Very sad, lonely and depressed

[Lila]

I am new to this form and badly need some advice on how to sort out the never-ending mess in my life.



I am 32 years old and all my life I have taken some or other abuse from people in my life. Before I tell you the present one, I will have to give you a bit of my background. My childhood and growing up years were miserable because of an abusive father who did not want to take care of us and beat me, my mother and my siblings often and we lived in virtual terror as to which of us would be the one to be beaten today. He even tried to kill my mother twice but we managed to save her. Then 12 years back he left. We grew up , worked hard and managed to build up our lives. Then disaster stuck when I married 9 years back, a man 6 years older than me. All through the 5 years we were together, he never bothered to work, drank all the time, spent time with other women and regularly abused me physically, verbally and sexually. He would tell me that I should be grateful that he married a woman with a background like mine and my father beat me up because that is what I deserved. My health and self-confidence were at an all time low – I had to earn to keep us living, pay off his never-ending debts, keep his supply of booze going and do just about everything. I was finally able to rid off him when he beat me so badly that I landed up in the hospital. A friend took care of me and it is she who helped me gather the courage to file for a divorce. That was 5 years back.



One and half years back I married again- this time a friend who I thought I knew well. I met him after a gap of almost 7 years and came to know that he had been through a difficult marriage himself. His parents too wanted us to have a life together. But on the day of the wedding disaster struck again. His mother, sister and brother-in-law started abusing me and my family saying that we had manipulated this man into marrying me and that I was nothing but a whore and should be punished. I was assured that they will make my life a living hell. When I went to my husband’s house after the wedding, the atmosphere was as if there had been a death in the family. For 3 days I was not even given food, just constant abuse, threats and screaming. My husband’s brother-in-law said that I was evil and he should punish me. All the while my father-in-law and husband said and did nothing. My father-in-law said that I must only do my duty, ask for forgiveness and somehow make them happy. My husband said he was sorry about whatever was happening but could not do anything since they were his guests. I have often wondered since then – would he have allowed people to rape me simply because they were his guests.



My husband’s parents visited us and I try to ask his mother why they did whatever they did but she started to curse me. Since then I haven’t met them and despite lot of pressure from my husband initially I have refused to have anything to do with them. However my husband says that there is no way he can leave his parents. So he calls them up and goes to visit them. He says that since I have chosen not to do anything with them, it is none of my business what he does. If I am not happy with this arrangement I can leave.



I have been very depressed since the marriage. I try hard to behave as if all is fine but I keep crashing too often. Every time he calls them up or visits them or talks about them, it triggers off something in my head. I have violent outbursts of rage when I explode and speak against my in-laws and then my husband hits me. Every time So, its back to old times for me. When he suggests that I leave it scares the hell out of me. I have no where to go. I don’t work now either because I am unable to concentrate on anything. All the hurtful words and the thought that my husband (who was such a wonderful friend) let me down keeps churning in my head.



Yet, my husband shows his love towards me and cares for me except when I speak anything against his parents. He also shares a good relationship with my family. He wants me to have a baby and insists that since the baby will be as much his as mine, his parents will be a part of the child’s life. The very thought is unbearable to me.



My husband certainly broke the rules of friendship and love – you wouldn’t allow people to abuse your friend who you love, will you? What about the rules of marriage? I am confused about this since I haven’t really seen a real marriage. How do I go on? Am I losing my mind or am just confused. Sometimes I blank out in the middle of the road and am scared I might meet with an accident.



I am unable to explain my situation to my husband – he thinks I am over sensitive and hyper. We have had innumerable arguments and fights over this issue. I have no friends and cannot discuss the situation with my family as they don’t understand. I guess I am angry and confused with the abuse from his family but am more unhappy because this man let me down and angry that he chooses them over me. Does he care about me at all?Am I the one in the wrong?

[Concerned reader]

Lila, honey, if your husband is hitting you, you must first get help to stop that.

Once that has stopped, it might be possible to sort out the rest. One step at a time.

Visit your doctor and record any injuries, explain what has happened. Domestic violence is NOT ignored these days. You can get help from your local council offices, where the reception desk usually has lists of places you can seek refuge. Ask to speak to the duty social worker, who can set up contacts for you.

Local information is also held at your library and, while they cannot get involved, librarians are usually very discrete and will swiftly find you what you need to know.

If you are in immediate danger, go to the nearest police station. They cannot sort out the deeper issues - only you can do that - but they take seriously their responsibility to prevent conflict escalating to assault.

You don't say under which system you were married, but if it was a religious ceremony would it be possible to go back to the priest who performed the ceremony barely eighteen months ago and ask for their advice and, perhaps, intervention - if that is appropriate? Or if not them, is there someone similar you trust and could speak to?

There is much to be discussed and it is possible to sort everything out, but not while one party is threatening to slap the other. That has to stop.

[smackie9]

Lila, abused women tend to fall into a pattern of abusive relationships, instead of avoiding then. Get out of there and get some counselling somewhere. Go to a women's shelter. They provide free counselling. This is an unhealthy situation and you deserve better!

[Lila]

My situation is very complicated. Being an Indian, two failed marriages is unacceptable. We had a civil marriage followed by a religious ceremony because my husband's family insisted on it.

My husband has a very good relationship with my family and always helped them in times of trouble. They say that I must compromise with this situation. He couldn't stop his family from abusing me but he does take care of me. He is no longer forcing me to visit them.

I too realise that if I did not bring up the matter at all and speak against his family, he would not be angry on me or hit me for that matter. He isn't really constantly abusing me - except on the occassions he hit me when say anything against his folks. And when I compare him to my ex-husband - the constant beating, the horrible abuse, I think I am better off but I thought I deserved better since I haven't harmed anyone.

The problem is guess is this - I married him with a lot of trust and he let me down right from the day we got married. I wonder how he feels no anger towards the people who abuse his wife. His inviting them over, calling them up regularly and visiting them somehow gives a message to his family that "Fine you have aproblem with my wife, you abused her but that does not need to make any difference to the relationship I have with you". And I wonder why he does not realise this.

My husband calls his parents home as his "home". He says "That's my home". So what is this where we stay together- a temporary abode? He has alredy said that if I did not like this arrangement, I can leave. It is pathetic the way he is clinging to his parents.

I can't believe it is the same man that loved me so much before we were married!The strange thing is he shows his love and care for me as long as there is no conflict about his family. So, probably as long as I was ok to play second fiddle to his family and ignored whatever abuse they chose to heap with with, this relationship might work out.

I am obviously not ok with this or I wouldn't be so depressed and unhappy all the time.

[Concerned reader]

Lila, have you looked at the links from the home page?

There is simply no excuse for your husband hitting you.

Anything else is open to debate and can be sorted out in good time. Certainly working compromises can be reached.

However, no meaningful discussions can take place where the threat and practice of violence exists.

First, seek support and go to a refuge if necessary.