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View Full Version : She is leaving me, how do l react?


Terry
6th October 2004, 01:04 PM
My wife is leaving, she says she needs space from me. we been married 22 years have 9 children. I know things were rocky, but not like this, l asked here to stay, let us try and work things out. But she insists she needs to move away, for a temporary basis, until she can work out her feelings.
At first l accepted this, l love her so much l just want to please her, but me eldest children told me l should stand up and demands we sort it. Last night l broke down in tear, pleaded with her not to go, she kept on telling me to go see a counsellor, get anti-depressants, l have actually seen a counsellor, a while back. Anyway, When she goes at the weekend, do l show my feelings that l doint want her to go (she is taking 5 of the children) or, do l put on a brave face, do l let her take the sofa nd the TV leaving me and the other kids with nothing?? I don't know how l am supposed to behave......

Concerned reader
6th October 2004, 04:06 PM
Terry...what did the counsellor say when you saw them, and was it possible to do anything they suggested?

It may not be possible to get your wife to stay on an open-ended agreement but would she agree to stay for two weeks while you go to the doctor, get a new counsellor, and ask about anti-depressants? Doctors do not dish them out on demand these days.

Ask your wife politely if she would allow you this fortnight and point out that it is difficult to move five children in the middle of term-time. Check the calendar; if she wants to go then would she be better to wait until half-term? (I'm assuming that the youngest children are at school and that they are the ones going with her.) Does she have somewhere to go and is there some pressing reason why it has to be this weekend and not, say two weeks down the line?

You say things have been rocky for some time, but you have 9 children and have been together 22 years. One possible explanation for why this is happening now is that this is your wife's way of making things 'unrocky'. Shock tactics, if you like.

Your first way of behaving is to ask for just a little more time to cope with the situation (only a fortnight). The second thing is not to focus on the telly or the sofa as it may accidentally make it sound as if you are more worried about mere furniture than people. I'm sure you don't think this, but it is easy for misunderstandings to arise when emotions are running high.

If she is in tonight, then be very polite and make it as easy as possible for her to back away from taking any decision this weekend.

I wish you well.

Terry
6th October 2004, 06:29 PM
Thanks, no she is quite adament she is going this wekend, she has rented a house a few streets away. The counsellor some time back said l seemeed a very rounded individual?? whatever that means. I have asked her for time, but she is unwilling. Just come back fdrom doctors today, they have signed me off work for a month, but diod not want to give me anti-depressants as felt l should try without. I think l am just gonna adopt the, "l am dealing with it ok" attitude.
My teenage kids are trying to persuade me to go clubbing with them tonight, really not sure, l feel it is expected for me to stay home and feel sorry for myeslf, but part of me says it would be good... guess l will see how l feel later

Kate
6th October 2004, 07:09 PM
Hi Terry,

If your wife is determined to go you might consider reading the article Managed Separation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/managedsepn/) which suggests ways you can make the separation work for you both. Another book others have found helpful is Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/divorceremedy/).

Kate

Terry
7th October 2004, 01:57 AM
Went clubbing with kids, wife came as well, very awkward, especially when she got chatted up, l did not like that. We had a coffee in thjre krbab house after, she was still sure she is moving out with the kids. i still not sure if l should act upset, angry, try to beg her, or just appear accepting........

Concerned reader
7th October 2004, 09:03 AM
This is a very good sign....if she went for a coffee with you she is prepared to talk.

What would be likely to happen if you ignored the moving-out business (on the grounds that it is her decision) and simply asked her to make a date for the weekend, or the weekend after if that is not convenient?

It is a little unusual to be moving several streets away, but people can be together in very surprising ways.

Rejectedman
7th October 2004, 07:18 PM
Terry
All this sounds so familiar. 22 years, children, wife has no love, bored, whatever.
Take comfort that you are not alone, loads of us are in the same boat on the same journey. Keep swimming, breathing and hoping. It's hard not to want to tell spouses how you feel and often they do not seem to want to listen to your view when theirs is in the front of their mind (and you will always be looking at it from a different angle to them during the stressed times.) One thing is certain, only they can change their minds, we will not do it. Except by being the person they wanted all along - thats who they married after all. We all change with time, but i'm willing to bet it's the people they fell in love with who the "walking" spouses feel they have lost - and that works both ways, even for the one who isn't walking. After all, do you recognise the person who is wanting to leave ? or are they acting like someone you do not know ?.
I know what you are going through (see other threads from Rejectedman) and it is not easy.
Keep well, keep strong and keep hope.

R'man

Terry
7th October 2004, 07:41 PM
Thanks, so good to hear from someone who KNOWS.
You are right she has alaso changed, but, l accepted that. Anyway, what bugs me now is, how do l show her what l am feeling as she goes, do l pretend l dso not care do l buy her flowers and tell her l love her, do l say nothing. And, how long aftewr she has gone do l start to live again, how loing do l wait for her??

Jack
14th October 2004, 07:43 AM
Pal, do your self a favour if she is going to leave, there is nothing you can to to stop her. Yes, you can say that it is you that will change, and you do.

More often than not they will tell you that it is "you" that has changed, which is why they are going. the sad fact of the matter is that it is "they" that have changed.

They will not care about your feelings, how it will affect you. They will only think of themselves. They will not care how much you will ache and suffer, they will only do what is best for them selves.

What ever you do, if the worst comes to the worst is not to do anything silly. Especially if you have kids. You have to have a brave face for them.

My 1st wife ran off taking my son with her. There was no reason, NO NOTE to say she was going, I had nothing. So I do know what you are going through.

Mt 2nd wife does joke about leaving me, however she doesnt realise that it is in poor taste!!

Keep it real my friend, easy does it. They are ways to cope I can tell you and you'll be the better for it too.

If you need help to get through, Ill only be to glad to help.

Jack