Help

[Michael]

I need some advice. I've been married for 5 years and I have 3 wonderful boys. The problem is that I don't think that I love my wife anymore. I mean I thoght that I did and always would, but I just don't seem to feel it anymore. It seems to start with her family. For example, last Christmas I was shopping for my wife with my mother in law. She asked what I was going to get my wife and I sarcasticly said a diamond tennis bracelet. Her mother sais"she already has one from the guy she was dating before you". We've been together for almost 8 years and the only thing that gets remembered is the guy before me. There are also some other thing that I've learned about her that I didn't know before we got married. If I did, I don't know if I would have married her. Any advice?

[Confusedman]

Hello Michael.

The very fact that you have taken time out to find this site, and seek help, suggests that you are at least concerned enough to try & save your marriage! That in itself is a positive step in the right direction. I would strongly recommend reading through some of the other posts on this site though (including my own) to give you some appreciation of the anguish and damage caused when one partner 'falls out of love', and throws in the towel. In your case, it sounds as though you are primarily reacting to your own insecurities, rather than to anything that your wife has actually said or done against you. (She is probably blissfully unaware that there is a problem, or how you are feeling!). Your in-laws don't appear to be helping your frame of mind at present (or are you being overly sensitive?), so avoid them or tell them outright how uncomfortable some of their remarks & comparisons make you feel.
Ask yourself what first attracted you to your wife, and how that then grew into love & marriage? I'm pretty sure it wasn't through an analysis of her life BEFORE she met you! She didn't know you then, and had a life of her own to lead. Leave your wife's history where it should be - as PAST history - and start concentrating on now, and the future! You married her for who and what she was when you met her, and all that followed from then, not for who or what she was before that time.
Unless you start asking questions of yourself, and your feelings, and start opening up to your wife, you will end up convincing yourself that your relationship is over, and the only direction is out! Is that REALLY where you want to be somewhere in the future? You have a hell of a lot to lose, especially when there are kids involved!
Looking back at my own situation, I'm fairly certain that if my wife & I had talked more openly and honestly over the past year, we would still be together, with a better understanding of our own, and each others, emotional needs.

Take a step back, my friend, take a long, hard look at where you are going, and then start talking with your wife!

Confusedman

[Liz]

Dear Michael,

Difficulties like this come along in marriage - none of us either find or are the perfect partner. There are lots of resources on the sitethat may help you think through what's happening. You might like to look at Coping with Disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). Remember you didn't marry your wife's family just your wife. How about getting away together to have a break from the children and focus on each other with an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html).

Working through the difficult times is worth it - there can be real joy in loving commitment that has survivied a few tests.

Liz