reconciling slowly - I think?

[Anon]

Hi

For the past 3 months I have been interactive with the thread Depressed or not started by Angel, and have learnt and received some valuable advice. Whilst I will continue to participate in this thread in particular for Jacks and Angel i now feel my circumstances have changed slightly and could really do with some advice from others in the same situation as myself.
Basically - seperated from H for now 5 months. He instigated. I have read and read no the subject and put into practive the Divorce Remedy methods which have worked.
Current situation is:
He comes to see us ( me & our 1 year old) every day straight from work and stops until about 8- -9pm
We text each other regularly
We have started a physical relationship again
All finances remain same as when together.
We spend most of his days off together.

H is currently living at his mums. I feel that in 5 months we have come such a long way. It feels like we have started to rebuild our relationship again.n We are more relaxed in each others company. we laugh and joke again and have not had a big argument for about 2 months. I see changes in my H every day/week where he seems to become more affectionate. He told me at the weekend that its not about how he feels about me anymore - even though he will not directly say I love you he actions and words are bascially saying this. He is also talking now more in the present and even the future whereas about 2 months ago he still related everything to the past, and past problems. I noticed at the weekend when he had a bit of a niggle about something that he said ' this is the problem' this is what I do not like' . I actually take this positively as what he is now saying is I can see that we can work, but I am telling you what it is I still am not happy with so you can change it. I.E he if giving me the chances now to do something about it, whereas 3 months ago his attitude was very much ' well thats why we split up or there is no point it cant change'.

I am much happier now in myself, but do still struggle on the odd days when I feel frustrated and impatient wondering how long before this is completely resolved and he comes home......
I beleive now he will come home but I think its just a case of time and continuing what we are doing.

I would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation, who can share their experiences with me and hopefully help me keep patient.

Anon

[Angel]

Excellent news Anon :) I think I am going to reread Divorce Remedy...I took ur advice..I sent my H a text and said that I think it is best we dont talk about the relationship and just try and enjoy each others company. the result being earlier this evening that he called to make sure that I was ok and said take care. I need to change my tack I think. No contact for a while....
Have you got any other tips that worked? Angel xx

[bridie]

Hi Anon, im in a similar situation to you.
Weve been seperated for 6 months, and although we have had a set-back just lately, ( i lost it for a bit, and felt like giving up) we seem to be getting on ok.

He dosnt come here every evening like your h, or spend days off with me as such, but he does come a couple times a week, maybe more, came tonight and had tea with us, yesterday we went shopping for doors for a house we are renovating, (which we were supposed to be moving into together, i dont know whats going on now, i said i would continue to move in alone, yet now and then he slips up and says "we")
We are also having a physical relationship, not everytime i see him, but often enough!

I have divorce remedy, and divorce busting, and its only now ive stopped reading it that ive slipped up, so as of now i am starting again with the divorce busting thing.

Like you, im unsure what is going on, sometimes it seems we are a couple still, then i dont see him for a few days and i feel we are drifting away again, its a nightmare.

As for pateince, i am known for not having ANY! so its been very hard, but i read the books, and the web-site has been a big help when i feel like giving up
This time last week i was so p***** off with him i wanted to punch him, but i feel better now. It is our 19th wedding anniversary on oct. 3rd, so im not looking foward to that, i always thought we would be back together by then, as i do think we will get back together, but its taking longer than i thought, mainly cos ive messed up at crucial times.

keep being strong, and make sure you have LOADS of patience, this has been my downfall!

Angel, i cant believe you havnt got Divorce Remedy, you have done so well then, cos a lot of what youve been doing is what is suggested in the book, try to get the book Angel, it will help. good luck everyone. bridie

[Dave]

Hi all,

You can get Divorce Remedy here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/).

You might also want to take a look at Divorce Busting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divbust/).

There's also several articles by Michele on the site including:

Must be Teething (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/teething/)
Find out how to respond to your husband on his "off" days.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/forgivegift/)
Find out why forgiveness is really better than holding a grudge

Sex Drives: His and Hers (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/sexdr/)
Inequal sex drives? A little advice!

Why Should I be the One to Change (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/whyme/)
Want to change your spouse - well here's the answer!

Time Together (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/timetog/)
Find out how setting aside time together can transform your marriage!

Good luck

Dave

[Anon]

Hi

I know what you mean Bridie when yuo say you have days that you feel you have slipped up on - me too. You then feel like you have started to undoe all the good. I too am starting to reread D Remedy to refresh myself. I suppose we have to accept 3/4 steps forward will probably entail 1 step back at times.
I think the frustation and patience is the hardest part. But with me just when I get to a point when I feel fed up my H seems to do something out the blue really unexpected that boost me again without him realising.
We were both meant to be going out on Friday night - seperately with friends, which would have been interesting as we have not met up in this situation since we split. my mum was going to have my daughter overnight. I was feeling a little bit apprehensive in case I bumped into my H when out or saw him talking to a girl or something etc. Anyway out of the blue this morning he texted me to say he was not going now. So I rang him and he said he had decided he could not afford it and that he would come and baby sit instead.!!!!!! WOW this has got to be the first time since we split that he has not gone out becuase of money. even when he has been skint before he has always found some money from somewhere rather than turn down a night out... I took this positively but cannot really work out why. Is he just being sensible? Or do you think he was actually worrying becyase I was going out and not having to worry about coming home for a certain time for the babysitter i.e I could have stayed out all night if wanted - whereas when he is babysitting he knows I always come back at a reasonable time and on my own of course?? not sure really what to make of this but whatever its worked out positive in my favour.

Bridie - has your H given you any more small signs that things are going in the right direction? have you actually brought up the subject of him coming home recently and if so what was his reaction?

Angel - I do feel for you - go through D R again and I hope helps. Every time you go to text or phone him ask yourself - do I really need to do this? I started texting and calling my H again once things started to feel right again between us. I kind of new becuase I stopped getting that panicky feeling when calling him, thinking to myself, god should I be phoning him, what will his reaction be etc etc...
I do think that men can pick up FEAR in your voice, and when they do I think they tend to run. Once I began to feel more relaxed and at ease with my H I found that I could ring him and not really think anything of it. I dont know but maybe he could detect that in my voice as well. Sometimes I think its all the little things that we mght miss that can add up and make a difference. when we first split up I found that everything I did or everywhere I went I was very conscious about doing teh right things and keeping my H as happy as poss. For example if I went to my mums i would make sure I was back at home for 330pm as I know my H comes home about 4pm. Its things like this that have now changed. But they have changed naturally. If I am not back now for 4pm then I do not worry as I know that if my H comes home and I am not there he will ring me.. Not sure if I am making myself very clear but hope you can understand what I mean. Its not that I have stopped making an effort in my marriage becuase I am, its just that I have stopped treating my H like a god I suppose and I do not run around like a mad women trying to please him like before. I think really I was trying too hard and he could see that. now I have started to please myself more and I do think my H can also see this, and its this that helps brings the normality back into the marriage.

Anon

[Anon]

Having a bad day - just when things were going so well too...
have been discussing mortgages with my H as our discounted rate period ends soon so we need to renew. My h has agreed to continue with mortgage as normal but go for one with no tie ins incase we decide to sell the house at any time.
have just had a discussion with him on the phone and he has really put me on a downer.. He has not told me anything I do not already know just that he said things I did not want to really hear. He kept saying that a mortgage with no tie ins was important incase we split up properly and decided to sell the house and go seperate ways. I asked him if he really thought this was still an option and he said yes... I said to him dont you think if that was going to happen we would be doing it now or would have done it by now, and he said - well maybe so. Then he said ' i can only come home when my feelings are telling me its right to come home. I do not know when or how long that will be, but say if I am still not ready to come home in 12 months time, are you really going to be prepared to wait for me that long' I said I do not know and he then said I would have probably told him to p... off by then.
aaaaaaah!!!! this upset me and it was like he was saying there was a possiblity it might not work when I thought things were going well and I thought that he really was on the track to coming back. Now I have thought about it a little I suppose he is saying that he is coming home but he does not know when. What he is doing is saying that if we do split up properly then it will be down to me and becuase I have not been prepared to wait...

Why are things so confusing???

Anon

[Jacks]

Hi Anon,

To be honest, I wouldn't listen to what he is saying, because if you talk to him again about it next week, I bet you he will say something different! I think that they don't really know themselfs what is going on and because they feel so negative about things, that is why they have to give answers for it and hurt us!

"But how could anyone understand him when he doesn't understand himself? He's in an emotional storm that will test the patience and endurance of all those who love him as he comes to grips with himself. He will hurt you. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but he will hurt you."

This is out of the midlife crisis book and even if he isn't in a MLC, I still think that it makes sense!
Don't push him, even agree with him, maybe that will wake him up!

Speak soon

Jacks

x

[Anon]

Hi Jacks

Thanks - I do understand what you are saying, although these past few weeks my H has become alot more open and it starting to tell his true feelings now.
He has now actually told me that he feels really guilty for moving out on our 1 year old. So much so that at times he cannot bear it. At the weekend he told me that he come could home becuase of how guilty he felt, but he did not think this was the right reason to come home, he said he had to come home for his feelings for me, and that if he came home out of guilt then he felt it could go wrong again.
He said he was not ready to come home - 'just yet'
This is defintely positive signs in him reaching his goal for coming home.
Talking more off his own back, admitting his feelings whereas 3 months ago he denied all this. I think my H is getting there its just so frustrating playing the waiting game...

Anon

[Faithful]

I feel happy for you Anon,
If the both of you are looking into reconciling, even if he says it is only for your childs sake, why not check out some sort of marriage encounter weekend which would fit your beliefs and situation. It sure sounds like he still cares for you, but that some things need to get worked out.
He'll find out that love is a decison not a feeling... and you will get tools to begin your reconciliation.
I guess all one can do is be patient, pray and hope...
Faithful.

[Anon]

Thanks Faithful

I only wish my H was willing to seek some elp with me, but he will not. He is the kind of person who will not talk to anyone, espeically strangers about our problems. If I suggested anything like attending a marriage counsellor or group etc he would run a mile or laugh at me. He has the view that he does not need other people involved and that he can sort it out himself.

Anon

[Anon]

Learnt a valuable lesson this week.

With things progressing well with my H, I now have felt myself starting to want more.
For me this week it was for my H and I to have as night out together.
To me this was not a big deal as we spend nearly all of our spare time together and now have a decent relationship.
I approached my H with this idea and received a nice 'no'.
Did not expect it and at first could not understand. From my point of view I was thinking well we go out for days together/ spedn evenings together/ have a relationship so what is difference going out for a few drinks together.
Just as I started to feel myself becoming aggrivated and annoyed my H suddendly started to open up and explain. He said that his view on this was diferent to mine. Whilst I looked at a night out as not a big deal, to him for us to go out together was basically like getting back together - which he is not ready for yet.
He said 'its nothing personal and not that I would not want., but to do that would make me feel like I would be back with you completely, and I am not ready for that yet'.
Once he explained I understood, and we left it at that.
Sometimes in these situations you do not realise that your H can have a completely different concept on things as to what you do.
I was lucky as my H felt comfortable enough to explain, but if he had not it I could have easily taken offence and it could have turned into an argument.

Anon

[Anon]

Hi

Had an ok weekend.
My H stopped friday night and worked nights on Sat. When he gets back Sun morning he normally goes to his mums to sleep but this week he came home and went to bed.
All seemed ok until he said he was going to watch the football in the pub sun afternoon then stay out all night.
I could have really easily have argued with him - why does this get my back up so much?
I think its because I struggle to understand why he would want to sit in a pub all day and all night when he could be sat at home with me and our daughter. It winds me up more when I think that the mates he are with are not married and none of them have kids so fair enough its not like they have anything else to do..

I think this is one of the main issues that is effecting our relationship and ultimately stopping my H from moving back home full time.
I do not know what to do for the best.
I kind of understand where he is coming from but I do not agree or like the amount of time he spends out in the pub at the moment.
I know by having a go at him it just pushes him away but sometimes I cannot help myself.
We talked sensibly yesterday and he said he really wanted to come back home full time, but its not the right time at the moment as he would just do my head in!! What does this mean?
Is he inferring that he knows that I am not happy with him going out so much but at the moment he is not ready to give this up so if he did come home this would continue and cause issues?
He says he really wants to come home but he cant until it feels ready. But what is going to make him feel ready? This could ultimately go on for ever!!
Feel a bit despondent today and need some motivation to keep going.