Trying to come to terms with it

[lonely as hell]

I recently discovered that my husband was cheating ,we talked and decided to make our marriage work.But with passage of time it is not getting any better. I read a lot on this topic and I am trying to fullfil all his needs but somehow I feel devastated.In front of the society we pretend as if everything is fine but it is not.It is killing me.I am trying to trust but can't.It was too much of a shock, I never thought it possible.Even now I feel it can't be true ,he can't get involved with another woman but he did in his own words.I feel most of the time I am in denial that it was nothing but yet I know it was there.I try to justify that he really cares for me but feel hollow inside.
I feel humiliated and torn.
Help me.

[Kate]

Dear Lonely,

It does sound as if you are still in shock. It's a huge thing to find out someone that you love and trusted have let you down. There is something very close and special about the marriage bond that really tears you apart when it's disrupted in this way.

It's not clear from what you say how recently you found out about your husband's affair. I also don't know what you have read but many of the authors who we feature here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) know that the one who is hurt takes a long time to come to terms with what has happened, while the one who was unfaithful is desperate to move on and put it behind them.

There is an artilce on rebuilding trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/). You need to understand how each other views trust and to agree some ground rules. Although your husband may not want to talk, he really does need to do so, to help you to find a way forward.
So often growing apart happens because couples don't share openly how they are feeling. It is very important right now for you to be open with each other, even if you want to keep up a brave front to the world.

I do believe that marriage partners can love each other and make a mistake which they bitterly regret. I also believe that marriages can be rebuilt, with a lot of courage, forgiveness and commitment to act lovingly. I hope that as time goes on you will both find the way to re-establish the commitment and love between you.

Kate
:)

[lonely as hell]

I am glad you replied.Actually I want to list a few things that really bother me. It has been 4 months since I discovered.

1. The fact that he told me only after I came to know of it otherwise and confronted him.

2.His claim that it was only freindship then why the hiding and deception??

3.All through he was having this relationship he seemed so devoted to me and now I discover he was lying so much at that time. How can anyone lie with so much ease?? Respect for me had to be zero.

4.Even now he calls me several times from office, seems to be devoted and I try to take it at face value but somewhere I am not sure.

5.His insistence that everything is fine and nothing really happened and I feel somehow I have been put on the defensive coz I have been made to feel I am unneccessary suspecting and if I were completely trusting it would not have been hidden.I feel it is not true and I have a right to know if my husband was sharing so much time and talks with a girl.

6.Now I feel compelled to say yes its OK and I trust you. Otherwise he makes me feel guilty!!!!!!!! And as if I am doing a very lowly thing by not trusting.

7.I feel torn. I want to beleive he cares about me and loves me but it is tough.

I feel a permanent scar has been inflicted on my psyce mainly coz he was lying so much and I could not make out.

[Holly]

I understand exactly how you feel except my husband doesn't want to work at our relationship.

I found out about his affair on the 4th Aug. I thought something was going on even though he denied it for a while before that. So in some ways it was a relief to know I wasn't going mad.

He has now moved in with the woman and wants nothing more to do with me. But he wants to see my son. My son doesn't want to see him.

Like you I wonder how he could lie to me so much and treat me with a complete lack of respect. I just couldn't hurt another person how he has hurt me. But stupidly I still want him back.

My husband has tried to blame me for all of his actions. But I know I have done nothing wrong. I was always a supportive wife to him. My counsellor says that when he blames me he is trying to ease his own guilt.

Sorry I can't offer you anything positive. You need to work out in your own mind what you really want. At least it looks as though you may have a choice. Remember to look after yourself (easier said than done I know), try and develop some interests away from your husband so it gives you some time out of the situation and remember to focus on yourself.

Emma

[Kate]

I'm afraid lying can be very easy. It starts with the temptation to hide something small and then more lies are needed to cover up what has gone before. Once we accept our own lying, our conscience about it can get dulled. We keep telling ourselves that we're not doing anyone any harm. We aren't having a physical affair so it can't hurt our husband or wife. It's so easy to fool ourselves let alone anyone else.

Sometimes people make mistakes and then choose not to tell their partner because they don't want to hurt them. That is understandable if they have put their affair behind them and made a fresh start on their marriage.

Rebuilding trust is a really difficult thing to do, it takes time, is painful and sometimes we lose ground again. There is always a risk in trust because we can never be certain. We make the decision to trust everyday all the time. We trust the bus driver to drive carefully, the school to look after our children, that the food we buy from the shop is safe and healthy. most of these risks we never think about, but when someone has let us down once, we wonder whether it will ever happen again.

Your husband is obviously trying to reassure you. In the end all you can do is to trust that he means it and try to get on with your life. if there is anything that he could do that would help you, why not ask him to do it. The pain, hurt and doubts will take time to go away. Some estimates have said that it can take several years to restore a relationship broken by infidelity.


I believe that partners often stray because there is something in their relationship which doesn't satisfy them. It may be a reasonable judgement or na irrational one. The best way I know to prevent infidelity is to be working hard on your relationship, so that it is as fulfilling and close as possible. have you thought of going on a an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to invest some time and energy in your relationship?

Kate