KatynMax
24th August 2004, 12:59 PM
I made a post yesterday of how I felt at the time. In re-reading it I find there is so much more to the story to the fairness of both of us. My post was entitled "Its been nearly a year" It is indeed how I felt/do feel however I guess in order to be fair and get a really fair response I guess I need to add that when we met, funny enough my husband was the first person I have ever been able to open up to and say how I really feel and tell my past to. I must say he went in with open eyes but it didn't necessarily make it any easier for him. When we met I had been recently brutally and horribly raped. I was a long haul truck driver at the time and everyone tried to encourage me to quit as I wasnt "a typical truck driver" I guess what they were trying to tell me is I wasn't "rough enough" I have long hair and I'm very big on personal hygiene,I like girlie things etc. But I loved the job for the travel. It was brilliant I have been everywhere in the states and done most of the things I have ever dreamed of doing. Well one night....mind this isn't the first time it happened, it is just the most horrible time. Again....one night while I was sleeping 3 men broke into my truck and took turns beating, raping, and cutting me. I ended up over 200 stitches and some broke bones. I met my husband the day after. We talked on the phone and he was very supportive even though he wasn't quite sure what to say....it was just nice that someone was there. As time progressed since he took that well.....I proceeded to tell him about the sexual abuse I was subject to in my childhood as well as my other rapes. I opened my heart and shared it all. I lost a couple babies that I told him about and how I lost my first husband and my children to a drunk driver at Christmas time a few years back. He knew nearly every horrible thing that ever happened in my life. Unfortunately when I moved here it triggered alot of feelings of hopelessness and made me feel like the little girl being abused by her father again and he sat thru quite a while of not being able to touch me or be close to me. Major moves really do take it out of you. :( Anyway we went the 1st year and a half of our marriage with out having sex...sure we played a bit but never any real quality intimate time together. It seemed my husband didn't have the patience to deal with me and my issues. In honesty he made me feel like some misfit that was missing out on something that "everyone else" had......Sadly I haven't had "everyone else's" lives and I can't just jump in bed and forget all that has happened. I did however try very hard to make sure he knew it was him....it was the memories. I realize it must be hard still for him. As well since I went thru the immigration process I was not able to work for nearly 1.5 years and I ended up spending all my time cleaning up after his mother and trying to make our house livable....thats another story in and of itself. I felt like Cinderella. I felt like I didn't deserve his love because I couldn't perform for him sexually and that seemed to be what he really needed. So I went to counselling and I joined a group of other woman who had been abused as children and I began to feel lots better and I tried to make a go of it with him......sadly by then it seems he had given up on me....and he still hasn't changed. In honesty I could live the rest of my life without sex....however I realize it is part of a marriage...but I shouldn't have to feel like I am being raped by my own husband just to keep him happy. With a little time and patience I'm sure I could get better. But the longer it goes the more I feel like I dont deserve love and I am unworthy. I realize also that it had to be hard to go to work everyday while I didn't have to because I couldn't. But at the end of the day it wasn't my choice it was immigration. By the time I could finally go to work I couldn't actually bring myself to leave the house to go to an interview. I felt so aweful about myself I would get to the front door and puke. I couldn't go out. He made me feel aweful for not working a real job....he made me feel as though I didn't do anything even though I spent day in day out cleaning a house and decorating a house that he and his family had made a mess in for the prior 8 years. So I wasn't even good enough at that. When we split for the while after I found out....I firmly believe it was the best thing for me.....at least now....it made me leave....it made me stand on my own two feet. Mind I did come here with money and paid my own way even when I wasn't working. So its not like I was kicking back and living off of him and doing nothing. Anyway, I now have a job....but it seems I still have to be the one to clean...I have to beg and cry before I get help.......Since my original post he and I have sat down and talked and discussed an aweful lot. I read him my post and I read him some of the responses. I let him know that I was really really ready to give up this time and walk away with out looking back and he is sitting down and talking and taking it pretty well. Mind it has only been one day...but he is being very apologetic and loving......time will tell. I just wanted to be fair and tell the whole story....as I didn't make his life easy with all my baggage either......Thanks all of you for your support and for listening. I truly appreciate it!!