Is it wrong to fall out of love with someone?

[not even close]

I'm 29 married 3 years and have a baby who is nearly a year old. Something has been happening over the last 20 weeks, not sleeping (not the baby!), feeling detached and losing interest in things.

I at first put it down to the baby, struggling with the baby, not being able to live up to the pressures that she was bringing and I told my wife. She was very supportive and was always there to help me. She does most of the baby work anyway and works part time and I work full time yet still do the bits I can, bath her, put her to bed, get up in the night and do breakfast.

But as time has gone on, I have realised that it's not really the baby, more so over the last 5 weeks I have realised it's that I don't think I love my wife anymore. Now that's such a bold statement just to say that but it's one that subconciously has destroyed me over this 20 weeks and now I'm on anti-depressants, seeing a counsellor, and basically losing the plot because I've kept these true feelings inside, not wanting to hurt anyone, just myself.

I've just begun to tell my wife that I don't feel close to her and that at the moment I don't want to be there but I am still there because I know it's not fair to leave her with the baby and just to leave her.

The counsellor says I have a control problem, looking in to my past it seems that I have always bailed out on relationships and stuff for some unknown deep down problem that she thinks is related to my mother. This isn't a cop out excuse, I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I have some 'behavioural problem'.

The other day, after a bad day (I'd been referred to the psych' outpatients just because the doc asked me if I'd ever hurt myself or thought about suicide and I said yes I have and although I don't want to kill myself it's always there as a plan B - these are true feelings what can I say?) any way after this awful emotional day I went home and just cried and cried and told my wife how bad I was feeling about us. After the baby went to bed I just went nuts, shaking, panicking, actually going mental and I just had to leave. I spent the night at my mum's house and whilst I'm back home now I'm just numb.

It's not fair on my wife this, but it's ok to be told, thing's will get better but I can't see it. It's as if my mind has already left the house during that time where I didn't really know what was wrong. And now I can't seem to get it back, I feel like a b**stard, am a b**stard and expect fully to be treated like one.

The spark seems to have gone, and looking back it seems like all we have had for a long time now is just a good friendship. I wish I could explain better but I can't. I'm so confused and feel like I'm cracking up because of guilt, pain, confusion and the feeling of the fact I need to be out of the situation.

There is no one else, I'm not leaping from one situation to another so I can mess it up again, I'm prepared to be really lonely, ousted from everything I have and all the people who respect me.

My wife put's it all down to me being 'ill' at the moment but I feel i've become ill by bottling this up.

I've not had a serious chat about it to her, about the spark gone etc. I don't even want it back, as I said my mind seems to not be at home anymore.
Everytime we do try to talk I end up having a panic attack, pacing up and down and then just going outside for a cigarette.

I'm hopeless, I can't even give her good reasons why I feel like this, I can't even give myself good reasons except this is how I feel. It's feeling that I've tried to push away but can't and I'm scared I'm going to crack up. I'm scared enough that I'm going to ruin everyone's world. The wife I made promises to in good faith. The wife who I can't even kiss anymore let alone any other signs of affection.

Help? or abuse me because that is what I deserve.

[Anon]

Hi

My H and I have been split up now for 5 months. He instigated it with very similar feelings and thoughts to your own. He said he felt trapped and desperately unhappy. His words were everywhere he turned he felt like he was facing a brick wall. My H tried to leave the first time but never went becuase he felt too guilty - we have a 15 months old daughter who was 1 at the time. 3 weeks later we ended up having a row and he left. Even though my world was falling apart at the time I can now look back and see that it was the best thing he could have done and probably the only thing that would give us a chance to put things right in the future. Once my H moved into his mums he felt a huge relief and pressure lifted off him. He still felt depressed and unhappy but he also felt better. I made the decision right from the start to stick by my H as I knew that I loved him and I wanted to help. There are so many books that you and your wide can read - the best one being Divorce Remedy. This book has helped me understand my H and cope with the past 6 months.
I have seen my H life himself out of his depression without any professional help. He would never admit he was depressed. Slowly he has began to start smiling laughing and enjoiyng life again. And yes, I do beleive I have assisted in him doign this by the way I have been.
When he left he felt that he had to to literally feel sane again - but yet the unhappy feelings did not go away becuase of the guilt and hurt he felt for me and our daughter. I think he felt he could leave me as he did not think he loved me anymore, and that once he went his feelings for me would diminish and he could possibly find a new life with someone else where things would be different.

To cut a long story short - we have come so far in 5 months - he now will admit he has feelings for me/ loves me and can see our marriage working, although he still needs more time before coming home as he still feels there are a few issues that need to be resolved.

I do not know what the answer is for you as we are all different but I wanted you to hear our story to give you some hope in knowing that a time will come when you will feel better and things start to make sense again. Maybe have some time out - dont feel guilty as we are all entitled to it- from past experience just keep talkign to your wife so you can try and understand as best possible how you feel. Get her to read D Remedy as well.

Anon

[Concerned reader]

Dear Not Even Close

I can't see any point in queueing up to give you a roasting because it would not help me, you, your wife, your baby or your mother.

If I understand it right, you are at a either your mother's house or your own house and although you are unhappy, you are safe. As you are safe there is no tearing hurry or need to make any decision at all. People can, and do, manage in very unhappy circumstances which they cannot immediately remedy.

Stick with the counsellor as they will be able to shoulder some of the issues which your wife may not be able to deal with at the moment. I'm sure she wants to help, but the baby will be limiting what she can reasonably be expected to do.

Avoid making any decisions until you are sure you are in a safe place in your head to make them. An unsafe place would be the middle of a panic attack, where any decision is going to be heavily coloured by the frantic desire to react to the physical symptoms, rather than making a decision you can live with. Most people will have had the experience of making a snap decision because they were affraid, or offended or couldn't wait for all the facts to be marshalled.

Your wife, your doctor, counsellor and mother all seem to be sympathetic to the way you need some time to sort this out, so if they are alright with it, then you should definitely be alright with it. It is just a little time to think about what really is in your long-term interests. There may be some clashes with short-term interests.

You don't have to chose right this minute - that is just the panic talking.

[Liz]

Dear Not even Close,

Feelings come and go. Love is also about commitment and trying to find a way through. So it's not about whether it's right or wrong to not have feelings. The morality is in how you respond to it.

Why not read the articles in our disillusionment section (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) or consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

Your wife and baby need your support and your decision to love (actively if not emotionally)

Liz