ok, I can post. HELP!

[jwoodpile]

Ok, I'll take it from the beginning. I met my wife a little over 10 years ago when she was 18 and I was 27. We had loads in common, her family liked me. So far so good. 10 years pass, and we have made a mess of everything. We have a daughter who is 4 in december. We both adore her.
We were married 11 months ago, despite having had a few problems, mainly drunken rows on our rare nights without childcare responsibilities. My wife has had a problem with my daily drinking (I am not drunk daily) I smoke and she does not, i have tried to quit several times but always relapsed after 2-3-4 months.
Anyway, 4 weeks ago she upped and left, back to her mothers house which is empty for 3 months, taking some clothes and our child. This was to be a trial separation of 3 months or so, to give her space to decide what she wanted to do, and for me to address the issues which were a problem for us. So far, so bearable.
After 2 weeks, on a weekend when I had our girl at home with me, I discovered she had slept with a virtual stranger, 30 yr old ex drug user with depression, on prozac. When confronted with this knowledge I went to a friends house for a shoulder to cry on. While there Irecieved a string of txt messages saying 'I love you' 'I want you' etc. The following day I agreed to a woodland walk with her (One of our favourite things) While walking she told me we were over- 'This is what I'm doing now'
I continue to see my child regularly, and therefore my wife. She veers between saying she misses me and tears, and saying I am lucky to still be in the house (Which I have slaved over, both to improve and pay for it)
Yesterday I got a txt (Unexpected) Inviting me to the beach with wife and child. I went, it was nice. We went for a walk after, got on well, went for a pint at a pub with a playground. It was nice,normal almost. We ent our separate ways after, but she agreed to me coming over with a bottle of wine after our daughter was asleep. We chatted at length, finished the bottle and almost ended up in bed together, we both backed away in the end, and she told me although she knew it wasn't responsible, she needed to behave in a slutty manner for a bit.
I am at the end of my tether. Trouble eating, sleeping, functioning. despite everything she is my best friend and I can't see that I will everstop loving her. Any advice?

[gymbunny]

jwoodpile

Things are better than they look. If your wife did not want to see you, she wouldn't. So you are in with a chance.

You also need a some space to talk - probably with a counsellor - about exactly how you got here and if there is anything you could have done, or could do, differently. If you are going to get back together, it would obviously have to be in a new way.

My best tip would be to deal with the smoking right now. It is a positive thing to do for yourself anyway - the stuff is killing you slowly and, as the child of a man who died much earlier than he needed to because of the wretched ciggies, I can tell you that it is a disgusting way to go.

Not sure where you are, but if you are in the UK your doctor will be only too delighted to discuss strategies for giving up smoking - my stepfather used Zyban which really helped him to deal with withdrawal symptoms, but it has to be closely monitored and carefully prescribed. On the plus side, it really does only take under a week (a horrid week) to clear the stuff from most of your body - after that, it is all psychological. Perhaps you could explain to your wife that you need a month without disputes to get clear of the cigarettes (the period is notoriously touchy and people start fights in order to have an excuse to go for a smoke) and then, when that is done, maybe to refocus.

After that, perhaps the attitude to alcohol needs to be looked at?

By the time you've done that lot, it will be getting near to Christmas and you will be feeling a lot more in control and ready to talk about the situation between yourwife and yourself.

[Springheeled Jack]

This may seem a little extreme mate, but you dont need that. Leave her to make a mug of some other guy.

I was married to a similar woman. she had 3 affairs, and Iforgave her each time. I loved her too.
However it wasnt worth all the hassle. Get rid of her, divorce her. Get rights to see your child.

Go and find a woman that is worth it. I did. I met my 2nd wife on the internet. Weve been married for over ayear. We have our ups and downs but we work through them.

Go and find a woman that will treat you better. :)

Spring Heeled Jack

[smackie9]

You have pubs that have playgrounds?

[jwoodpile]

Well, food for thought everywhere I turn. Yes Smackie, we have pubs with playgrounds in Suffolk UK. This is a saga that is going to run and run it seems. Divorce is not what I want, and I don't think it's what she wants deep down...

[jwoodpile]

As regards zyban, I tried that about 4 yrs ago. It made me drive like an old lady (20 in a40 zone) and go all wobbly on ladders which wasn't helpful for me at the time. I did 2 months on willpower and 4 on patches. I am going to do forever on hypno and love for my little one. I HOPE/PROMISE to myself. She isn't coming back it seems, at least not for the forseeable future and the best friend thing won't work either.
Short of begging, the only thing I can do is be gracious but firm, and not get taken for an emotional rollercoaster ride...

[gymbunny]

Way to go, Jwoodpile.

My stepfather had a hard time giving up and had to try several things, but it did work. Part of the physiology is that your body is convinced it will always feel like this but look around at the evidence. Plenty of people do feel rotten for a while and may keep wanting the stuff for months, but eventually this does change.

I took a quick, unrepresentative poll down the gym of those people who have had to fight this battle and the results for how long it takes to feel better ranged from three months to, at worst, two years - but even they said that the feelings did ebb away at around the eighteen-month mark. They also said that steambaths, swimming, showers, or jaccuzi baths (if you can get them) help because they are 'non-smoking' activities and it speeds up detox.

You write like you are getting a real grip on this situation. Keep going.

[jwoodpile]

Do I know you? Your nickname is strangely and awfully familiar to me...