Step father : Hero or Villain?

[Springheeled Jack]

As you know by now with my other posts, I have Step children.

"Step father" Problems are arising, as I knew they would. Id be interested to here from Stepparents on their expeirences.

My Step children naturally go to their mother for helpadvice etc. Sometimes it is behind a closed door with me on the other side. Shutters come down as my stepchildren and my wife "close ranks". Yes, she was on her own for a while before I showed up That I do understand.

I find my self on the "outside". Im only too willing to offer advice etc as a Dad should.

It does get "trying" when they will say infront of me "Mum can I talk to you ON YOUR OWN!", yeah that fine but do I have to feel Im an outsider? I though I had a good relationship with them.

When my wife and I have a disagreement, I refuse point blank to argue infront of them. That isnt on at all.

On the flip side, Ive always made sure they wanted for nothing. Im involved with my step sons school, hear about his day etc. If they need pocket money they have it from me.. Stayed with them when they were ill, etc.

Ok when they re rude etc I do tell them..

I need to tell my wife (with out upsetting her) that this is the way Im being made to feel.

So Step parents are we heros or villains?

Any ideas? :o

[smackie9]

Now I can see why you wish to have a child with her. You need that bond between a child and a parent. It's always a tough gig when you are the step parent. You are at times treated as an outsider and you'er saying "NOT FAIR!" Unfortunately that's the way it goes. These kids, maybe if they were 2 yrs old, would have bonded with you, but the reality is they are in their teens and already established bonding with MOM. They will always trust her over you:( . Goodness, you have a lot of things to iron out don't you!

[Springheeled Jack]

Concerned Reader

Smackie9, Ive loads of ironing. Firstly, I knew at the beginning, that having stepchildren wouldnt be easy. Im mean, I have experience of my mother being treated badly by my half brothers and half sister. There were really unpleasant to her.

Ive always wanted to be a Dad, above all else. I know one could argue the fact that I am a Dad, to my two step children. They call me Dad, and that in my book was an overwhelming honour, and made me very very proud. I love them to bits, as my children.

Now this may be out of order, but in my book, their biological father gave up any rights he had to them, when he abandoned them. Smackie9, I picked up the pieces and reassembled them, they were shattered kids, thinking it was their fault that he abandoned them. It was a sort of death and rebirth. It left them with a lot of problems.
I know also that old habits die hard, they only had their mother, and when I showed up, it was hard for them to "readjust". Sometimes they come to me, even my daughter ( not having a daughter before even I found it a bit strange but I rolled my sleeves up ...) comes to me at time.

I guess that it was only "natural" for me to want to have a child with my wife. I did say to her that if she told me that she have NEVER thought, even for a split second of what a child of ours would have looked like then I wouldnt believe her", she did admit that it was true.

Concerned Reader, thanks, your Step father sound like a good man, and yes, I think that your advice about thinking only of the good times, and forgetting the bad. that they arte just being silly and grow out of it.

Ive never stopped them from seeing their "biological father", they know that,yes I would feel a "tinge of envy", but that is natural, Ive brought them up when he abandoned them, I regard them as mine, when he wasnt interested in them. He cant just show up and act like nothing has happened.

Concerned reader, you make sure you give your Step father an extra big hug.

Springheeled Jack

[smackie9]

Jack, your wife has no idea how lucky she is. Most guys would have packed up and left by now. I hope things only get better for you. I guess it's gonna take a lot of persistence and patience. Good Luck My Friend. P.S. don't forget to keep up on all that ironing,LOL.

[Springheeled Jack]

Smackie9, thanks, you arent the first person to tell me that. Guys would have thrown in the towel, but isnt that too easy? Too many times in this day an age, couples get married and when the hards times happen, thats it, divorce.

My friend, Im the old fashioned sort, I stick to my marriage vows, "for better forse worse in sickness and in health". Im 41 and I think that marriages should be worked at, not just thrown away at a whim. My ex wife cheated on me, taking away my son for no reason at all. At the dusk settled, I could look at myself in the mirror as say "Well at least it wasnt you Baillie".

I met my wife on the internet, and as soon as I saw her we just clicked. It never mattered to me whether or not she had children. In fact I counted it as a blessing, what I had lost, I gained. As sort of 21st Century "Job".

I took to the kids straight aways and it was the other way around. they never said to me the standard "your not my Dad you cant tell me what to do.." They both insisted that they call me Dad, bless them.

The sadness is that my wife doesnt want my children. It will always be a sadness. However I am learning to live with me. I asked God, "please let me be a Dad", and although it wasnt in the way I expected, Im "still" as Dad to a 19 year old daughter, and a 12 year old son, and altohugh they arent blood related, they ARE my daughter and my son.

I will have loads of ironing to do still, but as you say persisitance. And there is none so persistant and stubborn as I. LOL

:-)

[smackie9]

I guess God puts us where we should be in life. So we have to make the best of it. I truely believe that. But I also believe we are in contol of our own destiny. The ball is in your court now. Where are you going from here?

[Springheeled Jack]

Well, smackie9, as far as babies and children are concerned, it wont be happening will it, lets be honest. My wife is 42 now and there is a greater risk to older pregnancies. My biological son is autistic, and although it is a trait from his mothers side of the family, not mine. My hobby is tracing
My family tree, Ive traces as far back as 1590, and I gone through family records and there isnt a trace of autism or anything remotely similar in my side of the family.

My wife has a small womb, so there for she gave birth to premature babies. I said to her that if she did get pregnant with our baby it wouldn’t be premature as I was a hefty 9lb baby! Logistically as my wife is a small woman, with a light frame, realistically she wouldn’t be able to carry a 9lb baby. Looking at it like that isnt so bad. My son was 9lb 8 oz!! It will always always be a sadness that altohugh there are two children in the house, that our marriage will be biologically childless. I used to be an avid churchmember even being a eucaristic minister in church, and after what happened with my natural son which was aqful enough, his mother left taking him and not even leaving a note, 24 hours later I had to call the police to report them missing. It turned out that she had been having an affair with her best friend Susan (...ahem it does happen!!). They ran off together and are still together now.

I did the crying in the chapel, praying to god, asking him why, to get no answer. Sadly I got disallusioned after all this. God and I don’t exactly see eye to eye at the moment. At one time Iwas always in church, but now no. I got so disillusioned. Dont get me wrong I have strayed from the path, Ive just stopped to ge my bearings..

As to my childrens bio father, well, I want nothing to do with him at all. If he is at the property I will be phoning the police. I have or will never stop the kids from seeing him, it is their choice. They don’t want to see him, at the present, although that I feel will change and I am expecting it to as I am expecting him to show up. :o

It is part of the job description of a Stepfather to deal with the biological parent.I know that It goes with out saying. As we British say, “Lets cross that bridge when we come to it!!”.

I would have coped with it better if my kids had constant contact with the guy, as one would expect. It is to be expected when any one goes into a relationship when the other partner already has children. How ever as he turned his back on them, three years ago, and then NOTHING. I picked up their pieces and they began to trust me as their Dad. My gripe is that over the past three years, Iv been their Dad, Ive been their for them emotionally, financially and done all the things a Dad should do, and then this Joker comes back and spoils all that..

Is it any wonder that I would get resentful if their biological father showed up pretending that nothing had happened?

[smackie9]

Hey Jack, You should believe in yourself more and give yourself some credit. Knowing you are a great step-father and husband, you shouldn't be threatened by the "X" at all. Have cofidence in who you are and what you provide, for your family. Worrying is energy wasted. Confidence is powerful tool, use it.

[arcos]

As an ex step father I can relate a lot to comments in these posts.

I would add, if it hasnt been already said...

I was NEVER a father to the children and I made that quite clear in front of the whole family from day one. I assured them of my love, guidance and friendship as a caring human being but I was never going to be a replacement for their 'real' father.

Insist on a united front with your wife/partner!

If there is something to be said within the family unit then it is said in front of the whole family unit. No question! Closed doors are a no, no!!

Dealing with teenage step children is difficult and I am sorry to say, girls are far worse than boys!

I managed to work around the step daughter by simply being there. Being there for the lift to her 'real' father, being there for the math homework, being there to pick up from the school disco etc etc etc. All this when the 'real' father would not have done any of it!

Actively encourage the kids seeing their 'real' father, if it is appropriate of course. If they want it then make it easy and accessible. Don't moan or complain when they want a lift to go see him!! Simply jump in the car and take them with a smile!

These are some of the things that worked for me at least and I hope that some may work you others also.