Someone Please Help

[Elliejayne]

I would be very grateful if someone could help me, I havent even been married a year and my husband has been breaking my heart over and over for the past 4 months, once a month. He keeps saying things like he is bored, he doesnt know what he wants anymore, he doesnt love me and we are drifting apart. The last time he did this I left and he went out the same night drinking. He then wanted me back on the weekend. He started again last night, he said he was bored and we were drifting apart he cant have a conversation with me or anyone anymore. We also have a 16 month little girl and she is such a good baby so contented. One minute he is fine the next he isnt I just dont understand why he is hurting me over and over. He says there is no one else. I just dont understand what goes on in his mind anymore. I dont do anything wrong for him to treat me this way. My family said that he is still a little boy in his mind. My whole life has been falling apart for years and all I ever wanted was to be loved and shown and told that I am special. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years he was cheating on me time and again and was violent. Then my mum died suddenly and then my dad, i moved away from my family to be with my husband and now I am stuck here with no one to turn to or talk to. His mother treats me like a teenage mum like I dont know how to look after my daughter properly. I had money from my mum and dad when they passed away and trusted my husband enough to put it in his account and it dissapeared on bills he said, then I took a loan out to clear his debts again and now he and I am in debtagain, no money for food anything. I just dont feel that I can handle my life anymore, I have had so much pain so far and I am only 23 I am exhausted and distraught and I dont know where my life is heading. Please can someone tell me where am I going wrong, what should I do, should I stick by him or should I be the one to turn around now and end it for good. Please help

[Anon]

Hi

First of all you have done a strong thing by coming to this site and seeking advice.
You sound like you have been through a rough time.
The main thing you have to do is look after yourself and your child. Put yourselves first for a change rather than your H.
Your H is obviously going through a period of turmoil and upset and does not know what he wants at the moment. Becuase he feels like this he will take he unhappiness out on you and blame you for things. Do not take all what he says to heart at the moment. He sounds confused, and will need space to sort it out. Try and not pressurise him or even discuss it with him as this will push him depper into his cave.
Start doing things independently on your own, and with your daughter. Let him see that you have a life without him and that you can even enjoy yourself without him. Ask him to babysit and have a few well deserved nights out with friends.
Maybe this is what your H needs as well. As much as we love our partners and children we all need some space and time to ourselves.

I know how upsetting it must seem at the moment, and it will be hard but try and stay positive as possible infront of your H. Do not let him see you are upset by his actions at the moment. Even if you do not feel like it ACT AS IF whenever you can.

You need to start feeling good about yourself and your life, and letyour H see you can do this without relying on him.
One thing to remember - you cannot change your H, but you can change what yuo do. I would not be surprised if once your H starts to see you doing things differently and more independently it will make him sit up, and realise...
Things take time though so do not expect overnight results.

Keep positive and let us know how you are getting on

Anon

[Kate]

Dear Elliejayne,

You haven't had a good start to married life by the sound of things. Both of you find yourself in a relationship with a little one depending on you and you don't seem to have had much preparation for married life or parenthood. Behind your words you sound very lonely, so welcome to the community here.

Many marriages start off with a romantic phaze when you are trying to please each other and avoiding any difficult issues, then comes the point when you have to face the reality of who you are and the disappointments (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) and make things work. If you can work through this stage then it's possible to build a strong and fulfilling marriage.

I think you both need some help - there are a number of things that you might consider. The first is counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/)- you can find information here. This might be helpful for you alone to find healing from the abuse that you have been through which will have damaged the image you have of yourself. You could also see if your husband will go with you to help you sort out the things that you are finding difficult.

The second is to go for something more forward looking like marriage enrichment, to help you learn the skills that you need. You could try something like FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/) or Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) or a weekend away together (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html). There are also articles here on the site about basic skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) that can help you.

None of us are trained for marriage so there's nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help especially since you don't have your extended family around you.

For your own support and to make friends you might consider a local mother and toddler group. Local churches often run these.

Don’t give up - your daughter needs you both in a loving relationship so she can grow up strong and secure.


Best wishes

Kate
:)

[Elliejayne]

Thankyou for your advice, I will definately try to get on with things and try and be positive for me and my daughter, I do feel very lonely and I am home sick. I wish I had the chance to make friends to go out for a break but I havent found any friends as I feel that I cant make them, I have lost all confidence in myself. I cant afford to go anywhere at the moment but I will take my daughter to the park by myself and have fun with her and let my h get on with his problems because what ever they are he wont confide in me. I just hope that he realises how much he needs me and our daughter. I am so affraid of being on my own and never finding love again. Do you think my H should see someone professional to talk about whats going on in his head? He has changed, he is very within himself and he likes playing on the computer or is glued to the telly all the time, he has become very lazy. If I am the cause of his problems maybe it is best we do breakup. I dont want to hurt anymore.

[Concerned reader]

Elliejayne, this would be difficult to deal with at any age, but it is perhaps even worse as you are very young and very isolated.

However, your child is fine and time is on your side - you have plenty of time yet to get things sorted out.

Sometimes I think that the toddling age is the hardest. They cannot talk fluently yet, so you are still guessing very often what they mean. They have all the energy in the world and you are very tired.They are still too young to go to most formal pre-school groups, but you could do with a break. Do check the lists at the local council offices and at your nearest primary school, because the admission age varies from group to group.

When I was far away from my family I was particularly glad of the services run by the local Salvation Army. They never once mentioned religion - it was definitely not a recruiting ploy - but they ran a play group twice a week. You stayed with the children, but chatted with other mothers, and at that building we were lucky enough to have a separate tea room.

I remember being very happy when we all trooped up the stairs for our juice and biscuits, for which we paid about 20p. Being the Salvation Army, if you didn't have that, they still made sure you had your refreshments. I never once felt they were anything other than genuinely kind and if I had found myself in trouble, they would have been the first people I would turn to.

You could see if there is a Salvation Army church, or similar in your area. I can't comment on the other churches but I can definitely say that the Salvation Army did not try to 'push' its views on me.

Assuming you are in the UK (some people who post are not) then the Citizens' Advice Bureau can help you sort out the debt and how to manage what money you get, and if there may be some benefits you can claim.

If this all seem too overwhelming and you simply cannot face any of this, please do not be afraid to go to your doctor and ask to be put in touch with a support worker. You are by no means the only young mother trying to pull things together in a difficult world; in order to protect and support your daughter you need to look after your own health.

I hope things get better. Just facing up to the fact of a problem can be the start of solving it.

[lizzy1232004]

Hi EllieJayne
Your situation is arwful,
Girl just grit your teeth and hang on in their, its hard i know iwent throught it 4 years ago and now the same man is saying the same things to me like i dont know what i want anymore, its best to seperate we to have a daughter and home life is now affecting her at 9yrs old.
Have you been to counselling and applied for any benefits such as tax credits and been to DHSS to see if their are nay benefits they can give you? Try them you might be pleasantly suprised.
Ellie you have to go on your child needs you as you are their lifeline and your childs rock remain strong and i will pray for you, god always works if we trust in him.
The debts will get paid eventually and life still goes on.
Ellie try and get out and find some friends in the area, they will help point you in the right direction and keep me posted on whats happening and good luck for the future as some ment dont know what they have till its gone for ever.