Marriage on the rocks..

[worriedman]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have been together for 7. For the past 2 years we have been having problems and it seems now we are headed straight for divorce. I am a high school teacher and a coach and spend a lot of time away from home. It is not as much as a choice as it is a necessity that I am away. We have two children that I love very much and want to see and it hurts me to be away from them, and my wife, too, but financially, we need the income I get from coaching. Over the past two years we have started growing apart and now things have gotten to the point where she says that she regrets marrying me, she doesn't wan to be married, and that we got married for all the wrong reasons (she got pregnant before we got married, but lost the baby. We married anyways and I have never regretted that decision.) I am older than her and she has never finished school. I have degree and she is now starting back to college to finish hers. I am very supportive and have helped her anyway I can. I love her with all my heart but admit that I haven't always done my part in the marriage of helping her. She has been a housewife and I felt like in the past that it was my job to "win the bread" while she was at home with the kids. She said she wanted to be home with them and didn't want them to go to daycare. I understand now that I needed to do more to help and I want to change. How do we work things out? What do we need to do to get our marriage back on track?

[fallenstar]

My marriage was much like yours. We stopped communicating, the spark died down, we never made time for us and he eventually started staying out later until he finally had an affair. We are currently in marriage therapy which is very helpful. I'm not sure if we will be able to make this work because he has mixed feelings of being back in the marriage. I wish I hadn't ignored the signs of our marriage crumbling. I think you and your wife should try seeing a therapist. It's really helpful. Make a date nt. every wk. Make sure you call her every day just to say how much you love her. Marriage is the biggest commitment you'll ever make. You have to work at it every day to keep it alive. Your wife made the decision to stay home with the children. I'm a stay home Mom too. She needs to understand that you have to do what you have to do to support your family. I wish I was more understanding instead of constantly nagging at my H. Just value every minute you are together and cherish it. Hope this helps a little. Good luck and pray about it!

[worriedman]

Thanks for the reply. We have been going to counseling for about a month now and I thought it was helping, but it looks like it isn't. She doesn't want to talk and or really even be close to me and it seems like she doesn't want to try. I told her it wasn't fair to me to treat me the way she has been and she agree, but said it isn't fair for her to act like everything is ok when it isn't. I agree but I told her she needs to try and that is all I ask. Not just for me, but for our children as well. I have never cheated on her but now I am a little bit worried that she may have someone. Time is unaccounted for and she is talks on the phone a lot when I am not home. When I ask her about it, she gets very defensive. I am suspicious, but I don't really know if anything is going on or not. It may just be in my mind and fears. Anyone have any ideas?

[Confusedman]

Dear Worriedman,

I'm really sorry to read about your current difficulties. There are a number of parallels with my own situation (see 'Battleweary' threads). Its extremely frustrating when your partner won't open up and tell you the route cause of their unhappiness. I sometime wonder if they know themselves, or have exaggerated their troubles in their own mind. You say you have been to see counselling. Has your wife used the opportunity to properly explain her discontentment? Part of the problem is recognising what the problem is!
I did some of the things you have done, and which you are currently doing! My wife & I had a big house (and a big mortgage) and were trying to start a family (without success). I was doing extra hours at work to secure our finances, but that also meant I was worn out when I went home - and my wife had already been at home for a few hours, & settled in for the evening. She had no kids to occupy her, and plenty of time to be in her own space, before I came home. More often than not I would just be glad to be home & settle with her, sometimes with a glass or two of wine. Cosy for a while, but, when does it become a monotonous routine? I had assumed that because she appeared content, that she was - and I'm pretty sure she thought the same way about me. In reality, both of us had got stuck in a rut, and apathy sneaked in. Its so easy to stop communicating effectively! Even in a loving relationship like ours.
It sounds to me like your wife is looking for something to fill the void that your absence may (inadvertently) be creating! As for analysing everything she does or says, I started doing that too - once I realised we had problems! I still find myself doing it on the occasions that I see her, (she left 3 weeks ago). It drives me nuts, and its so, so difficult to stop. Worse still is if your partner gets wind of what you are doing - it fuels their desire to run and annoys them. (They see it as a betrayal of trust - ironic, isn't it?)
You have one advantage in your favour. Your wife hasn't left yet. There is a chance to save your marriage and it probably won't be a quick fix or easy to do. What changes have you made to date, aside from counselling? You say you need to work the hours & distance that you do in order to support your wife & kids. I don't dispute that you believe that to be the case. But ask yourself where your priorities now lie. What use is extra cash if your marriage falls apart regardless? Believe me, with the hindsight I now have, I would have reduced my overtime hours, and then looked at what I DIDN'T really need in my life to offset that reduction in income. Example: I used to drive a brand new car - part owned, part on finance. Very nice at the time, but (in reality) unnecessary luxury. Now, as a consequence of my current separation, that car has gone for good. I drive a second hand one which I bought outright, for much, much less money, and no tie-ins. Not as fancy as the car I drove before, but it still does the same job.
For the present I think you need to concentrate on what you value most. If it is your wife and your marriage, make that your priority!! And don't make my other mistake. When my own 'marriage crisis alarm' went off, I over-compensated in my desperation to get my wife back - and only succeeded in making her feel 'suffocated'. You have to remember that your wife is in a very fragile frame of mind, and you need to be gentle with her. She could fall either way, so don't wreck it!
If you can start to do small, but 'bonding' things together, her love may start to grow back. Here's another example. Alas, it's something that I never did, and can now only look back at with regret. I once said to my wife that I would like to bake a loaf of bread, with her help, that weekend, and we would then go to the local pond and feed the ducks. That weekend came and went. Other 'priorities' got in the way, and the whole idea got lost in time. On another occasion, my wife had bought me a small toy kite as a love token on the spur of the moment. We joked about waiting for a windy day to fly it, and then put it away in a drawer. I found that kite 2 days ago, while packing up my belongings. It was still in the same drawer, wrapper intact, unflown. I cried long and hard.
Do you see what I mean? Now I am playing the 'if only I had....' game, and it's a heart-breaker.
Does any of this sound helpful? I hope you can take some inspiration from it, because I think I have already missed my opportunity, and will regret that for all time.
It's NOT too late for you. Like I said, your wife hasn't gone yet, and you both have a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of gentle communicating to do.
You have kids, and have an opportunity to connect and move on as a family unit. Unless your wife's heart has turned to stone, there is hope for you, but you need to act now!

Tread carefully, friend, and I wish you the very, very best of luck.

Confusedman

[concerned reader]

Dear Confusedman

I don't know if Worried Man finds it inspirational, but the unflown kite is the most profound and compact image I have been given.

I'm taking it as a warning. Maybe there is just enough time left for my partner and I (we are still on talking terms, but it is rather strained) if I can only find where I foolishly packed that kite.

You illuminate the problem; it wasn't all me but I did help create this mess by my ommissions and all I want is a chance to fix it.

[worriedman]

Thanks for all the help guys...We talked last night about about 2 hours and somethings were productive. She still sees divorce as an option but we talked a lot about things and maybe it will work out. For the first time in our marriage last night, we held hands and prayed together. That meant more to me than anything we could have done.

[Hope-to-Help]

Worriedman,

My wife and I just recovered from 10 years of a very rocky marriage. Just several months ago, we were very close to divorce (she was very unhappy).

We did some counselling through a pastor at our church and it eventually paid off. During that time, I started digging into a variety of marriage books that are on the market. I have been keeping up with all the stuff I have been reading and I am beginning to see the wisdom behind so many of these ideas. Along the way, I have added some of my own.

My wife just told me today that she never thought that she would feel the way she does for me again. She had gotten to where she hated me. Now she says that she loves me very much-and I believe her.

So,

What exactly do you mean when you say that you know you need to do more to help? I ask this because so often we, as men, mistakenly think that our wives want more "help". This may be a true to a small degree, but in reality they usually want more of us.

Here are some potential problem areas I see for you.

If you absolutely can't make any cutbacks in your time coaching/teaching then:

1. You must learn to focus your free time on her.
2. Make sure you are being thoughtful/bringing her unexpected gifts regularly.
3. Make time for a hobby for the two of you.

There is a great deal of elaboration that I need to make on these points-and I have plenty more. Please email me at (ivantraylor@arkansas.net) and I will try to help you get your marriage back on track the way my wife and I's marriage is.


Ivan

[bunnie3137]

wish someone would help me out...
any help would be appreciated..

bunnie3137