Not Sure What to do!!

[bunnie3137]

Hi all,
This is my first time writing here, and I am at my wit's end. I have been married for 15 years, and things were going fine, then all of a sudden this buddy of my hubby's comes back on the scene, bringing over the beer etc...we never have any time alone, or family time- every time this friend comes over-hubby is at his beckon call... he was busted for dui 15 yrs ago (hubby) he quit drinking then when he moved his home business to another spot away from home-he started in again- not a day goes by that he doesn't drink... i worked all day yesterday,and he and my son went and played golf-with his parents-his mom alos drinks alot, and supplies the beer for my hubby to drink while they are playing. He came home last night, never asked how my day went, and called his
friend over- then when he knows I'm upset he says thats its too bad he cant spend time with his friend- I feel as though I pay all the finances- for the kids,
lunches, school clothes etc, he pays 3 bills a month and I have everything else,
I also work full time and come home and do the rest of the chores, he with being self employed has lots of spare time on his hands...and is flexible to do what he wants- and it is what he wants no house cleaning etc.. we used to try and do things on sundays now its like his whole life revolves around thisfriend- maybe i'm old fashion-but I thought family came first
if anyone would like to email me
i really don't know what to do anymore

[Concerned reader]

Dear Bunnie

As someone with family ties to heavy drinkers I know how destructive it can be. I'm sorry this is happening to you, nobody deserves this.

You may need to join some of the specialist support groups which can best advise relatives in this situation. As I understand it, the friend is merely a symptom of an underlying behaviour. Of course it is unlucky that the friend has turned up and is a trigger, an excuse, for the drinking but it is best not to focus on the friend because if it was not them, it might well be something else such as trouble at work.

Drinkers will use what ever is at hand as an explanation for why they need a drink.

I am a little puzzled though. You say everything was alright until recently. Did your husband's attitude to family responsibility change dramatically or were some of the attitudes present earlier?

In my (mercifully) limited experience, alcohol abuse doesn't spring up over night although it can be difficult to say when it actually became a problem.

Look after yourself.

[smackie9]

I call that falling off the wagon. Your husband figured that what's the harm it having a few with an old buddy. Then it's " I can handle drinking. I'm ok". That spells DENIAL! I grew up with an alcoholic family. You and family members are going to have to give him some tough love. It would be best for you to go to AA yourself. AA is also for those who live with an alcoholic. There is info on the internet on how to deal with this issue too. It would be helpful if you have his and your family there, and confront him with your conserns with his drinking. Do it asap! It's only going to get worse. My sister in-law gave my brother an ultimatum: "Quit drinking or I'm gone!" He's never touched a drop since. I did the same thing with my mom. Tough love I say...tough love.