Battleweary.....

[Confusedman]

Hello again.

Haven't logged on for a while, and only wish I was throwing some good news into the pot. Unfortunately, I've none to give. Its three weeks now since my wife left the home we had built for ourselves, to live in a rented house not far away. She now appears to be contentedly carving out a 'new' life for herself, including furnishing her new place with bits and pieces from the matrimonial home(!), and there seems to be no sadness or regret involved (unless she is putting on a very good act). Our house has been on the market, and its sale was finally agreed on two days ago. Already my wife and have talked about a 'separation agreement', and solicitors are to be consulted! Everything seems to be moving so fast!! My wife has told me that nothing has changed for her, that she sees no future for our marriage, and that it was right for us to break up. But STILL I haven't been given a proper explanation of why she feels that way, what problems she perceives as unfixable within our marriage, or (and this is THE most frustrating part) why she is so disinclined to try a save an eleven year relationship which was fantastic for most of that time! When I try to seek answers, I get the same response: her 'feelings have changed', she wants to live as an 'independent woman', and (best of all) that she loves me, but isn't 'IN love' with me anymore. Sorry folks, I can't get to grips with that one. When you fall in love with someone, there are reasons for that, a process that unfolds - you value their friendship, they make you laugh, you share the same dreams, etc. So when you fall out of love, surely the same thing must happen in reverse? That's what I need answers to: where it went wrong, what I did wrong, and why can't it be fixed? Sorry to ramble, but it looks like my marriage is over (much as that is terrible and difficult to accept), with no way back, and I simply don't know why!! Less than a year ago, my wife and I were so much in love, that we were trying for a baby and looking forward to a wonderful future together as a family. Now I have lost her, that dream, and my home! How can someone become a stranger so quickly? How can someone reject their partner with such apparent ease? Had our marriage been loveless or abusive, or had I been a drunk, a gambler or a womaniser, I could understand her leaving me! But this is crazy, and I just can't get to grips with what has happened!

[Jacks]

Hi,

I am really sorry to hear your story, it isn't fair what is happening, I understand fully how you feel, my H has been gone 10 weeks now and it hurts so much to see him getting on with his life and I am not part of it anymore! He is still living with his mum and dad until after christmas, then he is going to look for a place of his own! The 3 boys seem to be coping with it very well and I have to say, it is getting easier for me! At the beginning I couldn't go to bed as it was so empty, then in the middle of the night I would wake up and get all upset again, as he wasn't there anymore! I kept thinking, what have I done, why has he changed so much in such a short time? He told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that his direction in life has changed! I don't get answers, but then at the beginning I did ask him and he just put a wall up, so it is easier to not talk about it at the moment, it will have to come from him! I do think that they are mixed up and are panicing about there feelings, so they rush into things and think that it would make it all better! Believe me, one day they will open there eyes and realises what they have done! It is early days, so let her do what she things she has to do and you try to get on with your life day by day, don't worry about tomorrow, think about today, don't beat yourself up about what you have done wrong and so on, it's not you, it is her! My h told a friend, that he found something better, when I repeated this a few days later, he got angry and said that he didn't say that!? How are you with her? If you are talking to each other, do you ask her questions? Don't, just do small talk, happy talk and see how she reacts! Go and read up on midlife crises club.com, I have learned a lot about it and do think that they are going threw mlc/depression, but don't talk to her about it, as she would laugh at you and say that you are being silly! I write a journal and put my thoughts down and then read it again a few days later! I know you want answers, so do I, but I don't think that they can give us the right answers at the moment. I asked my h a few weeks ago about his feelings for me and he told me that he has been feeling like this for over a year, this was in April he told me, so I asked him why he bought me a teddy with I love you on and a card with lots of loving things and that he loves me for ever on it for Valentines day, he didn't know what to say!

Be strong and show her that you can get on with your life, don't be angry with her, just be there and be nice, if you are upset and angry and show her, you will push her away even further! When I have a laugh and talk about some good things, we seem to get on a lot better and he wants to stay around more, but when we argue or talk about his feelings or my feelings, then he can't wait to get out of the door! You can say nice things to her, if you spent some time together and it went well, say thank you for taking the time to talk to you! I bought several books, like divorce buster and others, they are really good and a lot of it makes sense is well.

Don't give up, if you still love her, then support her from the distance, with love and care!

It will get easier and you will be able to deal with things better, but don't expect it to happen over night.

Take care

Jacks

x

[Confusedman]

Hi Jacks,

Thanks again for taking the time & trouble to reply. All that you said is good, sound advice, and very much appreciated. My trouble is that I have always tried to rationalise problems, and that is how I understand them, cope with them and usually manage to solve them. This is is why I get more & more frustrated and confused than anything else when my wife tries to explain that she 'just fell out of love', or that 'her feelings have changed'. There have to be reasons for that! We have spoken (or tried to speak!) about this on previous occasions, as I attempted to find out what went wrong between us (or moreover, what my wife felt went wrong between us), but she gets only 'agitated' by the topic and my inability to understand or accept our present situation. We spoke on the telephone last night, and the conversation ended up turning to this topic again. I put forward some of my observations on where I fely we had messed up over the past year. Things like not spending enough quality time together, the stress of trying (and failing) to start a family, bottling our anxieties up instead of communicating, worrying about work and money too much, losing our spontaneity. She didn't disagree with any of of it. But, maddeningly, she connot (or will not) accept that through recognising and dealing with these issues, we can overcome them & begin to repair the damage done. My wife has said that 'its too late' for that and that 'our relationship is now over' with no prospect of renewal. She tells me that she cares for me and respects me, and that she values my friendship, and all the love and support I have given her over the years. She says she carries 'wonderful memories' of our time together, and she will always treasure them. I feel as though I am now completely dead to her, and that she is burying me and our past history with fond nostalgia, rather than with pain & regret. My wife has repeatedly assured me that no-one else is involved (and this has been confirmed by friend & family), and becomes annoyed that anyone should suspect that. In short, she seems very determined to create a new life for herself, on her own. 'ITS OVER - ACCEPT IT!' seems to be flashing in huge neon lights in front of my face, yet part of me just can't lose hope. Am I an idiot? But how do I stop fighting for the thing I believe in most?
However, the advice I am getting is that which I must now follow. Leave her alone. Leave her to it. This road is going to be a long one, and I can't expect a change of heart or mind any time soon (if at all). If I could shake my present apathy and sadness, I could concentrate on me a bit more. Its beginning to happen - slowly, and more like a 'learning to cope process' than finding inner contentment again. But I keep having setbacks. I'm currently packing up the contents of the home my wife & I started to try & build up two years ago, and I am constantly stumbling upon old memories that break my heart. Old Valentines cards, photos & love notes. Its all pain, and its all happened so fast.
I think I've said enough for now.
Sorry to be so morose, but thanks again for your feedback. It all help me feel less alone.

Take care of yourself

x

[Jacks]

I know it is hard to look ahead, believe me I went threw so much hurt and still am going threw it! I do want answers and I know he can't give me any at the moment, maybe never I don't know, but it will have to come from them! I started going forwards step by step and then fall 5 steps back, I have so many memories in the house, it really hurts to think about the things we use to do together, also a few weeks ago I found a letter from H he wrote to me a few years ago and I read it (wished I hadn't that day), the things he said in there were so nice and he said that he couldn't live without me and wouldn't know what to do if I ever leave him! It is so unfair that someone can just walk out and think they can just move on! Deep down I think he is hurting is well, but wouldn't show it! I want to grab hold of him and shake him to tell him to wake up, but that would make it even worth! I try to be happy and nice to him when I speak to him and see him, it is hard work, but it has helped me to cope with it better.

We have separated our accounts and a few times we have had arguments about money, I went for some advice (solicitors) I told him about it and because work colleagues spoke to him, he went mad and said if we get solicitors involved, that it would get nasty! He doesn't want a divorce ( well he said that he had been to a solicitor later on and that she told him that he couldn't file for divorce,as he hasn't got any grounds, when I talked to him about it 2 weeks later, he said that he never said that, even though our oldest son was with us at the time) he said that he wants us to be separated for 2 years and then we can go through with it!? A few weeks ago I asked him about coming back and trying again, he said it wouldn't work and that he would start an affair shortly after! At the moment he said that there isn't anyone else, his mum told me that he doesn't go out very often, but I have noticed that he gets a lot of text messages when he comes and spents some time with the boys and me ( we go together to the football )

Unfortunately nobody can tell you what you should do, how long it would take or if they would every change, but I am not giving up hope until I am ready, I get on with my life and try to rebuild things, think about Nr. 1 for a change, so don't give up hope!

I found talking about my feelings and thoughts help so much, but just be careful who you talk to, as I found out the hard way! When I was first told that he doesn't love me anymore, the first thing some of my friends said, is that he has got someone else, so I got so hooked up about it and started accusing him, that's when things started to get nasty and he said that if I can't trust him, that it wasn't worth going on! I got into such a mess about thinking that there was someone else, that it showed and we argueed all the time, that's when he went for a break (only 2 weeks he said).

Keep strong!

Jacks

x

[Confusedman]

Thanks again, Jacks.

I agree with the 'wanting to shake sense into them' part! I think that deep down our partners became unhappy with themselves, and went on to associate this hurt & discontentment with everything closest to them - including ourselves! Worst of all, they seem to have got so caught up with themselves that they forgot to communicate or discuss these concerns when they first began to surface. If they had, something could have been done to improve the situation! Maybe they believe that we (as loving partners) should automatically be in tune with their anxieties & emotions, and react instinctively to counter them altogether!). When we aren't (usually because we have misread the signs or missed them altogether!!), do our partners then assume that we no longer care for them and then harbour resentment for our lack of action? Maybe they believe by avoiding talking about a subject of concern, it will simply evaporate with time. Apparently, the opposite is true. Niggling doubts breed and multiply, and if not challenged fester like a disease. Well, thats how it seemed to be for my wife anyway. She just became withdrawn, and remote. Just, different from her usual self. (I, for my part, should have tried to get to the root cause of this, instead making assumptions as to why she was becoming withdrawn, instead of asking her and then helping put it right). In short, we both got caught up in our own little mind-sets, and forgot how 'read' each other. Open communication is what we lost when it mattered most. Strange, because we managed to do this pretty effectively for almost ten years!!
From looking at the threads, it also seems that (initially) our partners are truely convinced that their decision to walk away was the right one, and embrace this newfound 'freedom' without fear, reservation or doubt, and can't contemplate the possibilty of return. But don't you think they are damaged goods? They seem lost, and only serve to make themselves more discontent as they strive to create their new world. I think this is especially true of partners who profess to have simply 'fallen out of love'. They think they are being strong by leaving a good relationship which has faltered - but isn't it a weakness to simply run away? Your husband seems to find comfort in dipping in and out of his 'old' life, but can't commit himself to return. Why is that? Do people in his position fear that to return will brand them weak, fooloish or a failure? Do they think that we will use this as a stick to beat them with? Here's the catch - at the minute our spouses hold all the power. They are dictating terms (whether consciously, or not). They are the ones who made the decision to leave. We, on the other hand, continue to love them, and will do anything to try and save our relationships. Do they feel that reconciliation would humble them in some way? Do they believe that if they came back it would be to the same environment that made them leave, that no compromises or changes could be made for a happier future? Of course it wouldn't. That would be a recipe for disaster! However, my greatest fear is that our partners will never allow themselves to accept or recognise that their decision to go was wrong, no matter how much the gloss wears off (and it will). Will they then doggedly stick things out just to 'prove' to themselves that they can. Will they just move from place to place, or (God forbid!) into new relationships in their attempt to fill the void they have created for themselves? Lots of philosophy and questions I know, and I only wish I could answer them for myself. Can't though. Very, very frustrating!!
One of my wife's closest sisters told me that my wife 'was in a little bubble, with no-one in it but herself'. That's pretty much how I see it too. I can only hope that somewhere in the (near) future, that bubble will burst, and reality comes crashing in. And that my wife will have an 'Oh my God! What have I done?' moment. Fantasy perhaps? I love my wife to bits, and miss her enormously; the way she was, and they way we were (before all this mess happened!). I will just have to hang on for the ride and strive to be more positive. You try to do the same, Jacks. It sounds like you are already at a stage where you are becoming more focused about yourself and your own needs. I hope can I reach that level soon.

As always, take care of yourself, and thanks again.

x

[Hope]

Hi Battleweary,

I have had a good cry whilst reading your story! Infact I cry most of the time lately due to my circumstances.

I am going through similar emotions as yourself at the moment after my husband left myself and my two boys 2 months ago. My husband had an affair and is now living with his lover. I know your wife hasn’t been unfaithful but either way it still hurts just to be told that your husband or wife is no longer in love with you. Lots of people keep trying to tell me that I have to just “accept” it! I keep agonising over and over again and asking the questions “why” and “what went wrong” and “why didn’t we talk about it more”. I’ve decided that I can’t keep tormenting myself in such a way and I’ve decided to seek some advice from a counsellor to try to make sense of it all.

My husband visits 3 times a week to see the children and its all very difficult having him here in the house. He says he wants to be my best friend and that he still loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. How confusing is that to me! Some days I wake up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel odd and lost and just want it all to have been a bad dream…… unfortunately its not a dream and its really happening.

However many times I ask my husband why he fell out of love with me and why he didn’t just expressed his feelings more rather than seek comfort from another woman and start an affair, he will just reply “I was unhappy”. I’m not a difficult woman to live with. I’ve been a full time mum and have brought up the boys, kept the house spotless and did all the household chores, paid the bills and basically my husband only had to come home for his dinner after work! I would listen to him tell me all about his day at the office etc. but for some reason I wasn’t a good enough wife for him. I gave him everything I had…. He was my whole life! Even though you may feel you are devoted to your partner if they change then nothing you do will make a difference to how they feel.

Battleweary….. as hard as all of this is I think all of us need to accept its happened. I’m not sure how we accept it and move on but I can only imagine it’s a bit like when someone dies. When my mother died 7 years ago I felt pain for a long time but now I just have happy memories. Perhaps in time our marriages will feel the same and we will stop feeling pain and we will just accept it. I look forward to that time and hope it comes soon! Just remember you are not alone and there are hundreds of us poor rejected and hurt people out here and if we all talk to each other and offer advice and support it will help aid our recovery. Keep talking it can only get better.

Take care

Hope x

[concerned reader]

Dear Confusedman

I'm very sorry you are going through this and I thank you for writing because it helps me to understand what is going on in my world.

Looking at this board, surely no-one can dispute that we are looking at many repeated situations which are more remarkable for their similarity rather than their differences. Sometimes I even feel like I know the partners mentioned!

My theory-in-progress is that we are unluckily caught up in the 'kidult' phenomenon. The partner has not adjusted to what their life has become and so tries to wrench it back to before the current relationship.

That's ok for teenagers, but as time goes on it is a less and less viable way of running a life. Attempting to re-set your life after every decade is like 'Groundhog Day'; it looks like another chance at life but that is an illusion because no real progress or growth happens.

The kicker is that if you have become involved with a kidult, there may be no way to persuade them to grow through a phase; they really think that a re-set is the best way forward. Sadly, if you are on the recieving end it may seem like you have arbitrarily been 'set back', which hurts like hell.

I'm not saying divorce can never happen. I have known people who have divorced what for what are demonstrably good reasons, but the hallmark of that is the way they can give an objective account of their decision. That is not over-analytical, that is being an adult. Kidults work on hunches, feelings, things they cannot explain and an indulgence of 'what I want right now' as opposed to being able to look at their behaviour in a longer time frame.

There isn't much of a bright side to any of this, but I do believe that the general attitudes are gradually changing. At present it seems to be a little too swiftly indulged; if someone is unhappy, that must be someone else's fault and the way to deal with it is to run away. But just by writing about their lives and the effects on children and other relations, the people on this board are saying 'No, that's not necessarily the best way to deal with the human condition'.

So I keep reading and I hope you - and they - keep on writing.

[Confusedman]

Dear Hope,

Thanks for responding to my last. I’m truly sorry to hear that you are going through the same soul-searching, answer-seeking process as myself. Its very self destructive, I know, but how do you stop yourself when you have been given no real or valid reasons for the situation? I also recognise that friends and family advice is to ‘accept it’ – that’s because they don’t want to see you hurting. Again, the difficulty is that they are asking you to accept what you find unacceptable.
Our partners have betrayed us, whether physically or emotionally. That’s the bottom line. The love, trust, friendship and commitment we have given to them over the years has been relegated to a lower level, or rejected as history. It would be easy for us to be angry and bitter (as others may expect us to be), where it not for the fact that we still love them.
It’s so frustrating when our partners are unable to explain their actions, or express their feelings. It makes me wonder how they can act with such conviction when it comes to walking out!
Strange, that your husband still feels ‘comfortable’ enough to spend time in the family home, and with such regularity. Its as though he can’t quite let go, even if he can’t recognise that for himself. (My wife periodically turns up to pick up mail etc., whereas she could have arranged to have this redirected). Our partners seem to be in a ‘zone’ that makes them indifferent to our feelings.
You are right when you say that we are going through a process akin to bereavement. But I would (cautiously) suggest that it is almost worse than bereavement, because although death is accepted as an inevitable conclusion to life, you can still love (and be loved) by that person until that moment.
It’s so sad that your husband has taken up with another woman - I think he will only find disillusionment once more, and she will be hurt in the process.

Take care, and stay strong.


Dear Concerned Reader,

Thank you for you input. I think you have pretty much hit the nail on the head. Certainly in my wife’s case, her (frustratingly ambiguous) attempts to ‘justify’ or rationalise her current resolution (i.e., preferring to separate, rather than fight for a once excellent relationship), simply boils down to her “not feeling the same way anymore”. Thats me nothing, and only raises more questions than answers (especially for her!). What happened to her commitment and passion that was the foundation for our marriage? What happened to the enormous bond of love and trust we had built up over 10 years? Until my wife learns how to properly identify, confront & communicate what has caused this shift in her feelings, she will never learn how to counteract this effectively (and I will forever be in the dark!). She hasn’t learned anything other than to run away - and will now probably carry her discontent with her in the long run. Is this a cycle of life she is paving for herself? I am driven to despair at her pessimism & unwillingness to learn from our recent mistakes, and her lack of interest in moving on to create a stronger, more resilient & more in tune partnership! I had already looked long and hard at myself, and to where I had messed up over the past year, and had been trying to make good repair- but my wife seemed to far gone to want to meet me half way. Now she has simply given up.
As I said before, my worry is that, once our partners have made the decision to go, they may find the prospect of reconciliation even more daunting (even if their ‘new’ life turns out to be miserable), because they fear they would be returning to exactly the same environment that brought them unhappiness in the first place. It’s the eternal Catch-22 again, with us stuck in the middle.

Thanks again for writing, and take care.

[Hope]

Hi confusedman,



Thanks for your post. I find it very comforting to share experiences because I no longer feel alone with my suffering.

My husband and I have already started divorce proceedings and today we had to attend a mediators meeting to help us to agree on maintenance payments for myself and the boys. I managed to stay cool calm and collected right up to the last 5 minutes and then finally broke down! My husband doesn’t express his feelings and always appears in control which is very annoying. I haven’t even seen him shed a tear yet.

My husband is coming over tonight to try and finish off some of the financial paperwork and to see the boys. I think you’re right in saying that he can’t quite let go – we met at 17 years of age, together for 21 years and married for 14 of those and I do believe there is still some feeling left on his part but obviously not enough to want to work things out. He says some odd things for example, he can’t imagine not seeing me ever again and not being a friend to me – not sure how easy that will be for me because I didn’t even want the divorce in the first place. We have to have a certain amount of contact because of the boys I suppose.

Do you think you’ll keep in contact with your wife if you don’t work things out? I did tell my husband that I may have been able to forgive him for his infidelity had I been given the opportunity to try but he insists that I would always be checking up on his movements and that I wouldn’t be able to trust again – perhaps he’s right. At the moment I just feel as though I’ve lost my best friend.


I think you are absolutely right when you say our partners seem to be in a ‘zone’ that makes them indifferent to our feelings. At the end of the day I think we deserve better than this. Perhaps its all just meant to be! Who knows we may all find ourselves in new relationships in time and be grateful to our partners.


Anyway, perhaps in time your wife may change her mind and may want to try again, many people do but the question is will you be able to? I know my marriage is definitely over now and there’s no hope for any change there and now I’m just looking forward to having a brighter happier future because things can only improve from now on.



Bye for now

Take care

Hope

[Confusedman]

Dear Hope

Thank you for replying. I am very sorry to read that things have taken a turn for the worse. It's very sad that your husband feels there is no road back. I think it comes back to what I said before, that our partners fear a return to the relationship would also mean a return to exactly the same environment that they felt the need to run from in the first place, and that no change or improvement could made. They actually need to turn the spotlight on themselves for a while, and ask themselves why they can't find contentment with a partner who clearly loves them!
My wife has been saying the same sort of things as your husband - 'I will always be your friend' etc. Frankly, I don't buy that one. True friends don't hurt and maim each other. True friends don't bail out on each other when the going gets tough. True friends are loyal to the end. Our partners have treated us very badly. We have been deserted and betrayed by the people who we were most intimate with, emotionally & physically. At the very least, we deserve a proper adult explanation as to how & why their feelings came to change, and why they are so determined not to even attemp reconciliation. If my wife knew the future with the certainty that she projects for our relationship, I would have asked her for the winning lottery numbers a long time ago!!
And after saying all that, if my wife was willing to try again and had exorcised her 'demons', I would take her back - but I would need to feel sure that we would never allow the same thing to creep up on us again.
If things don't work out......? well, I can't really see why either of us would want to stay in contact. What would be the point? It would just be like opening an old wound time and time again.
I hope with all my heart that we can work this through, but it will need a willingness or desire on her part, and I haven't seen any evidence of that so far.

I wish you the very best with the future, Hope, you deserve happiness in your life.

Take Care

Confusedman

[Hope]

Hi Confusedman,

I think you’re absolutely right in your comment about our partners not wanting to return to the environment they ran from in the first place. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what they're actually running from? My husband certainly needs turn the spotlight on himself and address his own problems. I only ever wanted to have a normal happy family life and watch my two lovely boys grow up! Perhaps some people are never satisfied!

I also agree with you about the “wanting to be a friend thing”. Friends don’t treat you in this way and should be there through thick and thin. The day I said my marriage vows I meant every word….. I almost feel as though they’re worthless in this day and age – I fear I’m becoming a cynic!

I attended a Relate session today which helped enormously. I talked all my problems through and felt exhausted at the end of the session! I was advised to write to my husband or email (that’s quicker!) to ask him all the unanswered questions that keep going round and round in my head - apparently as soon as we understand our spouses reasons for leaving we can then begin to accept whats happened and move on or try to salvage the marriage. I have sent my husband a list of questions but whether he’ll reply is another matter – he’s ALWAYS too busy with work issues. Sometimes people find it easier to put their feelings into words as opposed to conversing face to face. Oh well, its certainly worth a try, even though its not going to make a difference to his decision to divorce but at least it will help me through the acceptance phase!

I hope your wife starts to communicate with you soon. All the best.

Hope

[Confusedman]

Thanks Hope.

I have tried everything to get my wife to be less ambiguous about her reasons for leaving, and to explain why she seems so utterly unwilling to save our relationship. I have written to her on several occasions (because when I tried to talk directly to her, she became agitated and felt 'pressurised'). Writing allowed me to be more composed, less emotional, and enabled me to lay out where I believed we had messed up, and how we could learn from that and move on as a better equipped, more unified couple. I recently asked her if she thouhght she could write something back, but I was told that 'wasn't how she liked to do things' and that she 'preferred to talk' (!!). How maddening is that!? I wonder if she genuinely believes that she has explained herself fully? All I know, from waht I've been told is that 'her feelings have changed' and that there is no-one else involved. My words and letters seem to have no influence, and my wife remains entrenched in her view that our relationship is over. If our time together had been miserable and mundane for many years, and this situation was an evitable, and predictable conclusion, I could better understand. But it wasn't. We had 10 years of mutual love and friendship. Now she has build a wall around herself, and I just can't get through.

[Angel]

You have both written (more eloquently than I can) exactly how I am feeling at the moment - if I had a reason for his departure (apart from the fact I don't close drawers properly and don't dry up properly etc and no explanation of how and when his love changed andhow he can't remember how he knew he was in love.....) I think I could deal with things better. Again I have cries of 'you're pressurising me..' He has blocked me out of his life and I do not recieve the respect I deserve as a human being, let alone as his wife. He says he owes me nothing after 10 years!

[Confusedman]

Hello Angel,

Sorry, but after the investment of 10 years of love, friendship, commitment & respect we have shown them, our respective partners owe us a hell of a lot more than the lame answers they have been providing to date! While we can't deny that our partners have become inwardly unhappy (whatever, or whoever is to blame) but they should have enough backbone & desire to see that as a challenge to be overcome. My wife has never been a selfish person, and yet she has now committed the most self-centred act of betrayal possible, and against the person who cared for her the most! It's also clear that our partners have developed a huge lack of tolerance. What pathetic 'reasons' your husband has given you! (Guess what? I don't close drawers properly either!)
I've just started reading the book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' (the sort of book I would NEVER have thought about reading before my circumstances changed so dramatically), and have been astonished at how accurate some of the observations are in it - and how many times I have seen myself (and my wife) mirrored! It's clearly written (no 'psycho-babble'), and has helped me understand how some of my best meant actions may have had the opposite effect! Maybe for the first time I have been given greater insight into areas to which I had been previously blissfully unaware. It would do no harm to get yourself a copy, Angel.
I am now tempted to give a copy to my wife, so that she at least understands she isn't unique when it comes to her current feelings and frustrations, and that the assumptions and predictions she may have made about us both aren't necessarily all that they first appear. In itself, the book may not necessarily be a 'wonder-tool' for fixing my marriage, but anything which may have a positive influence in that direction, or which may plant a seed in her head, can only help(?). I only wish I could start to see some sort of instinctive willingness on her part, but she is behaving as though I have commited some horrendous act against her, for which I am now being punished!!

Take Care.

[Hope]

Hi Confusedman,



You have summed up our partners behaviour in an impeccable way! In fact you’re so accurate in your descriptions I’m not sure I even need any further explanations from my husband!

My husband has obviously become “inwardly unhappy” and he should have confronted and challenged me with his feelings instead of selfishly betraying me with another woman. I think marriage is too easily disposed of in today’s society and people are beginning to have zero tolerance. I’m pretty confident that my husband has learnt nothing from our separation and will undoubtedly destroy his new relationship in time. I hope, on the other hand, that my experience will make me a stronger and better person.

Lets have a bit of fun here…… I don’t close drawers properly either especially if something gets stuck in it!!! I also might leave a blob of toothpaste in the sink and forget to wash it away….. how about that one?

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is supposed to be a very good book. I may purchase a copy especially if its going to help me understand relationships better - obviously don’t want to make the same mistakes in any future relationship I may have, that’s if I can bear to go through another one! There’s no point me lending the book to my husband in the hope that I may “plant a seed” in his head because its too late for that.

Confusedman and Angel, lets hope that both your partners get a wake up call soon and sort things out with you both. Sometimes people just need a little time out – time is a great healer…… or so they say.

Bye for now

Hope

[Confusedman]

Thanks for your last, Hope.

If I were you I would still give your husband a copy of the book as he (like my wife) apparently needs to be better educated when it comes to understanding what can help or harm a relationship, and how easy it is to misinterpret one another. If our partners have come to feel indifferent towards us, and are therefore equally indifferent what we now do or say, they may only be receptive to advice, guidance or suggestion when it comes from an independent source (?). As I wrote before, I'm currently only a short way into the book, and it's already got me thinking!
Whenever my wife and I were on holiday, we used to love cuddling up in bed, so that I could read one of her novels to her. It was a very loving and bonding experience. I only wish that we had read this book together! It may have opened up our eyes long before things went wrong, and encouraged us to recognise and discuss some of the home truths revealed in a relaxed and friendly manner!
As things stand, our partners need to realise that if they can't rise to the challenge of honouring and fighting for the most important commitment they vowed to undertake, they will only end up running away from anything and everthing if they deem it to be too tough to deal with.

As always, take care of yourself.

Confusedman

[Hope]

Dear confusedman,

Finally my husband has opened up and highlighted all my bad points via email. He couldn’t seem to do it face to face. If your wife begins to open up her heart and express her true feelings you may find it makes you very upset and angry, especially if you feel the reasons are unjustified. I have mixed emotions now. Part of me feels inadequate and another part of me just feels that my husband is intolerant of others or me in particular.

Its basically things like, my enthusiasm to get on and decorate our home has annoyed him over the years. I used to get on with the decorating when the children were at school and my husband was at work - I thought I was being pro-active in making a nice cosy home and taking the pressure off my husband but obviously not. I’m not sure why this annoyed him because he hated decorating and this house would have taken us years and years to finish had I not completed it. When I move to my next home I will be just as keen and enthusiastic so I doubt I’ll do anything to change that part of my personality.

He said that I set my standards too high and he gave the tidy home as an example. This one made me very cross because I only used to keep it clean and tidy because he would moan if it became messy…… very confused now!

Apparently I make assumptions sometimes and in his eyes its wrong! Am I weird or something? Is it wrong to make assumptions about things sometimes. Does anyone else do that? Please let me know if it’s a bad thing !

He covered some of my good points….. how generous of him. I care about others before myself, I have a nice sexy smile and my eyes sparkle when I smile, I care about my appearance and intimacy was always good very good. In fact this last point was always a mystery to me because whilst my husband was having his affair nothing changed in the bedroom department. If I’m totally honest I feel rather used and abused by my husband now.

Any way that’s my summary of where things went wrong! The Estate Agent is putting my house on the market this week and I am now looking for a new family home. Its all very sad and I fear there will be many, many days of heartache yet to come. Must dash now I’m packing some of husbands bits and bobs into boxes today. May as well get on with sorting out this home now that the marriage definitely over.

I hope you’ve managed to shed some light on your wifes feelings Confusedman .

Bye for now.

Hope

[Jacks]

HI,

This is so strange, on Friday my H come round with a bottle of wine, the reason he came round, was that our youngest son is playing up a bit, he is coming in late and has helped himself to some of my cigarets ( I know, after 17 years I started smoking again, just seems to help me at the moment) H said that he would come round so we can have a chat together, as he still wants to be part of making decisions and teaching the boys right from wrong! He even told our son, that even if he would have to move back in for a week to calm things down. That's when I asked him (with a smile on my face) if I could then move in to his mum and dads for that week, so I can have some space, freedom and no responsibilities, he just looked at me and didn't say anything! Later on he told me about me not changing, that I am still the same as before, so I asked him what I do wrong, he told me that he couldn't tell me, it would hurt too much, then I said that he had changed, but that I accept that people change! One of the things he didn't like about me, was that I am not as tidy as he would like me to be, that the ironing isn't done all the time and that things are a little messy. Well you try with 3 teenagers and working all day and taking the boys to training and so on! Then later he told me that he doesn't have any feelings for me at all anymore, but he wants us to be friends, even best of friends, even if we start a new relationship with someone else! I don't understand this at all, he comes round and likes spending time with me and the boys, sometimes the boys are out and he just spends time with me, I am not sure if I can carry on doing this, as it really does hurt when he tells me that he doesn't have any feelings for me and just wants to be friends, it would be ok, if I felt the same, but I don't, I love him and would want him to come back! I still can't understand how he can just give up on us! Any suggestions on what you found worked for you? Do I not see him at all and let him make arrangements to see the boys with the boys ( they are old enough and all have mobiles, so he doesn't need to contact me) I want to spent time with him, but because I still live in hope, how can I sort out my life and get things in some kind of order, if I am still hanging on him and just can't let go! I started to get stronger and stronger, but feel that after the weekend I am gone so far back, that it hurts again so much and I just can't sleep again, eat properly or do anything positive!

I could really do with some advice or just some supportive words! :-(

Jacks

x

[Confusedman]

Hello again Hope,

I don't how I'd feel if my wife were to simply present me with a list of 'faults' about myself (despite the fact that I have been searching for answers ever since she hit me with the 'I'm not in love anymore' bombshell!!). Whereas something like that would help me understand those areas where I personally went wrong (and thereby confirm or deny the conclusions I have already reached for myself), I would prefer any form of dialogue to be more focused on where WE went wrong and (more importantly) why that should now seem such a difficult obstacle to overcome!!
I would love for my wife to sit down with a piece of paper & pen (privately, and just for herself), and draw four columns. In column 1 she should down a list of all the good things I brought to her and our relationship, and column 2 should be all the bad things I brought to to her and our relationship. Column 3 should be used for suggestions or solutions to counteract all that was raised in column 2. Finally, column 4 should be used to describe why these solutions WOULDN'T work!!
Sounds like a bit of a technical exercise, perhaps, but I would be very interested to see the conclusions drawn in that last column. I would imagine that our partners would actually struggle to come up with much that was valid and rational if forced to examine their actions, rather than relying on feelings, hunches or instincts!

The 'reasons' on your husband list look like excuses (and not very good ones) more than anything else, don't you think? He needs to explain WHY these 'annoyed' him. For example, with regards to the decorating, did he feel 'undermined' that you had (with the best of intentions) taken on what would have traditionally been seen as 'his' role? Did he resent you because he was working long hours while you were enjoying creating a home? He needs to look at himself more closely to determine why he should have these feelings. It's maddening that our partners reactions have been to apportion blame, breed resentment and retreat into their unhappiness, rather than examine and discuss these feelings openly, and attempt to resolve things! And for our part, we have misinterpreted their silence as contentment!
As things stand with my own wife, I just can't get her to enter into any sort of proper dialogue. When I tried to talk her, she backed off and felt pressurised. When I don't ask, she doesn't offer. When I write, she doesn't reply! SO FRUSTRATING!!

Anyway, enough said for now.

Take care of yourself


Confusedman.

[Hope]

Hi Jacks,



I totally understand how you’re feel. I’m in EXACTLY the same situation as yourself. My husband has now told me, as you know, what he doesn’t like about me etc. but behaves pretty much the same as your husband does.

He comes over to see the boys and seems to want to be around me as well. He still embarrasses me and tells me that he wants to be my best friend even if I have a new relationship! I also still have very strong feelings for my husband and even after his infidelity I would consider trying again. He feels that we’ve been through too much together and that it just wouldn’t work.

I’ve often thought it would help if my husband stayed in the car and waited for the children and then just dropped them off after he’s been out with them for the day but he likes coming in to see me. I’m very hospitable and even with everything that’s happened I still give him a cup of coffee and a bite to eat – I just can’t be hard and mean. Perhaps I’m too welcoming… just don’t know what to do for the best.

My husband has even said that when I do form a new relationship with someone else he may find it difficult to see me with another man – in that case why doesn’t he just stop this nonsense and come home? My husband was my best friend even though he was often a like a grumpy old man but love is blind and unfortunately I still love him, just as you still love your husband. I keep having strong and positive days and then I get very panicky and just can’t stand the thought of spending the rest of my life without him by my side! How can I be best friends with this human being who has treated me in such a way? Quite honestly Jacks I just don’t know the answer to that question. It hurts to see my husband and its even worse when he goes home to his new home.

At the end of the day perhaps they want to cling onto us as friends because they are feeling insecure and alone but just can’t admit to it. I also think that if they distance themselves from us they may also fear they will distance themselves from the children and perhaps that’s something they couldn’t deal with. I understand how you feel when you say you’re hanging onto your husband because I feel it’s the same for me – I suppose I live in “hope” that he may just change his mind. There again perhaps I’m only feeling this way because I’m simply afraid of what the future may hold for myself and the boys…… it may be full of wonderful new things and a wonderful man who appreciates me and my decorating skills!!!!!

Keep talking Jacks

Hope

______________________________________________



Hi Confusedman,

Thanks for your reply. It was nice to be presented with a list of faults and I also agree that a four column table would have been far better!!! I’m very much like yourself because I like to find the problem, solve it and improve if necessary in order to make a difference. My husband sees it much more simplified ie I have faults, he has faults so lets just give up – how defeatist is that? I’m a fighter and I don’t give up that easily and its so frustrating.

I think you may be right in that my husbands reasons are just excuses and very poor ones! When he first left he said that he’d fallen out of love with me and loved his new woman but now if I remind him about what he said there’s just silence and then he will say that he’s still in love with me but we just can’t get on anymore.

As for the silly things like me decorating and being too enthusiastic…. My husband hates painting and decorating so what does he have to complain about. His job is so demanding, even though he says he loves it, so even if I did take a step back and leave him to it he simply wouldn’t have the time. I think my husband is a drifter. He works hard and enjoys climbing the promotional ladder but when it comes to relationships he just wants to drift along and not plan for anything.

I wish I could just accept that I’ve been defeated ………if only it were that easy!

Bye for now

Hope

[Jacks]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for that, I am exactly the same as you! He comes round and I will offer him a coffe or a glass of wine, then sometimes he stays for a long time and we have a really good chat, I sometimes want to give him a hug, but I am too frightend of him pushing me away! I really don't know the answer to this, but can we just carry on like this? My dad asked me the question, how can he start missing you, if he is getting the cake and eat it! He has got his freedom and at the same time, he knows that he can come round to see you whenever he feels like it! I just feel that I am on a roller coaster ride and ask myself is it time to get off and try something different? Maybe if I don't see him, he will start realising what he is missing, but then I am frightend that I am going to push him away altogether! I was thinking about telling him, that I can't deal with this at the moment and that I need time without him coming round, then I think about it and I know that I would miss his company so much!

Hopefully we will both find a way to deal with it better one day!

Jacks
x

[Confusedman]

Hi Jacks

I sorry that you are going through another tough patch. This road doesn’t seem to get any less rough, does it?
The comment you made to your husband was probably too close to the truth for him too handle, since it reflected exactly what he is doing – dodging responsibilities!
Your son’s current behaviour may well be a reaction to the your ongoing situation - he will be confused and stressed too!
My parent divorced when I was in my early teens, and I remember how rough a time it was. The difference is that my mother and father evidently loathed each other and had absolutely nothing in common. Their arguments were frequent, loud and often. I swore to myself that if I ever got married, I would never treat my spouse that way, and I resolved to be the opposite of my father. That’s why I was completely shattered when my wife told me that she was leaving! I had always treated her like a princess, as acknowledged by friends and family (my father-in-law is devasted by what has happened!). Until very recently, I had always felt valued and loved in return.
Now, our partners seem to have become so caught up in themselves, and so overly defensive that even the slightest thing we do or say is seized upon as fault or criticism, and magnifying beyond all proportion. They probably look on such moments as a reaffirmation of the conclusions they had already reached about us. How unfair. It’s crazy and maddening. Furthermore, don’t you think that our partners are still (unconsciously?) relying on our love to ease their own transition? We are expected be ‘oh so very reasonable’ and understanding throughout, while their treatment of us, and regard for our emotions, can border on appalling! It’s a real kick in the teeth when your hope is that they may be regretting their decision, or hurting alittle too, only to find out that they are (apparently) coping quite nicely without you!!
For my part, I believe I have been more than civil, restrained and reasonable, given that it was my wife’s decision to walk out of, rather than fight for, our marriage. She has already taken a fair number of things from our matrimonial home to help furnish her ‘new’ home. Last night she came round to sign some papers with respect to the sale of our house. During that time she asked me if I was going to give her some money to compensate for the stuff that she would be leaving behind, & which I would be keeping!! I couldn’t believe my ears! I was really annoyed, not only by her lack of sensitivity, but that she could make such a suggestion in the first place! I held it together and just said ‘no’. A minor argument developed, during which I reminded her that she was the one who had decided to destroy the marriage - which wasn’t the wisest thing to say (but still true!) - and she left before either of us said too much. Not a pleasant encounter, and I was probably clumsy in what I said. My wife on the other hand will probably notch that up as a reinforcement to her decision to leave. I just can’t win! If I don’t stand up for myself, I become a doormat. If I do stand up for myself, I become an unreasonable ogre in her eyes!! How are my wife’s feelings ever likely to change if this is the sort of encounter we are likely to have? I am being treated as though I have done something dreadful to her, rather than the other way round!
Jacks, I hate to say it, but I’m beginning to realise (with horror) that we may just have to accept that our partners have become so self indulgent and far removed that they are beyond repair or reach, particularly if they have shown no will or interest in reconciliation. It hurts so badly when I think of this that I try to bury the thought, and replace it with possible solutions. But is that just denial, setting me up for more pain? I don’t want my wife back if she has become loveless & selfish. I miss the girl who used to smile when I came into the room, or reached for my hand as we walked down the street together, or just kissed me unexpectedly, and for no other reason than because she felt like it. Her love was spontaneous, warm and real for so very long, and now seems to have vanished altogether. Maybe that girl has just gone for good, and I miss her so very, very much.
I have only a few more cards left to play, and then my hand will be done. If that all fails, no-one can say I didn't try my hardest. Only time & distance will soften her, or else take her away forever.

Sorry if I have come over all negative, but I am having a down day.

Try to stay strong, Jacks, & take care.

x

[Hope]

Hi Jacks,



I have to agree with your father on this one. Seeing as your children are older and your husband doesn’t actually have to come to the house I would take some time out and ask him to give you some space. Absence does make the heart grow fonder and if he is going to have any regrets, begin to miss you and change his views on your relationship then it may help if he sees less of you.


I wish my children were older because I would prefer to put some distance between myself and my husband right now, even though I do look forward to his visits…. Sad isn’t it? The problem is I have to see my husband because my children aren’t old enough to just meet my husband anywhere etc. I would like my husband to miss me and perhaps realise that he’s possibly made a mistake but all the time he’s coming over and enjoying my hospitality he’s having his cake and eating it as your father quite rightly pointed out!

I don’t think that not seeing your husband for a while will push him away. I think love is a very strong feeling and if he truly loves you and misses you he will be back. If he doesn’t and you drift apart even further then I suppose even though it hurts it’s time to accept that you have to move on to a new chapter in your life. Why not give it a go and see if it makes a difference - you have nothing to lose. Why not get a new hair style, buy some new clothes, do some keep fit and let him see you in a few weeks time looking stunning! Since my husband has left I’ve lost a stone in weight, I have a new hairstyle, I’ve bought some new clothes and I do Yoga every day. He’s beginning to compliment me, never used to, perhaps he’s beginning to see what he’s thrown away after all!

Let me know what the outcome is. I’ll be thinking of you.



Hope

[Jacks]

Hi Hope, hi confusedman,

Well it happened last night! I finally had to put an end to it! I told H that I can't be friends with him anymore, as I still have strong feelings for him and he told me that he doesn't feel anything at all for me anymore. He said that I look great and am a really great person, but that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, all he wants us to be is friends and when he starts a new relationship with someone else, he would want me to become friends with the new person! (?) I told him that I can't be friends with him, as I was still building my hopes up when he came round and now I know that it is only from my side, I will have to let him go and not see him anymore, to be able to move on! I love him so much that it hurts and I feel that I am back to the beginning of all this, but I can't be friends like that seeing him so often knowing that he hasn't got any feelings for me at all anymore! I want our marridge to work, I told him even if there was a little bit left in him, that I would stay friends and try to work at it, but he doesn't want to and he understands that I have to do what I have to do! I am going to tell the boys tonight! I am going to miss him so much, but I can't do this anymore! If there is no hope then how can you work at the marridge? I hope I am doing the right thing, maybe, just maybe he will wake up and realise that he is going to loss me and it will make him think, but then maybe it wont!

Sorry not very good today, I could do with some comforting word!

Jacks

x

:-(

Life is just so unfair!

[Confusedman]

Hello Jacks,

I was really saddened to read your last thread. You must be going through all sorts of heartache & confusion right now. You have made a very difficult, but brave decision Jacks, & I commend you for the strength you have shown in making it. If your partner is utterly unwilling to save the relationship, while you have made every effort to salvage it, then you can do no more. No-one can say you didn’t try as hard as you could (least of all, your husband). You were simply let down by his immaturity and weakness when it came to tolerating & accepting all aspects of commitment (and the true implications of that), and by his lack of vision for compromise & change. I think this experience will I only serve to make him less of a person and less of a human being in the long run. Ultimately he will remain unfulfilled, moving like a nomad in his search for contentment. I sincerely hope that some day your husband will take time to fully reflect upon what he has done, how much hurt he has caused, and how appalling, selfish & weak his actions were. Only then will he be able to appreciate the value of the love, loyalty & friendship that he turned his back on.
Maybe now that you have told him you no longer want any sort of contact with him, and he finds that his ‘comfort zone’ has been lost, the reality of what he has lost will hit him harder than before - but don't expect that to happen straight away.
It’s not surprising that you feel (emotionally) right back to square one, and I don’t envy you at all. You are having to start the grieving process all over again. But having said that, if you have completely accepted that your marriage is over, the recovery process may be a little easier, because this time it will about healing YOU and not your relationship.

I went very cold and scared inside when I read your letter, because unless my wife’s position shifts dramatically (and I see no evidence of that), I can picture myself somewhere down the line having to say the same thing to her.

Jacks, I hope you get through this one with as little pain and unhappiness as you can. Don’t forget, you are not alone.

Take care

Confusedman x

[Hope]

Jacks,

Its very difficult when your husband tells you that he wants to be just friends even though he no longer feels he can continue with the marriage. I think my husband is an unhappy man and doesn’t really know what he wants out of life, he’s a bit of a drifter at the moment and nothing I say or do will make a difference to his life. My husband still insists that he wants to be my “best” friend and truly believes we can remain friends. The trouble is with my situation is that my husband hasn’t just left me to be alone he’s left me to live with the lady (that’s being polite!) whom he had the affair with. He seems to enjoy my friendship and still asks for advice regarding things I used to do in the home etc. I get a little annoyed and ask him why he doesn’t ask his new partner! I know he’s beginning to miss all the things I used to do as his wife and he’s finding his new life hard work but that’s the price he had to pay for his inconsiderate actions. Perhaps now he will appreciate just how much I put into this marriage and this home.

I have no choice but to have contact with my husband whilst the children are young but perhaps when I’ve moved house and found myself a nice job I will then adjust to my situation and even begin to enjoy a more harmonious environment. At the moment this house is filled with memories that make me feel very sad indeed.

Yesterday my husband came round to spend time with the children and we chatted later about money and the financial settlement – this ALWAYS causes arguments! I stayed calm and just watched him get all stressed – for once I decided it would be nice not to give him any ammunition to justify why we can’t get on or for him to use these disagreements as reasons for us not being able to live together anymore – I was very pleased with myself for not reacting to his moods!

Jacks, you’ve done the right thing by not seeing your husband for a while. In time things will get easier and you won’t think about him quite as much plus it will make you a stronger and more independent person. Perhaps when you are feeling less fragile and more able to cope with your new life you may be able to see your husband again without feeling too hurt. A friend of mine divorced about 8 years ago and she’s now married to a wonderful man and she says that she no longer has any feelings for her ex husband and is very happy indeed. I do believe there is life after divorce and I’m sure you will find another relationship one day and it’ll be just perfect.

Keep talking Jacks

Hope x

[Confusedman]

Had another heavy day yesterday. Went to bed early, didn’t sleep much. Worn out now and thoroughly fed up.

My wife came round last night to pick up her mail & sort a few things to do with the house sale. She talked some more about finances. Guess what? She’s finding it very tough on her own income. (Did she think she wouldn’t?). She busied herself by telling me how much hardship she went through, and was still going through, in setting up in her new home (!). She said that she was ‘maxed out’ on her credit cards and had no money left, and no-one to borrow from. In short, she was skint and looking to me for money! She said she felt humiliated by having to come and ask me for help, but again gave her opinion that she had entitlement to half the value of the property still left inside our house. Even before I could say it, she said it for herself: she had made the decision to walk out and was now dealing with the consequences of that. But added that she felt that she shouldn’t be ‘punished’ further for her decision!
Well folks, much as I tried to bite my lip and remain calm, all this was like a red rag to a bull. Her current self-obsession seems to know no bounds! I reminded her how hard I had tried to keep her from going & to try and get her to view reconciliation as an option; how much hurt & hardship I had been put through myself; how little explanation or reason she had given me for her departure, and how patient and accommodating I had been to date.
Furthermore, I thought her ‘tactics’ were dirty. Rather than ‘humble’ herself by asking me directly for financial help, she had used her entitlement to property as a smokescreen. I lost some respect for her there and then. A ‘debate’ ensued (I didn’t allow it to escalate into an argument), but it still wasn’t pretty or helpful, so we cut it short.
I carried a heavy box out to her car for her, and only then were we able to have a calmer, more subdued conversation. We sat together, and she became teary eyed as she talked. I comforted her (like I used to do) by rubbing the back of her neck and holding her hand, and she didn’t object. (Very surreal!). The tough woman who had presented herself to me previously was noticeably more frightened, unhappy & vulnerable. Sap that I am, all I wanted to do was take away her pain. We talked more about finances and her situation, and had some more chat about us. My wife remained firm in her view that she had been right to leave. Although she described her ‘new’ house as ‘lonely & crappy’, she insisted that she felt better there in her own space. (Work that one out!?). I asked her outright why she seemed almost to hate me now, and why she wanted to run from me, rather than work to put right whatever had went wrong between us. I pointed out how impatient & intolerant she had been behaving towards me recently, and how hurtful and unfair that was.
I wont relate all of the subsequent conversation we had, but the most significant things she said were:

“Please try to understand that all I need and want right now is to be on my own and do my own thing as an independent woman. I know I have hurt you very badly. I have had to live with the guilt of doing that. It hasn’t been easy for me either, because you have been so good to me, but I made the right decision to leave.
I can’t be in a relationship with anybody right now and I don’t want to be. That’s the last thing I want to do. I just want to be on my own. And even if I was to get into a relationship in the future, whether or not that was with you again (!!), or somebody else, it can’t be until I sort my own life out first.
I still care about you, I still respect you and I still want us to stay friends. Believe it or not, I still love you, but I’m just not in love with you any more. Those feelings have gone. I have changed. That’s why I made the decision to leave, before we ended up hating each other or destroying each other”.

WOW!! Does that sound rational? Now I am worried sick about her, on top of everything else. It's as though my wife has gone through (or is going through) some sort of breakdown! I have been trying to deal with my own confusion & unhappiness, and now it seems that my wife (contrary to my belief) still remains in a deep pit of despair of her own. She has no obvious plans or agenda to work to, and isn’t really doing anything different in her life other than living by herself and having less of a life than she had before! I simply can’t see how isolating herself in that place can be healthy or productive for her. She is just hiding, and hoping that ‘different’ equals ‘better’ and that time will make all the bad stuff disappear!!
I can’t do anything other than wait and do nothing other than be there for her when she needs me. Or does that just make me weak and taken for granted? A shoulder to lean on when things get tough? I have always been naturally protective of my wife, and apparently still can’t shake that instinct! Should I help make things easier for my wife, or let her face her difficulties alone? The more this goes on, the more confused I am becoming!!

Another kick in the teeth!

(Very) Confusedman

[Concerned reader]

A horrible night, Confusedman, I hope you sleep better tonight.

There is a chink of light here. Notice that in times of trouble you are aknowledged to be a safe source of support and advice, although you had to cut through the rubbish about entitelments to half the value of what is left and similar nonsense.

That means you are recognized as fundamentally decent and not prone to spiteful retaliation. Somebody is beginning to wonder if they have made such a good decision....

It may be that if you can leave a pathway, she will gradually be able to walk back up it. But it will be slow and I don't think you can go and get her, although you would like to.

There is a grain of truth in her otherwise rather hackneyed words; she does need to find her own way and sort her life out. What has hit her like a ten ton truck is chucking out the marriage has not turned out to be the instant fix she thought it would be. On TV, on makeover shows, it looks like magic. Throw out the old bath room, the old curtains and the old partner and hey presto, instant paradise.

This, of course, overlooks many costs and the labour involved. And the fact that you cannot dispose of people or history neatly.

Right now I wonder if you can point your wife towards budgeting sheets, even help her work out how she is going to cope? Not, you will note, bail her out. Having someone who really understands money (I'm not good with it myself), maybe someone who would be prepared to go with her to the bank and discuss sensible loan arrangements, would help build her confidence while still leaving the responsibilty where she has chosen it to be.

Utterly maddening all this, but it is more like late-onset teenage angst which is very destructive because it is happening in the wrong context. Adolescents are always amazed to find that a) living costs a lot and b) daddy won't always pay up.

I'm concerned, though, that you may inadvertently slip in to the role of parent, which is presumably not what you want?

[Confusedman]

Dear Concerned Reader,

Thank you for your advice and support.

You are right when you say that I don’t want to become a ‘parent’ to my wife - or for that matter a comfort blanket that she can pick up and drop as and when she chooses. Likewise, I don’t want her to consider reconciliation just so that she can have a more comfortable life for herself. If that’s all I am going to mean to her, then it’s a relationship not worth having at all!
That said, neither do I want to be viewed as deliberately placing obstacles in her way, or ‘making life difficult’ for her at a time when she is under obvious emotional pressure. That will only serve to reinforce whatever negative feelings she already has about me (and a possible future together). Yet again, to my frustration, I have run into another Catch-22 scenario!
I will try to talk to her more constructively about her finances, however she is so overly sensitive at this time that she seems to find fault in everything I do or say! For example, not very long ago I reminded her that the tax on her car was up at the end of this month. BANG! - I was accused of lecturing her, and that she was able to look after herself!
I love my wife, but I am fed up being seen as the villain of the piece!

Confusedman

[Hope]

Hi Confusedman,

How are things progressing with your wife? Is she a little less emotional now? One of your recent posts said that you were worried about her and that you thought she might be having a breakdown. I hope things are getting better for you.

I’ve managed to avoid contact with my husband over the past 10 days! I know it doesn’t sound like a long time but its very difficult avoiding each other especially when he has to come to the house to pick the children up for a day out. He stays in the car and the children go out to the car! It feels weird having to behave like this but cutting down on how much I see my husband is helping me to keep my emotions under control.

This weekend was a tough one….. my children met the “other woman” for the first time on Saturday and I didn’t know this was going to happen. I was gutted when the children came back and began telling me all about the apartment they both share. I wanted ALL the details but at the same time didn’t want to know – does that make sense? Any way I cried for a couple of hours Saturday night and then felt much better on Sunday! I’m going to have many, many difficult situations to handle in time such as the first holiday my children have with my husband and his partner – this is much harder than I thought it would be!

Hope things are getting a little easier for you.

Hope

[Jacks]

HI Hope,

How do you deal with knowing that he is with someone else? I find it so difficult at the moment, as he told me on Thursday, that there is someone else he talks to on the mb and texts her, he can't tell me who it is at the moment, as he doesn't want anyone to find out at his work, she is separating from her h and if he would find out, it would be trouble! I just don't know how to deal with it, I haven't slept for the last few nights and keep thinking about it! I do try to get on with work and home and everything, but to know that he is talking and flirting with her is killing me! He said that he hasn't been seeing her, but I am not sure about that!

He said it has only been going on for 2 weeks, I know it hasn't, but I am not going to get into that! Why does he want space and freedom to find himself, then go off with someone else?

Jacks
x

[Confusedman]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for your last.

I have had no contact whatsoever with my wife over the past week. (Seems like a lifetime!). Difficult as it is, I’m trying out the theories put forward in the ‘divorce busting/divorce remedy’ books. (Yes. I bought them). Don’t know how effective they will (or won’t) be, but at this stage I really have nothing left to lose.
It’s been a funny sort of week for me too, emotionally speaking. Some days I am more or less holding it together, but a big downward slump usually follows. It’s as though the effort of being ‘normal’ is too much like hard work! I’ve gone back to the gym though, after a lengthy absence, to try and motivate myself again (I used to go every lunch hour before this all happened!). But I’m mentally & physically tired all of the time,which doesn’t help. However, I will persevere!
Your weekend sounds horrible. I can’t believe how insensitive your husband was. But then again, as we all know, when our partners are in their ‘zone’, they seem incapable of appreciating the hurt they cause, and are driven only by whatever they feel is best for themselves. Using the kids to paint a ‘normality glaze’ over his new lifestyle was still pretty low even so. I wonder if he would have tried that move if the kids were old enough to challenge him (or her!), or ask awkward questions? I doubt it very much.
As things stand, it defies logic or credibility that your husband has walked out to ‘find himself’ and ‘be alone’, yet here he is recreating a comfortable family unit once more! How does that make sense? How long before he realises that he has effectively traded one way of life for an almost identical one? Its nuts!

Take care of yourself,

Confusedman

[Concerned reader]

Confusedman....

The gym is all very well, but you should be doing some creative writing if you are not already in that line of work. "Painting a normality glaze.." is a masterful term which exactly describes the behaviour.

That's twice you've used compact poetic language and I know talent when I read it.

[Hope]

Confusedman,



You’re absolutely right, my weekend was HORRIBLE and I’ve cried so much lately I think my tear ducts will dry up soon! I suppose my husband has behaved very insensitively and I think I’m getting so used to his selfish behaviour that it almost feels normal to me now. I think the children are helping my husband to paint a normal glaze over this madness, well for him anyway. I can’t find anything normal about any of this! I think my husband is living in a fantasy world and would probably like me to just accept everything so that he can continue with a hassle free life! In his dreams maybe!

I have started to get into a more positive frame of mind now and its time for me to have more “me time”. I’ve started going out more and I’m finally spending less time thinking about my husband and his new partner because it’s just a waste of precious time! Hopefully my new attitude will continue to help me to grow stronger and stronger.

Even though you’ve had a week of not seeing your wife do you think its helping or just making you hurt more? Trying to be normal is hard but I can only imagine that things get easier and easier day by day – its just going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for a while. The gym’s a good idea - the exercise helps to produce endorphins and hopefully you’ll get those “feel good” feelings back. Mind you when you feel mentally and physically tired its not that easy to get motivated is it? I have a treadmill in the garage and I power walk to try to release any anger or sadness and so far it’s been very effective. I hope I can keep it up!

Keep reading the book. Pass on any tips if you think they’re worth mentioning!

Bye for now

Hope

[Confusedman]

Thanks Hope, and thanks Concerned Reader.

(Creative writing? Thanks for the praise. Never thought of myself as a poet!)

I don’t know whether the week of not having contact with my wife has been helpful or not. Hard to judge when you can’t get inside your partners head to see what effect it’s having on them too! For my part, I have become more resigned to the reality of separation, but that doesn’t mean it makes it any less difficult to accept. I’m also fearful that being apart (and not talking or sharing quality time) increases the likelihood of the separation becoming a permanent thing. I would love to ask my wife out for a coffee, but I’m scared that if I did that she would back off in a big way, and I don’t want to take the risk. The plain truth is that I miss her enormously. That’s what makes the ‘Divorce Remedy’ book a bit spooky, because most of the advice in it seems to contradict my own instincts about how to save my relationship. At the end of the day, it would be far, far better if my wife were to realise that she missed me and all that was good in our marriage, rather than have me try to 'convince' her (by whatever methods)!

Anyway, on an entirely different note, here’s something else that’s been bugging me A LOT recently. My wife comes from a big family circle, and I was regularly in their company. I attended all family functions, birthday parties, Christenings, etc. and we all got on very well. No-one was left in any doubt of how much I loved my wife. However, since the separation (a month now), I haven’t seen or heard from any of them. Worst of all, I haven’t even got to see my wee nieces and nephews. A huge part of my life has been severed, just like that! It's very, very hurtful. With the exception of one of my sister-in-laws (who I contacted), NOT ONE member of my wife’s family has picked up the phone, made a visit or written a note to see how I was, or to offer comfort! I have always helped and supported them, collectively and individually, throughout the ten years+ that I have known them, yet now it seems that they have now simply turned their backs on me. I know that blood is thicker than water, but come on!! What the hell am I supposed to have done!! They know how hard I tried to be a good husband to my wife, and how hard I worked to make her life comfortable! Separation was my wife’s choice NOT MINE!! Maybe they are all just too embarrassed to speak with me, but don’t they think that I need some support through all this? Some kind of assurance that I’m not the bad guy in all of this?
They are all so passive!! Plenty of tea & sympathy for my wife, but no-one challenging her about her decision!

Sorry. Got very annoyed just then.

Think I’ve rambled enough for this session.

As always, take care of yourself,


Confusedman

[Hope]

Hi Confusedman,



I’m so sorry to hear that the family are keeping their distance especially during such desperate times. I’m not sure what you should do for the best really. Personally I don’t understand why the family can’t be supportive to both parties during a separation because there are always two sides to a story. The trouble is you don’t know what your wife has told the family and perhaps they are keeping their distance and taking a biased view on things, which isn’t fair to you but unfortunately that’s how many people behave. Perhaps you could phone some of them, even though you shouldn’t have to and then you can test the waters and try to find out what they have been told about the separation. If anything it will give you the opportunity to defend yourself if necessary. It may also help you to understand what’s going through your wife’s mind because she may have been a little more open with her family.

I feel very sorry for you and its not very fair. My husbands family haven’t been in contact with me that much but I have had a courtesy call – I didn’t have a very close relationship with my husbands side any way so its not really a problem to me. My own family and friends have been very supportive and caring and without their help I think I would be feeling very alone right now.

I do hope they come round and contact you soon.

Hope

[Hope]

Hi Jacks.....

Jacks I’m so very sorry to hear that your husband has been involved with another woman. It doesn’t sound as though the affair has only been going on for 2 weeks especially if the other woman is leaving her husband as well. People say all sorts of things when they have a guilty conscience but in time all will become a little clearer. You asked me how I coped with my husband being with “the other woman”? Well at first I didn’t cope at all and I found myself thinking about the two of them together ALL the time – it was mental torture for me. Over the last 10 days I’ve purposely not had any contact with my husband and when he collects the children he just waits in the car. This has been the best tonic for me so far because not seeing him has helped me to stop thinking about him with his new partner. Now that my husband has introduced my two boys to his partner they will probably begin to spend time with the two of them. That’s very difficult to deal with especially when my youngest (9yrs) comes home talking about their apartment etc. My eldest (11yrs) doesn’t say much because he’s worried I’ll start crying but I’ve told him that its better to tell me things and then I’ll get used to hearing about my husbands new relationship and it won’t bother me eventually – well that’s the theory anyway!

One thing I’ve learnt about my husbands infidelity is that I needed to know all the details eg. where they met, how they spent their time together etc. plus many, many more questions that I won’t go into right now! Now that the initial shock is over perhaps you might like to ask your husband the same questions? Even though it hurts when you get the answers from him and mark my words you’ll cry and get very angry but it does help to release the feelings plus you won’t spend too much time thinking about all the unanswered questions you wished you’d asked.

You say that your husband can't tell you who the woman is at the moment because he doesn't want anyone to find out at work plus she is separating from her husband etc. Well I wouldn’t stand for that. Your husband has turned your whole life upside down and then all he can think about is protecting the woman who helped to destroy your marriage! When people have affairs they become very selfish and cruel and quite honestly they don’t have any rights after what they’ve done. Don’t be brushed off like that – your husband needs to give you a mature and adult explanation to all of this especially if he wants you to deal with what he’s done.

The trouble is you’re probably still in shock so don’t be hard on yourself. You have every right to feel every emotion possible at the moment so let it out.

Let me know how you get on. Take care.

Hope

[Rejectedman]

I have visited 2-in-2-1 during the last 3 months, but only today looked at the forums, and guess what !. Confusedman, Your current experiences almost sound like mine. The response is the same, the circumstances almost identical, no one else involved. The only difference is we have been married for 22 years and we have 2 girls (10 + 13) who obviously can not understand why Mum has suddenly announced that she no longer loves or likes Dad and is rushing into a separation. She has also been to solicitors for a separation agreement and forced me to put the house up for sale.
The mid-life crisis bit has been creeping up on her for the last year (Only now can I see it !) but every bit of resentment over the last 22 years was brought up, enlarged out of proportion and thrown at me. No amount of changes over the last 3 months made her change her mind, in fact I think she resented the fact I could change but had not done before the "Wake up call". Why do they have to hit the self destruct button and take it all as a new goal in life ?. I sympathise completely with the way you feel. Up one day (even if only a little) and the following day plummeting to new depths of hurting. Life threatens change and the is no control over it. 3 months ago my wife "exploded", she was up and down for a number of weeks, but even though we agreed to try, and arranged counselling, by the time we got there 5 weeks ago she had made her mind up to split. She has not allowed any physical contact (hug , kiss, cuddle) for 6 weeks, which for a couple who always had that contact every day in life is REALLY tough. Ok the last sex was 7 weeks ago (which actually was great) but the rejection of not being able to give the little signs of love and affection to someone who you feel strong feelings for is absolute hell, when it has been so freely given and taken before.
There must be so many partners like us who are going through torture and at least we should know we are not hurting alone. Keeping chins up and living on hope is i know easy to say but not easy to do, but there has to be something.
Sales of the Divorce Remedy books must be booming, I got it too. A very interesting read, good pointers, would be great if the practices in the book actually worked, but somebody has to be receptive. Just wish I had seen the signs and got the book sooner !!
Take care

[Concerned reader]

Confusedman....

The simple explanation for the lack of contact is indeed the one you have mentioned; embarrassment.

In our family when Mrs A left Mr B, who married in, we all thought we would be the very last people on earth he would want to speak to. We didn't necessarily agree with Mrs A although we might not have thought it prudent to pass comment.

I expect we were wrong, but we just didn't want to cause any more trouble than was already there and were, frankly, cowards in case we were put 'in an awkward situation'.

It isn't pretty behaviour, but it probably isn't callous or deliberately hurtful. It is just a bit weak.

[Confusedman]

Hello again.

Thanks for all your replies and support.

Had another tough night yesterday. My wife telephoned to see how things were and how the house sale was progressing. (First contact of any kind in ten days). I asked her how she was getting on, and if she was happy. Her response was that ‘nothing had changed for her, and the longer the separation went on, the more certain she was that she had made the right decision’. I was absolutely gutted. I had been hoping for some small indication of doubt, a sign that she missed being with me, but got hit with that instead! How can I go on hoping to save my marriage when she is slamming every door in my face!? I’m afraid the ‘Divorce Remedy’ program went right out the window, because shortly after speaking with her I sent her a lengthy text message about how cruel and hurtful her behaviour was and seeking reasons as to why she was doing this, and why she had no interest in putting right what was once a solid relationship. (Oops). She texted back that we would talk tonight. All that to look forward too then! I don’t expect it will be a remotely constructive encounter, given her present attitude and determination to finish things for good, but I will take it as I find it.
You hit the nail right on the head, Rejectedman, on a number of points. I also greatly miss giving & receiving the small gestures of love that used to be an integral & natural part of my every day life. My wife and I had previously been a very close that way. We would never have walked down the street without one of us instinctively reaching for the others hand. We would rarely have passed each other in the house without a cuddle or a kiss. We had plenty of laughs, and plenty of love. On top of all that, our sex live was wonderful. In short, my wife and I were a very loving & affectionate couple, up until the time she started going through whatever it is that she’s going through. (She is only 33. Is that too young for a mid-life crisis?) The change in her only rose to the surface after we spent an unsuccessful year trying to start a family. Shortly after last Christmas 2003 she told me she didn’t want to try anymore. I was amazed. Having a baby had been her absolute goal in life, almost to obsession. Was that disappointment the catalyst for all that’s happened since? In less than 12 months, she has switched from wanting nothing more than a safe, settled family life in a comfortable home, to wanting to be entirely on her own! It’s so sad. It seems that I wasn’t tapped into her emotionally when she probably needed me the most. It’s only now that I have found articles on the web about the psychological effects of infertility on women, the self esteem issues that they suffer, that I can identify the pain, turmoil and bitter disappointment she must have went through. Normally my wife would have turned to me for comfort & support when she was anxious, but looking back, she seems to have turned in on herself instead this time. That’s where I think I failed her. I misread her completely, and assumed everything was ok. I got it so wrong.
It would appear that her mind became focused in one direction only - a complete rejection of the life that she felt had ‘let her down’. Unfortunately, I seem to be have been packaged up along with all of that too.
There was a time when I thought I was beginning to succeed in pulling our marriage was back from the brink. It was a couple of months after my wife and I had got back together after her first (short-lived) ‘time out’. I got an unexpected phone at work from my work from my wife. She told me that one of her friend’s husbands had been killed in a car crash that morning, and the friend was naturally devastated. My wife was upset too, and then apologised for what she had put me through, saying that she had been ‘confused’. I think the incident had momentarily made her re-evaluate everything.
On another occasion, I was talking with my sister-in-law (with whom I still have some contact), and she told me that my wife had said that she ‘had been mad to leave me’ and that she ‘really loved me’. That was said about a month and a half before my wife decided to walk out for the second time! Any wonder my head is melting?
I will probably give my sis-in-law a call in the next few days, just to get the lie of the land. I believe she is up front and honest with me (she doesn’t understand what my wife is doing either!), and is a good barometer to gauge my wife’s true feelings through.

Again, I seem to have rambled on a bit, but my head is spinning.

Does this get any easier folks? Does anyone ever manage to get their spouses back and learn from their mistakes? Or are we all just kidding ourselves, and in reality the damage is too great to be repaired?

Anyway, take good care of yourselves,


Confusedman

[Angel]

Confused man- reading you last thread mirrors all my thoughts at the moment it is spooky. I am now having to contend with his limbo feeling of still not knowing what he wants but wanting a single life.....and not wanting to dent his male pride that he may have got it wrong...as he said he has told everyone it is over and what will people say???????????????????? I said is it worth a lifetime of regret?? I also asked whether he has worked out what makes him low...that is the key to his future happiness...he admits to depressive episodes but says his mum has nothing to do with it (mmmm..), he says he has shut the door on that. He says he does n't fancy me cos I don't sort the car out, I am too emotional (we too had been unsuccessuful in concieving) and I ask to do too much (pay bills at lunchtime..) I asked whether he felt this way becuase sex became mechanical rather than loving, he said he didn't know but he wants to be on his own as he is a nomad and not dicuss the relationship until Xmas......ahhhhhhhhhhhh!! He said I moaned too much @ his drinking and smoking (so does his dad tho). I said I only moaned cos I care - a bottle of wine a night is not good and smoking on the front door was annoying as he never put his fag butts in the bin and it made the driveway look dirty and untidy and I always had to clean them up as he was always too busy. All these comments are the same comments he said to me as he left, so I don't feel anything has moved on....he is raking up the past..which one minute he says he has closedthe door on and the next he is mentioning. he is bringing up stuff from years ago - like 9 years ago......how can I contend with that. Like you confused man, my H is 29 and I am thinking whether this is a MLC or depression or whether he is just an inherently selfish person and I am well rid...the person I see at the moment is not the person I fell in love with - he is eroding all my love - he keepsusing me as an emotional punchbag.....he says we get on well togther...but he can't be bothered to work at the relationship......

Angel

[Confusedman]

Hello Angel (and everyone else),

Well folks, that's it. I am beaten. I've given up.

Had a long chat with my brother this evening. He told me that my wife had called round to see him this morning and asked for his help in making me realise that my marriage was over. She talked with him at length, and more openly than she has with me. I'll spare you the details, but she assured him that he was 100% certain about her decision, and with each passing day became more so. Apparently I have done nothing wrong. Her feelings about me and being married just changed. She said she felt she was on a treadmill with her life mapped before her, and simply wanted to get off. Again she gave the assurance that nobody else was involved, and that the last thing she wanted was to be in another relationship. She simply wants to be on her own, and do her own thing. She said she had felt niggling doubts PRIOR to wanting to start a family, but believed that having a baby would focus her mind back on married life (!!) and that she would be content once more. However, when she failed to conceive, she looked upon that as the final full stop. My brother was told that all my efforts to win her back were pointless. Her mind was made up, and the harder I tried, the more she felt the need to escape. She told him that I needed to accept things as they were, and move on with my life. No 'ifs' or 'maybes', she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So there you have it. I've lost. All my hopes and prayers have been demolished. From now on, I must accept that my wife has gone for good, and learn to live my life all over again.

I am shattered. I will never understand.

Thank you to all who have given me guidance and support on this forum. I only wish I could have brought better news, and inspired your hope. Good luck to you all. I hope you find happiness, whether or not that is with your spouse. Sometimes every dream has to end.

Confusedman

[Concerned reader]

Confusedman, I doubt if you are the only one with a spinning head because if problems conceiving were what triggered your wife's dramatic change, then she also will be profoundly confused.

Although it makes no sense logically to abandon a successful partnership because it seems that children cannot issue, yet it may be a way of coping with the emotional disappointment. Not much of a solution in my opinion, but then I'm not the one facing it.

I mention this only because I know of at least one other case where a woman dissolved a functioning marriage when it became apparent she could not conceive. She even used the words 'my fault', but to my limited knowledge her partner had never even suggested that blame was an appropriate response. It was just how your luck goes as far as he was concerned, and he was against the dissolution.

Never the less, something in her could not cope with the reminder of the life which might have been and she just ....left.

I think she still feels bad and casts about for spurious reasons why she had to leave, but they really don't hold much water. Her specific complaint was that he was so concerned for her that he almost smothered her, but that doesn't sound very convincing to me.

What I am getting at is that this may be less about what you did or didn't do, and more about the strategies your wife has selected to cope with her dissapointment. Personally, I think that when you are facing a painful reality, the last thing you should do is anything which involves even more pain and loss. But then again, I am not struggling with the loss of this particular dream.

[Concerned reader]

Confusedman...I guess we are all sorry your story goes this way, but thank you for having the courage to tell it.

Look after yourself and remember that you have clear evidence that not everyone treats marriage as if it can be turned off like a video game, or discarded on flimsy pretexts. I don't believe that, the moderators don't believe that, Angel, Jacks, Springheeled Jack, practically everybody who writes or reads here rejects the view of marriage as a disposable, temporary arrangement.

You are not alone and if we are in a minority - which I doubt - then it is a minority view which is being seriously considered. By making those points in your clear writing style you help push back against the throw-away marriage ethos which ultimately damages even those people who rush to embrace it.

And just by taking the trouble to write about the unflown kite you helped me change my universe a little bit for the better.

[Jacks]

Hi confusedman,

I am really sorry, do you really think though that this is the end? Why don't you try to get on with your life and make changes to yourself and maybe she will see that there is something about you she is missing and will start feeling curiouse about it! I feel that it is too soon to give up hope! One of my friends had a simular thing happening to her, her h didn't want anything to do with her anymore and said that he is glad that it was over, then after 1 year, when he saw that she got on with life without him and started going out and look good and all that, he started showing an interest in her. Ok she doesn't want him back, as she is really happy with her life, the thought that he had changed his mind, makes me think that we do need to give them time and let them work it out for themselfs first! Just don't close the door completely! My thoughts are with you!

Jacks
x

[Confusedman]

Hi Jacks (and thanks to all who posted to my last),

Yes. I truely believe that this is the end of my marriage. It would take my wife to have a complete 180 on her emotions for any chance of reconciliation, and I simply can't see that happening. I can't 'persuade' her to love me, nor should I have to. Love should come from her by instinct, and as naturally as breathing. Now I have to focus on my own life, and a whole new way of living. At a time in my life where I once felt secure, confident and content, I now feel sick, scared and apprehensive. No doubt things will get less overwhelming as time goes on, but I think its going to be tough, tough going. Last night I had a dream in which my wife and I had reconciled. We were standing on a beach, and I was putting her wedding ring back on her finger, renewing our vows. Then I woke up. DEVASTING!!!
That's why I need to try and pick myself up and move on - for the sake of my sanity and health.
My wife knows that there is a path back to me if she is prepared to take it, but that won't be any time soon - if ever. Even then, could I risk being hurt so badly at a later date? Could I learn to trust her again as completely as I once did?Nobody can predict the future, but I can't allow myself to remain this unhappy or be made to feel this unhappy again. It is destroying me.
I have to work on the assumption that my wife has gone for good, terrible though that is to accept. Now it is time for me to gather up the pieces of my life, and try and make some sort sense again. 'Battleweary' is exactly how I feel. This has exhausted me. I am physically and mentally burnt out, and can't do this any more. Its time to step back, learn to relax again, and repair myself.

Take care all, I wish you every happiness and success. (Without this forum, I would have lost it totally by now). I will keep an eye on this site to see how you are all getting on. Good luck.

Confusedman

[Jacks]

Hi Confusedman,

sorry that it had to come to this, we are all thinking about you! :-) You know if you need to talk, you know where to come! God works in mysterious ways, there is a reason why we have to go threw this, not sure why at the moment, but I think one day, we will look back and realise exactly why we had to go threw so much pain and heartache! Keep being strong and take one day at a time!

Don't forget you have good friends here who care about you! Don't go threw this alone!!!!!!

lol

Jacks

x

[Sandra]

Oh God, I agree with everything that has ben written in all these posts, too much for me to respond to, but I share all the same feelings of loss and frustration, anger and hurt. My Husband wasn't able to tell me it was over until recently he was too cowardly and didn;t want to be the one ending it, so he did it in a very painful way by giving me some hope that we might have a future together. Even though he had met someone else who he now lives with. I like you want and need answers and reasons why things changed so much there could be no way back in their minds, what the hell does not in love anymore mean? where does all that love go to? How could I be everything to someone one minute and nothing not even a friend the next. I don't know or understand any of it, I just know like all of you that it hurts, it hurts sooooo bad that you wonder if you'll ever feel happy again.

confusedman - I just feel the need to say to you that, I don't believe it's anything you did or didn't do or pick up on with your Wife. I think... and I know she denies it, but I do think there has been some outside influence somewhere and in some way. Not an affair necessarily but some other man who has paid her some attention, admired her or fancied her, shown her some interest. I can't help thinking that someone has made her feel differently about herself and her life. She suddenly stopped being content and happy with what she had, which seems very strange, especially as you sound like you were a very caring and loving husband to her
*hugs to all in pain* Sandra.

[Hope]

Confusedman

I was so very, very sad to hear of your news. I was rooting for you and hoping that your wife would re-consider her decision to end your marriage. It’s funny how involved you become on this forum! I find myself thinking about everyone else’s problems and wondering if you’re all ok! It’s a comfort knowing we don’t have to suffer in silence. The overwhelming scared and insecure feelings you are having at the moment will ease off – I promise! I had exactly the same feelings for the first 8 weeks of my husbands departure but since I haven’t seen much of him I am beginning to feel stronger, more independent and I’m facing up to my situation far more. There may be some truth in the old saying “out of sight out of mind”.

It is tough when you finally have to accept that your partner has fallen out of love with you and the marriage has ended. I know you are “Battleweary” but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong and forge ahead. I think Jacks summed things up rather well in her previous post I quote “God works in mysterious ways, there is a reason why we have to go threw this, not sure why at the moment, but I think one day, we will look back and realise exactly why we had to go threw so much pain and heartache”. I do believe Jacks may be right, it’s just that we can’t see that far ahead at the moment and can’t believe we can possibly be happy again…… I’m sure we will be happy again.

Take care and keep in touch – we’re all thinking of you at this very sad time.

Hope x

[Rejectedman]

Confusedman
Are you still out there ? How are you getting on ? We all care.

[Hope]

You're absolutely right Rejectedman..... Where is "Confusedman"??? We'd love to hear from you and see how things are going? Drop us all a line and say hello!

Hope

[dammit96]

Confusedman,

Your notes made me so sad for you ... and reading everyone's replies made me feel better about what's going on with me ...

It's taken me 38 years to realise that happiness is loving what you've got ... learning to do that and be happy with it, rather than craving something impossible and being miserable without it.

I think what sums up my partner's decision to go, because it sounds so similar to lots of your posts and the responses ... this absolving themselves of responsibility. In my case, making me big promises, saying I wasn't committed enough if I rented out my beautiful house (so I sold it) and that he would never case me aside even if the going got tough (I told him it would and could he handle it, and I was big enough to let him go then if he felt he could not) and here we are 10 months later neither of us in our lovely home we bought, him in his dead Mother's house with his son and no contact at all ...

You must not beat yourself up over this???? It always takes two, possibly more. But you must stick to the 'no contact' ... if only for your own sanity and for respect of your own boundaries. And don't hassle her. I've been hassling him and I know absolutely it is to no end, because he thinks I am smothering him ... but then I miss him you see ....

ATB
x

[Confusedman..]

Hello to all from ‘Confusedman'.
Back again!
Thanks to all of those who asked after me. I hadn’t forgotten about you, and as said in my last posting, I needed to take some time out to lick my wounds and try and refocus. I logged on today for the first time in ages to see what was happening, and was surprised to find my old thread top of the heap again! It’s a shame to find a few new names added to postings - more people at various stages of bewilderment and heartache - and that those I corresponded with are still struggling. You all deserve a big glass of beer, and a huge hug for you patience and perserverance!
Well, it's now about nine weeks since my wife left.
Has it got any easier for me in general? A difficult question to answer. I am not constantly being eaten up by anxiety and despair as I once was. Back at the beginning, I had to get sleeping tablets prescribed, just so that I could have some sort of rest from the turmoil raging through my mind (though they just ‘zonked’ me out, rather than gave me a relaxing sleep). I haven’t taken any for just over a fortnight now, and I usually make it through the night relatively undisturbed - so that’s progress of sorts! In fact, I seem to sleep a lot more now than before my wife left! Must be mother nature's way of healing me?
This week would have seen the eleven-year ‘anniversary’ of the day my wife and I started dating. In the past, we would have had some sort of celebratory treat to mark the event. So you can imagine that the past few days have been particularly tough and reopened some wounds.
Emotionally speaking, I have improved in an odd kind of way. Nowadays I usually feel numb and disengaged, which is actually better than it sounds (better than being a miserable wreck anyway). However its not exactly a productive or desirable way of existing either. I still periodically lurch sharply downwards, and have debated the notion of trying anti-depressants which may help establish some sort of parallel ground. I don’t know viable an approach that would be, or whether they would help or hinder my recovery (?). I'm reluctant to take that path, and I will let my GP decide, if it should come to that.
Anyway, what (I think) I am saying is, that I am making progress, albeit slowly and with some difficulty, but progress nonetheless. I'm going through a bit of a patch at present as it is now less than two weeks until the house my wife and I had envisaged as a family home will be sold. In some respects I will be glad to see the back of it, since it has no warmth or feeling to it anymore, stripped bare as it is - a lifeless carcass, devoid of all personality. That said, once it has gone, it marks another act of closure to my marriage. Mixed emotions indeed, and hard to deal with. I have been busying myself (although half heartedly, and with quiet resignation) with the practicalities of packing away and storing all that once had made up a home and way of life. The past ten years has been put into little cardboard boxes, and consigned to the dark attics of a friends attic. Memories came pouring back with almost every keepsake I laid my hands on - when and where it was bought or found, what my wife and I were doing, and how we were feeling. Old holiday photos and (love) cards reduced me to tears unexpectedly, even when I thought I was feeling immune! These were once the bits & bobs that brought me happiness and fond memories, and reinforced the love I had for my wife. It’s a shame that all have now become tarnished by the present situation. Actually, it’s as though my wife has died, and in some respects, she has. Emotionally anyway.
Strangely enough, last week, I had a night out with my wife. I had bought tickets for a gig ages ago (before the split), and recently told her that I could easily give them away if she preferred not to go. But she did (!?). On the night, she turned up looking like a million dollars, (which oddly troubled me at first because I realised she would never have any trouble drifting into a new relationship). For my part, I was well groomed and handsome (even if I say so myself!!). We looked the perfect couple, only the reality hidden from view! We ended up having a lovely night, relatively at ease in each other’s company, and in a friendly & happy atmosphere. The only thing missing was the cuddling & holding hands that would have previously been the norm. Gig over, and we bought pizza on they way back. Ate it at ‘my’ house, while watching telly and chatting. Very surreal. Then she was off, back to her own place. Got a text message the next day thanking me for a lovely night out. I felt calm and relaxed for the next couple of days (like my old self), but I knew that the 'feel good' hormones had briefly kicked in, and not to be reading anything of significance into what had happened. As I could have predicted, I came crashing back down a few days later, questioning everything, and wondering whether it was better or worse for me to have her pop in and out of my life like that. (The emotional roller-coaster races on!!). Anyway, a short time later, my wife and I were talking on the phone, and she said that while she was glad that we could remain friendly, nothing had changed for her, and there was no turning back. Not that I had so much as hinted, expressed or expected anything to the contrary, but it still hurt to have her say it. She also said that the transition wasn’t easy for her either, and that she had days of feeling low and unhappy. All I wanted to do was shout, “well why do it then!!?), but I said nothing. A weird few days, and no mistake!

Help! Looks like I’m in danger of rambling on here, so I will bring this posting to a close. In summary, recovery (if that’s what you want to call it), is an slow uphill process, but I am better now than I was at the beginning, or believed that I could be. I have no definite future plans at present, but have been toying with the idea of going on some sort of adventure holiday, or buying a motorbike and doing a bit of touring. Reeks of midlife crisis, doesn’t it? However, it’s the first time in a while I’ve been thinking about myself and doing things for me. As I previously wrote, I have accepted that there is nothing more I can personally do to get my wife back. That desire or change has to come from her. If that should ever happen (and I now doubt it, despite the small thread of hope that I can't fully shake), either one of us may be so fundamentally altered by the experience, that a relationship would be impossible to sustain. Sad, very sad, but true.
Again, thanks for asking after me. I wish you all the luck and success in the world, and will drop by again some time.

Confusedman