Trying to find an answer!

[Tony]

About 3 months ago my wife told me that she had done something that she thought she could never do to me. She told me that she had been having an affair with this guy at her work. Her work was having its annual audit and this is how they met, he is not from around this area (not that it matters) but anyway.
He had apparently started the chase and she said she was flattered that another guy found her attractive. I could not believe what she had told me at first it took a few minutes to sink in, shock i suppose. Dont ask me why but i asked her if she had slept with him and she said yes then i asked how many times, like it mattered once is terrible enough. But she had slept with just the three times, my immediate response was did you use protection? She hadnt and then something else hit me. The week before she did a pregnancy test because we both thought she could be pregnant. Nothing was planned if it happened it happened. But the thought of her carrying someone elses child on top, would finish me off all together.
I dont know what or even how to feel at the moment i am finding it hard to express how i feel. Friends and family know but it seems that they have just brushed it under the carpet so to speak.
Basically all i am after is somebody to talk to who knows the pain i am suffering right now.

[Liz]

Dear Tony,

What a shock for you. I haven't experienced what you are going through, but it is something that has come up before on the forums. If you use the search facility at the top right on the green band and search for "Jas", you will find post from someone who has been through something similar. If you post there they may respond.

There are also some articles on infidelity here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/), which may help you to work through some of the feelings and issues that you have. you might like to look at the article on Betrayal, because I suspect that beyond the shock which is strong at the moment there will be a sense of betrayal and lots of feelings waiting to surface.

I hope this helps a little

Liz

[Hope]

Hi Tony,



I feel for you I really do. My husband covered up an affair for 2 years! I found a photo of the woman in my husbands briefcase which started my suspicions but he totally denied it. There were a few other clues on and off and I agonised over it all for the whole 2 years. Every time I questioned my husband it was the same denials.



We finally had a row and which led to our separation and he finally confessed. At first I felt relief that I wasn't going mad and quite enjoyed the more tranquil environment without him around but now I am suffering many very strong and upsetting feelings.



I'm feeling hurt, angry, rejected and keep asking why ALL the time. We were together for 21 years and I feel as though I'm grieving. I've read countless books and I am now going to try counselling. Every one that gives me advice keeps saying that I need to get the "acceptance stage" but thats easier said than done. My husband has made his choice to divorce me because he said that even if he did come home I would never trust him and he's probably right. There's also a part of me that wants to take him back because I love him so much but he doesn’t want that.



Don’t be afraid about your feelings. I have been crying a great deal lately and I don’t usually cry much. I have been VERY angry and have to punch the pillows to help to release my anger (the anger is quite scary). If you get angry try it…. It does help! You may start to question why and feel very rejected that’s normal and it hurts. I never thought my marriage would end and I’m still in shock. Its been 8 weeks now. I have two children which makes it even worse because I still have to see a lot of my husband and its very painful.



Are you and your wife still living together? Does your wife want to continue with your marriage and try again? If there is still a great deal of love left for your wife then perhaps it may be useful to have some long chats and try to establish why your wife was so unhappy. You may be able to work things out its not necessarily too late especially as your wife only had a short affair. Hope you work things out and I hope it helps to hear about my experience.



Take care
Hope