it hurts and hurts!!!

[neeil]

Well As I said before I had a freindship with a girl and kept it a total secret from my wife.She found out and I lost my freind plus my wife now suspects me like hell.
These days I am away from home for 3 weeks on official work I tried to wriggle out of it given the delicate situation at home but could not.FRom my wife's face I could make out that she was having doubts as to what I would be doing there.I feel so hurt and depressed and I have no one to talk to.Infact I have cut myself from everyone as my wife called up all my freinds to find out about the extent of my freindship with that freind of mine.
I did wrong but now I am trying to get things back to normal but I am not getting anywhere. I have not been able win my wife's confidence and now I am losing patience too.As a result I have become entirely quiet and non communicative.I tried to talk to my wife but every time we end up arguing or she blaming me or she stops talking to me.
It is sheer hell and I feel had I been open about my freindship I would have had my freind and also my wife's love.What to do??? The atmosphere at home is stifling and I feel guilty like mad.My kids are also suffering.
Please help me!!!!!!!

[Kate]

Dear Neeil,

Your original posting was only a few weeks ago and yet you seem to be getting impatient with progress. You admit that you have done wrong and yet I’m not sure you have faced up fully to what you have done and how it is for your wife. Forgive me if I am wrong in saying that.

I know you are feeling in pain and miserable but the trust in your relationship has been broken and will take time, patience and effort on your part to restore it.

There seems little doubt from what you have written that you got emotionally involved with this friend and while that may not have been a physical affair you were being more open with your friend than with your wife. She may well have experienced your revelation as “my friend understands me better and I prefer to share my intimate feelings and thoughts with her rather than you.” That can be as terrible a blow as physical infidelity. Can you imagine how hurt she must be feeling?

It’s going to take time for her to learn to trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) you again. Have you asked yourself and her what would help that process along. Are you willing to do what it takes. Have you had a look in our Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section to try to understand what your wife is going through.

I believe that arranged marriages can be as special and as close as those based on the Hollywood romance way of looking at things. Good marriages are based on commitment, understanding, friendship, complete honesty, respect, trust, shared lives and much more. These things are not so much about meeting the right person as being the right person and the way we live out our lives.

Is it really going to help withdrawing from all your friends? Do you think you have lost face with them? Do you fear how they will treat you. Part of facing up to the consequences of what you have done in getting emotionally involved with a woman outside your marriage is to face your friends and not run away from them. Although it will be painful, it will also help too. The danger of withdrawing is that you descend into self pity and lose perspective on what has happened here.

If you have really faced up to what you have done and accept your fault then forgive yourself, ask your wife to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/forgive/) you and get on with the job of showing her that she and your children are now your first priority. You can come through this, there is hope and a light beyond this present tunnel of misery.


Kate

[neeil]

Thanx Kate
I can understand what you are saying but How do I move on with no help with my wife.I don't know if I should be saying this but I am totally shattered with the loss of that friendship.I thought I could get over it with help from friends but with situation being so bad at home there is little hope for that. Moreover most the friends are common friends with that girl and they have a gr8 opinion of her—for which I do not blame them for she is gr8.They feel it is my mistake to have taken the friendship otherwise. I did try talking to one or two of them and they feel (rightly so) that I was telling too many lies and indulging in too many manipulations with my wife and my friend. At that time I felt if I am honest about my feelings I will lose my friend which I did eventually precisely for being dishonest.
She was so good to me and I did not value her I feel awful now.
My biggest problem I think is that I am still mad about her.I don’t check e mails anymore as she does not write all my accounts have lapsed. I don’t go to wing of office where she worked. I want no friends except her.And she has moved on. My friends tell me she only feels sorry for me and hopes my marriage gets OK again.
Now what should I do.My wife has made clear that she is tolerating me coz she does not want kids to suffer.And I just want her to be normal with me.
She wants we should to another city(my job is transferable ) but my career prospects will really suffer if I did so.
In office I am plagued by memories of my friend at home I am a criminal-------even if a wrong number comes I am questioned like mad. My self esteem is zero these days.
What should I do

[Kate]

Dear Neeil,

I thought I had given you quite a few ideas in my last posting, but the main response to what you have just written is to stop being so self referenced and stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept this is going to take time. Is your self esteem really zero or is your pride suffering? Does your self esteem consist of having women around you who approve of you and make you feel special?

I really don't hear anything in what you say which shows much concern for your wife. You seem to think she ought to put things right for you. Why not try and understand what it's like for her. Until you let go on the fantasy that this other girl is wonderful and should be in your life, I can't see how you can move on. There can be life without her, but you've got to make up your mind to let go and move on. However infatuated you are with her, it's still possible to accept it was a mistake to get involved with her and get on and make your marriage work.

What it comes down to is you making the decision - no-one else but you can make it.

Kate

[neeil]

THanx once again Kate

I think you are right that I should let go of her. I want to but am unable to do so. I think I have never mentioned it but since I was hiding that freindship so thoroughly once an SMS by her was delivered late to me ---it was very normal a SMS joke clean one -- my wife read it and said who sent it and I lied.I think my wife understod and called up her no.My frnd did not know there was a problem so she told my wife that she is a freind and sent the joke.However I panicked that my wife will see my true feelings for her and started telling my wife that this girl is after me ,I don't know why she calls etc,I am telling her to get lost and so on.While the truth is that I wanted to be freinds with her and used to call her and tried hard to join her circle.My wife called her up again and said when my husband wants you to keep off why don't you?? THe freind of mine was livid she blasted me and ended it there and then. I can't get over the fact that she thot of me as a real creep.Infact she asked me to delete all her emails to me mostly festival cards etc. saying that she can't trust a guy like that and later you might tell lies about them.I promised her that I wud so but did not delete.Thereafter I lied to her that I have deleted.But she complained to the office server manager who told her they were not deleted and consequently my mail box was cleaned by office.She just said one sentence to me"Neeil I am sorry I took so long to see your true colors ,you have converted a nice freindship into a dirty little secret may God give you peace of mind" and that was it. Kate I can't get over this I am not a creep and I am not characterless I never wanted to fall for her I only wanted her freindship but it just happened.I tried very hard to keep it freindship from my side ,infact I denied any other feeling for a long time but it happened.And it was totally one sided I know but now it hurts to know she thinks I am a liar. Infact it hurts even more to know that she really does not remember me too well.If ever in common circles I am mentioned either she does not recall or she says yeah he was quite a pathetic guy hope he grows up for his own sake.
I know I have a responsibility towards my family and wife but I can't control my feelings.For some days I can control and feel OK my wife is my life now but then again some argument happens and I start thinking of my freind.Sometimes I think her absence is making me think more about her. I messed up everything I feel so horrible now.I try to focus on my work even that is suffering. I only wish to be forgiven by both ladies now.
I think I need counselling I am totally depressed.And In this strange city I miss my past too much.I wish remained as they were!!!

[neel's wife]

I was just visiting this forum and I was surprised to see neel's postings.Infact I am glad I saw them.He is carrying on with his lies.Well I am with him as I have no option.More than the so called freindship I am hurt by his lies and systematic manner in which he decieved me like deleting her number from mobile,calling me 2 minutes before calling her so that I don't disturb,declaring undying love to me before going to meet her so that I don't suspect,going out of his way to ensure he only calls me and I don't call his office,being nice to me by saying you must be tired let me go get groceries only to call her and so on. And he would have kept it hidden all our lives if I had not chanced upon the ph bills. How should I beleive it is over??? How do I know he is not lying now?? If one can be so deceptive with one's spouse can that person be trusted ever again?? He is telling me that I should start behaving normal with him is it that easy??? You know Kate I was somehow getting this feeling of losing him for sometime but dismissed it thinking it is because of his long office hours.And the worst thing is that this freindship started when I was away at my mom's place delivering our second child.He was not even there when the child was born.And how do I beleive that just because I caught him his claims of it being already over(the freindship) are true?? It has been four months since I discovered and from what I have been able to understand Neel is only worried about his loss of image in family and freinds he does want to solve the basic problem.He only wants us to pretend everything is normal so that others don't think otherwise. And I am not willing to do that,he refuses to speak of that episode and answer me on my doubts he just says let us let it remain closed Very convienient!!! Deep down I feel he is only sorry about getting caught and nothing else.He is away now and frankly I don't think he will behave and I no longer care either.You know when I asked why he hid it he put the blame on me saying that he felt I would misunderstand.I have been thouroughly humiliated by my husband and I can't trust him anymore.I can never come to terms with the fact that how my husband could behave so normally with me with such a huge secret inside him. Well at least after reading this I know he is still mad about her just as I suspected, his whole face changes at the mention of her name ,his hands shake literally!!
Well I honestly wish I had an option.Am I wrong in wishing that Kate??
Denny

[Kate]

Dear Denny,

It must have been a shock to come on the forums and find your husband's posts - quite odd in fact.

There's nothing wrong with wishing you could escape from a painful situation, but escape doesn't necessarily bring healing. There would be no resolution to what has happened.

Is there anyone in the family or local community that you could both go and talk to. I realise that Neel (or is it Neeil) is struggling with others knowing about this, but someone discreet might be able to help you talk through what has happened and help you to understand each others view point. There are also lots of relationship courses that you can take to strengthen your marriage and help you to work through this too. Why not have a look here (http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory.html).

Kate
:)

[Neel's wife]

Hi Kate

I was just waiting for your reply.Beleive me I have tried everything. I have suggested going to a counsellor, I have suggested talking to freinds infact I talked to that girl also and asked if she would help by making clear that she was not really interested in my husband. She was very positive and said whatever you ask of me I'll do,she even said if your counsellor tells me to say certain things I will say.(this is despite all our rude words that were earlier hurled at her by us)She said I am sorry I only thought of him as a freind and I only want the best for him. She even said you paint a black picture of me if it helps your marriage.Infact I quite liked her and from whatever I have enquired of her everyone praises her a lot as a freind. But my problem is that my husband lied to me unneccessarily I mean what was the need and I feel once that sacred vow of honesty is broken one can never be sure.
I feel I deserve better than this

Denny

[Kate]

Dear Denny,

It is possible to learn to trust again, but it takes time, forgiveness, willingness on both sides, some agreed goals and boundaries and a lot of commitment. I don't know what the key will be in your case. Perhaps your husband needs time to come to terms with what has happened.

You mention counselling. Well he has said here that he is willing to try it, so you could challenge him to do that or try one of the courses that I have mentioned. A useful piece of advice that I once heard by a relationship counsellor was that couples need to begin to comfort each other before true healing can begin. By that he meant, they have to begin to reach out to each other.

Your husband may need some tenderness or warmth from you. I am not suggesting ignoring what has happened, but taking a step towards each other. You may not feel like doing this, but love involves us in decisions sometimes when our feelings are not positive ones. When we know that we are really accepted and loved despite our mistakes, it is often easier to find the courage to be honest and take responsibility for our mistakes, whereas if we feel lonely and isolated our strongest desire is to defend ourselves even when we know in our heart of hearts we are in the wrong.

Kate

[Neel's wife]

Hi Kate

I think I need to make up my mind regarding what I need to do. I am not very sure I love him anymore. I think feelings between us were not all that strong any way. Infact I think he could lie in this fashion and get attached only because our basic relationship was not very full of emotions. To be honest we hardly talked and it had nothing to do with diffrences just that we never found it easy to talk to each other.It seems with her he really could talk and share ( calls as long as 1 hour). Despite giving another chance to marriage we still can't communicate so may be we should think seriously about it. Right now I have accepted a job in a school.
I certainly don't want to stick for the sake of sticking. As you said love can do lots but first you have to be sure that you love.Infact good it happened for till now I never gave a thought to what I really felt for my husband.It was more like I got married without knowing him then had kids ,never got the time to think of us as two people.I was always a wife,daughter-in-law,mother and that's it.

Now I feel I need more and maybe we are not meant for each other.I am only 30 years old ,why should I live a compromise for the rest of my life.

Denny

[Kate]

Dear Denny

You say you didn't know your husband when you married but then many people who fall in love and marry don't really know each other. They think they do and then when they take off their rose-coloured glasses and find out what the other is like every day, there are some surprises.

I think those who are used to romance initiated marriages find it hard to understand how arranged marriages can work and perhaps those in arranged marriages think it must be wonderful to have chosen each other. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I think some of us would have benefited from older wiser folk having a hand in choosing our marriage partners actually.

Something that comes over from what you have written is a bit of confusion around the word love. I think of love as an action word more than a feeling word. Having teenage children and remembering them as toddlers, I know that love goes beyond the way one is feeling. Love is a choice to put the other person first, to accept the others complete personality including their faults, to be open and honest, trustworthy, respectful, caring, a friend and companion, so much. It's not just about attraction and emotional "chemistry" between two people. This means that we can choose to love someone, like the friend we have who borrows money off us and can never afford to pay it back and the alcoholic friend who I used to visit even though his home was filthy and stank of smoke. There was nothing in it for me and at times they were a pain in the backside, but I had made a commitment of friendship to them. I often used to feel irritated, angry, hurt, frustrated and taken for granted. It wasn't easy. When one of them died I grieved for them just the same and missed them. The love was there, but the feelings weren't always comfortable ones.

Now I don't want to draw too close parallels from those examples to your marriage but I hope those examples illustrate how real love is something we choose to do and involves actions and that the attachment and affection come from the attitudes and behaviours we adopt.

Right now I suspect your husband needs to know that you love and respect him. He’s made a bit of a fool of himself perhaps and definitely hurt you, so the question is are you willing to choose to love him even when he doesn’t deserve it? What would you want him to do if you were the one who had been acting the way he has? Perhaps you are the only person who will choose to love him at this point in his life. Imagine what that could mean to him and the possibilities for you two to grow closer and support each other.

Kate

[Neel's wife]

Hi Kate,

I was just sorting this out over the weekend and mercifully my mind is made.Rather than living everyday in tears and doubt I have decided to start afresh. I agree when you say love means commitment,honesty,understanding so on and so forth but I just feel it should be from both sides.Moreover one has to accept the fact that some people are not meant for each other.

I am glad you asked me what I would wish if the case was reverse with me being where my Husband is? Well I have often thought about it and feel that either I would not do something which could hurt my family and if I felt I was not wrong in doing it I would not hide it and certainly not deceive my husband systematically. And if I did I would be too ashamed even to ask for him "just get normal".

I feel what no one is understanding is the fact that he is still not willing to work on the relationship but only wants a facade. I need my peace of mind.

So thanx for everything
Denny