Wife Wants Separation and a Boyfriend

[Martin]

I am confused and distraught and just don't know what to say or do. My wife and I have been married for over 12 years and we have had our problems. In her eyes I have not been an attentive father or husband - I haven't been going out or have been seeing other people, I have just been working hard to have a nice house, holidays etc and have had no energy to do anything on the weekends. I suppose over the years we have got in a rut and our life has become boring.

Recently, my wife has found a new lease of life and has been going out twice a week and not coming back until 4-00am. When queried she has just said that this is her life now and I have to accept it and find a new life for myself. After discussion we agreed to separate but live in the same house and try to be normal for our 9 year old daughters sake. I thought separation meant trying to resolve your differences but my wife's view is that she has tried everything and I have shown no interest therefore she is doing what she wants - it is up to me to change. She says she has no feelings for me and it was probably a mistake that we ever married!

I have really struggled with this and it has become worse because my wife has developed a relationship with another man - it's probably been going on for some time. She told me that her feelings are strong towards him and she can't see enough of him. She is with him on these late evenings, sees him during the day and is even taking my daughter to his house for tea.

My wife says she still wants to live in the same house with me and my daughter and play happy families. At the same time she still wants to see this other chap and wants me to accept it and gets angry when I get upset because I have had plently of opportunity to make things right and I am only jealous because another man is showing her attention.

I just don't know what to do - we are having major work done on our house which won't be finished for about 6 months - so we can't sell (she doesn't want this). I need to stay in the house for my daughters sake. My wife went out last night for a meal with this other man for his birthday and I just cried !!

What can I do??

[Kate]

Dear Martin

I am sure that you are devastated by what has happened. It isn't uncommon for couples to run into disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) and then not know how to change things for the better. As an independent attitude sets in, things seem to get worse. Often one partner doesn't realise what is happening because the other hides their concerns.

Michele Weiner-Davis describes it well in her article, The Walk Away Wife (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/walkwife/). Michele has also written a couple of books about what you can do when thigns seem to get very bad. One is called Divorce Busting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/divbust/), the other Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/).

We can only imagine the shock, heartache and pain that you are going through. Don't give up trying to show your love to your wife. Perhaps she will realise that what she has with you is really valuable, and every relationship seems wonderful and romatic to start with.

You will find lots of people here who will care about what you are going through and who will be here when you need some where to talk and unload.

All the best

kate

[worriedman]

I'm in a somewhat similiar situation, although I'm not sure my wife is cheating on me. I have asked and she says no...I have on reason not to trust her. We are going to counseling and the counselor gave me a book to read called "Love Must Be Tough" (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1590523555/2in21) by James Dobson. I have read it and I believe it will help you. It has several analogies of situations very similiar to yours. Try this book out, I think it might help you.

[truth hurts]

she is treating you like a doormat and you are letting her. throw her out and tell her to get a solicitor. dont let her in your home or take your daughter anywhere. make her see what she is missing and how much support new guy gives her then. you are being way too gentle so tough up and fight back. being kind has only let her walk all over you and take total control.

[Martin]

Thank you for the responses so far. There has been some very comforting suggestions. It's very much appreciated.

[Concerned reader]

Deep breath, Martin. Things are undoubtedly grim, but try to separate the emotional pressure and pushing from the objective situation. An emotional wave could carry you in to action you might later regret. You might do better by sitting very tight and letting it wash over you; nobody here underestimates just how painful that is. The thing to remember is that this may hurt like mad, but avoid doing anything which would make it even worse.

First, although your wife is showing all the classic walk-out behaviours, she hasn't walked very far, has she? The boyfriend is a whopping great insult to you but is it really about her feelings for him? I ask because if I were chasing a boyfriend, the last person I would tell would be my husband. When a woman tells you about her boyfriend, she is much more interested in what you have to say than she cares to admit.

As for the boyfriend - well, he may or may not share your wife's view of life. Boyfriends (and other women) are often amazed to find that they are being cast in all sorts of roles they didn't know they had signed up for. Very often they make themselves scarce when they find out what is being planned for them. From your post it appears he hasn't invited your wife and child to move in, or at least not until he sees the money from the sale of the exisiting house.....

So I'm not sure how seriously you should take the threat from that quarter. It is a bit unorthodox, but is there any chance of you making friends with the fellow with a view to finding out what his intentions are?

Secondly, there is the property issue. Now, if I were planning to leave I would do my very best to hurry that up and not mention my plans until the job was done. By raising the issue now, when there is no possibility of anybody going anywhere for purely practical reasons, I wonder if your wife is really saying she wants to re-negotiate the marriage? Obviously you know the situation best, but my point is that your wife's behaviour bears more than one interpretation. At the present you have the advantage of being able to chose to explain her behaviour in a way which might affect the eventual outcome.

On a note of special pleading; you don't say your wife's age, but given that your daughter is nine that means your wife has reached a ten-year mark as a mother.

Now, I'm not excusing horrid behaviour, but it is an observable phenomenon that some women have 'a funny half-hour' at about the age their children stop being infants and start being young adults. It is like a panic, a feeling that one is getting old and has got everything just about as wrong as possible. And if one could only go back ten years, well, it would be possible to sort everthing out.

For a few women it will be true that they do need to change everything; but for many others this panic yells 'quick, get a new boyfriend and that will prove you are alright'. It is a stupid thing to do because it doesn't prove you are alright, it just makes everything worse. My point is - this may be a fling, don't elevate it to the heights of great love or even passion. It is quite likely to be about your wife's self-image as a desirable woman and her insecurities, rather than the bloke she simply cannot know very well because she hasn't known him for long and even then only under highly artificial conditions.

Women can, and do, have very unwise liaisons from which they and their families do recover. See this week's Wendy Craig/John Mortimer story for living proof.

One thing I might, if it were me, make a fuss about is my daughter visiting his unknown person. You are still her father and you may want to take some legal advice about where exactly you stand on this matter. Personnally, I would draw the line here; not negotiable. The child does not visit the boyfriend until you have full information about him regarding name, occupation, address, full CRB disclosure (offer to pay for the searches yourself) and you have met him and satified yourself that he is a proper adult to have contact with your child.

Obviously that is somewhat officious, but it only formalizes what parents usually do as a couple when deciding who may have access to their child. If one parent objected, the other would normally defer to that judgement.

Also, I might slow down work on the house to give everyone time to think.....

[Concerned reader]

Er.... I'm not sure this is relevant, but here goes.

Many years ago as a teenager I had a boyfriend whose mother could have been described as 'colourful'.

I noticed that his dad kept very odd hours. This was explained by him being a worker on a national paper in the days of hot metal and wildcat strikes, which was all night work and picketting. What I failed to notice, or understand, was the other gentleman who was at home from about tea-time. He was a film-extra and very hunky-looking. The print worker was nothing to look at, but I always found him much easier to talk too and obviously the clever one.

So the print man was there during the day, and the film actor appeared at night.

Being both a bit dumb and naturally very conservative I simply failed to grasp the significance of the arrangement and would occassionally ask where the actor lived and why he turned up at meal times. 'You know actors' said my boyfriend 'always cadging dinner'. I pretended to be terribly sophistcated and well-schooled in the way of actors, but I couldn't make head or tail of it.

And I never did until it was spelled out to me in words of one syllable. They were all happy with the arrangement, or at least could live with it. The children - teenagers by then - were all in the house and not on the streets. The men had a base, a firmity in life to anchor them against illness and misfortune. The woman, who had intitiated this, presumably felt she had what she wanted. It wouldn't have suited me, but then it didn't have to.

Regardless of what I thought, they were all demonstrably better-off for cooperating in this way than they would have been if they had squabbled and divided the wealth of the family.

[Martin]

Concerned Readers - thanks for your views, they do make sense. My wife is 41 and has said that she still wants to live at our house and play happy families for my daughters sake, but wants to go out with this bloke. This is her interpretation of separartion and a long term solution, but definitely not mine

I understand what is being said about meeting this other bloke, which I have done on a number of occasions but not since my wife said she has strong feelings for him and wants to spend as much time with him as possible.

I have told my wife that I don't want my daughter going with her to his house for tea, but this gets ignored (our house is a building site and his is not!)

Thanks again for your concerns