Put out with the rubbish

[Rejectedman]

I have visited 2-in-2-1 during the last 3 months, but only today looked at the forums, and guess what !. One of the first threads I find is Battleweary by Confusedman, His current experiences almost sound like mine. 3 months ago she blew up over something relatively minor. We have been married for 22 years and we have 2 girls (10 + 13) who like me can not understand why Mum has suddenly announced that she no longer loves or likes Dad and is rushing into a separation. She has also been to solicitors for a separation agreement and forced me to put the house up for sale. What may be a mid-life crisis has been creeping up on her for the last year (Only now can I see it !) but every bit of resentment over the last 22 years was brought up, enlarged out of proportion and thrown at me. No amount of changes over the last 3 months made her change her mind, in fact I think she resented the fact I could change but had not done before the "Wake up call". Why do spouses have to hit the self destruct button and take it all as a new goal in life ?. I sympathise completely with other people in this situation. Up one day (even if only a little) and the following day plummeting to new depths of hurting. Life threatens change and there is no control over it. To begin with she was up one day and down the next, but even though we agreed to try to sort it out and arranged counselling, by the time we got there 5 weeks ago she had made her mind up to split. She has not allowed any physical contact (hug , kiss, cuddle) for 6 weeks, which for a couple who always had that contact every day in life is REALLY tough. Ok the last sex was 7 weeks ago (which actually was great) but the rejection of not being able to give the little signs of love and affection to someone who you feel strong feelings for is absolute hell, when it has been so freely given and taken before.
There must be so many spouses who are going through daily torture and at least we should realise we are not hurting alone. Keeping chins up and living on hope is easy to say but not easy to do, but there has to be something.
It is almost like knowing life will die in the future on the day of separation and each day is bringing you closer to it, but whereas with your partner you can face any future, when you know your partner and best friend is not travelling the path with you any longer, the journey is excrutiatingly painful. Being positive is impossible as you are being forced to do something against your will.
Sales of the Divorce Remedy books must be booming, I got one, like many others in the same situation. A very interesting read, good pointers, it would be great if the practices in the book actually worked, but somebody has to be receptive and my wife has simply chosen to Walk Away. Just wish I had seen the signs and got the book sooner !!. She could be right, it might all be my fault. But how did we get this far if it had been as bad as she says.
Discarded and siting out with the rubbish. Getting kicked in passing each day.!!!

[smackie9]

I hear this a lot. Don't blame yourself. I find women are blind to what is really making them unhappy. It could be such things as menopause, boredom, depression or they may not feeling good about themselves and need attention. We all get comfortable together as well. We forget to go out and be just a couple again, dating so to speak. In time all wounds heal. Hey who knows there could be a chance on reconciliaton with your wife. Some who leave a marriage find out that the grass isn't any greener on the other side.

[Rejectedman]

Wife seems to have manupulated this weekend to leave me alone in the house.
Wife has gone to visit her sister and then her mum.Kids have gone away with friends, although eldest wanted to stay with me when she wasn't allowed to go to see her aunt and granny.
I was shocked how alone, isolated and lonely this has left me. I think before I would have known it was only a day or two, and probably enjoyed the break. Problem is that this time it seems like a taste of the future. Life alone. No company, no warmth or love to come home to, or to come back to me.
Then to top it all, my wife rang to say she had arrived safely at her mum's (I had asked her to let me know- since I am concerned about her and do love her despite of the hurting), I said she should think about us while she was away, but the reply was "No, you need to think about it, this IS happening and you need to get used to it".
I keep yearning, hoping, praying, feeling dismal and realising somewhere in the past we missed out on keeping the bonds strong. I did not see it at the time and perhaps she did not either. There have been so many times in the past I wish we had just spent the time with each other, but so many thinks got in the way - work, routines, childrens activities, tiredness, etc. Now there will never be the chance and I miss her sooooo much. My best friend, my partner, my soul mate, my lover, my comfort, and everything she was to me I was for her and gave it willingly without condition, from the heart.
I think she knows all this, but chooses to put it away in her mind to lose it forever.
How the person you have been with for so long can change in such a way is incredible.
Yes I am low just now. You wonder just how much lower it is going to get.

[Alan]

God, do I empathise with you my friend.

I'm in a similar situation (as posted on the Coffee Shop forum) and like you I can't cope with the feelings that are washing over me.

14 years my wife and I have been together, 9 of which married. She is 33 and I'm 38. We met when she was 18 and have been partners - in everything - ever since.

All the petty little things have been thrown in my face dressed up as major issues to conveniently suit my wife's motives for leaving - which she did today.

It's tearing me apart.

Like rejectedman, the feeling of complete isolation, despite my son still being here, is almost overwhelming. It's like my right-arm has been severed.

I'm not that selfish to realise that things have not been brilliant for a while. My wife hashad two 'emotional' affairs with two other guys, one via text and the other, revealed to me last night, a series of meetings which, she tells me, did not end up physical.

Yet, even with those revelations I still love her and want her back.

smackie9 offers this "I find women are blind to what is really making them unhappy. It could be such things as menopause, boredom, depression or they may not feeling good about themselves and need attention. "

I agree with what you have written, but how do you suggest it to someone who is determined to take the line that in no way could any of these things be the cause?

I've changed a lot in the last 4 months. I think I've recognised what gave rise to my wife's feelings of anger and isolation, but perhaps even when change happens, some are not willing to accept it.

After posting on here earlier today, I wrote a long letter to my wife. Whether she gets to read it or not time will tell.

It was a cathartic experience, but the feeling persists of deep, overwhelming love for what she is - my life partner.

I have to be strong for my gorgeous son (our son) who is coping well. Better than me actually,but my God, the pain is immeasurable.

[Concerned reader]

Sorry Alan

Obviously most things people say are pointless at the moment. A fat lot of good it does knowing your are far from the only one in this position.

But I'll say them anyway. If you have done what you can, then you could have done no more and at least you need not reproach yourself on that score.

Not everyone believes that chucking in a marriage, even an imperfect one, is always to be swiftly adopted. First at least try to fix it. The modern vogue for rushing out of marriages is just that - a rash fashion which does huge damage to those who think changing a marriage partner is equivalent to changing electricity suppliers.

As regards the peculiar affair-type things; when people feel guilty and have been doing something naughty they do try to put the responsibility on others.

If you can keep your temper (I never could) it may be that over time hasty decisions may be reconsidered. Women of my acquaintance have found the ramifications of their decision sometimes much greater than they thought and, when it comes to it, want to talk sensibily a few weeks or months down the line.

In the heat of the 'escape' they see themselves as striking a blow for freedom or something and there is no getting through to them. Not their mother, not their best friend, not even a disinterested party's words carry any weight.

Stay on good-buddy terms with your in-laws and all the friends you have known and wait for the dust to settle. When it does, then you can see the landscape.

So easy for me to say...like I was any good at it.

[Alan]

Thanks for your kind words, both here and on the Coffee Shop forum.

You are right - people telling me I'm not alone with the situation I face does not really help!

I don't mean that to sound ungrateful (but I know it does)!

Tday will be very hard. My wife hasagreed to at least have a chat over the phone, but if I'm honest with myself, it will come to nothing.

I have to try though ; God loves a trier, doesen't he?

My son is coping OK, though last night before bed not being able to see his mum had an effect. He phoned her and asked her to come home, with my permission. With hindsight she will probably see that as me trying to manipulate the situation. I didn't, he made the decision by himself and I can't (won't) stop him.

No sleep last night - I couldn't face being in our bed without her there - and I'm fast losing it.

My son is still sleeping and I don't know what to do today other than to wait for her to call (if she does).

[Rejectedman]

Alan and others,
thanks for the various postings - experiences are so similar all through the forum.
The weekend without the kids and the w has been intensely lonely, no doubt about it. Sleep came late every night and waking very early - the morning seems to be the worst after fitful dreams of being together, only to wake to reality (whatever that is !).
Everyone should be coming home later today and although I need to see them all, I dread what mood my w will be in, after 3 days away her determination will have "fixed" in place how she feels.
I went to church yesterday, to find some comfort and hope and some friends there were sympathetic and caring, but like me could not understand the change in my w.
Can't help looking at photos and snippets of video of family activities even recently where everything seemed fine, even great. I am so thankful for all the good time i know we've had, but feel so sorry for the kids (and me too) that it will never be the same again.
What hurts most ? - losing the closest friend I've ever known, the one person you share all the fun and the problems with, the one with whom you get through all that life throws at you. Just when you need that person most they are not there, which is the cause of the problem.
Time will make changes but i do not see time ever healing the hurting. It's a loss. like a death, to me it looks just as final and painful. Tears can not be held back as she means so much to me, my whole life in fact. The kids come a very close second, but i know i need to focus on their needs and emotions too. Being strong is not at all easy. If i felt nothing strength would be easy, but i feel too much.
Have there ever been "Walk away wifes" who have turned round and walked back ?

[Alan]

God how I empathise with you sir!

Your situation is truly sad and I hope you get through it all.

And what about those tears then? I never knew I could cry as much as I have since Saturday night.

I'm just back from lunch with my wife. She agreed to see me and my son for a chat. In a way I wish we hadn't met as all I could do was beg her to come back. It was (is) so demeaning and I've just made the situation worse.

We are fortunate enough to have two cars. One is brand new, bought for my wife (in my name) to use for her work. Affording this was a difficult decision. It puts our monthly outgoings into the red, but we agreed (together) to do this as she needed it for her work.

Anyway, after our lunch, she said she wanted the car to use and foolishly I hesitated in answering which she saw as a refusal. The upshot is that she now has the car, a situation which frankly is OK with me but have I given her the upper hand?

I'm now back home, alone, (my son is playing with friends) and feeling really sorry for myself.

[Rejectedman]

Alan and others..
Things just go from bad to worse. Although my w is the one who has decided we should separate, she is now saying I am the one who is making the children unhappy because I can not accept the fact and move on. Despite the fact they are upset about it all, do not want it to happen and are asking if we can make up and love again, she says they are looking forward to moving house - I think they are smarter than that and realise mum is not leaving them or me any choices so are accepting what they are being told and trying not to think about it too much. When they do think about it they are very upset.
In another snearing throw of words at me this evening, I was challenged by "did I want access to my children for the odd day a week" and "you don't really want joint access do you". This was followed by another raking over the past from her current point of view - she had put on a front and held this marriage and family together for years and I just didn't notice. "Don't be such a victim" and "Stop trying to get me to change my mind", "I'm beginning to hate you now, youre old and boring and negative."
She can not bring herself to admit any love has EVER been there (which after 22 years and 2 lovely children takes some swallowing !).
Have I been blind, deaf and stupid all this time ?
It certainly is difficult being anything other than a victim and negative at present as I struggle to see any good on the present, let alone the future.
Strange how even after all this I still feel so stongly for her. I may be loving the person from the past, cause the current person i see i do not recognise. My heart is aching with loss and regret and remorse.
How do people get themselves in this situation ? Are we all so insensitive to conditions and unwilling to begin discussions to improve things to the point when nothing can be improved because it has all gone too far.
This is low and lower, not just dumb and dumber.

[Rejectedman]

Is there a way to link threads ?
This one has moved onto "Walking the plank" but started with a reply to "Battleweary".
Does anyone know how he is getting on ?