joyless in FL

[Amy2773]

Hi - I am married less than 2 years. I got married "late" at 40 yrs (1st for me) to a divorced man w/2 children, who live w/Mom (in a different state). I never knew for sure whether I wanted any children; however, before we got married we got pregnant and we argued over whether to abort (I did not want to) so in trying to keep an open mind and see his "side" of the situation, I did some soul searching and reading and workbooks and decided that I could not imagine life w/out the joy of a child of my own. I ended up w/a miscarriage and I spoke to my fiancee (at that time) and asked whether he was open to having a child together, since he had 2 already (ages 11 and 13 when we were married), because I had realized through this experience how important an issue it is for me.

He said "I don't really think I want any more kids but if I didn't want any more kids for sure, I would have had a vasectomy. I'm open to the idea. I know you really want to have a child."

Now the discussions have begun, starting 3 months ago. He now says he does not want any more kids. period. (for many reasons which I won't get into right now) We've had 1 discussion, 1 blow-out fight, and the last time I tried to talk about it, he just kept changing the subject and trying to crack jokes and make me laugh (which, needless to say, just made me angry).

I am already 42. Time is running out. I feel like he lied to me. I also believe that if he said NO when I spoke to him about it BEFORE we got married I would not have married him and would have looked into adoption or fostering a child as a single mom....One of my friends has suggested that I just "get pregnant" but I do not think that is fair to either my husband or the child.

So now I have to decide whether to stay married to him. Divorce is a difficult concept for me, that's one of the reasons I waited until I was SURE I had found "him".

and are those my only options? stay or divorce? HELP!!!

Thanks, - A.

[pauliebish]

Having children is the most wonderful experience of my life and I believe no one should be denied the experience if it is their desire. Marriage is to be valued and treasured, but the love in a marriage and for a child are different. When I became a mother I found out what unconditional love was. Your right it is wrong to just get pregnant without your husbands consent. You would be doing your child an unjustice. You need to do some sole searching and decide if your marriage or being a mother is more important. If the answer is being a mother leave him for the greater dream. Other wise you'll end up resenting him and not being happy any way. If you think you are to old to have a child of your own adopt. Many children are in need of a loving mother. Hope this helps you.

[Amy2773]

Thank you; yes, it does help me quite a bit. You have validated my feelings about fairness to the potential child as well as the resentment (which is already building up...). I have alot of serious thinking to do...