Sad and at my wits end

[hubby]

I have been married for 10 years and dearly love my wife. We have had marriage problems for the last two years. I am a shy quite person that usualy avoids conflict and interaction with other people. My wife is the exact opposite. This causes problems in our relationship because I don't always speak my mind, communicate effectivly and don't express my emotions.
There is eight years age difference between us (she is older) its not a problem now but when we first met she was 27 and I was 19. The first 4 or 5 years we were together I was immature and did dumb things. She already had two kids and I tried but didn't know how to play the father role. If wish I could turn back time and do things differently and have told my wife I realize the mistakes I have made and I will live with that regret forever. I also lied to my wife a few years ago about a porno movie that she found I had rented, that hurt her very bad (the fact that I lied) and she has not forgiven me. I give my heart and soul to her and try to show my love in all different ways but she will not let me back in her heart. She is very angry inside and constantly hurts my feelings. It feels like when I walk into the same room with her that I get a vibe of hatred from her.
I'm very sad and at my wits end......

[Concerned reader]

Hmmm....question....is it possible that due to the age gap your wife, now approaching 40, feels 'old' while you are barely 30?

This is not to excuse bad behaviour on her part, which is not helping the situation, but if that is the context of her behaviour, it might explain much.

The age gap is always the same number of years, but where the gap is in life can make it feel larger or smaller. I have known women to get very hung-up about a decade here or there. Could it be a factor here?

[Hope]

You’ve expressed your feelings very well in your post but the question is have you told your wife just how you feel. I think had this been my husband being open and honest about his feelings of unhappiness I would have forgiven him by now. My husband didn’t like conflicts and kept his feelings and unhappiness to himself and finally had an affair. If only I’d known what was going on in his head because then we could have discussed our problems and worked things out. If you haven’t had this heart to heart with your wife yet may I suggest you clear the air asap, tell her how you feel and hopefully she’ll be grateful for your honesty. You have nothing to loose apart from making things better.



Good luck.

[smackie9]

Well maybe it's time to be more assertive and speak your mind! The age gap is not the problem. I met my husband when he was 20 and I was 26. BIG DEAL! Stop being a chicken, get in there and talk to her. Sounds like you both need to be more open with each other. She should be more open minded about porn and you should'nt have to hide it or feel guilty. There I go on again about porn!:p

[Kate]

I'm afraid I disagree about the porn. Why should one be open minded about it. If it offends , it offends!

I don't think I'd like making love with my husband worrying that he was thinking about other people doing sexual things. I expect making love to be about each of us focussing on each other and expressing our love for each other. I expect my husband to be faithful in his mind and heart not just on the surface!

Many women find porn degrading and distressing, so why shouldn't their feelings be taken into account. The original poster actually said that the lying was the main issue he thought. Is he sure? And if that is the main issue then his wife being more understanding about porn won't help if he can't put honesty with her before his own sexual interests.

Kate

[hubby]

Its not the porn thats a problem, that was just a one time thing. Its is the fact that I lied. I lied because I was embarrassed and freaked out when she found it.
Its not the age gap either, it just seems that she is always one step ahead of me when it comes to the lessons of life. Many small things have damaged our marriage over 10 years.

[Hope]

Hubby,

My husband and I encountered many ups and downs during our 14 year marriage and my husband told quite a few lies just as you have told your wife lies. The one mistake my husband made was to believe that he had damaged our marriage with his lies and in return he simply gave up talking about our problems, which then led to a communication breakdown. I so badly wish I could turn back the clock and help my husband learn how to be open and honest about his feelings. Unfortunately my marriage has ended in my husband and I getting divorced but you may be able to recover from your problems if you both work hard at it.

What I’m trying to say here is if you feel that many small things have damaged your relationship over the past 10 years please don’t let that stop you talking your problems through and working things out – its never too late to talk. Don’t give up too soon and then at least if things don’t work out you can say that you did your best to salvage your relationship.

Good luck

Hope

[bunnie3137]

howcome no one is replying to my thread?

bunnie 3137

[hubby]

Thank You,
I will try and talk to my wife again. I hope she will lighten up a little this time, because seems like the least little things tick her off. She says I have drove her to that point. I know my wife loves me she is the most honest open and loving person I know, its just me she has the problem with.

Hubby