hurting
13th September 2004, 07:03 PM
I don't know where to start with this. We have been married for 12 years, dated for 4 prior to that. My husband was the kind of man who loved me with all of his heart and soul; he has, time and time again throughout our marriage, said how lucky he is to have me, [and our 2 children, 7 and 2 years old] and he was sooooo scared for my health one time when I was just sick with a very bad flu; I remember him sitting there stroking my hand, saying how much he loves me. Well, lately, we've been having struggles with our sex life; I have a very low drive, and though the quality of our sex life is great, the quantity isn't as much as he wants. It becomes a battle of 'I want to do something tonight' and then me pulling away. Then we have a big fight about it, with him saying it's obvious that I don't love him that way, etc. I try to explain my hormones, etc. and I feel I myself have a clinical depression that is on-going that I need to also try to beat. Anyway, things came to a head when I noticed he is always saying he is 'just tired' when he acts quiet and moody toward me. I wrote him a letter, when he wouldn't talk to me, detailing how I feel so alone and how I feel he doesn't want to be in our marriage anymore. He chose to ignore the letter. The next day I asked him if he wanted to have 'us' work out, and he said, shaking his head 'I just don't think that it can. I think you can change for a little while, but then you'll still have to say things, and then we'll end up fighting. He said that we are both too headstrong {I am headstrong, was headstrong when we first met; I am the backbone of our family, and he knows it.} He said he felt maybe he should move downstairs to the spare bedroom for a while. I told him it was worse than I thought. I didn't tell him, but what I saw scared me and put a cold chill in my heart, for I saw he doesn't love me anymore. I ended up telling him I wanted for 'us' to work out, and would work this all out with him. Funny thing is, normally he was always the one trying to touch me, hold me, and get me to respond, and now, the tables have turned, and I feel like I am trying to 'suck up to him' and hold things in that I would normally say, just to please him. I am so hurt that he was ready to throw it all away; though he did say, he would still live in the house, for the kids sake, but to me that meant he didn't love me anymore, and wanted to be away from me. I told him that for the kids, we'll work this all out; I said it's no life for them to see a Mom and Dad who are not together, but who live together. Anyway, to sum all of this up; I finally got it out of him, after much discussion, which he hates to do, that he is depressed; he gets NO joy out of life now, looks forward to NOTHING, and hates works very much; dreads going. To me, the man I once knew, has utterly changed, and depression has come over him. I told him this is what I am sure he has. He is a runner; runs every day, but for the last 2 weeks prior to all of this, had stopped running altogether, and I am sure this set up the depression. He has, since yesterday, ran then, and the day before, and already he seems more perked up. But I am feeling so awful because I can't talk to him or else everything might come to a head; I think I am scared he will say he doesn't love me anymore. I am dying to have the man back who I once had; the one who loved me with all of his heart to the point where we would say 'I'm so happy we don't ever have to worry about divorce.' Or cheating. I really know he hasn't cheated on me; he is either at work or at home. He has said before that when I told him I knew someone at work had an obvious crush on him that it made him feel good, and I was so hurt by that. He has just changed so much, when I look back to see the man who loved me, to the man he is now. Depression is an ugly thing. He knows he has it, and he agrees. But he won't go to a Dr.; it's too embarrassing he said. I am hoping that running will help to bring him back. That, and my no longer complaining about things around the house, etc. It is true that I would vent about things at home. I can see now I shouldn't be doing that. Anyway, I am in a state of shock, worried that our marriage could end. He has acted more normally toward me, we are both surface kind, and, we did make love the other day,and it was nice, but this time; I said 'I love you' as he hadn't said it, and he mumbled 'Love you too.' But does he, or doesn't he? That's the question. :( Gosh, I feel so sad, empty, and numb. I can't believe that he doesn't love me the same way he once did. PLEASE HELP, someone, if you can offer any insight. Thanks so very much; I am so glad I found this board!!
Edited to add: it seems to me that my husband is very much looking to find reasons for his utter unhappiness, and I feel he looked first toward our marriage, and was trying to blame that for his unhappiness, not realizing his depression is clouding his judgement in a severe fashion, in how he feels about me. He looks so confused; looks like he thinks he doesn't love me at all anymore. He is 36 years old, by the way, and just recently got into shape as he had high blood pressure and had a high resting heart rate, too, that he was able to self-fix by getting into shape. He said at the time, he wanted to be around for us, his family. I should also say; last year his Mom was DX with Alzheimers; she lives far away, we see them about 3X a year; he seems to be unwilling to face it; I feel too this is a large part of his depression. :( I told him I am here for him, I will try not to take things personally, have told him I will be watching what I say, in terms of being nicer to him, and not venting about my day, and, I am going to try to do more things around the house, as he shouldn't have to cook supper when he gets home, and he would often do that. The cleaning I kept up with, where he didn't have to really pitch in.
Edited to add: it seems to me that my husband is very much looking to find reasons for his utter unhappiness, and I feel he looked first toward our marriage, and was trying to blame that for his unhappiness, not realizing his depression is clouding his judgement in a severe fashion, in how he feels about me. He looks so confused; looks like he thinks he doesn't love me at all anymore. He is 36 years old, by the way, and just recently got into shape as he had high blood pressure and had a high resting heart rate, too, that he was able to self-fix by getting into shape. He said at the time, he wanted to be around for us, his family. I should also say; last year his Mom was DX with Alzheimers; she lives far away, we see them about 3X a year; he seems to be unwilling to face it; I feel too this is a large part of his depression. :( I told him I am here for him, I will try not to take things personally, have told him I will be watching what I say, in terms of being nicer to him, and not venting about my day, and, I am going to try to do more things around the house, as he shouldn't have to cook supper when he gets home, and he would often do that. The cleaning I kept up with, where he didn't have to really pitch in.