Am I crazy or is porn OK?

[New here]

Hi... I guess I am just looking to get my troubles off my chest, as I doubt there is really a solution to this problem. But maybe people who have had similar experiences could share some advice for feeling better again.

I have been married for 4 months. The week before the wedding I found a lot (we are talking HUNDREDS) or porn videos on my husbands computer. I was devastated to say the least, but we talked about it and he said it was just something we did because it was a long distance relationship and I wasnt there to satiate his needs. I felt pretty bad about this for awhile, but he said he understood how hurtful this behavior was and he deleted all the files.

A few months into our marriage I was cleaning off the desks and found a pile of unlabled CDs, so I popped one in to see what was on it. They were all full of porn... at least 5 CDs worth. We had another discussion with me crying my eyes out, and he said it would stop, that he could be happy without it. But within I week I needed to know if this was true, so I looked on his computer and found he was right back to visiting porn sites once or twice a week when he was home alone.

He says he is happy with me, that he just likes variety. But if he wants variety, doesnt that imply that he isnt happy with me, that I am not enough for him? To make matters worse, we dont have sex unless I initiate it. When we were dating we couldnt get enough of each other when we were together, but now he barely looks at me, even if I put on lingerie.

I feel so ugly and inadequate when he does this, but after catching him last time I finally just told hi to do whatever he wants. The problem is that when I know he is home alone I am miserable and have to go into the bathroom at work so my colleagues dont see me crying. I feel like he is choosing porn over my happiness, because he knows how much it hurts me and he does it anyway. But I dont want to end the marriage over this. I still love him. I just want to find a way to feel better about myself even if he wont stop, since there doesnt seem to be a way to make him

HELP!!!

[Kate]

Hi there,

This is not your problem. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband has a problem however. It's not unusual for porn to interfere with a couple's physical relationship.

Why not have a look at some of the resources listed here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) about internet related infidelity and porn issues.

Kate

[New here]

I have looked through some of the old posts from people about similar problems, and although I am sorry for all of the pain others have gone through, it makes me feel a little better to know that I am not alone. I posted a similar message on another message board before this one, and I only got a couple of replies, basically saying that I am the one who is wrong, that all men do it and its ok, and that I am the one who should be sorry for "snooping." That one made me the maddest, because I wasnt snooping (at least not the first two times). I found the files on his computer by accident while looking for his music files, and since our computers are networked (by him) I assume that means I have every right to go onto it for legitimate reasons. The second time I was just trying to clean off the desks and wanted to know if the discs were blank so I could put them away, since they weren't labeled. I do admit the third time I intentionally invaded his privacy, but I needed to know if I could trust him again, and I honestly (or stupidly) thought that he would stop since he looked my in the eye and promised me he would. I thought I would find nothing and I could trust him again, but instead... well, dont I feel stupid now.

Explaining how I feel and crying just earns me lies, but I wonder has anyone here ever tried to make their man jelous to get him to stop? What if I tried to watch porn when he was gone and made sure he found out about it, and then just told him that its not him, I just wanted some "variety" which is what he always tells me. Has anyone tried this yet, and if so, does it work? Will it make him feel the same pain I feel and finally understand so he will stop?

Well, sorry to drag on, but finally being able to share these thoughts may help. I have been too embarressed to tell even my best girlfriends about this.

[Clarity]

NO, porn is not ok!

Your husband is being emotionally abusive to you.

He is pushing to see how far you will let him go. He is already getting you to question yourself. Who the hell cares if you were looking for porn on his computer? That is simply a manipulative tactic to try to get YOU to buy into his plan to make you think you are the one to blame. You can talk about privacy issues some other time! Stay focused on the real problem, pal.......

Men that have sex with their fantasies (via porn) instead of a real, live, loving wife have big problems. Hold on to the reality of the situation. If you just "forget about it" you are telling him, "ok, I am dirt. I have no respect for myself so you shouldn't either." Trust me, that is what he is hearing.

I know you believe you love him. Love is wonderful when you "feel" in-love, but that's just a small part of it. Love is a decision. You decide you will respect and stand by each other no matter what comes at you. In the years to come, you will have many many more experiences challenging your love from the standpoint of the true definition. So ask yourself, does he love you? He sure isn't acting like it. Are you sure you love someone who doesn't seem like he loves you?

Don't be afraid to take a stand and mean what you say. If he loves you, he will grow up quick and realize he doesn't want to lose this privilege of having a wonderful woman like you to love him. If he doesn't, then this is the reality he chooses. You have to accept that you have no control over his choices.

But you do have control over yourself. Remember, he is lucky to have you. There are many, many, good men out there who would treat you with the
love and dignity you deserve. Say what you want him to hear, and mean it. And don't be afraid to enforce it. It is the only way you will EVER get what you want and deserve.

[Faithful]

Hi,
no you're not crazy. porn is not ok.
It seems to me that what you are dealing with is an addiction. Like alcoholism.. So maybe the thing to do is read up on it. Maybe have books lying around about this kind of behavior.
You can't change him. ONly he can change himself.
I guess the first step is recognizing that he has a problem.
I can only imagine what you must be feeling like.... I am so sorry...
Faithful

[A penny for my thoughts]

I have been following some of these threads on porn. I can just say this: get a grip on yourselves!! Not all porn use is improper, bad, horrible, etc. Sometimes it's used for exactly what it is: a stimulant, not a substitute.

If you have a loving relationship (ie, no other problems) and your husband is "taking care of business" by using internet porn sometimes, it's probably completely innocent. If he's rejecting your advances in favour of using porn, then it's a problem. If he's having a normal sex life with you (ie, he's doing it as often as you want) but he is masturbating on top of that, he simply has a higher sex drive. If you're rejecting his advances constantly, again, he simply has a higher sex drive. If you reject his advances all the time - you both have a problem. Marriage includes sex. Trust me on this. The vast, vast majority of men enter marriage with the completely reasonable expectation that the sex will continue. Perhaps not at the same level of intensity, but at least it continues. Ladies, if you have a low sex drive, or no desire at all, it would be your best interests to disclose this prior to marriage. Because a man is driven to a large extent by his libido and satisfaction of that libido provides a lot of happiness to a man. Just think, a recent survey determined that more frequent sex created more happiness to a man than a $50,000 increase in salary! Sex matters, folks. It matters.

Face facts: no husband actually thinks he can have the women he's watching in the porn. If he's like me, he's using the porn to "kickstart" his imagination and facilitate the masturbation. And he's masturbating for a variety of reasons: you've said you're too tired; he's seen you naked that day and it turned him on; he's just horny. Men get aroused by all kinds of little things. Sometimes, it's relaxing to cater to that arousal. Besides, typically, I finish with thoughts of my wife, not the ridiculously breast endowed woman on the screen. That's called a healthy use of pornography. Don't condemn its use for everyone. Porn is not harmful in and of itself. It's use is. So be less critical and analyse why and when your husband is using it before you accuse him of unfaithfulness or worse.

[New Here]

I havent been here in awhile, but I did want to post a quick reply to the last responder to this thread...

You say we need to "get a grip on ourselves" like we are all over-reacting to something that is not a problem. I;m glad for your wife that she is comfortable with you watching porn (assuming she knows) and that you are able to do that and still keep her satisfied.

But you were right to say that the fact is that sex is a part of marriage. And for alot of us that are here complaining about porn the problem is that our significant others are selfishly satisfying themselves when we arent around and then telling US that they are too tired or just not expressing any interest in us or responding to our advances. So how bout instead of telling us not to condemn all porn, you try not condemning us for wanting our husbands to be more interested in sex with us than in getting off to some skinny, huge-breasted woman on the computer screen!

Whether is affects you in the same way as some men or not, before you go saying we are over-reacting you should read the threads more closely. If we were being satisfied sexually and emotionally in the relationship, we probably wouldnt be here complaining about porn. But for some men (my husband included) the use of porn diminishes their interest in their partner. My husband was VERY interested in sex before we got married when we saw each other on vacations only and porn wasnt in the picture. But once we lived together and he was using it a couple times a week, he completely stopped initiating sex with me and even turned me down from time to time. Now he hasnt been using for a couple of months (because he hasnt had time alone to do it, not by choice unfortunately) and our sex life has been great again. He is interested, initiating his share of the time, and never "too tired."

So based on my experiences I can absolutely condemn porn... maybe not for a single horny guy with no outlet, but definitley within the confines of a committed relationship where one person is not comfortable with it and is not satisfied with the current sex life.

[packerman]

I am sorry to say this as I do not share popular opinion. But why don't you try watching some porn with your husband and you will see that if used in the correct context(marriage) it may be very stimulating. I know men use visual imagery more than woman. But maybe you will like sharing this experience with him. Do not assume that porn is bad and evil. It has some very positive effects when used in the correct context. Try it and try to enjoy it with your husband. I agree that in excess it may have negative affects. But used in the correct context it can add to a marriage. Keep an open mind and see where it leads you.

[smackie9]

Hey Packerman, you won't win any votes on this web site about the porn being ok. I'm a woman that too enjoys porn with or without my husband. I don't hide it from him and he doesn't hide it from me. But there are those who are obsessed with it and like a bad gambling habbit, it takes over their lives, ruining relationships, etc. I'm glad I can enjoy porn without guilt. To me it's just entertainment. It doesn't, in any way, replace my desire for my husband. You have one vote.;)