What a mess

[Scotslad who couldn't get logged on]

I am dire need for someone to talk to.

I am 36 and my wife is 31. We have been married for 8 years and we have been together for 15 years.
We have 2 children, 6 and 3. We have had a very good marriage until the last year when the marriage has very suddenly turned sour.

We were always able to discuss any problems and usually resolved everything quickly and with the minimum of fuss. We shared all family commitments, chores and responsibilities. We did lots of things together but also had our nights apart. Life was almost as perfect as it could be, perhaps the only thing that we didn’t agree on was our sex life. I am a very much more sexual person than my wife, however, I would have said that we had managed to compromise there too.

Last November my wife’s mother died, which devastated my wife. Not long after that a fairly young neighbour died which came as a great shock to us all. It was at this point that things really started to fall apart.

My wife decided that she wanted to live life to the full. She started to go out more often with her friends for what she refers to as “girly fun”. She did all the things that she couldn’t do when her mother was here, a tatoo, pierced her belly button. Around this time she also bought a new mobile phone that she could text with and she got her teeth whitened. She was looking a million dollars.

I probably could have coped with this however my wife stopped wanting to do anything much with me. She always seemed to be texting on her phone. If I came upon her or looked towardsher, the phone would get snatched shut or would get hidden under whatever was at hand. She always seemed to be more happy when she was going out. Everything to me pointed to an affair. I started listening in to phone conversations, checking her mail, things I never thought I would have done.

This made me feel so paranoid. She made a whole lot of new friends, none of who I got to meet or know. It would appear from what she has said is that all these girls are single. I tried to talk to her but she would always just say she was just having “girly fun” and she didn’t want me hassling her. I tried to tell her how abandoned I felt. I asked if I could be included in some of this fun she was having occasionally. The communication lines seemed to disappear, she did not want to talk. I grew angrier and angrier about the way things had turned. Deep down I believe she is having innocent fun and she is telling the truth but it hurts so much I always end up thinking the worst.

I started to be more and more paranoid and irrational. I have threatened suicide something I would never do, but in the heat of the moment I have said many things as cry for her help. The arguments grew. I shouted more and more, and became aggressive in a vain attempt at what I thought was forcing her to listen. I never hit her but I did grab her arms leaving marks on several occasions. I feel so ashamed that I have done this. I ended up on antidepressants but gave these up after a couple of weeks because I felt I had got my head in to check.

The more I tried to force us back together the further she said I was pushing her away. Unfortunately I have not been able to back off, I always feel I should be fighting for our marriage.

Things came to a head recently. I was going away for a week and she went abroad with the kids. To cut a long story short I thought I had found out she was having an affair. I confronted her at 5 in the morning when she arrived home. She again had a reasonable excuse for what had happened. This seems to have been the last straw for her.

She has now told me that at the moment she wants to split to be independent and live her own life without my hassle and without the fear of having to justify everything to me or the fear of what I am going to do next. She just keeps calling me a freak or a lunatic. I am totally devastated.

She has told me she loves me but is not in love with me, she does not fancy me or lust after me. Apparently everything in the last 3 months has been forced so she could have an easy time. She has costed out that she can afford a place on her own and that if we are amicable we can share the kids.

I tried to persuade her to try again for 3 months where she includes me in some of her life but still has her separate life and I stop asking and quizzing whats going on. I think I can handle that as long as we are at least doing stuff together. I honestly think with a little work on both sides we can sort this. With time she would fall back in love and the lust may come back too. She still has not decided exactly what she wants but does say at the moment she wants seperation. She tells me she has changed and it is not a guy thing.

I voluntarily agreed to go to my mums house once the kids are in bed to try to give her this space but we had agreed we would be there at the weekend. She now will not even let me sleep in the same bed so she goes to her dads. We have talked and to put off the inevitable I have suggested I move out to my mums for 3 months to let her try to sort out the bad feelings she says she has for me. I am willing to do this because she has said there is a small chance we could to stay together. She has said she will go to marriage counselling, however deep down I do not feel any hope.

Sometimes I think I should just walk away but I still love her so much and I don’t want my kids to get hurt. Everything I do seems to make things worse but if I don’t do anything I feel all is lost anyway!!!

I can’t believe that we have ended up in such a state, I always thought we were better than that. It all hurts so much. I feel so down and end up crying all the time. I can’t sleep properly and my mind is obsessed with thinking about everything.

Why has this gone so bad so quickly? What should I be doing? Is this fixable? Am I lying to myself thinking that she may change?

So confused. Help!!

[Jacks]

Hi,

sorry to hear you have to go threw this, it is horrible and there are so many questions to be asked! Why, what did I do wrong and I thought were made for each other! My husband left me and 3 boys about 9 weeks ago, he told me one day that he doesn't love me anymore, we have been together for 22 years and I thought we would be together for ever! Yes we did get stuck in a rut, but then when you have children (especially teenagers) it is hard work and we did not make enough time for each other! It all really started when my H's dad found out he had angina, he had to have 5 bypasses and I think it frightend my H. He is 40 next and I think he started panicing that he needs to go out and enjoy his life more, he told me one day that his direction in life has changed! ? We tried for 3 months to work things out, but things started to change, his mobile phone bill went from low to high, he always hid it, made sure that I couldn't read any messages or anything else! Then every weekend he started going out in the mornings to go for long walks, I did get suspicies about it and started asking questions, he told me that I was silly and that there wasn't anyone else! I can understand how you feel, as it is so difficult not to think the worthed! He mum said that it would be best for us to have a break and for H to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks! I said that I don't want him to as I don't think he will come back! Well he said he was going, he had the friday and monday off and said that he would be going on the monday, it was his birthday on the friday, so we went out, on the saturday morning, I told him that I want to speak to the boys and that I want him to go that morning, as I didn't want to spent the weekend together knowing that he was going! He got angry and things weren't very nice, but he went. After the 2 weeks he told me and the boys that he wasn't going to come back at all anymore, that was 2 months ago! We still see each other and spent some time with each other, like at footy with the youngest! I do want to work on our marridge and don't want to loose him alltogether, but as more I push him and ask questions as further I push him away! It is very difficult, but you will have to give her space and try to get on with your life. I have learned to take one day at a time and it is getting easier as I am getting stronger! There are a lot of people on this side, you are not alone, believe me! I cried for days and I never thought that I could hurt so much, but to get someone back, you have to let them go and do what they need to do! I think my H is going threw a midlife crises, why not read up on this, it can really help to understand, maybe this is what she is doing!

I hope you can work things out!

Jacks
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[Scotslad who couldn't get logged on]

Thanks for that, I am so sorry that life is not working out for you either just now.

I find it doubly hard because I asked my wife if she wanted me to leave just before we both went away. She said that was not what she really wanted. I thought that things were on the up, but my suspisions about her holiday appear to have bown that. Now she just wants to go.

Its so hard to just leave everything that you love, cherish and believe in when you feel that even though she won't admit it there is still something there.

Scotslad

[Jacks]

Hi,

unfortunately they don't really think about anything else apart from themselfs!I don't think they mean to, but that is all they concentrate on at the moment! I wish I had answers why this is happening, but I have asked my H and he can't really give me an answer, apart from his wants something different out of life! I believe that one day, they will wake up and realise what they have lost or are loosing, hopefully it isn't too late, but then again life is too short and we have to get on with it! My mum left us when I was 6 and my dad has been on his own for over 32 years now and he keeps telling me not to make the same mistake, as he couldn't let go of my mum, he was scared to fall in love again and get hurt again! At the moment I feel that I will never find anyone else, as I was only 16 when I met my H and all my adult life I have been with him and we had so much together, to just walk away from that is something I can't understand! A year ago, on of my work collegues asked me how to make a relationship last for so long as we have been together for 22 years, I told her it was love, friendship and a lot of hard work, but that it was all worth it! So it hit me very hard, when he told me that he stopped loving me and so on!

Try not to argue with her, it isn't worth it, it will only upset you and her is well. I learned the hard way and still learning now! Just try to be nice, happy and don't make her feel as if you are suffocating her, I know it is hard because we all want answers, but just try and see what happens, then go and find somewhere on your own and scream, kick anything and just let go of all your hurt! I told him that I don't want to live anymore without him and things like that, he just looked at me, but didn't say anything !

Keep writing and try reading some of the threads on here, when I first started on this forum, a lot of people gave me the same advice. You can learn from others and I found it has helped, especially because people hear do understand more then your best friend.

Take care and keep your chin up, I didn't think that the pain could ever get easier, but it does, it won't go away, but you find strenghts to deal with it better!

Jacks
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[Scotty]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. You are doing right in coming to a place like this where others have similar experiences and can share thoughts and advice.
I don't claim to know what will work to resolve your situation (and mine), but I know one thing that will be of no help at all and that is that which seems to come naturally to us all, namely pleading, begging, desperate persuasion etc etc.
Like you, when my wife left me nine weeks ago after 22 years of marriage, I just had to fight for my marriage but I started by doing that which does not work. You have already discovered that it only suceeds in pushing them further away.
I wrote, sent text messages and tried to call my wife but it only made her angry and bitter towards me in a way that I have never seen before. As hard as it is I know that I have to back off and give her the space she wants right now. This is so hard to put into practice, especially when I know that she is spending nights with her lover. I am in torments with these thoughts, but I know that nothing I can say will make her change her mind. She has to come to the realisation herself that what she is doing is wrong and that this man who she says she loves is "bad news" (He has just been released from prison after serving a long sentence for manslaughter).
I love my wife deeply and long for reconciliation. Our three boys (she left them with me) are heartbroken and confused by what their mum is doing. She is a Christian and this is so out of character and totally opposite to the way that we have lived and all that we have believed in most of our lives. I believe that she is definitely in a "mid-life crisis" and am hoping and praying that soon she will come to her senses and begin to think clearly again. At the moment all she can think of is the new man in her life. She makes very little contact with our children and this is so difficult to understand from someone who was previously totally devoted to them.

One thing that I do know that has helped me cope in this situation is my faith in the God with whom nothing is impossible. God can and does heal our hurting hearts and give us strength to live each day. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[gymbunny]

Dear Scotslad

I go to a gym and it seems to me that up to one in ten women do indeed have a mid-life crisis - tatoos and belly-button piercing seem to be the commonest manifestations. They are forever waltzing about with bits of sticking plaster all over their bellies.

Unfortunately, of these a small proportion seem to get it in to their heads that their whole life has been circumscribed by parents, children and partners and they never seem able to face up to the fact that they made these decisions as responsible adults.

(We might feel differently if, say, a fourteen-year old had a baby and managed to stay with the father for ten years. We might feel that twenty-four year old had not made a decision as a culpable adult.)

If your wife is 'doing things she couldn't do when her mother was alive' I wonder why she couldn't do things before? (Pardon me, I can't help being curious).

Do any of them recover from this period? Well, yes, but there are no hard and fast rules. It can take about two years though, and the end is signalled when they become frantic about laser correction for the tatoos they now heartily regret. They stop wearing the piercings and the holes in their tummies, and indeed their hearts, do heal up.

In the ones I have seen, if a thoroughly unsuitable boyfriend turns up (such as Scotty is enduring) that is paradoxically a better thing. After a disastrous affair which does not deserve the name of love, about which they complain bitterly, their friends become less sympathetic. The boyfriend is quite likely to leg it - they usually have short atttention spans and once they work out that they have not snagged a rich divorcee they move on to someone else.

I'm sorry to sound flippant, and I am acutely aware that when children are involved none of this is remotely funny.

It is just that in the very female enviroment of the day-time gym you do hear some rum things. For example, L complaining that her boyfriend was not 'ready to commit' and then finding out that nothing could be further from his mind as he happened to be a gay man with a perfectly happy relatiooship of his own, thank you very much. In fact, his boyfriend was becoming annoyed at this tatooed woman who kept turning up to complain about her H.

Do some women delude themselves that they can be 21 again, that everything is someone else's fault and do some of those wake up as if from a terrible binge drinking sesssion? Well, I have seen it go both ways, but it does happen that if you can avoid giving the partner any excuse to step up the hostilities it may be possible to ride these things out.

Actually, praying and the support of prayer groups does help. I've been enormously comforted by their profound faith. They are so ordinary and yet so extraordinary - and just so 'no strings'. They don't demand reciprocal faith, they don't ask for money, they don't even ask you to be there, although you can go if you want. They just hold you before God in their prayers. They just do.

[Scotslad who couldn't get logged on]

In many ways I think it would have been easier to deal with if she was having an affair. I would have something that explains her behaviour!! I now see exactly what Scotty is saying in that the more I have tried to fix and talk the further it has pushed us apart.

My mum has become involved and has been wonderful. She has managed to stay totally impartial and has been a big help to both of us. My own mum has said that, even though I may have been the injured party to start with I have probably caused my wife to turn her back because of my need to always be discussing and fixing our relationship, the snooping the checking, shouting, screaming etc. She genuinely believes that my wife is scared of what I am going to do next. Not in some nasty physical sense but more on a mental level.

To reply to gymbunny the tatoo and piercing thing is something she has always wanted to do. We both had always said we wanted tatoos. I also got a tatoo done at the same time as my wife. I think mine is totally the coolest thing I have ever done!!

She did live to please her mother and I don't in any way think badly of that. Although she may on some level be out trying to be a 21 year old she never comes in drunk, she dotes on the kids and as I have said there is no other guy. It is just me that seems to be her problem!!

On a more positive note we managed to nearly have an adult conversation with my mother as a referee. We have put together a framework plan to try to give us time and space and for us both to go and calm down with a view to fixing our problems with each other. Hopefully if in this 3 month seperation period I can prove that I can leave her alone and she can sort herself out, then she has said we will get back together again to start fixing our relationship properly. This is very much more positive than last week. This is probably the first time my wife has opened up enough to be able to try suggesting ideas to sort our mess. There is no guarantee of success but it feels like the first time my wife has made any effort to try to fix anything. Which is all I have ever wanted!! I now feel I can see hope and the need to discuss and pry is fading already.

I am not in any way going to delude myself that things are fixed but I really feel that this small first step is important. Time will tell.

[Scotslad who couldn't get logged on]

Just an update to my situation.

Things have gone totally pear shaped.

I moved out to my mums and went on holiday to Seattle for 3 weeks to give us all the time and space we required. When I came back from holiday she had decided it was now a full seperation, she had been to her lawyer and was looking for a house/mortgage.

I was totally devastated and felt so betrayed.

That was now several weeks ago. Since then we have managed to get on for the sake of the kids. We have agreed to split everything up the middle, our assets and our children. We both wanted the house, however I asked to keep the house so that I felt I had taken something other than the kids from our relationship. Since then I have been budgeting, remortgaging etc.

We are now getting on reasonably as friends but the whole situation hurts so much.

Every day I get a little stronger. The only thing that really gets me now is why my 6 year daughter gets upset. I cannot handle that at all. Although I know I have to stay strong for the kids sake it is just too much emotion to handle.

Scotslad