What is the difference between Jealousy and envy?

[Springheeled Jack]

Hiya,

Well, 12 years ago my present wife had my step son. The biological father was not the most desirable guy on the planet, he was cheating on her behind her back whilst she was having their baby.

Any way, she had a really hard time with the birth, givng her a fear of pregnancy, Ive since found out is called "LACHIOPHOPIA", I think that Ive spelt it properly.

Anyway, as to me, I have an 11 year old son by a previous marriage, who I see once a month due to his mother being "difficult".

When I met my 2nd wife she had two children, my stepson and my step daughter. I come frond a big family where my three younger brothers have 4 children each.

Sadly my biological son was the only child from my first marriage, his mother got pregnant after him, but she aborted the child behind my back pretending she had lost it naturally. I found out all this after she left.

All Ive ever wanted was a family, to be a Dad. My father was never there for me, so I wanted to be a good Dad. My kids biological father had children by women other that my wife even whilst they were together, 8 in total.

My wife told me "I dont want any more children, so deal with it!!", She had two kids by that man who is is to all things dodgy and cheated on her, but when some one like me genuinely wants children by my wife, because rightly or wrongly I see a baby as a joint union of the love we share for each other and would bring us together, and celebrate our marriage But no she flatly refuses.

My stepson's birth was 12 years ago, medical science has progressed since then, she hasnt even been to the GP to see if it were possible, she is just not interested at all.

Dont get me wrong, I get on with my step children, and they call me Dad, which was their choice, I was so touched when they told me they were going to call me that.

Their biological father turned his back on them 3 years ago. Ive been there for them like a Dad should. Secretly I would like my own baby, is that so terrible? My wife and their father have the two kids together, but what does my wife and I have to gether? Why does she have his kids, and he abandons then, but want nothing to do with having mine?

Why should my brothers have children and then me, I have a biological son I rarely see, and not for the want of trying, and Ive a wife that doesnt want my baby and doesnt care what I think about it. As you can see, there are a lot of "whys" and no answers. Any one any suggestions?


Am I jealous, or envious?

Springheeled Jack

[smackie9]

You're not a woman so you will never know what it feels like to go through a pregnancy. It's like pushing a watermelon through a keyhole. Your wife has decided that she doesn't want to go through that and with the late night feedings, diaper changing and the crying again. She wants to have a life and enjoy it. It doesn't mean she loves you any less, she's just had enough with having babies. Basically you've should have dicussed this issue with her before getting into a serious relationship. If you love her, you will accept her decision. Jealousy is envy mixed with hate. Envy is jealousy mixed with sadness. So I pick envy.

[Springheeled Jack]

Hiya smackie9

Well, if my wife had said, "I know you would like children and I would love to give you a child, but I cant Im scared. It doesnt mean I love you any less.." That I would have accepted and come to terms with it.

Before we were married the issue was always evaded. She would said "There are two children here that need a Dad, they have alot of problems", to which as Id always wanted to be a father, albeit a step father, I pitched in and was and hopefully still am a Dad to them. My Step son is a bit of a handful at times but basically he a good kid, my step daughter is a good kid also. Ive never had any bother with either of them, despite the ups and downs every one gets we all get on really well.

After we were married, all I got was "I dont want any more kids so deal with it.." Being told something like that is harsh, even though it was true. Dont get me wrong I do enjoy being a step dad, my step kids call me Dad and that is wonderful.

Ive looked after them for three years and will continue to do so as a dad should. My concern would be is how will I feel if the biological father turns up. He abandoned them three years ago. I would so have a tinge of jelously. after all my wife and him have the two kids, what do my wife and I have biologically..

I dont know if there are any Step parents in here, who will agree or disagree, but whilst it goes with the territory that steps child do have a biological mother or father. It isnt the same as having your own child. Dont get me wrong, I love my step children as my own and they are treated no differently from my own biological son, I dont prefer one above the other, they are all the same.

I see us having a baby as a celebration of the love that we have for each other and cementing our marriage. If that is wrong of me to see it like that then someone please tell me.

Is it wrong to want to have a child with my wife? I only have one biological son who I see once a month for a few hours due to his mother being difficult.

I do realise however that my wife does fear child birth again ( she had two kids and she fears childbirth okay then...). If I were a woman in her position and I told my husband I dont want his child, wouldnt I be a bit more "tactful" when talking about the kids bio father, knowing full well that my husband wants children.

Im one of four sons, all of the other have large families with four kids, and me being the eldest has to be satisfied with one son.

Any one have any other opinion that might help?

[smackie9]

From what you just posted, isn't it obvious that your wife just wanted a good and caring father for her children? Her avoiding the issue with you in the beginning was a warning or a red flag, ya know "I don't want anymore children" in not so many words. You are avoiding a sad reality. Now you're stuck. What to do. You can accept not having children with her, or you can move on and find a woman who will. Sorry, but I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just pointing out the obvious. She will keep coming up with excuses and I can see it's gonna keep hurting you.:( Why not tell her to come clean and be honest with you once and for all. If you love her, you are going to have to come to terms with this. My best friend's husband was like you. He wanted to have a child with her. She didn't. She already had a daughter from a previous marriage.They are still together and happy, awaiting for their future grandchildren.;)

[Springheeled Jack]

I hear what you say smackie9, yes it does hurt me a little. It was hard to accept not having a child with my wife. It was a natural thing to feel that now we are married that it would be nice to have a child. Irrespective of whether or not we have one the feeling is there.

All I ask is for my wife to be "tactful" where the kids "bio father isa concerned" and I ve said as much to her. It isnt asking a lot.

dont get me wrong I am happy. I feel however that as a step father, what rights do I have? The harsh reality of that is none.

Ok, I can look after my step children of which I do, and I regard them as my own children, I love them dearly, that is nt the issue here. When it comes to decisions over my 12 year old step son, I get side lined and the descisions are made by his 19 year old sister and his mother. Me think I just there to be a giant walking wallet. Wallet open "Goood Lad", Wallet closed "Mean so and so"

Their bio father has never provided any maintenance for them, it has been me. Ive been keeping them. Thats as well as coping with the CSA payments for my own son froma previous marriage. Dont get me wrong money is nt everything and Im not asking for a medal. Some acknowledge ment would be nice though!

Seriously though..

I can get disrespected by either of my step kids, and my wife just sits there and says nothing!! I react and Im the villian of the piece.

Yes, I am a good and caring father, or at least I hope I am. However if and when the "bioloigal father" turns up, all of that goes out of the window. Irrespective of whether I picked up the kids pieces when he turned his back on them, listened to their worries and fears, praised them when they did well, or even when they didnt, provided a roof over their heads, paid the bills etc etc, that counts for nothing.

Mind you the one thing I have never had from them is the old phrase "You're not my Dad...."

I have told my wife to come clean, but all I get are excuses, she wont even let me adopt my step son. So what do I do?

I dont want to go through another divorce, the last one nearly finished me off. Dont get me wrong I do love her, and I would come to terms with this if she just told me the truth.

She did say that when she had my step son, it was her life or his. Her father had died 10 days before. That miserable excuse of an ex boyfriend was no help, all he was interested in was bedding some woman in their bed whilst she was in hospital. So she thinks that if she has a nother baby she will die.

Then in the next breath she was brought up to believe that she she has a baby by more that one man that she will be viewed as a "woman of easy virtue" (not the word she used but for the sake of decency Ive cleaned it up!).

then she said that our stepson is a handful. Good grief which is it!

Some times I think that Im a "stand in" until their biological "father" makes an appearance.

[smackie9]

My goodness, you have alot on your plate. If your wife can't be truthfull, and you feel like a walking wallet, and...there might be a chance the "X" will return....why would you want to bring a baby into this nasty mix of things? You better get some counselling soon, for you and your wife. How do you even sleep at night. The stress must be overwelming! Your stepkids are the real winners here. You are the only stable thing they have in their lives and they know they need you. So it's time to stand up and take command of your life and get professional help. Maybe it will open your wifes eyes and realize that you mean serious business here!:mad:

[Springheeled Jack]

I certainly do have a lot on my plate. and yes the stress is so over whelming. As for sleeping, I do sleep sometimes.

Counselling has been suggested by be, but my wife flatly refuses. As to the X
returning, how should I react? On the negative side, that man cheated on my
wife, when she was pregnant with his son, whilst she was in hospital, with
several differnt women, deals in all things "dodgy", has 8 kids by several
women, supports none of them.

I support not only my biological son from a previous marriage, but I also support my step son, ok my step daughter is 19, but it doesnt stop her from "Dad can I have..."

there biological father abandons them, comes back, and when they dont do as he wants, he abandons them again. That infuriates me. I can not belive my
wife would allow him to see them again, ok my step daughter is 19, so It is up to her. My step son hates him.

Im speechless that my wife would put the lad through that again.

It infuriates me that Im having it hard to see my son, who has moved to burton on trent of all places, my Xwife is so being difficult. I doted on my son, and my X left with no reason nothing:( and it has been very difficult to see him.

Then only the other hand there is my present wife ready to let that miserable excuse for a man back into the lives of those kids.

Hence me saying "You and he have those kids together, what do me and you have.... Nothing." If you look at it from my perspective, that is envy, I "wish" we had children, or at least a "baby". I know that there are the two kids in the house, but our marriage is "biologically childless".

Shouldnt she support me? Why should he get to see him kids after what he did to them,and she lets him and then I have to go through the courts to see my son.

It annnoys me that I can support my wife wife regards to my step son, being involved with his school, going to the doctors with him, or the hospital as he has learning difficulties, paying for his football classes, helping him to read etc etc, basically being a "Dad". However if I ask for some support where my son from my previous marriage is concerned, she refuses to help or support me. :(

Is that fair ? Perhaps not, I think. do correct me if I wrong that my wife should at least stand by me. What do you think?


I will have to be "really sure of myself" to take charge!!

[smackie9]

I guess your wife feels her X has a right to see his kids even though he's a jerk. The kids are old enough to tell their mother they don't want to see him. I hope they speak their minds to him when he does show up. Really It's up to them to let him know he is not wanted. You should go to counselling on your own for now. They will help you to communicate better with your wife and hopefully you can encourage her to get conselling too. It will take time for sure. What would a baby bring to your marriage? Controll over your wife? All these problems you are having with her will go away? Revenge on the X? Well? If she won't protect her own chidren from getting upset and hurt by letting that jerk see them, what kind of mother is she then? Children should always come first! Where's the unconditional love here?? If he were my X, I would tell him "I'll see you in court!" if he wanted to see my kids!:mad:

[Springheeled Jack]

Thank you for your reply,

As to the questions that you ask, No Im not trying for revenge on her X, etc, I married a woman that I love dearly, isnt it natural that I should have parental feelings, with out being made to feel that they are wrong?

My wife wont take her X to court, that I do know. he doenst know where we are. He excuse is "well if he was interested he knows where my mother is" Well, that hasnt happened so shouldnt it tell her something?


I did say to her that if she had "never thought for one momment at any thime what a child of ours would look like, I would think that she was fibbing", to my astonishment she had. :eek:

After that I havent broached the subject with her again, it isnt worth it. Although it doest stop me from thinking about or "seeking advice" from you guys!

I just want to put things back on track with my wife. I have suggested a weekend away at half term. Just time for us.

I would welcome suggestions..

[Liz]

Hi there,

Why not book onto an enrichment weekend. They will give you some input about themes around marriage but also lots of time with each other in a warm and caring environment. There are Marriage Encounter (http://www.marriageencounter.freeserve.co.uk/dates.htm#medates) weekends about that time. My husband and I did a weekend many years ago and it just helped us to take stock and grow a bit closer. We came away really encouraged and looking forward to life together. It's not counselling for porblems but creates opportunities for couples to rediscover why they want to be together and how to love each other more deeply.

Liz
:)

[smackie9]

Alone time together sounds like a good idea. Maybe being away from home and kids will help her to open up more,:) for talk. Good Luck. Do it soon!

[Concerned reader]

Dear Jack

Do be careful not to allow the past to reach forward and curdle the future. The overall situation is not too bad because it contains many opportunies for resolution and building creative relationships.

Separate the issue with your own child. Get counselling for yourself about that because it may be possible to act in a way which decreases the difficulties with your ex-wife. Purely guessing, but she may be jumpy about your present wife and think you are trying to lure the child away to your new family? Dispel any idea of that sort and the difficulties may reduce.

As regards the child you would like; you are assuming that just because such a thing has been possible in the past it would be possible in the future. While this is a reasonable assumption, it discounts the fact that you wife is some years older now and may not be able to carry a child at all. Is it really worth arguing about a theoretical child and souring the present for something which might not be possible anyway?

The decision is yours, of course, but you would be paying a whopping price in terms of family and self-image if you chase this one because the only way to solve it, as far as I can see, is to leave and find someone who does want more children. Fairly or unfairly, you wife appears to have made her mind up so you may have to find a way to be reconciled with that. Perhaps this is the kind of thing a religious advisor could help you cope with? They are very good in my experience where people have to learn to live with 'brick wall' situations.

[Springheeled Jack]

I think that I should really be grateful for what I have.

Yes, it would be nice to have a child with my wife, I mean what is wrong with that? Howevershe doesnt want children, which will always be a great sadness in our marriage.

Im still a Dad to the two kids. Destiny gave me what I needed not necessarily what I wanted. They were kids with out a Dad and I was a Dad with out kids.

As to the Ex, well long may he stay away, he gave up his rights when he abandoned them.

Ill concentrate on my marriage and what I have, and not dwell too much on pipe dreams.

Jack

[nicola]

If I were your wife I probably would be too afraid to have another child. The father of her two children is a dead-beat dad and although you are not a dead-beat dad, your wife is protecting herself.

She is likely protecting herself for fear of history repeating itself. If she has a child with you and your marriage with her fails, she is left raising three children rather than the two she has now.

In my opinion her earlier experience has made her sceptical and probably makes trust difficult for her.

If I were you I would concentrate on being the best husband you can possibly be while being the best dad you know you are and let time and your actions increase your wife's trust in you as a life long partner.

If you love her as you say you do, don't pressure her, just love her unconditionally. You may be surprised where that leads.

Good Luck

nicola

[Springheeled Jack]

Cheers nicola, I think Im going to need it.

Read my post about me meeting the bio father and youll know why...

Jack