neither here nor there!!!!!!!!!1

[neeil]

I have a massive problem.It is sort of complicated.I had a good freind --a girl. I really enjoyed being freinds with her but then things went sour coz I started feeling more for her and I am married and so is she. It was so unsettling, i was torn and then I started lying to both her and my wife.To my freind I tried extra hard to show I was thinking of her as only freinds and to my wife I tried to show she was the only one.Both of them did not know each other so I managed.I know I behaved odd due to guilt and my freind sensed it.She tried to encourage me to talk it out and sort out.She said it can be dealt with sensibly and a freindship shud be honest enough to talk it out and if need be end freindship in favour of my wife. I did not want to lose her so I assured her that I have sorted out and it was only a temporary infatuation and now I am ok. She took my word for it and things were ok but my feelings for her intensified to the extent that I was consumed by them. Without my saying my freind saw it and cut herself off. But unknown to me my wife had also sensed it all and one day confronted me with my diary where I had written my feelings.I did not know wat to say.I tried to come clean but she did not beleive that there was no affair. Now I am in a place where my wife does not trust me and my freind is not in my life and also feels I was not honest. I really miss her as she was the only one I could really talk to given that I am so reserved.I also know I will never get a freind like her again.Added to this my marriage is in a mess. Living everyday in a home where I am under suspision all the time I feel so bad. I wish I had listened to my freind and worked on my marriage as it always was very average with no communication. My freind always gave me tips on how to increase communication with my wife ,spend more time together etc. In fact she even suggested family interactions which included her husband and my wife to help me be open get rid of the hiding and lying from my wife.I had kept the freindship a total secret from my wife.I feel she was such a genuine freind always caring about me having a better relation in home and office. In the end also she tried to talk sense into me saying thet telling lies in marriage is not done and does not become you so be honest but instead of listening to her I told her some nasty things like she shud mind her own business and she wants my marriage to go bad and telling about my friendship to my wife wud be taking a chance with it etc.After which she completely distanced herself to the extent that now there is no communication. I miss her terribly and when things went bad with my wife I wanted to talk to her I did but she said now it is even more important that we have no contact. Moreover she even said sorry if in any way she was responsible for my plight /sorry state and as she said sorry several times I felt miserable.Here I was so nasty to her and still she was saying sorry without any hassle.I told her not to apologise for my faults but she said it does not matter who says sorry as long as we mean well for each other.I felt my loss even more.I wish she was still my freind. Then I said yes it is closed(the friendship)and it shud remain closed but I wanted her to say that it is OK to communicate sometime, but she did not. And now I am like a walking ghost only memories and nothing else in life. I was so mean to her at times mainly coz it was so frustrating and she was always trying to help me out with everything .How could I lose her ??? How could I not value her when she was in my life??? And now one common freind told me that one day during conversation my name came up and she looked blank for a minute then recalled me I felt so bad!!! She has moved on and I still want her as a freind. And needless to say my marriage is a constant struggle.

Help me my mind is so badly affected with everything.



Neil

[Sleepless in CA]

Neil, How long have you been married? It seems as if you genuinely fell in love with your friend. What made you fall in love with your wife? Can you remember? Do you have children? IF not you need to ask yourself Is this my true love? If its yes then get up, get off the computer and give her some lovin. Were talking about your wife right now. (smile just makin sure were talkin bout the same women) If that doesn't seem right in your heart you need to think about counseling. That damn saying that time heals, is true my friend. You will find that the sky is blue, the grass is green, and a fond memory of a good friend will be just that, a fond memory. On the other hand I'm all for fighting for the love of your life. If you want to do that, you must first be honest with your wife and go through the painful steps of ending your relationship, which even if you both feel is the way to go will be a big undertaking. Been there. All my best neil. Sleepless in CA

[neeil]

Thanx Sleepless in CA
To tell you the details I have been married for 8 years but I was never in luv with my wife.I do care for her and I am attached to her and she is genuinely a nice person but I am not in luv with her.Our marriage is more functional than anything else.We have two kids.To be honest I never had experienced love before this.My marriage was an arranged one and unfortunately did not develop into anything passionate.Perhaps the reason why I could lie to her so easily. This freindship was the best thing that happened to me ever !
To be honest I would have dropped anything and everything to be with my freind if she were willing.But very early in our frindship she told me please let it be freindship only as I have lost many freinds due to other feelings coming in and I don't like it.Moreover she has lots of freinds male and female so she is very normal about it. Her marriage is also a great one -------she married the love of her life!!!!!!! It used to kill me to hear details of him.But I can't help the way I feel. Wrong timing I guess! But it is impossible not to fall in love with her ---- she is great looking, an amazing person,fun to be with ,great career and brains ,full of life ---- just like sunshine!! Has a huge fan club toooo! Honestly first I could not even believe that she was even talking to me!! She does not love me and I know the sensible thing would have been to maintain a normal freindship but now even that is not possible!!!
I wish I had never known what is love!!! Even to this date her very name sends my pulse racing( it has been 6 months since I last talked to her)! I did lot of wrong to her and she left with a bad impression of me!! I can't get over this. No way to apologise either I am so scared of her reax!!
Neil

[Liz]

Neill,
Love isn´t about feelings alone. The love that lasts is based on daily decisions and choices. The feelings aren´t there all the time, but they grow as you put each other first. Don´t look outside your marriage but why not put all you´ve got into your marriage. Have a look at our Health club (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/) for ideas.

Liz

[Been there]

Hi
Neil
your story sounds very familiar as I too had a friend who behaved like you and believe me what I minded the most was the fact that there was deception throughout in the freindship.Anyway what has happened has happened!! Let this be a lesson that dishonesty in any relation kills it. I can understand the stress on your marriage due to this but you are responsible for it. So grow up and face the consequences.

Best Of Luck

[Lid]

Hey Neil,

I can just imagine all the stress you are going through. But I think that you should try to put yourself in your wife's shoes and think for a moment about the whole situation. In other words you need to step out of the box. Take what happened with your friend as an experience and learn from it. What can you change about it so that it doesn't affect you and your wife? Another thing, I think your wife didn't have a say about the fixed marriage, so maybe she wasn't in love with you when she married you (I don't know for sure) , But it would be good to think about how she feels about that and to know if her love for you has begun or if she doesn't love you either.
Take care and please don't hurt other people, just like you would not want to be hurt,

Lid

[susie]

Hi
Neel
Are things better now? have you been able to re build your relationship to some extent??Going through your posts I realised you were not being straightforward in your relationships. Lies destroy everything please take care and wish you the best.