Gutted

[fedupandpeedoff]

This morning I found out that my husband has been using an adult 'friend finder' site. With a bit of digging I managed to find out the password and username and log on.

To my horror I found several pictures of his genitals on his profile along with a profile which basically said he would be up for most things including discreet sex etc etc. I also found a chatlog from a woman he had been having cyber sex with.

We have been married for nearly 10 years and have an active sex life (2-3 times per week) and have (should I said had?) a solid loving relationship. When I approached him about it he all but blamed me for our sexlife being 'boring'. He denies that he has been unfaithful but it would have only been a matter of time before he was.

We have 2 gorgeous sons so I don't want to just give up on our marriage but I hate him at the moment and can't even bring myself to talk to him. I am totally gutted and don't know where to turn. How should I react? Is it my fault?

[Concerned reader]

If anyone had found that out, they would be in shock - so I think it is quite likely you are.

For the next few days I wouldn't try to do anything at all - let the shock subside, then it will be easier to think, to assess what has happened and begin to develop an attitude to it.

What people say they are 'up' for, and what they would actually do is quite another thing.

So far, this is amounts to your H being terribly vulgar and undeniably stupid. Only you can judge whether this is a one-off stunt, or something more serious.

Let's be crystal clear on one thing. This is NOT your fault and any attempt to make it so (by complaining about sex, complaining about housework, complaining about the weather....) is an attempt to make you accept responsibility for his actions, or at least to avoid having to accept it himself.

You are entitled to take a few days to sort out your thoughts before even discussing the matter.

Give yourself a little time now.

[fedupandpeedoff]

Thanks for that. Well a few days on and there has been a lot of tears, accusations (from me) and heartache. He swears that he loves me with all his heart and that it was a stupid thing that he did while drunk and that it will never happen again. I love him with all my heart but feel so betrayed and useless. All I can see is those pictures in my mind at the moment when he tries to hug me.

He says we will work through it and we'll be honest and open with each other. I think that he does genuinely love me but finds it hard to tell me what he wants sexually. I was raped as a 14 year old, which has left me with some issues about sex and I supppose have never really faced that head on and dealt with the problems it caused. Although it has been 17 years since it happened, it is still a raw wound which maybe I should get some help with.

I'll keep you informed how it goes, thanks for the shoulder :o)

[mjdirect]

well at least he did not cheat on you, I just had my wife cheat on me 3 weeks back after 7 years of marriage so I can really relate to way you feel at the moment.
what does he want - does he love you? You guys need to connect with your hearts and be real honest with each other. Most important for you is he has not been unfaithful - cherish that and communicate to him how you would feel if it ever happened.

I know cyber sex can feel like a betrayal but really its nothing but fantasy and you should try not to hate him for it. Take Care and Good Luck

Mark