Mentally unfaithful

[pb'swife]

My husband and I are young, and have been married for 7 years.
I am deeply in love with him, and through all the turmoil we have faced, I have never wanted to see our marriage end. Now I have completely blown it. I was flirting, what my husband says is more than flirting, with one of his friends. My husband told me that I was looking at his friend seductively, and that now he feels like some poor chump, because other men think I want them. The truth is, I definately don't want any other man in my life. I have however, always had a problem with desiring the attention of all men in general. Through a few conversations with my husband about why I am this way, he is finding that I have been telling him lies from the beginning. I have always been flirting with men. Not only that, but I have thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with many of them. To put the icing on the cake, I have even envisioned myself with one of these men while I was being intimate with my husband when we were newly married. Although I quickly pushed that thought out of my mind, it was still there. Now that my husband knows what I am capable of he very understandably has no trust for me, and no matter what we talk about in order to address this issue, he has no ability, or interest in believing me. I so badly want my marriage to be salvaged, but even if it is, I highly doubt we will ever have any kind of trust, or bond again. Has this situation ever happened to anyone? Is there anyting I can do to convince my husband of my love for him? As badly as I want to get rid of these thoughts, will I ever be a mentally faithful wife?

[broken_but_mending]

Hi PB's wife,

You sound very similar to someone I used to be close to. We were young when we met and were together for 8 years until she left me for someone else. Overall we had a good time together although she always seemed to crave the attention of other men and enjoy it. I understand that its nice to get attention but she used to flirt alot. It really bothered me throughout our relationship but she always assured me it was harmless fun. If a female showed any interest in me or gave me any attention at all she used to get very moody with me and not speak to me for days. I couldn't understand this...it was one rule for her and one for me. Can I ask if you are bothered about your husband receiving female attention? How would you react if he behaved like you do with men?

I trusted my girlfriend so tended to turn a blind eye to the flirting she did and just ignored it....unfortunately with one person in particular the flirting she initiated evolved into a relationship and she ended up leaving me to be with this person. It was a terrible shock to the system as I thought our relationship was going well, we always talked and sorted out problems and I don't think I neglected her needs in any way to force her to leave. Maybe she got bored with me but even as we were separating she would not tell me what was lacking in our relationship, she said I was 'too good for her and deserve someone better'...she just didn't want what I have to offer..something I'm trying hard to accept.

Your husband may be feeling very insecure about your marriage at the moment so you need to show him that you're serious about making the marriage work. Don't flirt with other men in front of him, my ex used to do it in front of me and it hurt..but I tried to let it go over my head. You just need to give him some reassurance that its him you want, its him you've taken your marriage vows with and its him you are intending on spending the rest of your life with. Is there someting lacking in your marriage that makes you flirt with men?

Best wishes

broken_but_mending

[pb'swife]

Thanks Broken_but_Mending,

I'm sorry to hear that your similar experience ended that way. To be perfectly honest, as much as I love my husband (and I do completely adore him), I have been attracted to other men. I definately have never wanted to pursue any of them. As a matter of fact, I think one of the reasons I enjoy flirting with other men is because I know it will never have to go any where. I have always made it more than obvious that I am married. Any time I have the opportunity I talk about how wonderful my husband is. There are of course some things lacking in our marriage, I think most marriages do have at least something lacking, but I don't think that has any thing to do with my desire to flirt. I never really knew it was such a terrible thing to do. I thought it was only kind of natural to be attracted to others as long as nothing ever came of it. Now that I see how much it has hurt my husband, not only that I did it, but also that I never told him, and even on few occations lied about it, I'm deeply regretful. I can kind of understand how he feels when he says that he feels betrayed. He is so hurt by it though, that he said he wants a divorce, he can never trust me again, I have ruined his life, and that I'm a dirty, emotional whore. He also wants specific details about who I may have thought about, what I was thinking about them, and exactly what I have said or done to get their attention. Did you feel the same way Broken_But_Mending?

When it comes to my husband recieving female attention, it doesn't bother me. I have to admit though, that when I think he is attracted to someone else, I get very jealous. That is why I'm feeling so bad about what my husband must be feeling.

Anyway, thanks again for your insight Broken_But_Mending.

[broken_but_mending]

Morning PB's wife,

I think at this time your husband's emotions are all over the place, I'm sure he does not really mean what he is saying to you. He's just very angry and hurt and when his anger dies down you can both have a talk about everything. Divorce is certainly not the answer here, you have made vows to each other and you must try and work together to get through this episode.

Human nature means that we will be attracted to other people - I have been when I was in my long-term relationship and I'm sure most people are. It's not an awful thing, its natural. I never pursued any attractions I had to other women because I thought I had too much to lose, we had a nice house and lived a comfortable lifestyle plus I was happy with my relationship. I thought we had the framework in place to prevent either of us from straying. Despite my ex's flirtatious behaviour I completely trusted her and did not worry. Sadly I was wrong and was devastated when she told me she had been seeing someone else. I felt hurt, angry and betrayed. Probably similar to what your husband is feeling right now. The difference is though you have only been flirtatious, my then girlfriend had stepped over the boundary.

When I found out I wasn't interested in exactly what went on between them, to me the admission that they had slept together was enough. I didn't want to know, I didn't want to have in my mind the details of my partner being intimate with someone else. That would hurt too much. You say your husband wants to know every detail about your thoughts etc…I never did but that's me and everyone is different. He's still hurting and I don't know if you should tell him everything. You need to be very careful and tactful with this if you don't want to hurt him any more.

He needs some reassurance. I think he feels that your behaviour with other men is undermining the marriage, to him there is a constant threat that one day you may give into temptation and leave him for someone else. Obviously you want to make your marriage work and are upset by how this is affecting your husband. Maybe if he knew exactly how upset you have been throughout this episode he would realise that he is the only one you want a future with.

My thoughts are with you throughout this difficult time,

Best wishes

broken_but_mending

[pb'swife]

Broken_But_Mending,

Last night I had another long talk with my husband. Since this all started, it was the first conversation we've had that he has told me he wants to make things work out. I really believe him. Before last night, it seemed hopeless because of the things he would say. I took your advice and expressed how much I love him, and am still passionate about him. I let him know exactly how I feel when I'm around him, and that there has never been a time that I felt like another man would even compare to him. He felt comfortable enough to let me know how he feels about me too. It's going to take a lot of repair work in order for my husband to really feel secure about our marriage, and how I feel about him, but at least we both know we want to be with eachother even after what has come to the surface. I'll always be able to show my love to him, but I'm unsure how I'm going to be able to offer the rest of what he needs. Like I said, he wants details. I don't think those details are necessary, or even helpful to our situation, but the only other option is to lie to my husband or keep secrets from him. I would love to have a completely open relationship, but in order for me to do that I would have to control my emotions and thoughts when I see some other men, and I'm not sure that's possible or even reasonable. Thanks again Broken_But_Mending, talking to someone who see's my husbands side of things has been tremendoulsy helpful. I hope everything works out for you.

PB'swife

[pb'swife]

broken_but_mending,

I'm having a hard time finding your thread broken_but_mending. Can you let me know what page you're on?

Thanks,

PB's wife

[broken_but_mending]

Afternoon PB's wife,

Great to hear that you and your husband have managed to have a good talk about everything. Communication is so important in any relationship and it sounds like you are both taking things in the right direction to get your marriage back on track.

I do not have a thread with my own story...my relationship ended back in March and I've been rebuilding my life slowly since then. I only found this website two months ago during one of my low patches. I was just looking at some of the articles to try and help me cope with my situation, I never did start a thread of my own although I have found some very good advice in the forum from people in a similar position. I've found this to be a tremedous help and some comfort knowing that I am not the only one going through a tough time. I have given some advice where I thought I could make a constructive input hence my response to your thread.

Its been tough but I'm slowly getting my life together again. My confidence and self esteem is returning and I'm getting happier within myself. I'm not on the lookout for another relationship at the moment, I need some time to adjust and get my emotions straight. 8 years with someone is a long time, I'm tremedously disappointed it ended the way it did but at the end of the day it wasn't meant to be.

Rebuilding your marriage will be a slow process and I hope everything works out for you in the future.

Look after yourself

broken_but_mending

[Idunnothisgoodenough]

PBs wife: Ask your husband if the two of you can go to councelling. It's an outward jesture on your part to show him that you are really HIS wife and you want to BE with him, not other men. It sounds like you definitely have a line drawn. You flirt, you may mentally wander; but you wouldn't act on your thoughts or act out on your desire for attention to look for physical attention. Fantasies are a normal healthy part of a sexual relationship, as long as everyone involved knows that's all they are; fantasies, little movies playing in your head that don't diminish the importance of your partner, rather help you enjoy your relationship with them more. But it's imperative that you both understand this and that is where a therapist may come in helpful. You also need to make sure that if he does embrace this and decides that he trusts you, you must reciprocate and allow him to mentally wander too. It must be completely mutual and there must be complete trust though or this could backfire. If you and your husband do go out together with other men present, it might not be so bad if you flirt with your husband craving the attention from him that you look for from other men. Get the attention of other men by making them think, "Man I wish I had a woman like that want me that bad." To top it off, your husband will be happier. Think back to when you were chasing him and trying to keep him for yourself. Who wouldn't love to feel wanted like that from their partner? Something so perfect about a new relationship...the newness of it all. That's what ultimately seperates the sucessful relationships from the failed ones. You shouldn't want your partner less over the years, but more. Make him feel that way, and not in a psycho-lover way either. Treat him like you did when you were dating and you decided "I MUST HAVE THIS MAN ALL TO MYSELF!"

Hope this helps!