lost

[newguy]

Hi

Just like a lot of you out there, my wife has recently left me. No reason given other than not being in love in more. I stumbled on this site and hoped for inspiration, but now I am more worried. Has anyone out there managed to win their partner back? Are there any success stories, or is it all pointless trying? Nobody seems to have posted a success story and that makes me fear for the future. Help! Somebody prove me wrong!

[Jacks]

Hi,

I know you must be hurting and looking at all the threads sometimes makes you feel worth! I can tell you, that it does help to know that you are not the only one and we all support each other! My H left me nearly 4 months ago and it is really tuff, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and his feelings have changed! We did try for 3 months, but it didn't work, as I was getting upset a lot and we would argue about a lot of things, also I had a feeling that there was someone else, so I got clingy, started begging him and it made matter worth! Unfortunately I haven't got as far as a sucess story, but hope it will happen one day!

Look on divorcebusting.com, there are a lot of success stories and good advice is well! I have bought the book is well and it has helped me a great deal!

Hope that helps a little!

Take care,

Jacks
x

[Alan]

Can I make a comment on this divorce busting advice?

Much of the advice centres around 'reverse psychology' which in my life experience very rarely works.

The divorce busters advise if a walk away wife/husband wants out, i.e. a divorce, the best tactic is to agree, be complicit etc.

This, apparently, is meant to turn the situation round in favour of the partner who wants to try and make the relationship work.

When you're down (and out) you will latch on to any advice. I took this 'advice' on board with my own situation and perhaps I'm unique here given the success stories, but it only made things worse and has speeded up the process of separation!

That said, the begging approach has not worked either and won't ever, but I can't see the logic in the other approach.

When your partner sez he or she does not like you anymore and does not want to be around you, at all, I fail to see how agreeing with this makes it work.

As 'newguy' has asked, are there any real success stories out there that have worked using this method?

[Liz]

Hi there,

Yes there are some success stories both on these boards, Claire for example, and other people I have known. It is worth trying to fidn a way through.

Many couple go through stages of disillusionment and begin to wonder whether it's worth it. Why not have a look at some of the resources in the Disillusionment section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) as they may shed some light on what has happened in your relationship. For example you might find Divorce remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) from Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting helpful.

Just seen Alan's post - there are no guarantees with any of the methods because in the end it's down to the will of two people whether a marriage works. Michele's work is extensively recognised in USA and she will be over in the UK soon doing some TV programmes about her work.

There's no doubt that the earlier a couple recognise difficulties starting and seek help then the more chance there is of sorting things out. In fact what is even better is if a couple use the resources available to build strengths and common understandings into their relationship all the way through with stuff like marriage enrichment. It may seem to late for some people here but it's worth knowing about should you ever venture into a new relationship.

All the best

Liz

[Alan]

Liz - thanks for that. I've read most of the articles on this site - I can't sleep these days!

I'm going to give the 'time and space' advice a go.

I do love my wife, with all of my heart, but it's not me that has to decide.

I thank God that my son is still with me.

[Liz]

Alan,

Take care of yourself. Your son needs his dad right now. I hope you can find some way to get some rest to keep your strength up.

Liz

[Rejectedman]

Newguy, Alan, Liz,
It is tough to keep hope, especially against what seems to be stacked up against us, but when you do love someone with all you've got it really seems worth the wait. But, you need to try to limit the pain (and there will be pain) by protecting yourself. Read the books that are recommended, if nothing else they give a certain understanding of the situations. Talk to friends and family. OK, mostly they will understand it as little as you do, but it does help. Do not keep your emotions bottled up - that really hurts !. Cry, Sob, Kick the wall, Scream into a cushion. Let it out !. Remember the time you have had with your spouse which was as good as you remember (they will not remember any of it in the frame of mind they are currently holding on to with such a tight grip), cherrish it, be thankful and comfort yourself that everything up until now WAS worth going through. You have not wasted time or life.
It has taken me months to be able to feel this way and even now there are days I feel at rock bottom again.
There will always be success stories. Who among us will be one ? Who knows. That is what hope is all about.
Don't give in or give up.
R'man

[Anon]

Hi Alan

I have been following Divorce Remedy now for 5 months, since my H left home, and even though he has not moved back home yet I am pleased to say it is defintely working. I have done this programme on my own, my H does not have a clue about the books I have been reading. I must admit it did take about 2/3 months for me to get over the upset/hurt and anger before I started DR. But since i have not only have I seen major improvements in my relationship but more importantly it has made me feel so much stronger in myself and happier with life in general.
I still dont know when my H will move back and commit to me 100% again, but I do know that we are much closer to a full reconciliation now that what we were 2 months ago, even a week ago.
As each week passes I see postitive signs and steps forward from my H, and this gives me the strength to keep going.
The hardest things for me are being patience, and god knows you need plenty of this, plus learning to accepting the situation. Once I accepted the situation and learnt that I could not change it as it was, I then made a decision that I wanted my H, and that I was prepared to try anything to make my marriage work.

Its really hard, but I beleive if you want something that bad in life, you can achieve it in the end, and if I dont - well then I have learnt some valuable tools for a next relationship and made myself a happier person.

good luck

Anon

[Alan]

Let's be honest with ourselves here.

I don't want to give in or give up ; but if my wife wants 'out' and is determined to take this route, no amount of hope is going to change her mind.

How does anyone overcome the objection of "I don't even like you anymore"?

No amount of pleading or time and space can change that statement.

Of course, rejectedman, newguy and myself have only stated our side of the story ; it could well be that all three of us are really bad people right enough and that we deserve what's happening to us.

For my part, I fully accept that I'm not blameless ; clueless perhaps, but not blameless.

Aren't people allowed to change after been shown the (apparent) error of their ways?

[Anon]

I know its hard but you must not blame youselves.
Yes no-one is perfect including your partners.
This is something that has come along and happened for a number of reasons.
For your W to say she does not like you is difficult to accept, but I would bet that she is saying this only becuase she feels hurt/confused and so unhappy herself at the moment.
do not take everything your W says to heart. Deep down she probably does not mean half of it at the moment, its the confusion and hurt that is talking.
Your W needs time and space to sort out her own feelings - any pressure on her at the moment will only make her feel more angry and confused.
Once you W has sorted this out in her own head, you then may find that there is an opening to sort out the issues that have made this situation occur in the first place.
I can totally understand at the moment that YOU feel hurt/upset and angry yourself, and you probably feel like the victim becuase it is your W who has instigated this.
One thing I have learnt from my experiences is that you cannot even attempt to try and work on the situation until YOU have rid yourself of your anger/hurt that you may feel towards you W. This is where the D Remedy can help you if you want it to. Once you stop feeling upset and angry you automatically start feeling a happier person with yourself and allows you to make much clearer decisions and goals for yourself.
The DR helps you to stop focusing on how hurt and upset or angry you feel, and how can you W do this to you. Its natural to feel like this at the moment but its even better when you learn to accept the situation, accept that you cannot right now change your W or how she feels. By actually being on this website shows that you have a good reason to fight for your marriage, even if your W does not see it that way at the moment .

ok, yes the DR may not work for everyone, but at the end of the day is it not worth a try - you have nothing to lose.

Anon

[Alan]

Anon

Wise words indeed. This weekend I'm going to try the stay away and time and space approach. It may work, it may not, but as the 'book' sez, stop doing the things that are not working.

Your own situation is actually an inspiration and I'm encouraged by your words.

I'll be honest, I'm not angry, just bewildered.

I'm not sure that here words on hating me are not in fact true. She has been very consistent with this line and while I can put a part of it away, the words are out there and have been said.

Anyway, everyone try to have a good weekend. You guys have been a real source of comfort and support and I appreciate that.

[Alan]

Ah, well, looks like it's over for me. I don'yt know if I can face the future.

Here I am, alone, totally alone, in a huge house after a terrible, terrible day.

There's no going back.Not after today. And my precious son looks like being lost to me too.

What have I done to deserve this? I can't face this,I really can't.

[hurtnhadenough]

Alan,
I hope that today is better for you! Your last post concerned me. I know, first hand, how you are feeling and I am so sorry that our loved ones have abandoned us. It hurts like hell.
Please do not give up on yourself. I have read your posts and I feel that you have a lot to give. You bring up some very interesting questions as well as valid points.
It sounds like this emotional upheaval has taken you by suprise, I know it did for me. I thought I could manage it better. I thought I would get through my heartbreak with in a few months, but what I now realize is that people like us (ones who can love) have a better chance at future happiness than people like them (those who put a wall up so high, thier numb) Yes, it hurts. But at least we are emotionally alive. We feel full, true & honest emotions that have to run its course.
As for methods to lure our loved ones back? Maybe if we are really clever, we will do just the right thing or act in the appropriate way, at just the right time or maybe we wont. But even if it works, how do we keep up the charade? It seems that in our hearts we are all just princes and princess's looking for our damsels in destress & knights in shining armer to unite with so that we can live "happily ever after". However, once real life kicks us in the a** we have to come to terms with the fact that people are complex. Those that are a gem one day may turn out to be a sharp piece of glass the next. And the only one who you can ever really, truely rely upon is yourself.
That being said, my experiences had led me to the firm belief that no matter what you do or say in efforts to rekindle your marraige, it is not going to change a thing. What will be, will be. Time will tell and it will also heal your wounds. We all can do backflips and acrobates till the cows come home. This may entertain our run-a-way spouses for a while. Then what? How long do we pull coins out of our ears and rabbits out of our hats before they love us? If they love us, they will return in thier own time. If they deserve us, they will ask for forgiveness and work at proving that they are, once again, worthy of our love. And if we love them, we will accept and forgive them and learn from our past mistakes. Will we live "happily ever after"? That is totally up to us.
So now, Alan, your job is to love yourself. Nurture and dress your wounds so that you are well enough to help your son through this. Start making your house "your home" not a shrine of your past. Put her things in boxes and store them out of sight until you can look at them with indifference or happiness. Listen to your insticts. If you want to talk to her, then talk and listen. If you have heard enough, then stop for a while. Plow forward as best you can. But most of all be the unique "you" that makes you proud of yourself.

[Angel]

Hurtnhadenough - wise words indeed and exctly my sentiments at the moment. If Steve and I are meant to be we will be. I have learnt from this and have become a stronger, independent woman who knows her feelings and emotions. I can scream and yell but it gets me no where...being calm and listening helps. I know there are things I could have done differently, but I am only human and my H could have communicated his feelings to me. I am not an ogre, but a loving individual who would do anything to make the relationship work. I know at the end of the day, if we are not together, that I have tried evertything and that one day he may regret the decisions he has made.

[Concermed reader]

Alan...hold on...your message was so short.

Has your wife revised her attitude to your son?

I'm sorry this is such a terrible time for you.

[Alan]

Guys

Ta. I hear what you are saying. And I truly appreciate all the kind words.

However, to put into action all of what is advised is not easy.

Saturday was a real low day. We met, had lunch and all the old tensions came up. I blew it, basically. It's very hard not to beg isn't it? I was being hit with how great it is to be 'free' and how she 'had a ball' on the Friday evening being out with her pals without recourse to me. As if.

My son stayed over with her at her mums (where is she is currently staying) and for the first time in a long while I was totally alone. Alone with pictures, memories and my own self-pity. I admit I broke down and cried for hours. I've never, ever felt so alone and lost.

My wife's attitude towards our son remains the same - we can be good parents to him apart, after all 'this works for other people'. I don't agree on this. At all.

This week I'm going to put into practice the time and space angle. It will be so hard, especially towards the end of the week when my son will be staying over for 3 nights (Thurs, Fri and Sat). To be honest, he's having a ball with all this attention. Although I know this won't last. Just now it's a game to him.

My hope in reconciliation is based around us not doing what she said she would do when she first walked out, i.e. separate bank accounts, lawyers etc.

This has not been done, nor mentioned. Yet.

What I'm getting just now is the "I hate you/don't love you anymore" line, with "I've not made up my mind fully yet". I agree that the more pushing I do, the further away she becomes.

I have to fight another influence in the form of my wife's recently divorced friend, who is 'coping very well' and 'proving that 'it' can be done'. New house, new life etc, etc. It has taken this 'friend' 3 years to get to her present stage mind you.

Tell you what else I've discovered in the last two weeks - and that is how fickle friends and relations can be. Mine have all but disappeared, making it worse. Compounding my agony was a statement from my sister that said "I deserved it" and "has been a long time coming."

Am I really that bad? What did I do? I worked hard, put my wife and son above everything else - is that a bad thing? I'm beginning to believe that it is.

[Anon]

Hi Alan,

I really do sympathise with how you are feeling right now. The first few weeks are so difficult, as you come to terms not only with what your W has instiaged but also with your own feelings. I know it might not feel like it today, but you WILL feel better. You will not always feel like this.
Please try and not take anything your W says at the moment to heart. Its hard to beleive looking at my relationship with my H now, that only 5 months ago he too told me he did not love me anymore, and that we could bring up our daughter better apart than together. Things DO change, and TIME does help.
Try and keep yourself as busy as possible over these next few weeks, especially at the weekend when your son is staying with your W. Make plans now to visit friends/ go out with mates / play sports etc etc. Even if you do not feel like it, make yourself busy over the weekend - the days will pass quicker and you will start feeling stronger.

Let us know if you are having a bad day, we can try and help support you as best possible.

Anon

[Concerned reader]

Alan, if your sister can say exactly why, quoting examples, of what you are supposed to have done wrong, then it might be worth taking note of her comments.

Otherwise, I can think of two plausible explanations for her attitude. Sibling rivalry goes on for a surprisingly long time or, sometimes, a person can be projecting something from their own lives on to a situation. Both of these are irrelevant and are best ignored.

In general, as someone whose friends have had troubles, I am a little wary of trying to be too 'in their lives' as once or twice my well-maning but ham-fisted running round with wet flannels, hot soup, etc. have exasperated them. It is all too easy to give the patronizing impression that you think they are unable to cope and I, foolishly, have done that. Maybe friends and relatives are trying to show tact in keeping out of it now?

One thing puzzles me. If I didn't want to talk to someone, well, I just wouldn't.
I wouldn't go to lunch with them, I wouldn't tell them about my life, I wouldn't want them to know about how much fun I was having, and I definitely wouldn't tell them about my divorced friends for, oh, so many reasons.

But your wife is going out of her way to let you know all this. It isn't my idea of productive or two-way communication, but it is communication.

I would lay money that part of what is going on is that your wife wants you to hear and acknowledge receipt of every word. Some - perhaps most - of those criticisms will be unfair, but if you can bear to let them roll for the time being, it may be possible to make a little space for something saner to grow. Not easy though - I'm rubbish at it.

[Alan]

Alan, if your sister can say exactly why, quoting examples, of what you are supposed to have done wrong, then it might be worth taking note of her comments.
I can't say why she said this ; I simply don't know. No rivalry as far as I know, but I'm disappointed all the same.

You guys have been better friends to me through this than anywhere else.

I hear what you are all saying about time easing the pain ; my experience is somewhat different though. As time is marching on, the feelings are getting worse.

I'm trying to think positive and to keep busy, although the up and coming weekend will be murder.

I had a social event planned for the Saturday evening which I'm not now going to. I was involved in the planning of it. My reason? The guy with whom my wife textually communicated will be there ; and I simply don't want to put myself into that arena.

A long drive is in order!