Am I being silly here..

[Springheeled Jack]

When I met my wife she had two children by a guy who was a nasty piece of work, he turned his backon them two years ago wanting nothing to do with them.

So I brought them up as my own, I was and am there fore them emotionally, financial and I love them as my own. Bless them there regard me as "Dad", stripping their "biological parent" of the title and refer to him by his first name. He hurt them very badly.

Sadely, she doesnt want a child with me because she had a hard time with my step son when he was born, so that has scared her. So I dote on my stepson and my step daughter

I was married before, with a son by that marriage. I dont have pictures of my wife in the house as she too cheated on me. I didnt want anything to serve as a reminder. I have a phto of my son.

Under neath our bed are albums of my wife and the kids biological father. I I may be old fashioned here but I dont think that it is appropriate for photos of the guy, especially of my wife and him together. There are also og him and "his kids", as my wife said to me. I did ask well where are the ones of me and "our kids".

This guy sells drugs and I cannot stand that sort of man. Ive never been in trouble with the law or anything. He had also cheated on my wife frequently throuble out their "relationship".

She had two kids by that sort of guy, who rejected them as he has kids by lots of other women aswell, but she wants no kids by me, who genuinely wants kids.

Am I being jealous. Am I out of order by asking her to move the photos of her and him out from underneath out bed? Just move them else where, I dont have the right to ask her to get rid of them just to move them.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Liz]

Dear Spring-heeled Jack,

I am sure this situation stirs up strong emotions in you, but I also think you are right to question whether you should act on those emotions.

You have been a dad to these children and I'm sure that they value you in that way, but they will one day want to know something about their biological dad who is part of them and their lives in one sense. One day they will need to come to terms with who he is and how he has behaved. I sense in what you have written a desire to protect them from him and also a sense of insecurity.

Both of you have been through broken marriages that have hurt you and affected the way you relate to others, but you will not have handled that pain in the same way. Is it not important to understand how each other feels about these things, but not expect the other to respond in the same way.

If the issue is having those pictures under the bed, then why not think through what it is about this arrangement that hurts. Is it that that room is at the heart of your relationship and you don't want her ex-husband there? If so is there somewhere else in the house where they could be stored safely until she is sure she wants the children to see them

I also sense that some of the emotion is mixed up with the pain of her not wishing to have a child with you. Again there is a lot which you could talk through on this subject. She fears childbirth? You see a child together as an important expression of who you are and the love you two share. can you find a way to share this with your wife in a way which is not manipulative or trying to change her mind, but simply sharing your pain around this subject.

One way we have found to handle these painful subjects is to write down to each other how we feel, to separate emotions and judgements when we write and to offer what we write as a gift of who we are in the hope of understanding and getting to know each other rather than in a way to change the other.

I hope that by asking you some of these questions it may help you to sort out the different issues going on and to understand the issues that are really important to you and for your marriage.

With best wishes

Liz

[Springheeled Jack]

Thanls for your advice Liz.

It is true about my feelings about the photos underneath the bed. I do see our bedroom as ours, and those photos make me feel albeit unecessarily, that my wife's ex, he and
my wife werent married when she had his kids, "still" has a prescence,
The kids have expressed no wish to see him, my step son is horrified at the the fact of meeting him again, how ever he is 12, and I think that those feelings will change. I have told both my step daughter who is 19 and my step son, that if they do want to see him, I wont and cant stop them. It is up to them. As it was when they decided to call me Dad. It was their decision. I was over the moon by it, but it was their decision.
Admittedly, ifas I regard then as my kids now, if their biological father reappeared, my nose would be so put out of joint, and a "tinge of jealousy" would emerge.
Ive a son by a previous marriage, who's mother is being a little difficult is letting me see him, so I see him once a month at a special school he attends.
If my stepkids "father" appears, and my wife, after all he has done to them, lets him see them, I would think "why should he see them, and I cant see my son" It would be rightly or wrongly, something that would cross my mind.
Like wise, my wife has had two kids by a guy who sells drugs, cheated on her with numerous women even bedding one of them whilst my wife was in hospital having my step son!! He's been no where near in 2 and a half years. It would have been easier for me if he had some contact with my step children, I wouldnt have like it, but at least it would have been something. But to abandon them llike that, and then in the passage of time want to see them again, Im sorry I find that deplorable.

Then when my wife is with a guy who genuinely wants kids, my wife doesnt want to know. If she said to me " As I had a hard time with my son giving birth, I am scared to go through it again. I know you want us to have a child, I really do, and I wish I could give you a baby, but I cant",

but all I got was "I dont want a nother child, deal with it!!"

that left me with jealousy of my wife ex, they have the two kids, so what do my wife and I have biologically....nothing. I had told my wife that if he appears I do not want him in the house.
I did have a teddy bear made at on of those shows where you can make a teddy bear from scratch, and then it is given its own birth certificate. I did that for Valentines day for my wife. How sad is that!!

Liz thanks you for your advice, everything that you said was spot on. I am grateful to you.

Spring Heeled Jack