He hates my son- and shows it

[Rendal]

Hi,
I posted some time ago on marriage help about this but got no response, tell me anything even if you think it will hurt me.
I have been married 7years, living with my husband 10 years. His 2 kids 1 of each lived with mum and my 2 boys lived with thier dad.
3 years ago his ex moved away and his son then 16 didn't want to go, so he moved in with us, I had no problem with that and made a big effort to make him feel at home, all was well. He is now in the army but home most weekends.
Last november my eldest son (then 17 now 18) fell out with his dads new girlfriend and asked if he could stay here with us, we have a big house so space isn't an issue. Of course that was no problem to me.
Hubby did seem a little off about it but I thought nothing much of it. How wrong was I, all hell broke loose and is still going on.
The first 3 days he was here Hubby yelled at him to find somewhere else to live, in a foul and abusive manner. His son was in Cyprus and due home that week and he put a banner up saying welcome home, while doing this my son came in from work and he said "you c**t when you going to f**k off* (sorry but it's true).
This sort of thing went on and on, if I tried to talk he yelled at me too that he was useless and he couldn't stand the sight of him, no reason to give he said he didn't know why. My son never answered back, just kept his head down and kept out of the way because he knew how hurt I was.
On new years eve Hubby said he would have to leave me untill my son had left, and like a fool I begged him to stay, he did because he said I had chosen him first. Earlier this year I was so bad I considered suicide, and had a bit of a break down I cryed and choked for 2 days unable to talk and then Hubby asked what was the matter I told him and he said he'd try as he didn't realise how much it was hurting me.
He did try for about a month and although he dosn't scream at my son any more he just dosn't speak at all not even an aknowledgement when they cross paths.
I now feel resentful towards his son (but I don't show it)
Somebody please say something to me, ask anything, PLEASE

Rendal

[RON]

Rendal,
It sounds like you and your husband need to get some outside counseling. I want to say sit down and talk to him and get him to explain how his son is important and yours is worthless. Having said that, after reading your post, I think your husband is a jerk. If you want to keep the marriage together, talk him into going to counseling with you because it's obvious that he has little respect for your feelings. If he refuses then you need to bail out and find happiness elsewhere. I don't know what your financial status is but life is too short to have kids from broken homes go through this kind of thing. Just the way I see it and the best of luck to you. Ron

[Rendal]

Hi Ron

Thanks so much for your reply, I know your right, but I don't know where I'll get the strength from. Maybe I'll go to councilling on my own first.

Rendal

[Babes]

Hi
I don't know it maybe you have thought that it could possibly be jealousy that is making your man treat your son the way he does.
Dunno if this will help, but I kind of went through the same sort of thing with my Step-Dad. He was always being nasty to me and never gave me the time of day, whereas he was sweetness and light with my step-siblings. Everything I did was wrong according to him and he called me nasty names. This went on for years and to escape it I married young ( my Husband offered me an escape route). Anyway I got a call about 2 years ago to tell me that my Step-Dad was dying from Cancer and wanted to see me, it took a while to talk myself into it but I went anyway. He said he wanted to make peace with me and explain his actions before he died. He said that he did really love me but couldn't show it as he was veryjealous of the fact that my real Dad had been Mum's first love and not him. He told me that even though I was a small child I looked so much like my Dad that it was a constant reminder to him that Mum had had a "full" life with another man and he couldn't handle it. My Dad had access to me and I saw him loads, got on great with him and would come home and tell Mum all about it, this gave my Step-Dad insecurities and he felt that I was a link between Mum and Dad and that maybe Mum would see how Dad had changed and would leave to get back with him. I know that maybe this is not your mans reasons but what I would like to draw your attention to is the result of such a " Toxic" person. Think about how your Son is feeling and what this is doing to his mind. I have undergone years of therapy to get my thoughts and feelings back on line after the way I was treated.
If your Son is constantly being told he's not wanted there and his Mum is not sticking up for him then he is going to start feeling that you agree with your man and don't want him there either. Don't let your Son start feeling that he belongs no-where,( not with you or his real Dad) that's how I felt. You at the moment is the only person he has to rely on. I know you don't want to lose your Man or your Son but if it comes to it, Blood is thicker than water and I know as a Mother I could never put anyone before my Son. I'm sorry if any of this offends you but it has brought back a lot of emotions to me that I felt and I know how lost and hurt your Son is feeling at the moment.
I don't know if it would be of help to you but a great book I have found is Toxic Parents (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553814826/ref=pd_sim_b_dp_4/t/026-1821828-5008407) by Dr Susan Forward, maybe this will give both you and your Son an insight into how the way a child is treated affects the rest of his life.

God Bless
Babes x

[Rendal]

Thanks babes,

I am not offened at all, I think your spot on and I'm going to have a talk to hubs tonight wether he likes it or not. I'll let you know how it goes.
I do talk openly to my son about it and I go down to his room for a beer with him quite alot and we talk about girls and stuff, my husband sulks but I don't care, do you think that well be helping my son?

Thanks so much
Rendal

[Babes]

Knowing that he can still be close to his Mum will help your Son a lot. Can you try to explain to your Son why your think your Partner is being the way he is? Hopefully then your Son will feel a bit better knowing that it's not him his Step- Dad has difficulty dealing with but his Jealousy. It is really difficult being a Kid in these circumstances as you feel as though you are ruining things for your Mother, by the behaviour of her Partner, what you need to do is to reassure your Son that he is very important to you and having him in your life is very important to both of you.
Hope things get better for you, my thoughts are with you :-)
Babe x

[jennyj]

I personally dont think the relationship could ever work. You will never be able to talk narurally about your sons success or difficulties openly with your husband and step son like a mother should, they just wont want to know or listen.There will be too much conflict in the house and either way there will always be an arguement waiting to happen. Your hubby sounds like he will always find fault with your son just for the sake of it. You cant have favouritism in a household the environment will be awful for you all. He should like your son and treat him like his own.It isn't fair on you or your son. Do you give your son all your attention? maybe your husband is a little jealous? talk with him like the others say but if you cant get to the true problem he has with your son I just dont think there will be any hope? I know the lads in the household are old enough to leave and get a job/place of their own but it sounds like there will always be that dislike in the background. I'm a step parent I have four step children and three small children of my own and we all share a house! I have had to live in a terrible environment for the past so many years and it never gets better! The thing is....I have the man of my dreams and he vice versa but we kill ourselves to be together as sadly we are both caught up in the middle of a big household fued! (their mother isn't around). Try and sort it out for all your sakes but find out from him what problem he has.

[Rendal]

Hi babe,

My son really does know that he hasn't got a problem because he had been talking to one of our more nosey friends (ex copper) who was trying to fix his relationship with my hubby, presuming that he (my son) was obviouly doing things all wrong because he is a teenager.
He told me that my son had told him he didn't know what he was on about and that it was his step dad who had the problem and he should talk to him instead.
I am very proud of my son for this, but not mentioned that I know.
Why don't these people tell my husband hes an arse, because it's too bloody easy to pick on a young lad, not so keen to face upto a 45 year old macho man.
I have told my dad, who I thought would go balistic, but he was brilliant and says he will do what he can without letting on he knows (he drinks with my hubby), I think this could be the best hope I have.
He's going to say things like "I'm a bit worried about D lately, how does he seem to you". Maybe he'll see.
We'll see
Rendal

[Babes]

Hi
I'm glad your Son has realised that he is not the problem :-) It's typical of a lot of people to automatically assume the Teenager is in the wrong ( I have 2 Teens so I know) When the problem is a 45 year old Kid then things get a bit tougher, not like you can ground them lol. Maybe your Dad having a chat with him will help, then he will realise that people outside of the Family Home have noticed that something is wrong and maybe dolt him into reality a bit. If not then maybe he will bite his lip so as not to cause anymore hassle. The thing I would say to watch out for is maybe your Hubby accusing your Son of trying to stir trouble by running to Grandad. Have you spoken to your Hubby about counselling? maybe a few Family sessions would help? That way if he can air his problems you know exactly what you are dealing with and how to hopefully sort them out. What he has to realise is that your heart, home and life is big enough for both of them and having your Son there is not depriving him of any of your love. You sound like you are fighting a battle, but keep your chin up and face it head on, victory is round the corner and your doing a great job :-)

Babes x

[Rendal]

Hi babe,

I had it out with hubby the other night and it seemed to be a waste of time, he suggests I ignore his son if it makes me feel better, (crazy).
I have an appointment at relate next week, I'm going to give him the option to come along. I don't know if he will or not because he says it's no one elses business. Why is he so set against talking to any one else or forbidding me to (but I do anyway) is it bacause he knows he's wrong?
He did acknowledge my son the day after, but later made two sarcastic comments about having to talk to people he dosn't like.
I'm getting very tied with it all now.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Rendal

[mykids]

Girl let me tell you run get away from your husband.... think how your child feels living life with this man.. I AM TELLIN YOU THIS 20 LONG HARD YEARS.. AND HE STILLS HATES MY SONS, THEY ARE GROWN 28.AND 31 BOTH LIVE IN THAIR OWN PLACE. WORK HE STILLS GET MAD WHEN THEY COME OVER.... HE ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING BAD TO SAY ABOUT THEM ( AFTRE THRY LEAVE ) ANY LITTLE THING .... THE BOY NEVER SAY ON THING BAD ABOUT HIM ....AS THEY KNOW I GET IT WHEN THEY LEAVE.... THEY COME MAYBE TO EAT ON SUN. HELP WITH THE CLEAN UP. HE WILL SAY A FEWS WORLD TO THEM AT THE MOST. THEY ARE GOOD BOYS . RESPECT OUR HOME , ACT GREAT
OR WILL CALL AND SAY HI MOM I WAS IN YOU PART OF TOWN . IS IT OK TO STOP IN TO SEE.
THEY NEVER STAY LONG... AS THE ICE / COLD WELCOME FROM HIM TELLS IT ALL . I NEED TO LEAVE SO AFTER 20 YRS MY BOYS FEEL FREE TO COME SEE ME ... MY DR. HAS TOLD ME MOVE YOUR CO DEPENT. I HAVE A WELL PAYING JOB ( HUSBAND MAKES ME SICK ) HE HAS A SON 23 YRS OLD
AND HE HAS NOT TALKED TO THE BOY IN 5-6 YRS AND HE LIVES 30 MIN AWAY...

LOOK DO WAHT YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR KIDS UP AND NEVER LOOK BACK. SO WHY DID I NOT DO THAT 20 YRS AGO ??? I AM ALMOST 49 YRS OLD . AND KNOW I AM SO UNHAPPY I AM GOING TO
GO ... AND MY BOYS CAN COME OVER TO ME AMYTIME ( WHY DID I LET THEM GROW UP IN A HOME
WHERE THEY WAS NOY WANTED ) I LET IT HAPPEN . DON'T BE A FOOL TRUST ME GO NOW "PLEASE "

[Johnee S]

Rendal,

he has to realize and understand you don't just marry the woman you marry the family too. he has his own kids you accepted them as your own, why can't he? My ex-step mother hated me and abused me for years. It made me strong enough to live with it but it also damaged me in many ways.

Your husband is obviously insecure big time and as such taking it out on your son. Donot resent his son, show him your the better person here and show him you love his son. I don't really know what else to say, counselling may revel the true root of his problem with your son.

A family unit should and must stick together and support and care for each other. Especially where kids are involved. My Wife and I are seperated in mediations, she just finished her session and has not bothered to call. She opened up to me over the weekend and now I'm just sitting in limbo... don't let this continue to build it will create more pain and worsen, he needs help and he needs it fast.

[1aokgal]

This man sounds like a psychopath and it would be a cold day in H... before I would alllow him to talk/act like that to my flesh and blood.

You may think you are secure and only the son being there has triggered this nastiness. I will tell you that is the true person he really is shows over this matter. Let time pass and you will be the one who gets the abuse over other matters.

Get your ducks in a row, Duckie, because you do not want to spend your later years with a foul abusive, selfish jerk who would throw your son out in the street and suggest you could treat his son that way. Get some counselling for yourself. I think you are walking on egg shells not to disturb him. He is already disturbed. The guy is a loser.

Find your independent purse strings and save for an escape fund unless he gets to some heavy counselling sessions. Then I would expect and demand he get down humbly on his knees and ask pardon for the damage he has done to your son, your relationship with your kid and the trust you had in the relationship. You need to get out and not look behind you.

This behavior is the tip of the iceberg and I believe there will be more. He is a mean spirited person. Do not choose to live out your years with a man not worth the dirt under your fingernails. It hurts my heart to think of the sadness your son must feel. Terrible story. I am so sorry to hear this.

[Hopeless]

Hi there. I'm new and have no real experience of this situation, but for your partner to give you an ultimatum likes this reeks of jealousy and self centredness. If he thinks that you would favour him over your son, then this seems very naive too. I hope that your partners's other qualities make it worthwhile trying to give your relationship a go, because it looks as though he is a wrong 'un to me.

[Ageing Grace]

Rendal, I am so sorry to say this but it looks as though your husband has shown his true colours.

The fact that your own son is the target of his abuse makes the issue seem more complicated than it is. I do not think you should subject yourself or your family to emotional entanglement with a person who acts like this. Neither, for that matter, should his own children have to treat this behaviour as acceptable.

I hardly ever say "Leave him." But I'm saying it now :(

Good luck at Relate. My thoughts are with you.
AG