Walking the plank

[Rejectedman]

How can so many years of Marriage just fizzle out to nothing ?
22 years together and now made to feel unwanted.
As previously posted as "put out with the rubbish" things just get steadily worse with time. My once warm and loving wife has changed into a new person with a mission - to remove me from her life. The feeling is like being on a gangplank with your arms tied - loss, uncertaintly, remorse, regret for whatever little things that added up to cause such bitterness and resentment to surface and drown her love for me, all these things and more swell up inside as I wait to be pushed off the plank into the abbyss of solitude and loneliness. It will happen some time soon when we separate and start new homes - a truly dark day to come.
Why did it come to this ? because we both got on with daily family life and forgot to actually be with each other enough times in the week to keep the spark going. When it comes to times of stress when you need that spark to help you get through things together, you find the spark has died in one of you and how can it ever come back ?. My spark still lives, strong and bright. I can not tell for certain when my spouse's spark for me faded. It used to be so strong and I just expected it to be there always. How foolish, how blind, how stupid. I thought that daily kisses and affection, some cuddles, sex when we were both in the mood, being there when help was needed and generally supporting the family by working to try to give a comfortable life, would keep the wheels of life and love turning. It seems i was wrong.
I take comfort in knowing how deeply I have been loved, but oh how painful to know it has been lost forever.

Oh so low, more lows in sight,
Life drains away, there's no more fun,
Loves dreams no longer come at night,
Darkness drowns the fading sun.

It's not the darkness that we fear,
The silence, emptiness and space
It's not having someone close and near,
The time to share, a kiss, your face.........

When all around us others share,
and we no longer talk,
it only makes it seem unfair,
that away from me you chose to walk.

X

[Alan]

Rejectedman - how I feel for you sir. I too am suffering the same pangs of pain.

I think tho' there may be hope in my case, however slim.

Your feelings are all over the place and beating yourself up on the 'why's' is understandable but not wise.

I understand the desperation.

Look after yourself.

[Concerned reader]

Rejected man, remember that people read the board and sympathize even if they do not always post.

Given that 22 years is a very long time and this personality change seems relatively sudden, is it possible to slow the process down and give everyone time to feel and think about the consequences?

Perhaps it does have eventually to be this way (who, apart from the two of you is in any position to evaluate the last 22 years?) but your image of being bound is telling. Is it possible to get legal advice on whether you really are obliged to go along with your wife's current preference in the time-frame she appears to be dictating?

If you believe your wife is making a mistake she is likely to regret it is not obstructive to ask this question. What people 'feel' about a situation is not the be-all and end-all of a process. One image that is sometimes used is of emotions as 'pop-ups', exactly like any computer program. A pop-up emotion is like a message from the operating system. Something needs attending to, but that does not mean everything has to be stopped to deal with it - much less scrapping the entire computer.

When feelings have changed dramatically but NOT for observable, independently verifiyable reasons then it is not just natural to ask 'why' but arguably a duty of care owed to someone whose emotions may be running away with them and to their ultimate detriment.

In the end she may still choose this, but I think you are entitled to establish whether her reasons are sound or capricious.

Your wife may be saying that after 22 years, there is no point in hanging around any longer. That is one way of looking at it. Another way is that after 22 years it is very important to spend that extra few months (which is nothing in the scale of things) being extra-sure that this is the correct decision. Such a slowing-down is not lack of energy or negativity; it simply allows time for mature, adult reflection.

My thoughts are with you both.

[Concerned reader]

Also thinking of you and your son, Alan.

[Rejectedman]

Concerned reader,
Thanks for that. You are right in most of what you say. We started the period of problem life only 3 months ago, during which we talked plenty - maybe too much without finding any mediation. My w made her mind up firmly about splitting up 2 months ago = she didn't really give us very long to sort it out. Legally, she made the first move by talking to her lawyer about legal separation, then bullied me into beginning to sell our house.
She is determined, focused and holding all the cards. Argue and you get hurt.
I do not know if she is hormonal, depressed or just flipped her lid. One thing is obvious, in her present frame of mind nothing will stand in her way.
Funny though, some days there are short but pleasant "normal" conversations over mealtimes or the like, about the day and what has happened, and other times there are nasty pointed questions like "have you come to terms with it yet ?" or "are you thinking positively about this yet?" or "why do you want to spend time with the children after we separate ? You didn't want to before !"( - which is FAR from the truth in any case).
This morning she was moody, upset and had no patience for the kids. Tonight she is more evenly balanced (but still splitting-up).
Roller-coaster ride eh!

[Alan]

I understand completely this roller-coaster approach.

One minute a perfectly ordinary conversation turns into a nasty situation, with wife gladly telling me that she 'still' does not like me (anymore) and 'it's time to face reality.'

She's probably right though. Who is getting the best out of this situation? Certainly not us poor saps clinging on for dear life.

We now all face a weekend of platitudes and pretending with all straws being clutched. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

[Anon]

Hi guys,

I really do feel for you both at the moment, as you probably feel like your lives have completely been turned upside down.
But as hurt and upset as you are feeling you need to show your W how strong you are.
Do a complete 180 of what you have been doing - the complete opposite. So if you have been quiet on front of them and upset/withdrawn etc be the complete opposite. Take control of your lives, act happy, contented and as though you are getting on with life without them. Even if it is killing you inside ACT AS IF whilst you are in their company, and let it all out once they are not around.
Read the book Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. If gives rerally good advice not only on how to deal with your W's but also on how to make yourselves feel better.

Good luck to you both - let us know how you get on, we are all here to support you

Anon

[Rejectedman]

Hi

Tried a slight 180 (more like 120) but problem is my wife hasn't read the same book and didn't respond at all. Seriously, apart from her feeling low because it isn't going as fast as she wants, with her determination being rocked a little. Apart from people still asking her if she's doing the right thing, which gets the determination going again. The trainride to hell is still in motion and the doors are locked with the family inside. Tonight we sat and watched a film together (at opposite ends of the couch) but I now fel so down because the waves of feeling keep coming over me. The love is welling up inside me with no way of letting it out. Despite all the agonising hurt I know how deeply I love and care for her, want her to stay with me and am willing to work really hard at the marriage. Problem is, my walk away wife is actually mentally somewhere else and not receptive to anything so I don't give her the ammunition to throw back. No communication, good or bad. Empty. Lost. Screaming inside.

R.man

[Hope]

Rejectedman,

I love the way you describe your situation ….. you certainly have a way with words! Even though it’s all very sad I did chuckle at your description I quote “The train ride to hell is still in motion and the doors are locked with the family inside”. This is so very true and frustrating!

My husband has now been living with his new partner for over 3 months. I still miss him, I still love him and from time to time I get terribly panic stricken and can’t bear the thought of losing him. After 21 years together I’m struggling to let him go. He had his faults just like we all do and I try to remind myself that he’s not worth pursuing but unfortunately I still love him and want to work things out.

I haven’t read the divorce remedy book yet but does it offer any good advice? My moments of fear, insecurity deep love and panic give me an overwhelming urge to remind my husband what he’s thrown away etc. and that our problems could have been resolved if we talked. If I do say things like that he just goes quiet and says nothing. During our marriage my husband didn’t cuddle me much, he just didn’t seem to be that type but now that he only sees me twice a week because of the children he cuddles and shows affection towards me…….very confused! To be realistic my husband has left me to share his new life with another woman and I’m simply not required anymore, apart from being a good mother to our children. I’m afraid that over time my husband will regret getting divorced and that will be such a shame.

I feel as though my life is crumbling before my very eyes…… my fate is at the mercy of my husbands irresponsible behaviour and I just have to take whatever thrown at me…… life is so unfair.

Do you think that your wife will really go through with the divorce? I hope things get better for you.

Hope

[Concerned reader]

R.man, Hope is right - you should be doing more writing to a bigger audience.

As regards your train ride to hell - are you quite sure it is in motion? If the property market is a key issue in your case, it could be quite a time before the house is sold and when it does go your wife should factor in that she may have much less left to work with than she thinks.

She may be very cold at the moment, angry and frustrated, but since you are both quite likely to be in the same space for a while, it is in her interests to repair cordial relations. Not romantic or anything, just polite and cooperative. Is there any way to propose this? You would have to concede that you are not trying to do anymore than make this process tolerable.

From what you write, other people have asked if she is doing the right thing. This is polite-speak for 'are you sure - it looks like a bad idea to me' and is about the most which outsiders can say in disagreement. After all, we are not being asked for an opinion and we don't really know what goes on. Chucking in a 22 year marriage requires either a good reason or bad judgement. I have known examples of both.

Contrary to popular opinion, any lawyer your wife visited will have run through a list of things to check where her objective interests lay. They are obliged to give sound advice on matters of fact. They have to comply with the law and the client's instructions in the end, but if they think the client is acting against their own best interests, or that they may shortly regret the decision, they advise caution, not taking any irrevokable decisions, counselling, mediation etc.

Anyway, you are not doing nothing - you are standing patiently by while this ice storm rages round you. You are providing a fixed and reliable point and that is precisely the work required at this moment.

Maybe, with enough time, the situation may begin to look a little different to her. The light changes in the winter and it gets near to Christmas, and wouldn't it be convenient now to put this all on hold until, say, the January sales....

[Rejectedman]

Thanks people,

Today was a real low, again, when I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, who let me know that my w was full of anger and just wanting to go for good, as well as thinking that way for over a year. Nothing like a shocker eh! Why no cries for help - were those the odd nag ? boy did I miss that sign.
I wrote a letter of apology and regret, but don't know if I should leave it for her or not. Any thoughts anyone ?
I take the children on holiday for few days soon, so she will be all alone with her thoughts, she says she will enjoy herself but I know she will miss the kids - but not me.
I didn't consider my words to be skilled in any way, just trying to put into words the wild confusion which rips around my mind and body.
There is some comfort in finding people who share the problems, through experience, sometimes you can see hope in their situation, sometimes they can see some in ours. HOPE, hang in there. My w is not going to try (At least I don't think so) but YOU try, with luck you will feel the love again, and get the hugs and kisses you deserve. Those we all deserve.
R.man

[Hope]

Rejectedman,

Isn’t it funny how our partners can be so unhappy for so many years and yet they say nothing! I just can’t understand that. Personally I can’t hide my feelings and when I’m fed up I speak up! Its very sad that your wife didn’t talk about her unhappiness over the past year, afterall none of us are mind readers! My husband did the same and kept his feelings to himself….. It’s quite a selfish attitude really.

You asked if you should write a letter? Definitely YES! The one thing I believe in is speaking up about your feelings. Life is too short to keep things locked up inside and then spend the rest of your life having regrets about what you “didn’t say”. You may well spend hours composing a wonderful letter to your wife and she may still appear cold and distant towards you but at the end of the day written words can have a powerful effect on a persons feelings, plus the letter can be read over and over and over again – the words will stick in your wife’s mind even if it doesn’t change her mind! I recently sent my husband’s partner a letter. I wanted her to understand what effect the affair has had on the boys and myself. I asked my husband if she read the letter and he said yes “many” times. My letter has made NO difference to the situation but at least I had the satisfaction of saying my piece without any interruptions! Anyway if she didn’t have a conscience before she read the letter she most certainly will now! I didn’t write to my husband because I have sent many lengthy e-mails over the past 3 months and he doesn’t respond to the emotional ones! Personally I would give the letter to your wife and at least you can say that you did your very best even if it has no impact on her feelings.

I doubt my situation will ever turn itself around. Its just wishful thinking on my part! The trouble is with me is that I’m a very determined woman and I don’t give up very easily but my husband tends to take the easy option of not trying. I guess he’ll start doing his thinking 10 years down the line when he thinks about everything I put into the marriage etc. Hopefully by then my life will have taken a new direction and I’ll be happy and content…… dream on, dream on!!!

My solicitor has advised me that the Decree Absolute will be complete within a month or two….. what a wonderful Christmas present I’ll be getting this year (NOT!!!!).

Perhaps your wife just needs some time and space alone to understand her feelings a little more. Its difficult for us rejected souls to understand all of this and very frustrating but some couples do resolve their problems over time. It will be interesting to see how your wife feels on your return from your holiday – she may miss you? Try not to speak to her whilst you’re away…… sometimes “absence does make the heart grow fonder”. Try to enjoy the holiday. Take care.

Hope

[Alan]

My advice? Write the letter, but don't send it.

The words you will write will come from deep within your soul, but as it stands just now your wife will just scoff and scorn.

Your holiday should be a good idea.

I pray for you, your wife and your family.

[Rejectedman]

Alan and Hope
thanks for the replies. It seems like only the three of us, with maybe Spring, are exchanging views right now. We are all struggling with our situations and would probably welcome additional views. I know it took a lot of courage to start into the discussions, but sometimes it really does help, even if only a little some days.
Maybe I will leave the letter for my wife to find after we have gone on holiday. That may seem a coward's way out, but I just can not be doing with the wall between us with her lobbing grenades over at any opportunity.
My w saw a house today and likes it. Although my heart wasn't in it, I saw one as well, which would be ok I suppose. At lunch today both kids told my w that they did not like the situation and didn't want us to split, also my eldest said that she "had a good husband and why leave him behind ?" which I didn't expect her to come out with. The reply was that I just continued to avoid her so what difference did it make. That was just flat untruth as she is the one who is avoiding me and will not allow me any opportunity for discussion. Except that is when she tries to get me to agree on how we will split the house - a subject I am avoiding since until the house sells there are no details to discuss.
I am going to try really hard to make the holiday a good one for the children, so hopefully I will get pleasure out of it too.
On a down note, I have now lost over 1 st in weight over the last 3 months, clothes hang and I don't think I look better for it. The stress and strain are getting to me and I find it hard to know what to do to protect myself from the ravages. There is no escape, mentally or physically. If I had ever been a real Bas***d, or selfish, I would not have cared about my wife or our marriage, and no doubt would have simply gone by now. Unfortunately, I pay the price for really caring about all this, worrying about our lives and wanting to comfort my wife, make her feel better, valued and loved, and hold her close again. Ah, dreams again.
No more threads for a while. Will look in again in a week.
Good luck to all, chin up and lets pray for some miracles.
R.man

[Alan]

Aye, have a good holiday sir.

There is no magic cure to these feelings which at times are overwhelming.

'Keep busy' is the advice. It does help for a little while to be distracted, but reality soon bites back.

I'm up early today - cleaned the house from top to bottom - waiting for my son to come home. My wife won't be bringing him back though, it will be her brother.

I truly fear that my marriage has indeed been put out with the rubbish. That said I continue to hope and pray (though the DB books suggest praying is futile!).

A tough week ahead with school holidays. My son will be in child care Mon to Wed and I've managed to wangle Thursday and Friday off. Wife's parents return from holiday on Friday.

My plan is to have no contact with her save for my son wanting to speak to her. It will be really hard as this was my action for last week and it failed. I need to be strong here.

I empathise with the weight loss ; in three weeks I've lost half a stone and on a slim frame, it does me no favours.

Anyway, take care everyone.

Alan

[Kate]

Dear Alan,

I just wanted to say that prayer isn't futile. I believe that God cares about everyone and even if things don't end up goign the way we want, I have always found that I have been given the strength and wisdom to face the situation.

I pray that you will also find the strength and wisdom for all you are facing.

Kate
:)

[Alan]

Kate

Many thanks. I was pointing out that the inference in the DB books that wishing and praying is not something that works for saving marriages.

I'm not particularly religious but in the last wee while I have prayed quite often. As a source of comfort I don't know if it achieves that, but I will continue with it regardless.

Alan

[Alan]

Well another strange week in limboland.

My wife is really srewing with my emotions.

She tells a friend on Saturday that she has made up her mind to come home and in a telecon last night she tells me that "nothing I can say or do" will make any difference whether she comes home or not.

In true DB fashion I just listened, didn't whine and agreed. Not doing any good I hasten to add. I still detect real venom in her voice.

We go to my work colleague's wedding reception on Friday evening - the subject of our phone call - and she tells me "not to expect miracles".

This is a living hell.

And do you know what really cracks me up? During our 20 min phone call not once did she enquire after our son. Not once.

It's school holiday week and I've had to really juggle childcare, job and family to maje sure the wee fella is safe and secure, yet not one word of enquiry.

Jeez, through all this I still love her, care for her and desperately want her home so that we can begin again.

As the days turn into weeks, I get less hopeful while the pain grows stronger and deeper.

Do thigs for myself I'm told. What does this mean exactly? I've tried concentrating on other things - work, hobbies etc - but at the end of it all the pain and feeling of loss is overwhelming.

I've now lost three quarters of a stone in four weeks. My concentration levels are poor and yes, perhaps I'm feeling very, very sorry for myself, however I'm at a real loss to make any sense of this.

What have I done to make my wife's life so bad that she chose to abandon it?

I've been up since 6am this morning. I've cleaned the (big) house ; changed bedclothes, attempted an ironing, about to goto the dentist, yet still feel it is all very pointless.

When out I plan to visit a local church to pray. Will God listen? I hope so. I truly hope so.

[Concerned reader]

Alan, I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad. It must take an enormous amount of courage to keep calm, but I'm sure you are doing the right thing.

The words 'doing things for yourself' have always struck me as ambiguous, too.

What I take them to mean is that in such a situation the partner becomes the whole focus of your waking and sleeping hours and you find yourself emotionally concentrating on them, which is entirely understandable.

However, this means that you are 'squeezed out' of the picture yourself and Alan's food, Alan's sleep, and Alan's general health are not given the attention they deserve.

Since you can't 'fix' your wife, the only person who is there and can be worked on is you, so you might as well 'do something for yourself'.

I'm not saying you have to be selfish and put yourself first, I'm just saying that your body and mind are of equal value to everyone else's.

Unfortunately, in this situation your are responsible for looking out for your son and that means that you will necessarily be in second position for a while. But I don't see why you have to come third.

How are you sleeping, if at all?

[Alan]

I'm sleeping OK. I've always been a light sleeper anyway, so no real change there.

Feeling a wee bit better after some lunch and a talk with my brother.

I'll take tomorrow night's excursion as it comes, with no expectations.

My son is remarkably coping well with all of this ; but as I've posted before, just now it's all a game.

All of this sounds so dramatic, especially when others have 'real' problems, such as health and employment issues, and to be honest I feel bad about bleating all the time.

That said, I've never, ever felt this way before and if there is any positive to come out of this it is my new attitude to things I previously took for granted. The increased time spent with my son is a real bonus and regardless of what the future brings, I'll not be putting anything other than him first.

I've set some goals today too. This situtaion cannot continue for ever,so I'm putting another month on my wife being away and if in this time she has not made a decision, I will need to make one for both of us.

Limboland is no good to me. As much as I want her back and as much as I love her (and I always will), focusing on something that may not happen for ever will be too much.

I have a business to run and responsibilities to my employees and there must be something in it for me too.

Thanks for 'listening'.

[Rejectedman]

Alan + others,

difficult to realise that a week has passed already since my last posted thread.
I took the girls on holiday and we did our level best to have a good time.
They appreciated me being with them but did occasionally miss their mum, as did I a lot, it was made harder by lots of full families being apparent where we stayed, we of course being missing one quarter !.
We were able to talk a little about home and situations, which they wanted to, but tried not to dwell on it all, just enjoy the break.
A strange twist before we left however, being my w left her w ring off which my youngest found and wondered why she wasn't wearing it ! a stunner for me too since we are not yet appart. On our return, the mood was even more resiliant to reconcilliation and the absence of ring was because "the marriage was over legally when she visited the lawyer, so why wear the ring ?".
My w persisted in telling me that there may have been a chance earlier on, but because i had talked to so many of "our" friends to "get sympathy" (Trying to understand the actions and if i had missed something is nearer the truth) then that just made her feel more justified in pushing on with her desire to split.
She had missed the kids, enjoyed the break and generally come to the conclusion she was totally correct and clear on what needed to happen.

Hope has disappeared for me, prayers are not being answered and I can not find a single positive to concentrate on. This makes me now hopeless for the kids, despite having looked after them all week. Without their mum, who i still love and adore, reinforced by seeing her again when we got back, i just do not know how to go on. She admits there have been good times and she will enjoy the memories, also that she must have loved me in the past. BUT, she will not invest in us any more, it's over, there is no future and forget any possibility for the future.
She is convincing me with every word that i have made a complete mess of the marriage, destroyed our family and wrecked any chance to mend it. What sort of idiot have i been. Why did i not see ?

Rman

[Concerned reader]

Dear R.man

You have managed to take the girls on holiday and this is greatly to your credit. Sometimes positivity is not how you feel, but what you do despite the most difficult of circumstances.

From what you say, your wife is indeed determined. Now, determination can be a virtue in some things, but from what you say she is confusing determination with obstinacy. Determination takes all realistic factors in to account. Obstinacy ignores them.

For example, I absolutely guarantee that no qualifed lawyer EVER said that the marriage was 'legally' over when someone visits them. It ain't; that's why you can be jailed for bigamy if you get re-married before the court says you are done. Your wife is just pasting her preferred meaning on things. This is a trivial example.

More serious is the business with the house, which (were the boot on the other foot) she would possibly be staying in until the children are old enough. Some couples do liquidate the property and start again, but it is for the courts and the lawyers to help you reach an accommodation in this. If you have not got your own legal advice I cannot strongly enough urge you to get it now.

They can tell you more, but your wife should also read today's report in the Times on likely fall in house prices - and the fact that the market is going as flat as a pancake. If she is so determined, it may be better for her to rent a place for herself and leave you, the girls and the bulk of the capital where it is for a few years. Do, please, get outside financial advice.

I am so sorry it has come to this. Do ignore the next question if it is an imposition, but what exactly did she complain about?

[Rejectedman]

Dear Concerned Reader

Thanks for your comments.
She won't rent and leave, neither will I and frankly I have been holding out for a reconciliation, which does'nt seem on the cards at all.
The main background was in "Put out with the Rubbish" thread and before that as a reply to Confusedman in "Battleweary".
In a nutshell my w blew up and stated that I did not value her opinions because I didn't respond to her infrequent nags and never had done, also I did not spend enough time with her, put my work first, always had to be pushed to do things that she wanted to do, didn't look after my health - brought on by stress at work I might add, trying to keep my job to bring home an income to support my family. Generally the sort of things that busy modern families get involved in with 2 young children, that causes time constraints to enjoyment for a few years. She felt lonely, but hadn't said so. Sex was when we were both in the right mood, but did result in it being very good when we got it together.
I suspected hormones, affair, depression, mid-life crisis, but to this day do not know what it is. I do think there has been some flirtatious passing interest with someone we know, but this has only recently shown any real evidence. It may have been contributary along the way, but he has only been an aquaintance of ours for just over a year.
Today has been really low, but I am amazed myself how I continue to have such strong feelings for her even though she is seemingly trying to hurt me and push me away. As I said before, if I had been a selfish person who didn't care, I would have given up months ago. Or is it selfish to try and keep someone you think you love. Is it love ?.
God I wish this bad dream would end and I woke up to days like it used to be - happy, loving and fun, always looking forward to coming home.
R.man

[Alan]

My goodness how I sympathise with you sir.

My last week has been hell with a new accusation, similar to yours, that by sharing my feelings with others reinforces my wife's lack of trust in me.

She has chosen not to offload on anyone, thinking I would do the same.

I spoke to her mother in the first few weeks and my reasoning here was to simply tell her how much I missed her daughter and generally talk about my feelings. This, with hindsight, seems to have been very, very wrong. It's been painted as if I was trying to paint my wife as a harlot and some sort of charlatan.

THIS WAS NEVER NOR WOULD IT EVER BE THE CASE.

I'm shattered. My wife is now heading further away from me, accusing me of deceit and lies which was never my intention.

If I was hurting before, boy this feels ten times worse.

We are now into our fifth week apart. Time is passing but I see no end to the strife and the misery. I don't think I'm going to be afforded this chance I need and it is cutting me up. Big time.

I missed work yesterday and today while I'm here I can't concentrate at all.

I'd dearly love the opportunity to fix what is wrong ; I can't understand how this can be done without getting back together.

Is sharing feelings so wrong?

[Alan]

Well, I going to share again.

Following on from the accusation that sharing my feelings with others, especially with her mother, I'm now told that my wife's chances of coming home are 'slim to none'.

What have I done to deserve this? I really, really don't know.

I've tried my level best in the last 4 weeks to work this out. I truly feel though that any chance of reconciliation has been blown. This failure is down to me ; by sharing my feelings - something I've never done before - I've unwittingly set things back.

My wife now wants no contact save for necessary talk and has requested that I send her passport to her (why?).

She has demanded that I no longer speak to her parents or any of 'her' relatives and has warned me that 'I'm in for a big shock'.

Yet thru' all of this hell, I can't help but want her home. Am I daft?

Criminals get 2nd chances, so why not me?

You guys will have heard this next bit before I'm sure, but writing it down, for me, re-inforces my thoughts - I can make the necessary adjustments that can make my wife happy again.

Throughout the pain, I've learned a few things about myself and understand some of the reasons why my wife thought she should leave. I'm determined to make those changes, but how can I demonstrate this by myself?

The demand for her passport is a woorying development. She says she's not going on holiday - not that I mind if that is what it takes - but won't say why she suddenly needs it. All sorts of things are rampaging through my mind.

[Concerned reader]

Dear Alan

Sharing feelings is not wrong, but it does make a difference where you do it.
If sharing feelings is the issue, it may be better to off load on to people who are not involved in the situation.

That said, you may have to politely explain to your wife that adults are allowed to speak to each other and do not require her permission. Before you do, though, remember that works both ways and she does not require your permission either.

Please do not be too angry at the next part. She doesn't have to demand her passport. It is technically the property of the government (that's what it says inside mine) and the only other person with a rightful property interest in it is herself.

I'm surprised that she didn't make sure she had it or take it with her. However, she does not have to give any explanation as to why she wants it. It is just her property and it will not help at all to quiz her on this. A child's passport you hold on their behalf. An adult's is their own.

Unless there is something else about the passport which you haven't said here, do not get in to a dispute about this.

BTW, after all the money laundering regulations and stuff, I've had to present copies of my passport to a bank I've only been with these past 30 years. And they can't do cash over the counter unless I produce TWO forms of ID, excluding their own cards! The only other ID theywould accept is personal identification by bank staff - so it's lucky I'm mates with a few of them. Job applications, savings accounts, almost anything official - they all seem to want to see a passport these days.

[Alan]

Dear Alan

Sharing feelings is not wrong, but it does make a difference where you do it.
If sharing feelings is the issue, it may be better to off load on to people who are not involved in the situation.
I think you are right here. I made an error of judgement in speaking to her mum, but it was not done out of malice, more a cry for help if truth be told.

I fear now that I've just completely lost her.

[Alan]

OK, here we go, weekend hell approaching.

Just spoken to my wife after a week of no communication. She texted me wanting to see our son this weekend.

I phoned her in response. I told her that my son and I had plans for Saturday - a trip into Glasgow - and if she wanted, we would be delighted if she came along. If not, I would step aside and she could take him (he's looking forward to it) and maybe stay over with her at her mums, if he wanted to.

Her response to going together was a firm no ("nothing has changed, I don't want to spend time with you").

On the subject of her taking our son, I was met with accusations of running her life again and why did we make plans when "you knew I would want to see him!"

I couldn't have a go back ; my fight is almost gone.

With no contact from her until today, with a terse txt message, what am I supposed to do in the interim? I'm sticking to the agreed rules but yet being punished twice?

I then got a tirade of how he is with me 24/7 and that she demands time with him. I resisted stating the obvious.

This situation has been 5 weeks now. 5 weeks of pure living hell. There are no good days and everything I do, or not do, is not working.

Should I just call it a day and ask her the question if she wants to come home or proceed to the divorce courts? I don't want the latter, but nothing, in my wife's words I "can do will make any difference."

I'm a wreck at work, business is really suffering and I find myself crying every night with overwhelming feelings of doom at the thought of life apart from her.

I'm being doubly punished for being a bad husband (a liar and a control freak, apparently) and for changing my approach in the last weeks in an attempt to change.

I need that second chance. Really need it.

[A FRIEND]

Very tough looking situations I must say. But not so bad that God cannot come through for you if only you would ask him in. He changes seasons and he makes that which is impossible to become possible. For the bible tells us that with God nothing shall be impossible.

Don't give in to frustration. I pray for you that the Peace of God overwhelms you right now and settle you. I pray that God will break through every barrier (emotional, psychological) that is threatening the union with your wife and I pray that God will cause the heart of your wife to be turned to you and that you will both be reconciled in JESUS NAME amen.

Shalom
Your friend in Christ

[Alan]

I'm not sure about the power of prayer. I admit to turning to it rather more frequently in the last few weeks, but is it not just wishful thinking?

Thanks though for your thoughts and indeed prayers.

[Hope]

Dear Alan,

After my husbands 2 year affair he is now living with his new partner. It’s been 3 months of pure torture for me. I’ve had good days and some VERY low days. I’ve even phoned the Samaritans a couple of times during my very low moments of desperation. Some times I can’t see how my life will ever be happy again without my husband. I shared 21 years with him, we grew up together from the age of 17 and I can’t adjust to life without him.

I have two children and they have been wonderful and have helped to keep my spirits up when I’ve been feeling sad and low. I know just how you are feeling Alan. Every day is a struggle and every day we have to battle with yet another emotion – its such a struggle isn’t it?

If your wife is just feeling lost and confused she may in time be prepared to salvage your marriage but at the moment she sounds a little angry. If she continues to insist your marriage is over then that would be a great shame. Over the past week my husband has given me the impression that he doesn’t know if he loves his new partner after all. My husband’s affair has ended this marriage, destroyed my trust in him, the only man I have ever loved and now he sounds as though he doesn’t even love the O/W. My husband appears lost, confused and doesn’t seem to know what he wants from life apart from working night and day (he was married to his job!). It’s very sad to think that his lack of communication has ended this marriage. I think he has many, many regrets with regard to his actions.

Perhaps your wife needs more time on her own. You haven't been separated for very long and I do believe your wife will mellow over the next month or so. My husband was very defensive at first - he is now reasonable, mellow and actually very nice towards me. Don't rush into filing for divorce - try to be patient so that you can at least evaluate your wifes true feelings. During the first couple of months partners say upsetting things to each other and I don't think anyone speaks with clarity of mind. Anyway, look at it this way, if your wife doesn't change her feelings towards you or the situation and her mind is set to divorce then at least you can say that you were sure it was what she really wanted. It would be a shame to suffer feelings of regrets many years later.

I hope your wife has a change of heart – I’ll be thinking of you. Best wishes.


Hope x

[Alan]

Hope

Many, many thanks for your kind and thoughtful words.

Yes, time is probably what my wife needs. And yes, you are right, she is very, very angry at me.

I'm not 100% sure why, but it's a fact nonetheless.

6 weeks seems like a lifetime. It is!!

We had another bad weekend, and she is not receptive at all to talking to me. The frustrating part here is that to demonstrate change we need to be together yet this hurdle is so high.

For me this is week two of the new goal plan.

Rejectedman's words "being put out with the rubbish" are so true. That's truly what it feels like.

But I'm comforted by all the words of encouragement I receive here. Time passes, the pain continues.

[Rejectedman]

Hi all,
I just thought I would pop back to my thread and update, but theres too much to say.
High days and low days. Today a heated discussion about how to divide material items and value of house, if and when sold.
How petty and pathetic it all becomes. It certainly is not the true value of a marriage, but how degrading it makes the experience.
I am becoming more resigned to a life without my love and friend. The person before me is sooo changed, so bitter, resentful and unloving - even repelling from me being close by.
The last moment of light at the end of the tunnel was when she said "After we split, ok i may think it was the wrong thing to do in a year or more, but I will not give you that hope, I just dont like you any more"

It's the change in outward behaviour which is so shocking and hard to comprehend. Inward behaviour and feelings of hers I could no longer guess what they may be now or have been in the past. The reality I perceived has had doubt poured all over it.

Tough each day.
The kids are the only refuge, at least they give love to parents without prejudice and conditions. We are all they have known and such a pity we seem to have let them down by not being able to maintain a stable relationship.
No Answer, No hope.


R.man

[Hope]

Hi R.Man

Nice to see a post from you again.

Its all such a struggle. It’s very stressful when you have to divide up the marital items and the home. Its almost too much to bear when your partner turns cold and uncaring after so many years of marriage – it must have been unbearable to hear your wife say that she doesn’t even like you anymore! I can’t imagine anyone saying that to a partner and I feel very sorry for you for being on the receiving end of that comment. My husband in the very early days of our separation told me that he’d fallen out of love with me and that he was inlove with his new partner and that hurt me very much. A few months have passed us by and now he’s saying that he hasn’t fallen out of love with me and still has feelings for me but he just feels we “don’t get on anymore”. It doesn’t matter what our partners say because the very fact that they no longer want to share their lives with us extremely hurtful.

You say that your wife said that she may think that your separation was the wrong thing to do in a years time etc. My husband has said the same thing! Its truly bizarre – its almost as if they’re not sure about what there doing and yet their quite happy to destroy the marriage and then sit back one day and dwell on the fact that they made a mistake. I can’t get my head round all of this…… I know what I want out of life ….. surely its not that difficult to be happily married?

Keep soldiering on…. Things can only get better!

Hope

[Alan]

Hope, Rman and others

I had promised myself not make any more postings for a wee while. I was hoping that things would show some signs of improving, but sadly I'm getting resigned to the fact that my wife, confused as she may be, does not want to be married to me anymore.

I'm going to ramble a bit here ; I'm on my own, it's a Saturday night and despite my positivity from earlier in the week, I'm not daft, I can see what's on the cards. This forum is my only therapy ; my (few) friends are bored with me and my immediate family really don't understand.

So, why so depressed? I hate being on my own in our home. When my wife and I bought it, we had saved hard and since the purchase spent a lot of time making it into a home. Not having anyone here on what was my favourite night of the week, is truly depressing.

That part aside, the ending to my week was very difficult with several issue arising.

I'm a (junior) partner in a local business. Since my darling wife decided to move out, my work has suffered. Big time. My responsibilities within the business are important and I'm afraid my performance levels have not been acceptable. I like my job. I'm not 'married' to it though ; I like to think I had that balance correct.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my partners called me to a meeting on Thursday where I was given an ultimatum ; shape up or ship out. Phew, just what I needed eh? In a way, I don't blame them. I've really not had time for my work. My head 'n' heart are not in it, and with the extra responsibility of being my son's full-time carer, I shouldn't be too surprised.

BTW, I'm not looking for sympathy here. Far from it. My own self-pity are to blame for my colleague's angst.

I then get a curt e-mail from my wife asking about arrangements for the weekend. Friday morning, and this is the only contact we've had for a week and in that time no enquiries about our son. After the events of last weekend, I did not make any plans.

It was arranged that I drop our son off at her mums today at dinner time. My instructions were to pack an overnight bag in case he wanted to stay. No problem.

Arrive at mum-in-laws house. Acted cheery and had a wee conversation with mum in law. Saw W for about 10 secs in which she said "are you still here?". In true DB style, said nothing, smiled, gave son a hug, mum in law a hug and left.

Sounds not too dramatic, but it was real frosty the whole atmosphere. OK, get home, have something to eat, complete a few domestic chores and fall asleep. Wake up to my mobile phone ringing - txt message from my wife.

She tells me that our son will be staying overnight and that when he comes home tomorrow, she won't be bringing him as she "does want to see my pathetic face"!

Nice eh? I'm feeling really, really low. Why is she so angry? What have I done that is so bad? Instead of things getting easier, they are getting worse and I'm agreeing with Confusedman that no matter what we do, if the walk away spouse does not want to reciprocate, we have no chance. None at all.

Hope - your story is one of resilience and I admire your courage and patience. Life is far too short though.

I miss my wife terribly and her indifference to me (and, it has to be said our son) is the most frustrating part of it all.

This 'doing things for yourself' advice is one I'm really struggling with. How exactly is this achieved?

Sorry for posting again guys, it's just that the weekends are the worst.

[Concerned reader]

Dear Alan

We are still listening. Thanks for posting.

[Rejectedman]

Hope, Alan,

Thanks for posting.
Hope, to begin with when my wife gave me the "Wakeupcall" she only said she had decided she did not feel any love for me due to bringing out all the bottled up negative feelings, resentment, anger and bitterness. I had not experienced any of that from her at all during our marriage. She said she had been putting on a front for some time, to which i can only say it must have been successful cause me, kids, relations and friends had no clues either. We had been a normally affectionate and physical couple. Only now after she has drawn a line and fixed her mind to splitting has she begun to say she does not even like me and finds it difficult to be with me at all. This is no doubt the frustration of wanting to break away but having to wait for house, timing, etc. to fall into place.
There are still normal conversations and moments of shared humour and discussion - that proves mentally to be frustrating when it differs from what was being said.
I do not find it easy to endure the swelling feeling of loneliness, receiving no love from my closest friend and not being able to express my love and affection in physical terms, while any verbal terms are scorned at, even for comments or compliments. The latter were always given in the past and it is just part of me to do it. I know from the day we part I will miss her dreadfully, as I am missing her now with the distance between us and she is still in the house.

Alan, really sorry to hear of your work pressure. I sympathise, as i know how hard it is to concentrate at work when all these emotions and thoughts are swamping your day at every turn. Coping is a huge strain and exhausting.

Tonight we discussed how things were going to be divided. God but that was not a happy task. How can two human beings get to such a stupid situation.

Weekends have stopped being the pleasure they once were. It used to be a time for the family. Now the family no longer exists as such, joint activities do not happen, it is just disjointed bits and pieces around the kids routines and mealtimes. The joy of the weekly refuge of friday night through to sunday night, all together and comfortable, has gone forever.
Still finding it VERY difficult to find anything positive to hold on to.
R.man

[Alan]

Aye, know exactly how you feel R.Man about the weekends.

Worst days of the week for me now.

I read Divorce Remedy from cover to cover over the weekend. Some very good points are made in the book too.

Given that my spouse has 'left the building' the only relevant part is the Last Resort Technique (LRT).

The advice is patience. Sure .........

As much as I want my wife back home (and I do, achingly), acting out the LRT will not work unless there is willingness from the person who chose to walk away.

The book of course gives a warning that no remedy is guaranteed but that by at least trying, you will feel better. Hmmmm .... got to say I don't agree with that.

I'm in week three of my 'dark' phase. It has made no difference. I'm going to have to face facts that my marriage is over and no amount of wishing, praying, crying, pleading or begging (or indeed none of the above) is going to make any difference.

In limboland, where I am right now, is fast becoming the norm. Life is crap. Get up (early), go to work, eat and then wait for the refuge of sleep (when it comes). And so it goes on.

Usually we would be planning for Christmas and the joys of that season. Life sucks eh?

[Anon]

Hi guys

I totally agree with you about weekends. Even though my situation is moved on and my H and I much closer to getting back together the weekends are the worst.
As you said I think its becuase in the past weekends have always been for spending time together with the family so you miss that most.
My H and I have a great week, but any problems or arguments that ever arise between us now always happen at the weekend.
I beleive weekend should be family time, my h believes weekends should be to a certain extent personal space time with his mates.

Its a hard one, but what I have started to do is plan my weekends now as best I can with a view to not seeing my at all. I plan shopping trips iwth my daughter or visits to my friends or nights out etc.
That way when the weekend arrives I feel like I have something to look forward to, rather than dreading it.
In the beginning when my H and I split up I made sure without fail that every weekend on one night I went out for a night on the town with my friends.
This really helped me and helped me get through the weekends as well.

Anon

[Rejectedman]

Anon, Alan, Concerned reader,

Well another week goes by. No better, maybe worse. Hard some days, just keeping head down and avoiding conflict for the rest.
I can not believe it is now 20 weeks since the balloon went up and 12 weeks since the affection barriers went up. I think by early next year the split will be complete, there seems no stopping it. Christmas will be the worst on record, only being held together for the kids - I hope we hold it together anyway.
The stranger I have conversations with is just itching to get away.
I sometimes feel angry now, when I think of how she has damaged our lives. Is this going to grow ? will it begin to damage my feelings for her and ruin the memories of the past that i still hold so dear and precious ? I hope not.
I want to leave a path we can both walk, the "Reconcilliation Road", always there as a possibility, a hope, a dream. Am I mad or just dillusional ?
Although there have been tears (mine, hers were only at the start) I can't help holding back. They won't or can't come. Sometimes I feel fit to burst.
Every day as it comes, that seems the only way. The D remedy methods don't seem to have any effect. I wish she would read the book, or anything to rock the opinions she holds onto so tightly, unthinkingly, untested for reality. Maybe thats only my reality, not hers.

R.man

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Rman

Whether this helps or not, I don't know, but I pass it on anyway.

Over the w/end I have been reading some sociology, rather than the ususal psychology. A series of interviews with separating couples were held and repeated during the process. None of the cases involved objectively awful situations such as abusive marriages where almost everyone would accept that a divorce should be concluded quickly.

What emerged were some surprisingly consistent themes, one of which might explain your wife's apparent personality change.

The theory is, when a partner has decided to separate, they have to validate their choice. If the reasons are good there is no particular problem. Anger, yes, disappointment, yes, but in the wider western/secular society there is no shame in saying, for example "I will not put up with adultery".

But what if the reasons are less than good?

Answer - re-cast history and exclude any evidence that the marriage was ever any good. Ignore anyone who points out something to the contrary. Exclude, or threaten to exclude, anyone who does not offer unqualified agreement.

With sociology I usually find myself throwing he book across the room because it seems so reluctant to draw obvious moral or material conclusions from such evidence, but they have to be like that or they wouldn't get the interviews, I suppose.

The study doesn't track what happens to people five or ten years down the line (somebody ought to be doing that) but my guess is that a fair number of them come to regret their decision, given that I know of three couples who have got back together years after their original split.

They have to re-write the history they already re-wrote once.

So, if you want it, there is a sliver of hope that after the split your W may start re-drawing events to show how it was actually amicable, but the process takes years rather than months.

[Rejectedman]

Hi all,

well time flies, both nothing improves. My w has not left yet, but still insists the marriage has been over for months. She still tries to get her own way with everything, including arrangements for xmas, continuing to tell me who i can't talk to because they are her friends, i cant visit her relations as "they think its to awkward" and keeps saying "don't you hate me yet ?".
She has barbed comments every day, even in front of the kids and occassionally, like today has raging anger with telling me over and over again what and when i did things wrong, or in her mind never did anything or wasn't there at all. It is as if i have lived a parallel life, because i sure do not recall anything like what is being related to me.
Some days i feel i can see past this time, but others cause me to sink again.
Why is her anger getting greater. Is she trying to ruin all memories of the past, because it certainly is eroding my good memories day by day.

Xmas will be tough cause i will only see the kids on xmas morning and then for new year. This will be the first xmas mainly alone ive ever had.

Rman

[Hope]

Rejectedman,

Its nice to hear from you even though you’re feeling fed up!

You are a very tolerant man to have agreed to let your wife continue living under the same roof as you with her attitude towards your marriage. Perhaps its now time to give your wife an ultimatum and tell her that you can no longer live under these conditions. It sounds as though your wife if just throwing all kinds of conditions and harsh comments at you and you’re just letting her. I think its time to speak up and my guess is she’s seeing how far she can push you because she knows how much you still love her – its almost as if it’s a test of your love!

You say your wife keeps reminding you of where you went wrong within your marriage but it seems pointless to still be telling you if she’s not going to give you the opportunity to change – or perhaps she is hoping deep down that you can make things work out? It seems odd how your wife is happy to continue living under the same roof when she appears to be so unhappy….. sounds a bit confusing to me.

Christmas is going to be tough for all of us. My H is going to come over Christmas morning to see my children and then leave at about 2pm because I have an invitation else where with family. I am agreeing to let my H come over to my house in the morning mainly for my children’s sake because I don’t feel its fare to spoil things for them – it won’t be easy for me knowing that my H will then be going back to his O/W for the rest of the day. I guess sometimes we just have to do what’s right not what we necessarily want to do. I’m so sorry you won’t be with your kids I really feel for you as a parent and its so very sad but I don’t understand why you won’t be seeing them if you’re still living under the same roof?

Keep posting and let us all know how things are going.

Hope

[sennen]

Hello you sound to be in the same situation as myself but please hang on in there with hope, can I tell you my story ? My wifes father died in 2003 we were all deverstated he was a kind man, my wife and I love each other but we have carried emotional baggage with us for a long time , I thought my wife would seek comfort from me in the dark days that followed but I was wrong,she started a university course and become very distant from me I,ve always trusted her but I had a gut feeling something was going badly wrong I found she had been having an affair which I can tell you devestated me ,why did she do it ? that was six months ago I am still finding it hard to belive her she says nothing happend !Its taking longer than I thought to regain trust ,but were still together I worry at what she may do in the future ,we have two teenage sons ,the eldest sometimes says whats wrong with you dad I geuss he can see i,m not myself, my wife can be hard at times is she blaming me somehow for the death of her father ? I,m a self sufficient person good cook etc but if we seperated I know I would miss her so much am I playimg the victim ?

[Rejectedman]

Dear All,

Well, nearly a month has passed since my last post. What a month !.
Truely the worst Xmas I can remember, made tolerable by the best efforts of Brother and his family and some close friends keeping my head above water, while my w was away for xmas and had the girls with her.
New Year was better by having my girls with me at home, without wf though.
Other than odd days, as well as a recent spell, we have never spent so long appart. By her own account there is no turning back. Her anger and bitterness is leaving me feel like bruised meat with every barbed comment and outbust of why she has to tell me why it was all my fault. What happened to shared responsibility for failure ?. She now seems to enjoy telling me how she has in all probability never loved me at all and has been trying to get out of the marriage for as long as she has been in it. This bu**ers belief after 27 yrs and 2 children !. There has been complete denial of any activity with her now close friend, but in fact has seen him, been to xmas do's and was on the phone with him for over 20 mins talking about "the situation" a couple of nights ago. Some non-involvement ! , physical or not the "Green grass" is definately there for the taking. My problem is one of regret for allowing the weakness to grow over however many years it took, without me knowing, or it being made plain to me. So I feel a little cheated too.
Being strong and moving on ?, yes I know thats the route but just how is still tough to conceive. Kids are resiliant with it, my eldest (13) saying "Dad you wouldn't take her back now would you, after all the bad she's done to you ?". Truthfully, through all of it deep inside I do still love her, its just not in me to stop, ever. It would sure be a hard thing to do though.
Keep looking for reasons why. Realise now I spoke to some of the wrong people in an attempt to rationalise what my w was doing. They spoke to her and now she uses it as ammunition as to how i looked for sympathy and tried to get to her by using others. All that was the last thing on my mind, How do spouses look at things so differently to justify their own actions or feelings, I was stunned, searching for answers and to try to understand. She was fixed in her mind and would not see my point of view, even though I understood some of hers.
The next steps ?
Well, were still in the house together, but seperated it seems, all but legally, just waiting til she moves out and we share the kid' time between us, equally.
Will she change her mind now or in the future ? I very much doubt it. That green grass beckons and once away what motivation to return, none.
A turn in the corner of life is coming up, which way it goes is as yet unknown.
I feel strangely distant from it all, as if it's happening but not to me.

I wish for others that I could be painting "success stories" to aspire to, but alas for me it is not to be. For others I pray and hope a better path. I will keep watching mine and theirs.
Sorry for such a long thread, I know how difficult they are to read.

R.man

[Hope]

Hi R.Man

Firstly don’t apologise for the long thread!!! I’m the queen of “long threads” and can ramble on until the cows come home!!! Anyway, on a more serious note its great to have an update on your situation especially after following it for such a long time!

I don’t believe all this stuff about “never loving you” etc. Of course our spouses loved us at some point in time otherwise they wouldn’t have showed any love and affection and would have appeared miserable all the time. I think it’s more a case of they’re trying to convince themselves that they’re doing the right thing… perhaps they’re not entirely sure they’re making the right choices and it may scare them a little. Of course your W is unhappy for reasons of her own but may be she has to keep the “attitude” going just to convince herself that she’s not making a BIG mistake. I say that because my H, after he first left, kept saying “look at us we can’t even talk without bickering” and that was because he kept on causing the bickering! I have continued to be my reasonable self and now that he’s finally settled down we communicate well and even smile in each other’s company – we appear to be content with our friendship. However, he does give me the impression that the grass isn’t as green as first thought and I think he’s beginning to see me in a new light – perhaps after having time apart he now sees the W he fell in love with all those years ago? The sad thing about my situation is that we won’t be salvaging our marriage and that’s mainly down to me – too much hurt has been inflicted on me and I would be unhappy because of my H’s infidelity but I still love and care for my H and probably always will.

I think your relationship with your W will almost certainly improve when she’s moved out. The time apart will really help – it may help you to stop hurting and focus on you and your future plus if your wife does feel she’s made a mistake then the absence will help her to come to that conclusion.

Speaking to friends and family about the problems does often cause difficulties especially if you’ve spoken confidentially to them and they blab! Your wife may use it as ammunition yet again to try and justify her decision to leave? You say that there are a lot of success stories on “moving on” but I think many of us aren’t living with our partners and that definitely helps aid the recovery – I can’t imagine how I’d be feeling if my H was still here and there was an atmosphere all the time. I’m surprised your W hasn’t decided to move out immediately.

Christmas was pretty sad for most of us and I think that we were all experiencing our first one. I hated mine and the New Year was even worse! The one thing it did do for me was put me in a more positive frame of mind – I can’t turn back the clock, the damage has well and truly been done and so its time to make the most of my life. Just remember “we’re a long time dead and short time alive”! I know it’s not that easy to switch on the positive frame of mind but I do think you may feel better when your wife has moved out.

Keep us updated – it’s nice to know how people are getting on.

Take care
Hope x

[Rejectedman]

To Hope, Alan, and all the others who have shared the posts, and the lows.

Where do I start.......
Not surprisingly, the w has been heading her own way. But the pressure has diminished. I stopped expecting a future, she stopped attacking. From before Xmas i was resigned to loss. Somewhat distanced from the experience.....like an out of body....watching it happen, but not involved so to speak.
Birtday came and went with no mention...except from the kids, bless them.
So, single, resigned and a little low.....then out of the blue, contact from another female, via a website, living nearby. Talked, met, got on like a house on fire......oh how things can change when you least expect it. Never looked for, never expected, but over the hill comes the cavalry. Now happy, wanted, still resigned to changes, but positive for me. Also kids see a difference. All friends are happy for me and wish us well. Guess what, w is too...but showing being a bit miffed as well. Now really too late for going back....life is moving on.
So not the reconcilliation story for the hopefuls, but a change story for those with prayers.....you just dont know whos listening and how the problems will get sorted.
Alive again, as well as no longer rejected....
......time will tell.
Luck to everyone. To cure or solve your situation, or find peace in a new direction....whatever that may be.
All the best
Rejectedman (no more)

[Hope]

Hi Rejectedman,

Great to hear how you're getting on! I was so pleased to hear that you're now in a loving relationship. It must be wonderful to feel "loved" by someone again! Anyway I wish you all the best and take care.

Hope x

[Angel]

Great news rejectedman! All the best for the future - you are a lovely person! xx

[Jacks]

So pleased for you, I am on a downer at the moment and it is really great to hear something positive! I have been told time and time again, that I will meet someone when I least expect it and you are the living prove. Good for you.

Jacks
xx

[Alan]

Rman

Good news sir. Keep moving forward.

All the best
Alan

[Rejectedman]

Thanks to all you guys (and guyesses...) for all your kind words. I shall keep popping back to see how you are all getting on. Couldnt have got through all the tortured months without your support and friendship.

All the very best to you....keep your spirits up
Rman