Confused....dot com

[Nigel]

Hi

I've been married for 3 years and 5 days ago my wife arrived home from work and told me
she was leaving me as "its just not right anymore"

I admit our relationship has been hard sometimes as I was unemployed when we met and cash was tight but I did find a job working for an ISP ..yeah I'm a techy-geek-nerd type :) which helped bring the cash in.

In June this year my company was bought out by a bigger firm and things there degraded
to the point where it was unbearable to work there , so after talking to my wife we decided I would try to be self employed.....this for one reason or another did not work out for me and I was being supported by her as she has a well paid job as a civil servant.

Last week I started applying for jobs and got some good feedback and I was excited to tell her that things were on the up again but then she dropped the bombshell and left.

As I've no income at all and a mortage thats just in my name only (she has another house in her name which we rented out) I've had no choice but to relocate down south to live with friends and find a job :(

There are so many bits of this situation that I don't understand but the main one being what do I do now ..I've talked to her but find it hard as I'm very hurt and feel as if she just gave up trying..........she's moved her stuff out and is living with friends and says there is no going back from the situation.... :(

I know I have to rebuild my life and take each day as it comes......I have the support of my closest friends but I'm not sure if their advice is based on trying to protect me ...

So do I just take the legal route or leave things for a while ....

btw yes I still love her :)

Cheers

A very confused Nigel

[Hope]

Dear Nigel,

Its very frightening to think that one partner in a relationship can make the decision to end a marriage and in return totally disrupt and spoil any future we may have planned. Its as though they become progressively unhappy and just don’t consult us and then decide our fate without even giving us a chance to make things better, or to change if necessary. I think its rather selfish behaviour and pretty cruel really.

My relationship suffered through my husband’s lack of communication skills and eventually he had an affair. I didn’t have a clue my husband was that unhappy certainly not enough to commit adultery.

You say that you don’t know if you should go down the legal path or just wait to see if the situation changes at all? The only way you can know for sure is by talking with your wife to try to understand the real reasons why she’s given up on the marriage. It may be a while before she’ll open up properly – my husband took about 8 weeks before he’d really talk about his feelings.

Its very difficult to accept separation especially when you feel your partner has “given up” too easily. I feel the same about my husband. I was even willing to forgive and forget the affair especially for the children’s sake. I still love my husband very much but unfortunately we are proceeding with the divorce because it’s what my husband feels is best for both our futures, regardless of how I feel! He’s decided my fate I have no choice but to accept it!

Keep talking to your wife before you make any irrational decisions such as divorce. As soon as you fully understand your wife’s feelings about why she’s not willing to try to work things out the sooner you can try to accept her decision and make a new life for yourself. Its very hard dealing with all of this but take care and keep talking about it because it does help when you’re hurting so bad.

I hope this helps a bit.

Hope

[Nigel]

Hi Hope

Thanks for replying and helping me to get things in perspective. I'm very sorry to hear about your own problems it must be even tougher with children involved too.

At the moment I've have many mixed feelings about the situation some good some bad and talking to her has just ended up with me feeling even worst ,so for the meantime I'm trying to just focus on my own issues and not run the risk of being hurt evenmore than I am.

I've now moved from my home in Yorkshire to stay with friends in Berkshire as the memory's and an empty house were not doing me any favours.

It does seem from what she's has told me that all the little things built up into her deciding leave and even when we did talk about them she felt as if I was not listening to her as the problems did not go away almost straight away ! She has also refused to try anything like Relate as she feels as if she can't talk to strangers about our problems....

I will be talking to my solicitors but not to start anything or to find reasons to hurt her just to see my legal standpoint at the moment and that me living down hear is not a sign that I too have just ran away

Regards

Nigel

:confused: :confused:

[Hope]

Its funny how one partner often says that some of the reasons for “giving up” on the relationship are due to many little things that build up over time. It’s a shame that they don’t discuss these little problems a bit more and then they could be resolved quickly. My husband was a bit like a closed book, I didn’t get to read his thoughts very often! Its very difficult to resolve problems or to understand someone’s unhappiness when they don’t discuss things often enough. My husband also refused therapy such as relate – he felt airing his problems with a third party was something to be ashamed about. Personally I think it was because he was unhappy with himself, not others and was afraid to confront his own problems! I’ve been to relate on my own just to talk about my divorce and I found it was a relief to unload my problems and talk to a stranger. It’s great to have friends to talk to but sometimes they are too close to a situation and can appear a little biased and they don’t necessarily always give the best advice because they are being protective towards you.

It’s a good idea to get some legal advice especially if you do end up separating. Many Solicitors offer a free hour to discuss where you stand legally and it’s certainly worth having a meeting. Perhaps you and your wife will benefit from some time apart because it will give you some breathing space and help you both to decide if separating is what you both really want.
Good luck
Hope