young for breast cancer.My other health condition is crippling i am in constant pain its related to arthritis with it i suffer from ME which makes me exhausted.Im sick and tired of doing the lions share of all the domestic duties cooking cleaning and the rest.
I am unable to have sex with hubby and alot of it is to do with the things he said when he compared me to his ex in bed.Plus my volatile childhood:(
Outside i may appear fine and together but inside im dying.
I hope someone can offer me some advice as i really dont know what to do or where to turn.God bless you
T Girl