How often is enough?

[Springheeled Jack]

Ok, delicately put, how much making love is enough? I hope that this isnt to much a question to ask?

Me, Im always ready, however my wife isnt. when we first got to gether it was very frequently, every other day, but as time went on, it got to once a week, then to once a months and now "when ever".

If I make the first move then it makes me out to be "demanding", but it I didnt then it would never happen, as some times I think that she does out of "obligation", and I would rather that not be the case.

the last time was nearly a month ago, please please dont get me wrong I love my wife and I would never do anything untoward, Im not that kind of guy, but this is "frustrating",

Am I being unreasonable..

[Kate]

Dear Springheeled Jack,

I don't think the quality of a relationship can be judged by the number of times you make love. It's more about good communication, puttign the other person first, showing your affection all throught he day, respecting each other and so much more. Making love is the expression of the closeness we have in all other areas.

From your other posts there are obviously things going on between you and your wife, which are holding you apart emotionally. As a woman, I would fidn it different making love with my husband with resentment and hurt brewing between us. I need to know that I am loved and accepted for who I am.

There are articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthsex/)about how much is normal and much more. Why not have a look.

Kate

[Velvetrope]

It isn't just men who have this problem. I am a 28 year old attractive woman, and have been married for two years, with my husband for nearly 7. He is rarely interested in sex. For the first six months we were together it was OK, but after that, things really went downhill.
We have sex about once every six weeks or so, depending. When we do, it's very unsatisfying. I haven't had an orgasm in many years.
My husband is a good provider and is honest and a wonderful father, just not Don Juan in the romance stakes.
I just get over it, but I know eventually if he doesn't pull his socks up I will be tempted to have an affair.

[SHJack]

Velvetrope, I know the feeling, I really do....

Springheeled Jack

[Velvetrope]

I can certainly understand why men go out and have affairs. If your needs aren't being met, it becomes very frustrating.

I have tried everything!! Sexy lingerie, midnight come ons, hopping in the shower with him, talking about it, everything. Nothing works.

[SH Jack]

I love my wife to bits but I dont know how much longer I can cross my legs for!!

I would never knowingly have an affair, but as you say my needs are not being met. MY wife doesnt make the first move, its always me. It would be nice fore her to initiate lovemaking she doesnt.

She used to be so "tactile" with me but she isnt now. It had crossed my mind once or twice that she may be having an affair, Ive no idea of knowing what to look out for if she is.

Im in a loveless marriage. What else can I try, velvetrope. Ive tried everything that you have. Nothing!

Last night I made it Sooooo obvious to her that I was "in the mood" and I may have been talking to the wall because all she did was sleep and it was about 8.30pm so it wasnt late!!

It is coming to the point that even my "subconcious" is playing tricks on me. Im having the most "erotic" dreams, modesty forbids me to say what they were about, and when I wake up there is nothing.

What do I honesty do? Im very much reaching the end of my tether....

[jade]

I am in exactly the same boat as both of you. I am a 26 year old female who has been married for nearly 2 years but lived with my husband for 2 years before getting married.

Last year we had a very bad year, relocated, he lost his job & could not find work for ages & I gained weight. I thought the lack of sex was due to the stress he was carrying & supported him as best I could.

The bad year is now behind us, I only have 1 pound left to loose and nothing in the bedroom has changed. I am sick to death of trying every romantic gesture under the sun and getting nothing in return.

I have gone through everything that you have mentioned, the wondering about an affair, the dreams, talking to him, suggesting councilling etc. The only response I have gotten from him is that he loves me & does not feel the need to have to prove it in bed. We dont even go to bed together of wake up together. He wathches TV untill late and wakes up just before he needs to be at work. On weekends he sleeps untill 12!

The only way I have decided to deal with it is to resolve myself in the fact that I need to keep my family together for the sake of our daughter. He is a very good father and she adores him. So this is the sacrifice I will have to make.

I must admit it is not easy & has given my self confidence a huge knock. I often cry myself to sleep at night just wanting some passion & to feel special in his arms again! I have never considered an affair as I take my vows very seriously but can only now understand what can drive someone into another persons arms.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[Julide]

I think I am the one who all of you want to talk to.I am the one who does not want sex that often.My husband is frustrated usually,and we are only new,married in May.In my previous relationships I was a very sexually active woman.None of them was serious,none of them loved me enough to marry me but sex was great.Finally I have found a man to love me to the fullest,and I don't want sex no more.It would not bother me if we did not do it for 3 months..He is very honest,he tells me this is mostly why people cheat sometimes,tells me he is into his porn so much because of this and so on.
I love him , he turns me on everytime he takes his top off, but when it comes to doing it,I just can not be bothered,although he is very good in bed and we want each other physically,no problems.
I have even looked it up,I'm not frigid,I have orgasms.There is no problems ,I just dont want it, I dont understand.i don't want to do this to him,i really want to be like you people.Back to how I was..

[sam76]

This is a very interesting question Jack and I can sympathise with you, although my personal situation is a little more desperate. I have been with my wife for 12 years and we married in April 2004. The frequency of sex in the relationship has varied massively over the past 12 years, mostly because of outside factors; work, stress etc. However, since we married in April I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have made love!

I love my wife very much and have known for some time that she hasn't felt anything physical for me for some time. I put much of this down to our working lifestyles. I think this is partly to blame but there are much more fundamental issues at play. Things that I never even considered before. I discovered my wife actually slept with another man recently and since then we have been taking a long, hard look at things. One of the specifics that she has raised about sex is control. She felt that I have control of many aspects of our life/relationship and that she may be trying to counter that by not wanting sex.

Probably not that helpful but just my 0.02p worth!

Try to talk to her but don't focus on the sex side if things. Maybe try to look at other aspects of your life that may be affecting things. And don't stray...take it from a guy who is still reeling from the pain of having this done to him...it is the most devastating experience I have ever had to endure.

[SHJack]

Nope, Ive no intention to stray. I just keep hoping that things with get better. As my grandmother used to say, "itll all come out in the wash" meaning it will get better in the end.

I even resorted to going to an "adult shop" (...ahem) and buying my wife a
sex toy. that helped somewhat!! Ok our sex life could still improve and the point of fact that me going to such a shop, hopefully shows my wife that Id do what ever to improve it.

Plus the fact that our childrens bedrooms are next door and across the hall doesnt help matters, most of the time it feels like Im having an affair with my own wife that we have be quiet or most often than not we make love in the dead of night when they are asleep.

Such is life eh!!